Confused by MIL

[lonelyexpat]

I have been married to DH for nearly 18 years, we have been together for 21 years. We have 3 DC together. I have always got along with MIL, we have never been super close but never had any problems (that I'm aware of).

She has always been very generous with how much she spends on gifts, much more than my family. She used to always spend more on DH than on me, but that never really bothered me. It confused me, as my parents treat DH and I the same.

The thing is, she now no longer buys for me at all and I'm wondering if this is indicative of something bigger. Something has obviously changed but I can't pinpoint what!

DH brushes it off to avoid any kind of conflict.

Did she stop buying after the kids arrived? Most of my family follow the rule that once you have kids they get the gifts and no longer buy for the adults especially as the kids get older and presents tend to be more expensive items. If the adults do receive a gift, we will usually get a token sharing gift such as a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates. Although your post makes me think DH still gets the full present which wouldn't really fit with our set up?

Maybe she's got some financial difficulties or worried about upcoming price increases. Is there anything you can think of that you may have done to cause this change? If not just brush it off and carry she may have something going on that she is too proud to talk about.

Ask her.
If she is moving the goalposts you deserve the opportunity to do the same.
Ask her.
Then everyone knows the rules.

No, she has always bought for all of us. I haven't received a gift from MIL since Christmas 2016. DH has received Birthday and Christmas gifts every year since then.

I wish I had the guts to ask her. I hate confrontation!

I know you all don't know the answer and only she knows why but it hurts and I feel our relationship isn't what I thought it was.

@lonelyexpat

I wish I had the guts to ask her. I hate confrontation!

Has her behaviour changed in any other way?

i would ask you dh to gently ask what is going on

I’ve been married to DH for 16 years. Mil always bought me a present for the first few years as if making an effort then phoned me one day to say she was going to stop. Out of the blue she just asked a rhetorical question ‘you don’t want a present from me do you?’
She continues to buy for DH, usually a box of chocs or biscuits. Something which she could easily add my name to but chooses not to. I’m of the opinion that she does not class me as family.
DH also brushes this off but it upsets me every year that she brings presents for DH and DS and clearly leaves me out.

Do you buy her gifts?

I’d stop and leave it to your DH.

Without asking her you’re not going to know why she’s stopped giving you presents.

Couldn't you DH ask, or you say something breezy next year like 'I don't want you put you in an awkward position, so if you'd both prefer no gifts, just let us know?' If she asks why, just explain, but I'd try putting in a way that you dont want THEM to feel they need to give gifts if things are tight or they have issues. Very odd though to just stop giving. Also very odd that your DH doesnt ask them!!!

Wow, I'm so sorry to read this!

I'm amazed she rang you up and asked you. But at least you know where you stand now!

I’m more annoyed at DH for accepting this every year! As you said, my parents also treated us equally and would have even if they weren’t keen on him. (They are)

DH has always bought her gifts but I have given loads of ideas. The act of buying the gifts has always been his responsibility.

But they're from all of us, the same as the gifts I buy for my Mum and Dad are from both myself and DH.

My DH brushes it off and would never go against his parents. Maybe you should ask your DH to gently ask your MIL why she chooses not to get you anything.

I hate to sound so grabby, but something has changed. I just feel like maybe I've left it too long to ask now.

DH arranged to meet up with her just before Christmas, I didn't bother going this time. I know she doesn't see me as family so why should I make any effort.

DH won't ask him Mum. He avoids any kind of confrontation with her. He maintains she has just forgotten or she is too old now. She isn't, she's still working as a tax consultant.

She will only have DD stay over with her, she has never once asked to have my 2 DS's over to stay. I'm pretty sure she's aware of how differently she treats everyone. I pointed out last year how unfair it was to the boys. He did try and raise it with her. He didn't get very far!

Sometimes it is easier just to accept things instead of pushing for answers.
Sometimes the answers are worse than not knowing IMHO.

It’s not being grabby. It’s a passive aggressive snub and it hurts. It also hurts that DH allows it.
I can never imagine treating any partner of DS like this and if anything would go out of my way to include them.

@Anordinarymum

Sometimes it is easier just to accept things instead of pushing for answers. Sometimes the answers are worse than not knowing IMHO.

Wise words.

@Anordinarymum

I think you're probably right.

This happens to me with DPs family. I'm used to it now and no longer buy for them. Strange as my family treat us both equally 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry OP. Imo, it's defo up to your DH to find out why and manage.

@TherebytheGraceofGodgoI

Agree! I will do the same.

@saltandherbsandnothingnice

I'm not going to hold this one against him, I think too much time has passed now. I should have pushed when it first started to happen but I was quite embarrassed and upset and didn't really make a big deal out of it then.