Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is betrayal right? Any Advice Please...

64 replies

LifeAfterDearth · 29/12/2021 21:14

My first post. Feeling so sick. Briefly = been in (what I thought was) a great relationship for nigh-on 4 years. For circa 6 months partner had become noticeably distant, and not just because he works away a great deal of time. He lives with me (my property although he contributes financially and is generous) and has children from a previous marriage that visit every other weekend. I thought everything fine between us until around 4-5 weeks ago when I stumbled on a text message that appeared on his sync'd computer - there was no contact name, just a number with "Hi, is this --? Are you free in (area he was staying at a hotel in) tonight?". He consults for a profession and I help him with his work, it seemed a strange request as consultations are booked in advance and always during daylight hours. I googled the number and the name and was devastated to find that it matched with an "escort" (nice description!) agency. Apologies, tears, first off said it was only for "company" (the website contradicted this in a big way) then he "didn't know why he'd done it" - she apparently never text back....Also found out that he had been planning to move out and rent another place to be closer to his children - despite us planning to move (using my equity) next year. Bit awkward to type properly right now due to the holidays and him being here, but am happy to answer further questions/elaborate but - after I thought we had talked it through I woke becoming suspicious again and asked to see his phone and messages - turns out he has been discussing our relationship with none other than the sister I am (or thought I was) closest to. Hope this relays my feelings, just seeking some independent advice really as now I really don't know where to turn. Thank you

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/12/2021 23:33

I would not trust a word from this man.

He is using you and your home.

Get whatever paperwork you need together and tell him get out of your house.

If you have access to funds, transfer severance pay.

Get yourself tested and get him out.

Your sister is some piece of work.

He is using your home.

Do not trust him.Flowers

ProudThrilledHappy · 29/12/2021 23:34

Your sister sounds like a real specimen Shock make sure you screenshot those messages for when they get together and try to tell people it’s all your fault.

ElizabethT8 · 29/12/2021 23:41

God, this is awful. You sound really nice.
He sounds like a real user - using your home and having HIS children over to stay regularly, getting you to work for him and then all the transgressions on top of that. Talking to your sister about your relationship for months behind your back is unforgiveable.

He can't be trusted at all, and my bet is that he is fucking your sister.
I would wait until the children go to their other home, then tell him to leave immediately and make a completely clean break.

Thank goodness you didn't move to another house with him using your equity.
You aren't married and have no kids together - cut him loose. Look for another job asap.
You are way too nice for this shit.

Momijin · 29/12/2021 23:47

It may be that your sister has been helping him get clear on your relationship and thought she was helping.

But he's a wanker that needs kicking out.

Sidehustle99 · 29/12/2021 23:52

He sounds manipulative OP. I would check that your sister hasn't been pulled into this unwittingly thinking she is supporting you before making accusations. It could be she thinks she's got your back. She may also be being played.

I don't think many sisters would leap at this opportunity. It's the least likely reason for the messages - but hey we do love drama on MN.

SunflowerTed · 30/12/2021 00:26

Your sister is a disloyal bitch

Maze76 · 30/12/2021 00:37

Kick him to the kerb!
How dare he treat your home like a hotel and you as an option! And yes , it may be unfortunate that his children are staying with you- but they are his responsibility, not yours. The man has his own business and money for ‘escorts’, I’m sure he can afford a hotel for a few nights.
Also, I’d let your sister know that you are aware of her betrayal ( which is unforgivable) I’d also inform the wider family.

EKGEMS · 30/12/2021 00:44

There would be hell to pay between sister and I. That's unforgivable. Are they sleeping together?
You can put your foot down and make him move out-he's manipulated you into being a pushover because his kids are there. Once they're asleep tell him he's gotta GTFO asap

freeingNora · 30/12/2021 01:17

Play him at his own game text your sister ! Omg I can't believe it OH has been using an escort service and now I need an STD test! Call her bloody bluff let's see just how interested in the results she is either way the man wants chucking out I'd be boxing up his crap and booting him and the children out.

Then take some time for yourself you've dodged a bullet but it's still an awful shock

MsLup · 30/12/2021 02:29

He is using you. Protect your home or he could come after it if he has contributed financially in any way.

He is using your sister to either gain support to justify his actions/ behaviour re leaving or cos he is moving on to her next. A decent man would have addressed any issues direct with you same with a decent sister she should have come to you.

Keep calm. Speak to a solicitor re ring fencing your home and protecting your assets. It hurts, I know as have been betrayed before. You just have to act with your head not heart. Why did he break up with the mother of his children? Maybe he has a track record for this?

So sorry OP. X

SinoohXaenaHide · 30/12/2021 07:35

Fundamentally it is impossible for a non-sexist person who respects both women in general and you as an individual, and who values sex as an important expression of physical love within a committed relationship, to take any of these actions.

You do not want to be in a relationship with him - the person you thought you were in a relationship with doesn't exist, he was a combination of your own fantasiesand this man's lies.

Of course he was using you. Women exist for his pleasure and convenience as far as he is concerned.

Chuck him out. He can go and live with his mum till he sorts himself out. You owe him nothing. Be grateful that you found out what he is like before you got more deeply entangled with such a ratbag.

MsDogLady · 30/12/2021 07:39

I’ve seen the messages and they’re either hurtful or contain much mirth…

Your P and Sister have been investing in each other, but not in you.

Instead of reaching out to you with his alleged issues, he has used (manufactured?) them to get close to your sister. Not only did she entertain this treachery, but she compounded the betrayal by participating in flirty banter. The cloak of secrecy surrounding their chat further suggests a developing intimacy and illicit ego validation.

He went to the bathroom to delete before he handed you his phone, so you know there were other inappropriate messages there.

I think your sister would feel devastated by his pursuit of prostitutes.

My advice would be to seek the support of individual counseling to cope with this double betrayal.

FelizNavidads · 30/12/2021 07:45

What a bastard.

Severance pay
Kick them all out and tell his kids why
Breathe
Look for a new job

TidyDancer · 30/12/2021 08:01

Wow it's been a long time since I've read a thread where it's been more obvious to me that this relationship is absolutely over.

OP I'm so sorry, this is a betrayal with multiple layers to it. Get the paperwork in order, get all the evidence together that you need - including a severance package from him company (make sure this is watertight and in writing). Then make him leave.

I'd probably be looking to go NC with your vile sister as well.

Loudestcat14 · 30/12/2021 08:08

Your sister’s betrayal is awful. With him, you can kick him out - which you should, as soon as the kids have gone - and never see him again but with her it’s much harder to deal with. That said, I’d bet anything they end up together as it sounds like the beginnings of an emotional affair.

Thank god you didn’t use your equity to buy with him. Count your lucky stars you’ve found out now and celebrate 2022 as being the year you started afresh without a cheating, lying partner holding you back.

Dozer · 30/12/2021 08:09

Wtf were you thinking re ‘working through it’ and countenancing his clear lie that the sex worker plan was a one off! This isn’t salvageable.

It’s your property: ask him to leave immediately. Unfortunate that the DC are there: would contact their mother to explain.

Then seek another job asap. In the meantime if you have more than 2 years in the job for him he can’t fire you.

Loudestcat14 · 30/12/2021 08:11

I would also 100% do what @freeingnora says and text your sister to say you’ve found out he’s been using escorts and you are kicking him out and getting an STD test. Bet she won’t be so enamoured after that.

MrsBaublesDylan · 30/12/2021 08:54

Tell him to take himself and the kids to your sister's.

Sounds like she'll have at least one bed for him...

So sorry you have been betrayed - people can be such let downs.

Curiousmouse · 30/12/2021 09:01

It seems to me that he has emotionally detached and is using you. A house and weekend home and somewhere for the kids to stay. Stability and permanence. His fun is elsewhere. The plan to use your money is disgusting.

They ALWAYS cry and beg when found out. It's a lot to lose. Plus the loss of power and status, difficult for a high earner.

He's crying for himself. He'll put up a stunning display of sorrow, but honestly, get him out.

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 30/12/2021 09:05

I would be showing him the door. Not on my watch. You’re worth much more than this.

Isthisit22 · 30/12/2021 09:17

So he's been trying to sleep with escorts (prob has esp if he works away) and now trying to sleep with your sister.
Not really sure what your dilemma is???

PurplePinecone · 30/12/2021 09:21

The way he described wanting a hug with your sister.... To me that seems like he means sex. Sorry op but I think he's cheating on you with your sister.

I wouldn't give a crap if his kids were there. Tell him to pack them up now and be gone. Dont make things easier for him. You should be getting very angry now!

AwaitingJudy · 30/12/2021 10:56

What horrible shocks for you. I assume that the reason you're not acting differently is because you are in that shock, which is understandable.

To give a bit of clarity, here are the steps I hope I would be taking:

  1. Calling the children's mother to explain the situation - i.e. use of prostitutes and discovering his own plan to leave means that you are breaking up and asking him to leave your house immediately. Advise her that you don't know where he will plan to go so she may need to make plans to receive her children back earlier than expected. This is not a question or negotiation - you are just informing her of what is about to happen.
  1. Informing him that your relationship is over and asking him to leave your house immediately and advising him that you will call the police to remove him if he does not. Do just that if needed.
  1. Take legal advice on your employment position and acting accordingly.
  1. Looking for a new job immediately, even if only something to tide you over while you look for something more permanent.
  1. Thank my lucky stars for my escape.
AwaitingJudy · 30/12/2021 10:59

Oh, and

  1. Tell my sister that I've broken up with him and precisely why. And that you have seen all the messages between them for the past 4 months and will be taking some time away from her to gather my thoughts before deciding what sort of relationship I want to have with her, if any, going forward.
Babyghirl · 30/12/2021 11:17

@LifeAfterDearth
Sosory your going through this, but unlike me I would of packed his and his kids bags last night and kicked him out not your problem where he ended up.

He's using his kids being there to keep the peace sorry should of thought about that when you done what you did.

Tell him today when he packing his kids up to bring them home to pack his own stuff and don't return.

As for your sis I would be livid at her, she should have your back no matter what and should of made it clear to him she was not open to talk about it. And told you straight away 💐