Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is betrayal right? Any Advice Please...

64 replies

LifeAfterDearth · 29/12/2021 21:14

My first post. Feeling so sick. Briefly = been in (what I thought was) a great relationship for nigh-on 4 years. For circa 6 months partner had become noticeably distant, and not just because he works away a great deal of time. He lives with me (my property although he contributes financially and is generous) and has children from a previous marriage that visit every other weekend. I thought everything fine between us until around 4-5 weeks ago when I stumbled on a text message that appeared on his sync'd computer - there was no contact name, just a number with "Hi, is this --? Are you free in (area he was staying at a hotel in) tonight?". He consults for a profession and I help him with his work, it seemed a strange request as consultations are booked in advance and always during daylight hours. I googled the number and the name and was devastated to find that it matched with an "escort" (nice description!) agency. Apologies, tears, first off said it was only for "company" (the website contradicted this in a big way) then he "didn't know why he'd done it" - she apparently never text back....Also found out that he had been planning to move out and rent another place to be closer to his children - despite us planning to move (using my equity) next year. Bit awkward to type properly right now due to the holidays and him being here, but am happy to answer further questions/elaborate but - after I thought we had talked it through I woke becoming suspicious again and asked to see his phone and messages - turns out he has been discussing our relationship with none other than the sister I am (or thought I was) closest to. Hope this relays my feelings, just seeking some independent advice really as now I really don't know where to turn. Thank you

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 29/12/2021 21:17

Ah. He has done it before and will do so again. Good job you found out before you did anything permanent with him

AudTheDeepAndCrispAndEven · 29/12/2021 21:18

Get yourself an STD check for a start. For me personally, what you have already described would be more than enough to end the relationship. Is he still denying extent of things? He was already planning an escape, save him the bother and chuck him out now.

Original poster
LifeAfterDearth · 29/12/2021 21:27

Thank you both - I'm really not sure if a) he went ahead with it (I checked and the one he'd contacted hadn't been "online" for 2 years) or b) he'd contacted someone else due to a lack of response - I could see he'd not had a response after his initial text. Really did think we were working through it, but of course the active planning re moving out on his own "after Christmas" just makes it worse - it wasn't like I'd half-begged him to be honest with me before I found out, asking if he was using me as a place for him and his kids over Xmas so as not to ruin his plans - assured me it wasn't that and he wanted to work things out in the New Year, just wanted to "get through Christmas" for both of us (?) and of course discovering that he'd been visiting potential properties with his mother kind of blew that out of the window! Thank you for your prompt help xx

OP posts:
Galena92 · 29/12/2021 21:29

That kind of duplicity in a person is never a good sign. His plans to move and his soliciting prostitutes could have a huge, negative impact on your own life. The fact that you thought you had a great relationship until recently is unsettling.

He should be talking to you in an honest, upfront way about his future plans, and his decision to (most likely) have sex with other people. I don't understand why men like this don't just leave and do what they want, instead of hanging around and causing so much damage.

7eleven · 29/12/2021 21:31

Bless you. I think you know the answer. Move on and take care of yourself.

Original poster
LifeAfterDearth · 29/12/2021 21:36

I think I know the answer too unfortunately - and thank you to Galena92 as well, makes total sense. I just don't know how to deal with these feelings at the moment, children are staying here at the moment so all a bit awkward and can't "explode" like I want to. The fact he's been discussing this with my sister for months hurts more I think, I've seen the messages and they're either hurtful or contain much mirth - the one problem I do have is that two years ago he begged me to work for him, I left a relatively low-paid job to do this and now I really don't know where to turn - feeling foolish, betrayed, hurt, the usual!

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeAfterDearth · 29/12/2021 21:38

I'd even explicitly asked him if he'd spoken to anyone else about what he later told me he had been feeling - he'd said "no" of course, just a friend but uncannily deleted all those messages between them - refusing to give me his phone first off, gong to the bathroom and then handing me the phone...

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeAfterDearth · 29/12/2021 21:39

going to the bathroom! No gongs!

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 29/12/2021 21:40

Kick his dirty arse out and block him.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 29/12/2021 21:43

Aw, this sucks. It sounds like he has broken up with you in his head, but has delayed telling you, so he pretends everything is okay until he can get the courage to tell you ang gives him the chance to secure new housing.
He probably mentally broke up when he became distant 4-5 weeks ago.

Original poster
LifeAfterDearth · 29/12/2021 21:46

Thank you - he said that he was no doubt not going to "go through with it" (the moving) but had been "in a bad place" and didn't know where to turn, but (no doubt like the readers here) I find that so difficult to believe. He has attempted reassurance every day, nearly every hour that he can't be without me, made a mistake yada yada - and I was pretty (foolishly?) convinced until I saw the history of the msgs between him and my sister over the last few months.... but I can't help but think that this is an arse-saving exercise to get him through Christmas until he rethinks - that's what betrayal does I guess, destroy all trust for the future? x

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/12/2021 21:48

Your sister!! WTAF. Backstabbing unit. Watch out for her trying to hop on his dick once you've booted him out.

Re the job - are you employed on the books? Has it been 2yrs? If so, you have employment protection. I'd be carefully wording an email suggesting a generous severance agreement "as the current situation is clearly untenable." 3 months notice and a glowing reference perhaps?

Sorry you've had such a horrible shock op but thank god you found out before committing to a mortgage with the lying toolbag.

Original poster
LifeAfterDearth · 29/12/2021 21:51

@EvenMoreFurious - thank you - your terminology has given me the first smile of the day! ;) Yep, on the books and just over 2 years now, have been thinking so many things - including the spiteful ones! There were texts from him saying "can I come and see you at lunchtime to talk please?" and then "I really need one of your hugs, they're so good" - how I wasn't sick on the spot is beyond me but, again, kids with us at the moment so my patience has been saintly! x

OP posts:
sheroku · 29/12/2021 21:58

You're a better woman than me. I'd already be plotting my revenge.

Galena92 · 29/12/2021 22:05

The feelings are the hardest part OP but once you take a step back and look at this from more of a distance, you will realize how unhealthy of a situation this is for you, mentally and physically. That constant fear that you will one day come home to an empty house with no forewarning never goes away with someone like this. It isn't worth it.

Jk24 · 29/12/2021 22:08

Wow op firstly your sister is a dickhead too! But address that after you've kicked his sorry arse out! Thank god you didn't use your equity to buy jointly. Escorts and trying to score with your sister...you know what you need to do right?

MadMadMadamMim · 29/12/2021 22:14

I'm so sorry. Your relationship is obviously over and I'd be cutting all contact with my sister if I were you. What a massive betrayal from her! What on earth did she think she was doing? It's so utterly inappropriate to be discussing your relationship behind your back. I agree with all the others saying she's clearly interested in him.

He needs to pack his stuff and go immediately. You owe him nothing more. I'd be distant at work and be looking for something else.

Original poster
LifeAfterDearth · 29/12/2021 22:15

Am reading your invaluable responses, thank you - I have his company right now so trying to be stealthy as possible, but I will have time tomorrow - really appreciate all this x

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 29/12/2021 22:30

I am sorry OP. Yes this is betrayal. He has already left you he just hasn't told you yet. He wanted to do it when it would be easier for him so he would feel less guilty about it. Kick him out he can go stay at his DS's.

Aside from the house hunting you have evidence he was sleeping around 2 years ago. People don't change. I suspect he has always been doing this (different post code rules and all that) he can't bare to be lonely. Nobody books an escort for conversation.

I hope you find your anger quickly to help you get through the next few weeks. You really do deserve better OP Thanks

Original poster
LifeAfterDearth · 29/12/2021 22:38

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear - I have no evidence from 2 years ago, 2 years ago was when he employed me x it’s my sister he’s been discussing our relationship with for circa 4 months, but not discussing it with me

OP posts:
HairyFanjoBanjo · 29/12/2021 22:47

What the hell is your sister playing at!? Does she have form for this shocking level of betrayal!? I would be fucking furious if my sibling went over my head and discussed MY relationship with my DP/DH.

MsDogLady · 29/12/2021 23:06

This is terrible, OP. You’ve had a double betrayal.

While you believed in this Loser’s loyalty and fidelity, and in the plans you’ve made, he has been making a mockery of you.

He’s been leading quite the secret life. He is a punter who views women as commodities to be bought for his gratification. His recent pursuit of the sex worker wasn’t his first or last. While you’ve been dedicated to him and his children, he and his mother have been searching for a place for his single life. He and your sister are busy discussing you and getting close. They’ve done a real number on you.

He’s just a Con, so ignore his crocodile tears. Show him the door and and don’t look back. And distance yourself from your devious sister. You are way above these small people. Flowers

Whydidimarryhim · 29/12/2021 23:17

Is he sleeping with your sister? She’s not loyal to you - is she jealous of you. Dont be a walk over. He’s a liar.

Glindaswand · 29/12/2021 23:22

I think I’d be more upset about your sister.

Men come and go and some like this specimen is an utter weasel soon to be dispatched. But your sister has shown absolutely no girl code and no family loyalty - I’m quite forgiving but if one of my sisters made a fool out of me like this, I’d be very pissed off.
Their cosy little secret I bet - twats the pair of them.
Do yourself a favour & get your spring cleaning done early - dust them both out of your life x

Hawkins001 · 29/12/2021 23:31

@LifeAfterDearth

My first post. Feeling so sick. Briefly = been in (what I thought was) a great relationship for nigh-on 4 years. For circa 6 months partner had become noticeably distant, and not just because he works away a great deal of time. He lives with me (my property although he contributes financially and is generous) and has children from a previous marriage that visit every other weekend. I thought everything fine between us until around 4-5 weeks ago when I stumbled on a text message that appeared on his sync'd computer - there was no contact name, just a number with "Hi, is this --? Are you free in (area he was staying at a hotel in) tonight?". He consults for a profession and I help him with his work, it seemed a strange request as consultations are booked in advance and always during daylight hours. I googled the number and the name and was devastated to find that it matched with an "escort" (nice description!) agency. Apologies, tears, first off said it was only for "company" (the website contradicted this in a big way) then he "didn't know why he'd done it" - she apparently never text back....Also found out that he had been planning to move out and rent another place to be closer to his children - despite us planning to move (using my equity) next year. Bit awkward to type properly right now due to the holidays and him being here, but am happy to answer further questions/elaborate but - after I thought we had talked it through I woke becoming suspicious again and asked to see his phone and messages - turns out he has been discussing our relationship with none other than the sister I am (or thought I was) closest to. Hope this relays my feelings, just seeking some independent advice really as now I really don't know where to turn. Thank you
Sounds like he's trying to build a "relationship" with your sister