please tell me about your bipolar family members

[loloballlolo]

dad is bipolar, not too long diagnosed. however think it must have been there a long time. Would love any stories from people in similar situations with bipolar family members. He is abusive, conspiracy theory obsessed and creates drama wherever he goes but presently manic so it's worse than ever, in fact it's awful. looking back it would explain a hell of a lot of things from childhood but also I am wondering if the bipolar is the cause of that behaviour or just makes it worse e.g. is he abusive anyway?? struggling a bit and considering what next for our relationship. When he's not manic he's never easy but not as terrible. I'm not sure what to do, cut contact or otherwise. Need to support mum who remains married to him. Thanks.

My DM is bipolar. She’s the only person I know with BPD, so I have no one to compare her too. Hard to tell where her own personality ends ans where bipolar starts - how much of her behaviour is part of the condition and how much is inherently her?

She revived her diagnosis in her 40s and has been medicated ever since, though she’s reluctant to take certain medications.

I’ve definitely distanced myself from her over the years.

Are you close to your mum?

My ex-husband has bipolar. I insisted upon a formal diagnosis when our kids arrived into the world, although I knew before then what was wrong. He is up and down like Zebedee, and has done some Jerry Springer outrageous things attributed to his condition. Arrested, deported, banned from shops, car crashes, swinging, gambling, arguments, fights and associating with unsuitable people. We divorced because I couldn't cope with his behaviour with young kids at home. I insisted, and we co-parent ok now. He had therapy and has been on mood prescriptions but once he feels well then he stops taking the pills...and all hell breaks out. When lucid, he knows he has a problem but when around other people with similar mood disorders, he thinks he is normal. He has a few people in his social circle just like him. I am on edge most of the time waiting for the next crisis. Your mum may benefit from counselling and advice from mental health charities. If she registers as his carer then she maybe entitled to financial and practical help. You need to create boundaries for yourself not to get sucked into this mess to the point of your own detriment. Bipolar will always come with a rollercoaster of emotions. It is for you to learn to draw the line in the sand in terms of what you will, and will not accept from him. I find this works for me and my relationship with my ex is on my terms. It is often left to me to tell him when he needs to go back and see the doctor, for instance.

thank you both so much for taking the time to reply. @scoobydoo1971 this sounds so familiar. dad is medicated but I believe stopped taking one of his tablets a few weeks ago, and whilst he since reverted to full meds is in crisis mode, and I wonder could that short deviation lead to the mania? It also describes very well my childhood - my dad has been in and out of employment, associating with all the wrong people, dangerous people, abusing drugs and alcohol, prone to religious or other fundamentalist beliefs, baiting for an argument etc etc. for many years we normalised it as a family, I believed it was somehow semi normal. now I have witnessed the full blown mania, the echoes through my childhood are undeniable, if not more "diluted".

trying so hard to get mum to get therapy as well as him. I believe it's affected his brain as well. heard mania causes brain damage. wouldn't surprise me. he's lost his facility for critical thinking and sucked into youtube world. cannot function.

it's heartbreaking because he directs it all out at us all, everyone else is the problem.

I think this is our moment of change or cut off forever though. hopefully mum will get therapy and see through the abuse and insist he gets it. I struggle immensely because now realising this was prevalent my entire life trying to be objective about it is tough. Like we have stockholm syndrome or something.

I am super close to my mum and worried about her, she's been put in physical danger more than once and seems reluctant to seek support sometimes in fear of his reaction. Although at least now the MH team is involved. I will try to insist on her getting some therapy though.

@MazzleDazzle thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Does your mum have support in her household e.g. husband? or from her adult children or carers or anything?

Curious how when someone is bipolar it plays out longer term, especially if there is a divorce or something and if family leave or minimise contact how they cope.

Hope you are doing ok. As an adult do you think it was prevalent during your childhood? What were the effects on you if so? (Sorry I hope that's ok to ask - I ask because life as an adult for me has not been very easy). Thank you and no worries if you don't feel inclined to answer. :)

My ex husband is bi polar
I threw him out when he stopped taking his meds whilst manic
Endured 18 years of extreme ups and extreme downs, lots of physical, verbal, financial abuse
He totally went off the rails for a while after we split
He remarried and moved to Australia, fingers crossed that lasts!
Our grown up children have nothing to do with him.
To be honest, we don’t miss him at all
The day he went it was like a black cloud that had been hanging over us was finally gone.
Once he was diagnosed and on meds he was bearable, stopping them was a non-negotiable
But when he was manic, he couldn’t give a fuck
It’s no way to live
Sorry OP
My ex wanted to be better but in the end nothing was better than the don’t give a fuck feeling he got from being manic
Not me, not his children, not. his life, nothing, and we deserved more

My lovely cousin had bipolar disorder . She was a bit older than me and I remember as a child (when she was a teenager) she would have epic shouting rows with her mother. She was in and out of hospital for many years, but she was always the loveliest most gentle soul when she was well. Sadly she died earlier this year, as a direct consequence of her illness and I am still heartbroken. The illness can cause some very difficult behaviour when sufferers are unwell but shouldn’t be used as an excuse when people are in between episodes

My mum was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 14. My parents got divorced a shortly after and since then she has been in and out of relationships with various dubious characters.

I have a very difficult relationship with her and only see her 1-2 a year. She is manipulative, narcissistic and unloving- and I spent many years of my life trying to workout whether it was the bipolar or her character... in the end I decided that she wasn't a very nice woman to be around and decided to limit contact. She doesn't have a relationship with my children.

@MazzleDazzle

My DM is bipolar. She’s the only person I know with BPD, so I have no one to compare her too. Hard to tell where her own personality ends ans where bipolar starts - how much of her behaviour is part of the condition and how much is inherently her?

She revived her diagnosis in her 40s and has been medicated ever since, though she’s reluctant to take certain medications.

I’ve definitely distanced myself from her over the years.

Are you close to your mum?

This. I've spent years and years trying to work out where my mum ends and the bipolar starts. Its mentally exhausting and sort of reassuring to see someone else experience this.

My mother has BPD. She had slow cycles and had severe depression (lasting months and months) and hypomanic episodes for 2 decades. She took herself off her meds on and off which was destabilising. After a few years of miraculous stability on meds she took herself off them cold turkey and had an extremely severe manic episode. It has destroyed all her family relationships and friendships and she is in a fragile state now. I have limited contact with her. BPD is extremely destructive and I too have struggled with how much is her and how much is the disorder. She never tries to help herself and won't do basic things like light exercise or trying to maintain a regular cycle of sleep and taking medication that might help her stay well. Her taking herself off the medication and basically causing a long horrible period that had massive effects on everyone around her (e.g. all 3 of her kids got PTSD) is what I can't understand. She was stable when she decided to do it and everyone (medics, family etc) advised her the likely consequences. She'd seen the consequences of coming off her meds herself in the past but she still did it. I can't really forgive her for that and I do attribute it to her personality rather than the disorder, I'm not sure if that's fair.

this thread is SO helpful, thank you everyone. What I am realising is that all the symptoms seem to be fairly consistent across the board, so that helps me realise that maybe it's not his choice, that the illness is more the issue and that maybe the illness overrides the "safety" capacity somehow like drugs do. In a way it's pretty harsh to have to recognise this though! and I do wonder should we forgive them every mishap because of how poorly they are or should we hold them accountable at least to some extent! It's a bit crazy making. My main worry is my poor mum who has been subjected to bullshit for 40 years.

I think if your Dad's behaviour is unacceptable and causes you emotional harm, then it doesn't matter which bits are caused by Bipolar op.

Being abused by someone isn't ok just because the abuser has mental illness.

Also, I know you are close to your Mum, but she has made her choice to stay with your Dad for 40 years. Don't try to save her, she may not want saving anyway.

Concentrate on you instead. Get therapy and start working through the childhood trauma your parents exposed you too.

Good luck.

I have no experience with bpd but I recently watched maid on Netflix, where the mother has bpd and is a very interesting character. Might be worth a watch, though be warned it is heavy.

My brother was diagnosed with BPD in Jos early 20s. He has always been very difficult - total extremes of behaviour and exhausting to be around. His highs are too loud, too busy and his lows are just dreadful. I have as little to do with him as possible now. I feel for your mother - there is not a chance in hell I would get into or stay in a relationship with someone like my brother.

Jos = his

My Dad has bipolar. I have needed a lot of therapy, not just because of him, but because of my Mum's enabling behaviour and her ways of coping. With all due respect, step back from rescuing your Mum who has chosen to live this life and get some therapy for yourself. Heal yourself. Get good boundaries from them both.

I have bipolar and I don't think I'm abusive or drama at all particularly.

A lot of how well people do with bipolar depends on how compliant they are with medication and whether the doctors have found the med that best suits them.

If he's been fairly newly diagnosed @loloballlolo , it could be that they haven't yet found the right mediction for him, they need to try a different one.

Maybe you can encourage him to try different meds (though it sounds like he mightn't respond well to you saying that.) Hopefully his consultant will pick up that they need to try a different med.

It's also not uncommon for people with bipolar to also have another condition such as a personality disorder or ADHD which is contributing to their behaviour. You can partly tell this by whether they are badly behaved or have difficulties for a lot of the time, not just when they're in an episode of bipolar (bipolar is episodic, people don't usually have difficulties in between episodes much. Some people have rapid cycling, but they tend to have episodes of a few months/weeks duration which have been picked up and diagnosed before that) But again, until they get his meds sorted you can't tell how much of his behaviours are bipolar and how much are something else.

I have bipolar 1 and I’m a GP, I’m just here to say that not everyone with bipolar is an abusive nightmare to be around. It can make people difficult to live with and requires a lot of understanding from relatives and friends, as well as self-compassion.

I find it interesting how people seem often to be willing to put very problematic behaviour down to a bipolar diagnosis rather than the drugs/alcohol issues mentioned. These things on their own can cause very problematic behaviour and they are particularly toxic when mixed with a bipolar diagnosis. I can tell you for sure I would not be able to function well enough to be a doctor if I added drugs and alcohol to my existing bipolar diagnosis!

In terms of abusive behaviour, I agree with a PP who has said whatever the cause, it’s never ok. If someone with bipolar disorder hits their partner all their life while continuing to take drugs and refuse treatment, that to me is not all down to the bipolar disorder. In contrast, someone who is usually a great partner who hits his partner while hearing voices telling him that he needs to hit his partner to save the world, and then gets sectioned as he is so clearly unwell, treated successfully, and when well is distraught at what he has done and truly remorseful, that’s a different situation. Does it mean it was ok for him to hit his partner? No of course not? Could his partner consider forgiving this on the basis that he was temporarily insane at the time? Yes. Does his partner have to do this? No. Is it understandable if she feels this is something she’ll never be able to get over? Yes. Regardless of what happens with the relationship ultimately, was she right to move out and keep herself safe from this behaviour while he was still psychotic? Yes.

I agree with a PP who has basically said that awful behaviour that is truly due to the bipolar disorder for someone accepting of treatment (and not on drugs/alcohol) is likely to happen in acute discrete separate episodes, if it’s happening all the time it’s either someone who isn’t accepting treatment, who is actively choosing to remain messed up psychologically by taking drugs/alcohol, or whose behaviour is driven by something other than the bipolar disorder which is just being used as a convenient excuse (I see this a lot, and also see friends and relatives taken in by it). To my mind if you have bipolar disorder, difficult as it is, you have a responsibility to yourself and your loved ones to keep yourself as well as possible which means no drugs/alcohol and engaging with treatment.

I also agree with a PP who said to keep healthy boundaries of your own and avoid getting too sucked into the “drama triangle” of rescuing your mum, who has made a deliberate decision to stay in this relationship. That’s not to say you can’t be a support or encourage her to react appropriately to situations.

Brother- absolute nightmare as he would NEVER work with Mental Health services. Had terrifying for the rest of his family manic phases and BOY could he drink and do illegal drugs all because he was the 'choosen one' and could do what he liked. He gave my parents absolute hell and bleed them financially until they worked out he was drinking himself to death and had manipulated them both into bankrolling his increasingly grandiose and entitled lifestyle. He was earning a good 50% more than we had comming in at the time.

Eldest son also has it. Was voluntary sectioned at 14. Formally diaognosed at 18. His worse manic day was blasting through £5k on he has no idea what. Howevere he does work with his support from MIND, the CMHT, his GP and all to try and stay as well as he can and yes he does ask for help if he spots his mood dipping or elevating. I recommed MIND as they can offer support and info for everyone affected by mental health issues. DS has always said its easier to spot a down mood starting than an up mood. Christmas when its grey and wet rather than bright and frosty always dips him to suicidal depression. Brillaint runs of snow days can tip him onto an up. Roll on spring when he is more stable.

I have been thinking about this thread and I also realise I haven't spent a lot of time picking apart what is my Dad and what bipolar because that hasn't been important. What has been is the effect of his behaviour and his lack of empathy and love and how I experienced that as a child under his care. And really that could be relevant for any relationship regardless of mental illness diagnosis or not. So I would also say focus less on the diagnosis and more about trying to find out how you manage time spent with him and your Mum in the healthiest possible way.

Youngest DS rapid cycling bipolar
Can be hours, days, weeks. Severe depression,caused by taking 10 years for diagnosis. He's late 30s. I'm his carer. Has had various antideps prescribed. Dr refused lithium because DS wouldn't be able to go for the regular blood tests. He stopped the meds himself, said he was just staring into space, dribbling,(metaphorically) he would rather feel "something". Anger as teenager,arrests,(prison 6 months) GP thought this was due to recreational drugs. Says he wants to die,but is too much of a coward to try and kill himself
Had various conspiracy theories over the years. Thought he would be antivaxxer,but he was all for it. Ex H was a psychopath,who tried to kill me,think this was a big contribution.

Me.
When I’m on my meds I’m pretty fine, maybe a little more emotional then most people but generally ok to be around. When I’m not on my meds I’m mostly depressed and my manic episodes are usually very self destructive. Currently not on any meds due to breastfeeding but am managing ok and being monitored closely.

I was diagnosed as having bipolar rapid cycling. Meds didn’t make any difference, I did my own research and I actually have ADHD. Now I finally have the right meds and support system I am thriving.

I have mild bi polar, since my hormonal depression, I have roughly 1 bad bout a year.
Meds fine, affecting my 3D vision, awaiting drug changed to hopefully fix.
Stable, no mad moods either

I don't have a family member diagnosed with BiPolar. However, I used to have a friend who said she had it. She was perhaps more "intense" than your average person, but otherwise she seemed to be 'fine', held down a job and a small family. I asked her once if she was "on meds" and she said no, which surprised me. However, I know from reading that some people with BiPolar have incredibly chaotic lives full of various destructions, especially when drink and drugs come into the picture, to the extent that family members have to pull away to save their sanity. Perhaps it is a question of degree? Perhaps may also be other additional diagnoses that are 'undiagnosed' that add to it? Or even misdiagnoses as with HMG. I don't know.

However, I do have a family member with I believe (undiagnosed) PDA - Pathological Demand Avoidance - a subset of autism which can be very difficult to live with and includes impulsive behaviour, mood swings and other stressful behaviours. My view is (1) you can only help people who want to be helped and (2) can also accept help (3) you can only help to the extent that you are capable of - if its distressing and destructive to you to the point where your own sanity/health is at stake then that is not something that can work long-term (4) you may not be the best person to help them, and there are other people and agencies that may be in a better position.

Our relationship is quite distant now - I am still "there" but very much in the background and I have come to accept there is little I can do to help them . However, there are no medications for PDA - whereas BiPolar I understand there are some good, effective medications available.

She was diagnosed 11 years ago. My DF died the following year. For a couple of years my DSIS and I looked after her. At that time they were still trying to find the right balance of medication. At her worst, she was like a zombie. She’d fall out of bed and we’d have to take over her personal care. She couldn’t be left alone. Once we were at the pharmacy and I turned round and she was gone. I remember the complete panic - just like if you lost your child. I had to take time off work to look after her.

After a couple of years she met her current partner. My DSIS and I have distanced ourselves from her since then, although we’re still in regular contact. I had counselling to help process my relationship with her and put boundaries in place. This would definitely help your mother and you too.

She doesn’t drink or take drugs, never has, so I can’t say she’s particularly reckless. She knows sleep and exercise are important, though currently she’s not getting enough of either. She’s fairly steady now and doesn’t have extreme highs and lows.

Generally, she’s selfish, miserable, overly critical and draining to be around. No way would I want to be responsible for her day to day. I can cope in small doses, but that’s it.

When she was unmedicated and on the way up towards a manic episode, in some ways she was at her best as she was excited and positive.

Looking back over my childhood I can’t remember her having any manic episodes. I’m so used to her though, it’s hard to tell what’s normal. She did put three of our pets to sleep at different times throughout my childhood because they were an inconvenience to her. On one occasion she took us with her to the vets. The other two pets simply disappeared without explanation. Why on earth she didn’t rehome them, I’ll never know. When she gives me parenting or pet advice I really have to bite my tongue!

I’ve been wary of discussing her on MN before as I’d hate to offend anyone by making sweeping generalisations. I really appreciate the insight from @me4real and @Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco.