please tell me about your bipolar family members

[loloballlolo]

dad is bipolar, not too long diagnosed. however think it must have been there a long time. Would love any stories from people in similar situations with bipolar family members. He is abusive, conspiracy theory obsessed and creates drama wherever he goes but presently manic so it's worse than ever, in fact it's awful. looking back it would explain a hell of a lot of things from childhood but also I am wondering if the bipolar is the cause of that behaviour or just makes it worse e.g. is he abusive anyway?? struggling a bit and considering what next for our relationship. When he's not manic he's never easy but not as terrible. I'm not sure what to do, cut contact or otherwise. Need to support mum who remains married to him. Thanks.

I have a close family member with BP. At the moment we aren't speaking and in all honesty is a relief as much as it is upsetting. I've tried to be there for them but it is hard. They have always had a crazy life but I believe that was mainly down to drugs and alcohol, and when I say drugs, I mean basically everything apart from heroin. They have caused huge amounts of heartache, stress, worry and tears over the years. They were finally diagnosed 3 years ago and are currently successfully medicated and seeing therapist. In general now they are steady, calm and doing well, however our relationship has become more strained as they seem have become a very toxic, judgmental, critical person. I've been constantly on eggshells around them and just don't know how to have a relationship with them anymore. The bit where I struggle is that they have very narcissistic personality traits and tend to use their diagnosis as something they can pull out of the bag to bash people with/excuse themselves for crappy behaviour.
They tend to pick and choose who they are nice to based on what they get out of someone/how much they think they can push someone. I feel that I've been cast as the weak one in the herd, and that they can treat me badly and I'll allow it.
So as you can see I too struggle to pick apart the diagnosis vs personally thing as well. It's so so hard!

I think Bipolar disorder is quite frequently misdiagnosed, particularly the emotional dysregulation in borderline personality disorder.

I’m aware of quite a few people having their diagnoses revised to the latter.

^ sorry, replying to HMg107 and Blueplatt

My heart goes out to you @nannybeach. It must be very difficult for your DS and everyone in your family.

That’s heartening to hear @HMG107. One of my DC has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. I see a lot of my mother’s behaviour in her. I know that women rare often mis-diagnosed, so I’m keeping an open mind and trying not to let the labels dictate how I treat them.

My uncle had bipolar. He killed himself in the end.

I also have it. I've had a diagnosis for 30 years. Not sure where bipolar ends and I begin because it's never going away so it is part of me. I work very hard to stay well and generally spend more time supporting other family members in (non bipolar) traumas than having them help me.

It is a very hard illness to live with as a relative because the desire to help and understand is overwhelming. When someone is manic they will never understand that you are trying to help them. You can not help them by listening to their problems or in any other meaningful way. They just need medical help, sleep and medication. Knowing this can be very helpful in dealing with it.

There's a charity Bipolar.org that has lots of helpful info for people with bipolar and also their families. I'd recommend looking at them.

Being abusive is because of the person not bipolar. My sister has type 2. She is the most gentle loving person. She would never hurt or abuse anyone. She only tried to hurt herself in the past. She is on the right medication last few years and I have my sister back. She was depressed for years and her days and nights were the opposite to ours. She now works, drives and has a dog. She has a great life and I am so so happy for her.

@Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco

I have bipolar 1 and I’m a GP, I’m just here to say that not everyone with bipolar is an abusive nightmare to be around. It can make people difficult to live with and requires a lot of understanding from relatives and friends, as well as self-compassion.

I find it interesting how people seem often to be willing to put very problematic behaviour down to a bipolar diagnosis rather than the drugs/alcohol issues mentioned. These things on their own can cause very problematic behaviour and they are particularly toxic when mixed with a bipolar diagnosis. I can tell you for sure I would not be able to function well enough to be a doctor if I added drugs and alcohol to my existing bipolar diagnosis!

In terms of abusive behaviour, I agree with a PP who has said whatever the cause, it’s never ok. If someone with bipolar disorder hits their partner all their life while continuing to take drugs and refuse treatment, that to me is not all down to the bipolar disorder. In contrast, someone who is usually a great partner who hits his partner while hearing voices telling him that he needs to hit his partner to save the world, and then gets sectioned as he is so clearly unwell, treated successfully, and when well is distraught at what he has done and truly remorseful, that’s a different situation. Does it mean it was ok for him to hit his partner? No of course not? Could his partner consider forgiving this on the basis that he was temporarily insane at the time? Yes. Does his partner have to do this? No. Is it understandable if she feels this is something she’ll never be able to get over? Yes. Regardless of what happens with the relationship ultimately, was she right to move out and keep herself safe from this behaviour while he was still psychotic? Yes.

I agree with a PP who has basically said that awful behaviour that is truly due to the bipolar disorder for someone accepting of treatment (and not on drugs/alcohol) is likely to happen in acute discrete separate episodes, if it’s happening all the time it’s either someone who isn’t accepting treatment, who is actively choosing to remain messed up psychologically by taking drugs/alcohol, or whose behaviour is driven by something other than the bipolar disorder which is just being used as a convenient excuse (I see this a lot, and also see friends and relatives taken in by it). To my mind if you have bipolar disorder, difficult as it is, you have a responsibility to yourself and your loved ones to keep yourself as well as possible which means no drugs/alcohol and engaging with treatment.

I also agree with a PP who said to keep healthy boundaries of your own and avoid getting too sucked into the “drama triangle” of rescuing your mum, who has made a deliberate decision to stay in this relationship. That’s not to say you can’t be a support or encourage her to react appropriately to situations.

This! Thank you.

It’s nice to see that some people diagnosed with bi-polar want to get better but I can’t help thinking
Wait until you get that craving for your mania
My ex was the same
Until the yearning for the total mania overcame all
Personally I have suffered too much
I did give everything I could but there are only so many broken bones you can have in a marriage
For a marriage to a person without bi-polar that’s usually 1
I can’t see any scenario where this is a mental condition that people can self medicate
Appreciate a “GP” has posted- she will be regularly drug tested and her employer will be checking she is taking her medication
It’s also reassuring to see so many more of us posting on this thread to say our relationships with the bi-polar person were not sustainable
I’m sure many of us still think “could we have done more?”

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 , in my late thirties. Before meds I was living in a kind of hell. After meds, it's a different kind of hell, but much easier for those around me to manage.

I do everything I can to manage my problems (borderline personality disorder, bipolar and aspergers), even down to drinking decaf coffee to prevent the small "high" from caffeine pushing me into mania.

I crave my manic episodes of old. I got so much done. I felt happy and energised and carefree. I take my meds religiously and have a carer (my husband) but sometimes......sometimes I'd give a lot to not be permanently sad on the inside.

In short, being nasty, abusive etc are not down to the bipolar, they must be there in the person initially in order for them to be amplified. If that makes sense?

MIL is bipolar. She hasn't found medication that works for her yet but when she's even, she tries everything to keep herself feeling that way - from changing her diet, to taking cold showers, to meditation, etc. My heart does go out to her because it must be exhausting trying to constantly monitor her mood and keep herself from spiralling up or down.

When she's high, she's very difficult to be around and had nearly left FIL a few times. But when she's low, she can be in bed for months.

In short, being nasty, abusive etc are not down to the bipolar, they must be there in the person initially in order for them to be amplified. If that makes sense?

Yes it does. My ex has bipolar. His last manic, psychotic episode he was horrendously verbally abusive to me. We'd been married 20 years. It was totally and utterly devastating for me. In a room full of "professionals" he recounted things I'd said in our Relate sessions. He Said I was controlling. Said his near successful suicide attempt two years before was my fault. And plenty more. No-one in the room tried to shut him down. I feel like they were part of the abuse.

It took 10 years for him to get this diagnosis. He'd had periods of major depression, the last one he almost succeeded in killing himself. In between he would be hypermanic. For months and months I used to feel sick when i heard his key in the lock not knowing which version of him would come home; what his latest scheme was and knowing I'd be called negative and unsupportive if I wasn't enthusiastic. My heart is racing just typing this. I have ptsd as does my ds. Ironically I think my dds ASD protected her a bit though she now seems to be having a delayed reaction.

Someone upthread mentioned lack of empathy. I noticed that in the last couple of years before his last crisis. He became much less kind in general.

Oh he stole £2k from our joint account and has never apologised or even accepted it was a bad thing to do.

A friend of a friend also has bipolar and is nothing like him. Like others have said, bipolar doesn't mean abusive by default.

It's an awful illness for the sufferer, but from my perspective, I feel it's worse for their family. None of us were ever offered any support. If we had my ds' health certainly would be very different and far less taxing on the nhs. His ptsd means for the last 3 years he's had extended periods of paralysis (usually legs) on top of ptsd symptoms and depression. That's all been devastating too on top of the trauma caused by his father's bipolar. And it's ongoing.

to all affected

I have rapid cycling bipolar. I have an ex with bipolar, and my adult daughter's partner of 10 years has bipolar (as well as his twin brother, and father). None of us are abusive.

One of my friend's mother has bipolar. She is also an alcoholic, and is awful to be around. Also, one of my mother's friends had bipolar, and they don't speak anymore because she too, was awful to be around.

A psych who specialises in PTSD & Borderline Personality Disorder told me that it can be tricky sometimes to differentiate in some people a bipolar vs borderline diagnosis.

My mum wasn't an abusive person generally when she was stable. She had her moments (as she was very emotional, including anger) but could be kind and did a lot for others. When she had a 10 month manic episode she became vengeful, angry, manipulative, she lied about everything, abusive, violent. It was like it brought out the worst elements of her personality and massively amplified them. In previous hypomanic episodes she'd been quite fun to be around, energetic and enthusiastic, if a bit draining (e.g. talking until 6am with someone on the phone), and she used to spend a lot of money. I don't think it's fair to say that the abuse when she was seriously manic wasn't down to the bipolar as without it, she wouldn't have done and said what she did. I'm not sure how much to hold her responsible for any of her behaviour. The main thing I hold her responsible for is coming off the meds while stable, knowing the likely consequences.

Further to my earlier post, after reflecting a little, I wonder if people with bipolar may be often misunderstood growing up, and treated in ways which, for them, were unkind. Which taught them that that's what love is. And so they perpetuate it if they're not able to be enlightened. Maybe. I don't know, just musing.

I do know that whilst my dad was an alcoholic (with all the unpleasantness that goes with that) I do believe that he, too, was bipolar and probably had Asperger's like me. My rock was my mum who, whilst she has periods of depression, was loving and stable and as consistent as my dad's behaviour allowed. She taught me what love really is.

My ex has it. He thought doctors and meds were part of a conspiracy to stop him exposing them as the anti Christ. I'm sorry to say he was an absolute nightmare. His manic episodes meant that he would lose jobs, run up debt, put himself in danger by being confrontational and once tried to take a child as he was convinced it was kidnapped. He was extremely paranoid and morbidly jealous, and turned very abusive. I did feel sorry for him ,wouldn't wish it on anyone, being sectioned time after time. Eventually I couldn't stand it anymore. I'm sure that some people can have fulfilling lives but sadly this wreaked havoc on him and anyone who was in contact with him. Help was hard to come by, and when it did he chose not to accept it, so so difficult. I didn't realise what a severe condition it was in the early days.

hi everyone, sorry I didn't come back sooner, things have been a bit full on with Xmas, NY and everything else. I have read and digested all of your amazing and helpful comments, and will re-read again later.

I think one of the most difficult things is that he's in denial about being ill, maybe that's a symptom of mania. Hopefully he can get therapy when he evens out a bit again (he's not had it yet) that will help him come to terms with it all a bit more. What's also difficult is that even when supposedly not manic he still believes everything he did while manic was perfectly acceptable and everyone else is the problem. Maybe therapy will help. I do worry that he seems too far gone to be properly treatable though. But I think this time the family will insist on it all. In the meantime I will focus on keeping myself safe and educating myself and supporting mum (where I can) from a distance but also bearing in mind the stuff about trying to "save" someone that might not be open to it 100%. I do need to be there for her at the moment though.

Thank you all for all your insight, I can't begin to tell you how helpful it is.

Young woman early 30's refused her meds and attempted her own life numerous times.
Eventually succeeded.

I don't have a family member diagnosed with BiPolar. However, I used to have a friend who said she had it. She was perhaps more "intense" than your average person, but otherwise she seemed to be 'fine', held down a job and a small family. I asked her once if she was "on meds" and she said no, which surprised me. However, I know from reading that some people with BiPolar have incredibly chaotic lives full of various destructions, especially when drink and drugs come into the picture, to the extent that family members have to pull away to save their sanity.

@BluePlatt I think people with Borderline Personality Disorder are more like that. But it depends how well controlled the person's bipolar is I suppose. A lot of people aren't properly compliant with meds. Once they're on a hyper they decide they don't need them, stop taking them, then completely wig out.

For sure everyone has to care for their own wellbeing, if a relative is harming someone's mental health or worse, then they should cut ties.

I think one of the most difficult things is that he's in denial about being ill, maybe that's a symptom of mania. Hopefully he can get therapy when he evens out a bit again (he's not had it yet) that will help him come to terms with it all a bit more. What's also difficult is that even when supposedly not manic he still believes everything he did while manic was perfectly acceptable and everyone else is the problem. Maybe therapy will help. I do worry that he seems too far gone to be properly treatable though.

@loloballlolo People are routinely brought down to a healthy state of mind from absolutely raving psychotic highs via meds. Until they're sorted out, you can't tell what will remain of any symptoms etc.

In short, being nasty, abusive etc are not down to the bipolar, they must be there in the person initially in order for them to be amplified. If that makes sense?

IDK, I think everyone has the potential to be nasty, we all know how to do it (even if we don't do it) and if we lose the plot it can come out. People become irritable with bipolar so I can imagine they might calep lople names, or be paranoid of course. I've been unfaithful when hymopanic, which is very common.

I think it'd count for a lot to me how much the person was working on themselves with meds etc.

But we all have to care for ourselves.

even when supposedly not manic he still believes everything he did while manic was perfectly acceptable and everyone else is the problem.

Sounds like my ex. It's a hard one.