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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are most men like this?

42 replies

Boringlove12 · 29/12/2021 19:27

Boyfriend of 2.5 years is away for christmas and new year's with his family. I am with mine. We haven't spoken in a week, just a few texts here and there. I spent him a funny joke of his dream house. He just replied 'nope.' That's it today. He just doesn't seem bothered. Doesn't seem to miss me ever. I've told him I'm not happy about these things, but he calls me a nag and says he's not 'soft.' Are most men like this?

OP posts:
optimistic40 · 29/12/2021 19:32

Nope

Sorry, I'm being like him! No, though. I wouldn't bother messaging him if he acted like that, but I'm aware that others will disagree and say you should talk it over. I doubt he will respond to being told you want him to do more. So you can pull back and let him chase you a bit, or you can end it with him and find someone who is willing to put in more effort.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 29/12/2021 19:39

Why don't you phone him?

Gilda152 · 29/12/2021 19:40

Most men probably arent but me and my husband are exactly like this. We have two properties in two different place, he is at one for a couple of days, I'm at the other. I don't expect to hear from him nor him me. I've not forgotten he's my husband and still love him as much as three days ago I just don't necessarily need to speak to him for anything in particular until I see him next. It's only a problem if it's a problem to you.

Original poster
Boringlove12 · 29/12/2021 19:43

I guess it's probably because I don't feel loved or secure enough in the relationship. It's like he doesn't love me (he says he does) or ever miss me (can't remember him ever saying so). My dad and my best friend (a guy) are very chatty on the phone and via text. So I guess I've answered my own question.

OP posts:
NigellaBangBangTurkey · 29/12/2021 19:45

Sorry OP I can't say that would be normal for me. My DP would message all the time and call me a few times if we were apart for a week. Especially if it was at 2.5 years still.

FMSucks · 29/12/2021 19:51

You need different things from a relationship OP. Don’t minimise what you need or ignore it because it’s not him. You will end up miserable, and I’m speaking from experience here

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 19:53

It doesn’t matter how we analyse this. You. We’d someone who makes you feel loved and appreciated.
Some people will say they hate contact. Others will say they love it.

Bagelsandbrie · 29/12/2021 19:54

Well it’s not suiting you is it? That’s the main thing. Dh and I are big texters. We text a lot, non stop if not together on and off really. I couldn’t stand being with someone like your dp.

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 19:54

You need!!! Fucking typos

User310 · 29/12/2021 19:55

Do you live together? If you do I would say yes, this is normal.

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 19:55

I live with my partner! We text all the time. Just chit chat

FabulousMrFifty · 29/12/2021 19:55

A week seems like a long time, is he generally big on messaging?
maybe he didn’t like your joke 🤷🏼‍♂️

Momijin · 29/12/2021 19:57

I've spent a lot of time on the phone and messaging my boyfriend but when with family or friends, especially now, we don't tend to. We speak enough when we are together or not with friends or family, that we focus on them when we are. And I love talking.

However, I'm very sure of his love for me so am not paranoid.

AlbertBridge · 29/12/2021 19:59

He's just not that into you.

Please stop begging him for affection. Never ever ask anyone for more time or more affection. Receive what they give you and if it's not enough, walk away.

You know when a man genuinely cares about you. The reason you're a hating and questioning things is because his actions don't match his words. He says he loves but but he acts like he doesn't.

His actions are the truth.

Next.

DJBW14 · 29/12/2021 20:00

You deserve better, this should come naturally

RantyAunty · 29/12/2021 20:03

His actions say he doesn't care. Time to let him go. Start the new year fresh.

allofthecheese · 29/12/2021 20:08

DH is like this. If we're apart we will barely message, unless instigated by me. Even then he replies with one word or doesn't answer fully. I message regardless and update him on everything lol. He also hates talking on the phone. He's always preferred to talk in person. It doesn't bother me as when we are together he does make me feel loved and secure. So if he's not making you feel that way when he's with you, it's definitely an issue and you shouldn't put up with it.

Original poster
Boringlove12 · 29/12/2021 20:11

No we don't live together. We talk every day, twice a day normally. See each other on weekends. When he's with his family, he doesn't like to chat on the phone with them listening in.

OP posts:
MrsTophamHat · 29/12/2021 20:12

If it's imbalanced then it's not right.

My DH and I have never spent a week apart since we got together but we do tend to keep in touch. We'd most likely send photos of what we were up to, links/screenshots of things of interest and I expect we'd probably have a phone call most if not every day as well.

MrsBouquet5678 · 29/12/2021 20:24

Some men are like this and some are not. If a man has this attitude towards you he's not right for you at all and you leave. You have to kiss alot of frogs sometimes before you meet your prince and of course some people never do but if you do meet the right man you'll know and won't ever have to question it. Not all relationships are perfect but this bloke sounds like a selfish div and if I were you I'd leg it. Good luck! X

Midlifemusings · 29/12/2021 20:28

I am not on my phone all day and especially not when visiting with family / friends. I actually find it rude when you are visiting someone and they just spend the time on their phone. So for me, someone that would need me to be texting all the time would be a terrible match. I would probably text in the morning and at night and maybe a text or two during the day during downtime but most of the time my phone is in my purse.

However you need someone who matches you and if you need someone who is always on their phone - then those people are definitely out there!

AngryWithH · 29/12/2021 20:30

I am just newly into a relationship with someone who is very transactional in texts which upset me at first but when I explained that it made ne feel good when I got texts he then understood and changed his style. Men don’t know what to do unless you tell ‘em…

sosickofthisshit · 29/12/2021 20:31

My partner goes away with work sometimes, and always makes an effort to call or text at least once a day, and always says he loves and misses me, so it sounds like your bf isn't really interested tbh.

SlothMamaToBe · 29/12/2021 20:38

As others have said it doesn’t seem like your DP is meeting your needs. I would expect he may be quiet while seeing family etc but a phone call or proper text once a day isn’t hard to do. I’d be hurt by this too. My DP is also away at the moment but we drop texts to each other here and there through the day if not too busy and speak once in the eve to see how each other are. If it bothers you that he isn’t communicative then you need to address this with him.

ExpectingLady93 · 29/12/2021 20:42

No that's not normal OP