Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and son have very different personalities

45 replies

Frazzledfiona · 29/12/2021 18:10

Our son is 10. He is an extrovert. He has a very loud personality. He loves to entertain and make people laugh. He is a very good boy, has lots of friends and is doing great academically. I am extremely proud of him.

My husband is an introvert. (so am I). He is a quiet, laid back man. He doesnt enjoy socialising etc. He likes a quiet life, with close family members only. He would never ever do anything such as sing, dance, lark about, be abit silly etc. He is very serious.

Anyway, so obviously they are like chalk and cheese. Of course no one is the same, and people will have their likes and dislikes. I understand my husband wouldn't be friends with someone like our son because his personality is too different from his own.

But he is his child. And he actively dislikes him. He will tell me this openly. That he can't stand his personality and the way that he is. That he is embarrassed by him. He will often say to him "don't act like that", or "quieten down" etc. Our son is very in your face and is very loud. He has undiagnosed adhd. But he is our child!!! I absolutely adore him, flawes and all. And I love that he can express himself so well and isn't afraid to be himself in front of others and dance and sing etc. My husband just cringes at things like this.

How can I make their relationship better in the future? Rather than my husband just tolerating him?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 29/12/2021 18:11

Family therapy.

Htfdsyke · 29/12/2021 18:16

Your child won't, and can't, change. My ds is aged 43 and he's the loudest, noisiest person I know. I call him "Big Noisy". It takes all sorts. It would be a boring world if we were all quiet and self effacing. Your DH needs to lighten up and understand that some people are the life and soul of the party and we need that!

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 18:21

Agree family therapy.
Otherwise you’ll just never be visited when you’re older. He will just find his own tribe and you won’t be in it.

Dery · 29/12/2021 18:25

Family therapy. And keep an eye on this. Your DH is completely out of order in entertaining this attitude towards his child. He's being a twat in fact. Your child will pick up on it and it could be hugely damaging for him. If your husband can't learn to behave more kindly to his own child, you may need to consider more drastic solutions.

cherrycola7 · 29/12/2021 18:25

Sorry don't have any great advice but you are right to think about this.

It cannot feel nice being a 10 year whose parent doesn't like their personality. It will be obvious from the dads body language if not what he says. It risks damaging the child's self esteem.

Definitely look into family therapy.
What does your husband say when you discuss this with him?

Holly60 · 29/12/2021 18:26

Family therapy is a great idea. I would go for that.

TowandaForever · 29/12/2021 18:28

Can you explain the undiagnosed adhd?

Ohpulltheotherone · 29/12/2021 18:28

Oooh ouch, first things first your DH needs to told in no uncertain terms to wind his neck in.

Making his dislike so obvious and apparent to his son is so damaging.
It’s up to your DH to take steps to work on his thoughts and feelings, ideally through therapy.
If he won’t do it then it’s up to you to decide to protect your DS from growing up in an environment where he is openly disliked.

Your DH is the adult here and even if their personalities are polar opposites, it’s up to the adult to find a solution and a way to connect or at least contain his obvious distain. Poor kid Sad
Your DH sounds like an entitled arse.

Original poster
Frazzledfiona · 29/12/2021 18:31

Husband would never ever go to therapy of any kind. I already know and have told him that we won't see much of him when he's older because we will be too boring and miserable for him, but husband is happy about that because he doesn't want to be around it!!
He spoils him and treats him nicely, and he would always have his back over everything. But it's just this clash of personality.
Right now son is playing with friends on the PlayStation in his room, he is being very laughy, singing etc and husband getting cranky and annoyed because he can hear him. It makes me really sad.
We have a daughter age 7 who is much quieter. He has no issue with her whatsoever

OP posts:
elelel · 29/12/2021 18:31

How can I make their relationship better in the future? Rather than my husband just tolerating him?

I think you are asking the wrong questions OP. It's not down to you to make their relationship better, your husband is a grown adult and should do this for himself. As for your husband just tolerating your son, can you look at it from the POV of your son? This is awfully damaging for him. I am not a fan of jumping to LTB but in order to protect your son emotionally I think that's what you have to consider.

elelel · 29/12/2021 18:32

Also, framing this an an introvert/extrovert clash is wrong.

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 18:39

So it’s even worse because he’s got a golden child?!
I mean have you actually spelt out how seriously damaging this is?
Not a jokey, oh he won’t visit.
This is what fucks people up for life

Calamitydrayne · 29/12/2021 18:40

Didn't think it would take long for the LTB lobby to arrive...

cherryonthecakes · 29/12/2021 18:44

Things can only change once your h realises life is not a case of extrovert= bad, introvert= good.I find it hard to believe that he doesn't look at his son and admire and respect certain aspects of him that happen because he's an extrovert. Maybe he's the first to speak to a new child in class? Maybe he'll speak up for kids who are shy ? Maybe he's braver than the quieter members of the family and will shoo out a spider?

I agree with a pp that your son risks having his self esteem damaged by living with your h and you risk him not visiting for enabling your h's bullying and not protecting your son from this.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 29/12/2021 18:44

Your husband needs to grow the fuck up! I have a loud extrovert child and love them as much as my other quieter children. Your son will start to pick up on your husband's disdain for him and they really will clash then. Why should he have to tip toe around your dh?

PermanentTemporary · 29/12/2021 18:45

Right. I'll be honest, I am so tired of men who can't cope with the idea of therapy.

All right, in that case I would invite all your son's loudest friends to the house as often as possible. I'd encourage your daughter to be loud too. Demonstrate that your 'norm' can accommodate him.

elelel · 29/12/2021 18:52

@Calamitydrayne

Didn't think it would take long for the LTB lobby to arrive...

I'm not so much LTB as I am 'protect your child' - if that means LTB then so be it. It's seriously damaging for children growing up with a parent like this.

Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2021 18:53

So he is absolutely OK with saying he doesn't like his own child and doesn't see a problem with that or care enough ro go tho therapy? In that case, I'd leave him.

No way would I stay with a man who talks about his children like that. By staying, you are showing your son you agree with what his father says. And when he grows older, that will sting the most.

My gran was a nasty piece of work. I always knew she hated me. But what scared me was that one day she might convince my mother to hate me too.
Maybe your situation is not as extreme. But it's still not OK. Your husband is a dick and has no desire to change. And if you stay, you condone it.

Blush21 · 29/12/2021 18:58

I was this child in regards to the extended family. Aunts and uncles, some GP’s actively showed their dislike of favouristm of my sister. You need to spell it out very clearly to your husband that his behaviour can’t be tolerated and can’t carry on. Regularly called myself the black sheep as it was obvious and it will be obvious to your son too. He needs to get over it or hide it. How terribly he dislikes his own child. He needs to speak to someone. Whilst sometimes children need a firm hand and be told to be quiet there’s a time and place and not always. As an adult I have no relationship with the family members who actively disliked me and I feel absolutely nothing towards them

Smartiepants79 · 29/12/2021 19:02

Undiagnosed adhd?? Why is it undiagnosed? Does it affect any other aspects of his life.
I’ve taught children with adhd and when it causes them to be very loud and in your face all the time it’s extremely wearing.
I do think there should be room for compromise on both sides.
Your DH needs to accept certain aspects of his son’s personality and be more tolerant and find ways to enjoy him more.
Your son however, needs to understand that not everyone enjoys loud and in your face all the time. He’s young so I’m talking longer term here but he does also need to learn to read social cues and know when to stop.
Your DH has work to do but I think your son could do with some help and strategies also.

Original poster
Frazzledfiona · 29/12/2021 19:05

Both of the kids are treated equally, and are spoilt rotten. My husband doesn't outwardly show this feeling to our child unless telling him to quieten down. This is after hours and hours of loud singing, laughing etc.
The undiagnosed adhd, went through assessment as school had concerns as well as us, he was discharged because when observed on school he was able to concentrate during the lesson. He has matured alot since then but he is the class clown and although he does well academically we've had a lot of issues over the years regarding becoming distracted, being very loud at inappropriate times etc. The sen lead at school says he would be classed as impulsive, hyperactive adhd. I totally agree with this.

My husband finds all of this very difficult, and it is the intensity from my son that makes husband feel overwhelmed /irritated. I can close my ears to it. But he can't. He says it's like drilling into his brain. The constant chatter, singing, making loud noises, repeating the same phrase or song over and over for example.

I will just state again, he had never ever expressed his opinion to our son. It is me that he says it to

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledfiona · 29/12/2021 19:08

@Smartiepants79

Undiagnosed adhd?? Why is it undiagnosed? Does it affect any other aspects of his life. I’ve taught children with adhd and when it causes them to be very loud and in your face all the time it’s extremely wearing. I do think there should be room for compromise on both sides. Your DH needs to accept certain aspects of his son’s personality and be more tolerant and find ways to enjoy him more. Your son however, needs to understand that not everyone enjoys loud and in your face all the time. He’s young so I’m talking longer term here but he does also need to learn to read social cues and know when to stop. Your DH has work to do but I think your son could do with some help and strategies also.
Exactly this. Other people comment on it aswell but they are only around son for short periods, whereas we live together and like now over Xmas there is no break from it for 2 weeks. My husband gets very mentally drained from it. I just want to know how best to improve their relationship when they are so different to each other
OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2021 19:12

"Husband would never ever go to therapy of any kind. I already know and have told him that we won't see much of him when he's older because we will be too boring and miserable for him, but husband is happy about that because he doesn't want to be around it!!"

And what do you want from your future? And who would you rather have in it - husband, or son?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 29/12/2021 19:17

This is really difficult because you can't make their relationship better. This is between your husband and your son so it is 100% on your husband to make it better.

You say your husband is "laid back". He is not. He may be quiet and introverted but a truly "laid back" person would not be bothered by your son's behaviour, either towards himself or towards others. That's what "laid back" means, things don't bother a laid back person. Your husband might be a socially passive or withdrawn person but certainly he is not "laid back".

And if your husband needs to learn to value his own son, and he needs to stop cringing at him. You can tell your husband that he is damaging your son every time he fails to value his son's positive traits and every time he fails to show approval of them, as well as every time he cringes at him. Family therapy may help but it will only help if your husband is able to accept that he has a problem as a parent, and that he needs help to fix that problem, for his son's sake.

MrsCremuel · 29/12/2021 19:21

That’s really sad.

For me it was the opposite- my dad is an extrovert and I’m an introvert. I am a ‘killjoy’ and ‘miserable’ etc. Your husband needs to deal with this,it’s cruel. My experience has left me with so many self esteem issues - I’m 33 now and still struggle.

My DS1 is a big extrovert and I LOVE it. He is so loud but I’m so happy he’s himself and loving life.