is there a link between having low self esteem / confidence and having shit partners

[willobee]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my past relationships and my current one too which I'm planning on ending and I always end up with horrible partners.

And I think it's because of my issues of low self worth. I think I just "settle" with any man that seems ok but deep down I know they are not. I ignore what on MN you would call red flags. I'm embarrassed that I have let people treat me so badly. People would think I have a great relationship and I know they will be shocked on hearing we've split but to the outside would dp is so so different. I fucking hate it.

I think subconsciously I "aim low" as I know ill never get a decent, loving man.

Does anyone back up my theory of people with esteem / confidence issues have shit partners.

Bump!

We're moving this thread to our Relationships topic and giving it a bump for the OP.

Yes, I think there is

Yes of course there is. If you have high self esteem and boundaries you won't tolerate shit behaviour and bad men because you'll know you deserve better and feel perfectly okay on your own. Have you considered counselling?

I think it can be a viscous circle. Shitty men will try and push boundaries, most women will push back/end it but people with low self confidence/poor boundaries might be more inclined to accept it. Then it is like boiling a frog, as they get worse, they bring the already low self confidence down further, plus you despise yourself for putting up with it. Firm boundaries and self love OP - you don’t need to put up with any man’s shit.

Yes. I believe there is a link.

It’s why abusive individuals behave the way they do within relationships. Over time they seek to erode someone’s self esteem / self confidence so that the person both accepts sub par behaviour within the relationship and also begins to believe they can do no better.

Judging by some of the threads I have read on MN, I'd say there may be a link.

I hope somehow things can be better for you OP.

I think it is and it can also apply to life in general, I've seen people with low self esteem being taken advantage of for example in a work setting whereas the same person wouldn't ask of the same of those more confident and likely to push back. Even in schools thinking about it, the children of parents with less confident parents seem to get less awards than those with pushy parents.

And I think it's because of my issues of low self worth. I think I just "settle" with any man that seems ok but deep down I know they are not...
I think subconsciously I "aim low" as I know ill never get a decent, loving man.

Yes, and also, from personal experiece, I'd add that it often isn't simply that you "settle" but actually subconciously reject, don't accept and/or procrastinate over better potential partners as you feel:

a) you're not entitled to them or they may leave you once they discover how crap you really are. Good partners are out of your league.

b) that, as their healthy human beings, they don't need fixing in some way, so won't need you - in other words, you feel the bad partners will find you attractive and stay with you because your ability to give is what's of worth, compared to things like looks, confidence, personality, achievements, etc, which is what most people get attracted to, but which you feel you lack.

c) that a healthy relationship is beyond you, due to your short-comings (you believe the onus is on you to keep maintain it and don't feel you have what it takes) so deliberately choose emotionally unavailable partners or lost causes, as damage liitation for when things inevitably (from your perception) fall apart.

Also could be due to upbringing - if you grow up in an abusive setting, then that will leave you with low self-confidence. However, abusive partners may seem more attractive as that's the template for relationships you've grown up with - it feels comfortable, however much it causes you distress.

There is an overwhelming link.

One thing that I find frustrating about pop psychology is the idea that "any woman" can put up with physical abuse or narcissistic behaviours.

Whilst glad that women are not blamed, in denying the link between poor self esteem from childhood and the likelihood of being in abusive or exploitative relationships, we make it more difficult for women to undertake the reflection and growth they need to end the cycle.

I am also deeply depressed by the women on here casually telling others to "get some self respect" when they date married men for example.

You cannot suddenly get self esteem.

You can do things which make you feel.proud...exercise, work hard, keep a clean house, be a loving friend...but in most cases childhood is where people learn about their needs being either important or unimportant, and unpicking these and becoming more conscious of the unconscious beliefs driving our actions is the real work.

Don't be embarrassed. Your low self esteem isn't your fault and you aren't responsible for others' bad behaviour.

@TossaCointoYerWitcha

*And I think it's because of my issues of low self worth. I think I just "settle" with any man that seems ok but deep down I know they are not... I think subconsciously I "aim low" as I know ill never get a decent, loving man.*

Yes, and also, from personal experiece, I'd add that it often isn't simply that you "settle" but actually subconciously reject, don't accept and/or procrastinate over better potential partners as you feel:

a) you're not entitled to them or they may leave you once they discover how crap you really are. Good partners are out of your league.

b) that, as their healthy human beings, they don't need fixing in some way, so won't need you - in other words, you feel the bad partners will find you attractive and stay with you because your ability to give is what's of worth, compared to things like looks, confidence, personality, achievements, etc, which is what most people get attracted to, but which you feel you lack.

c) that a healthy relationship is beyond you, due to your short-comings (you believe the onus is on you to keep maintain it and don't feel you have what it takes) so deliberately choose emotionally unavailable partners or lost causes, as damage liitation for when things inevitably (from your perception) fall apart.

You are so right. I grew up feeling worthless and ugly. As a teen, friends said I was an attention seeker when I told them I felt ugly. If a lovely boy asked me out, I always said no, because I believed it was only a matter of time before he noticed what a sub-par human I was. Ended up in a very long relationship which was abusive. Struggled to get out of it after a long time spent trying to hold on to it and be good enough. Single now bit still feel I’m not good enough for a nice person. The voice never leaves me alone. It’s relatively early days and I know I need to work on myself, which is what I’m trying to do.

I think one of the most powerful statements I have heard on here is :

"If they show you who they are by their actions -do not let their words persuade you otherwise -they have shown you who they are "

Not exactly word perfect but it's a very good motto to keep in the front of your mind .

@Yummypumpkin

There is an overwhelming link.

One thing that I find frustrating about pop psychology is the idea that "any woman" can put up with physical abuse or narcissistic behaviours.

Whilst glad that women are not blamed, in denying the link between poor self esteem from childhood and the likelihood of being in abusive or exploitative relationships, we make it more difficult for women to undertake the reflection and growth they need to end the cycle.

I am also deeply depressed by the women on here casually telling others to "get some self respect" when they date married men for example.

You cannot suddenly get self esteem.

You can do things which make you feel.proud...exercise, work hard, keep a clean house, be a loving friend...but in most cases childhood is where people learn about their needs being either important or unimportant, and unpicking these and becoming more conscious of the unconscious beliefs driving our actions is the real work.

Don't be embarrassed. Your low self esteem isn't your fault and you aren't responsible for others' bad behaviour.

I love your words.

It could be useful to listen to this voice fully.

Write down what it says.

Don't silence it..let it have it's say in full.

Then you can start thinking about whose voice it is...who said these things to you...when did the voice start...and how true it is.

I know this sounds very hard but only by actually listening to that voice in depth can you begin to counter it with real truths about you and recognise that that voice is not you.

@Shebangshebong

Yes of course there is. If you have high self esteem and boundaries you won't tolerate shit behaviour and bad men because you'll know you deserve better and feel perfectly okay on your own. Have you considered counselling?

This!

Or the Freedom Programme?

Yes and just yes

@Yummypumpkin
You are very wise!

I am just very old @whenwillilearntoadult

Well, I should be old enough to know better! @Yummypumpkin
Seriously, thanks for your words. I’m going to spend some time listening and writing, as you suggested.

Also, sorry to hijack your post, OP

When I was much younger and inexperienced, yes. Now I'm older and divorced, I have built boundaries and self-love, brick by brick.

Absolutely OP, I think some think of appearance only when they think of self esteem but of course its much more than that. Someone with low self esteem is so much more likely to either not realise their worth or to not realise that they deserve better.

Also the thought of being alone forever etc.

Of course there is. If you don't respect yourself and don't set boundaries as to how you expect to be treated, how on earth do you expect someone else to respect you? If you don't care about yourself, why would anyone else uphold you? You don't care about yourself so why would a male care? They are predators at heart. You have to set the example, the benchmark about how you wish to be treated. If you don't yes the vultures and cocklodgers will swoop in. If you don't prioritise you own needs why would they. Men respect women that respect themselves, if you have a high bar they will reach to attain it. If you think of yourself as a piece of shit, then there are many men that will swoop in for the kill and treat you as such. Protect yourself and establish high standards, at the start. Xx

Absolutely. I've only had 2 relationships.

I've just left exH. He's a controlling narcissist.

One before that was a compulsive liar and a cheat.

I've got dc's to both of them and feeling absolutely terrible at the moment that they have shit dads and I've ruined my chance of doing it properly - if there is such a thing.

I have learnt so much from my marriage. Mumsnet has taught me a lot also. And I'm having weekly therapy so I hope i can break the error of my ways.

I know it all started from childhood. Lack of love from my parents - even though I have a good relationship with both of them. They never have or ever did tell me that they love me. Say positive things about me. Never told me I was a kind, caring, thoughtful. I know I am all of those things but I was never told.

It's led me to being an absolute doormat when it comes to relationships. I'd be walked all over in the hope I would be shown love in return. Obvs I'm starting the process of divorce soon so I can't say it ever happened :-(

Onwards and upwards and all that