Husband and son have very different personalities

[Frazzledfiona]

Our son is 10. He is an extrovert. He has a very loud personality. He loves to entertain and make people laugh. He is a very good boy, has lots of friends and is doing great academically. I am extremely proud of him.

My husband is an introvert. (so am I). He is a quiet, laid back man. He doesnt enjoy socialising etc. He likes a quiet life, with close family members only. He would never ever do anything such as sing, dance, lark about, be abit silly etc. He is very serious.

Anyway, so obviously they are like chalk and cheese. Of course no one is the same, and people will have their likes and dislikes. I understand my husband wouldn't be friends with someone like our son because his personality is too different from his own.

But he is his child. And he actively dislikes him. He will tell me this openly. That he can't stand his personality and the way that he is. That he is embarrassed by him. He will often say to him "don't act like that", or "quieten down" etc. Our son is very in your face and is very loud. He has undiagnosed adhd. But he is our child!!! I absolutely adore him, flawes and all. And I love that he can express himself so well and isn't afraid to be himself in front of others and dance and sing etc. My husband just cringes at things like this.

How can I make their relationship better in the future? Rather than my husband just tolerating him?

@Frazzledfiona

Both of the kids are treated equally, and are spoilt rotten. My husband doesn't outwardly show this feeling to our child unless telling him to quieten down. This is after hours and hours of loud singing, laughing etc. The undiagnosed adhd, went through assessment as school had concerns as well as us, he was discharged because when observed on school he was able to concentrate during the lesson. He has matured alot since then but he is the class clown and although he does well academically we've had a lot of issues over the years regarding becoming distracted, being very loud at inappropriate times etc. The sen lead at school says he would be classed as impulsive, hyperactive adhd. I totally agree with this.

My husband finds all of this very difficult, and it is the intensity from my son that makes husband feel overwhelmed /irritated. I can close my ears to it. But he can't. He says it's like drilling into his brain. The constant chatter, singing, making loud noises, repeating the same phrase or song over and over for example.

I will just state again, he had never ever expressed his opinion to our son. It is me that he says it to

He doesn't need to say it for your son to feel it though, and that's the important part.

I think there can be some give and take here. Your husband has to accept that your son has a different and louder personality. Your son as he gets older will accept that dad is quieter and more serious. In practice this is what happens in families. People learn to rub along with each other. I wonder if you are overreacting a little. You say yourself that your husband treats his son with affection and that it isn't obvious that his personality is disliked. He does however need to stop moaning about it or expecting it to change even privately as my sense is that it is this that upsets you.

Geez, sounds like my mother & me. I’m loud, informal & quite extroverted (& currently undergoing ADHD investigations aged 41), my mother is quiet, very formal & introverted. Her dislike for my personality always seeped through. She tells me she is proud of me, but it’s quite clear from her behaviour & reactions that my personality is something to be ashamed of, quietened down & shushed.
Your DH needs to sort himself out. Your son will soon be able to pick up on it, if he isn’t already.

Your husband needs to go to therapy by himself, I don't know what would be gained for your son by having family therapy. Your husband has to find a way to like the child he has.

@Calamitydrayne

Didn't think it would take long for the LTB lobby to arrive...

Given the ongoing disparity between men and women in relationships, this site is probably a lifeline to many women stuck in awful situations, so perhaps you'd be better off espousing your blatant MRA rhetoric on a MGTOW site, or something?

has your husband tried wearing ear defenders when it all gets a bit too loud? Where are you in the diagnostic process if you suspect ADHD. There are a lot of treatments and strategies for ADHD. If you suspect it and its causing issues within the family and at school, then you should definitely push for diagnosis, especially before secondary school

How do they cope with him at school? It sounds like his behaviour could be really disruptive if allowed to continue unchecked? How do they manage? And if he calms down with their strategy and knuckles down then it surely shows he can do it when he tries, so perhaps that strategy needs used at home?

If he could try a bit harder at home it would help. If the school can’t get him to be quiet though I doubt you will manage it at home.

The father needs to be prepared to put on noise cancelling headphones sometimes, kids do have to play, but I would hope junior isn’t allowed to kick up a storm for hours and hours as it’s not just him who has to live there and there has to be give and take.

I know a parent who thinks the sun shines out her child’s arse. She lets her run riot. To the point she’s actually dangerous. I don’t mean to be offensive but could that be like you? You don’t want to stifle junior and think he’s wonderful but at the same time he’s actually neurotypical and just badly behaved but you’re looking for a reason to let him off with this naughty behaviour because you are soft? No offence. Just asking as you have no diagnoses yet.

Your husband might be easily-overstimulated. That's not his fault, and nothing might help that because it's probably innate, but it's also not your son's fault so your husband needs to be the grown-up and good parent and figure out what he can do.

Other than splitting up your family, I recommend some ear defenders. There are some great ear plugs out there, like the standard E-A-R yellow earplugs. He can wear them when you're son is out of the room and if your son sees them, for the time being, you can say that your husband has developed an ear problem that makes his hearing extra sensitive.

Your son probably has more energy and so it might help to make sure he goes out and does exercise and sport too.

Your husband sounds overwhelmed. Can he go out for walks/have a hobby in the shed and can you get interventions in place as your lovely son does sound very tiring to be around and he would benefit from sometimes managing the noise level.

@MrsCremuel

That’s really sad.

For me it was the opposite- my dad is an extrovert and I’m an introvert. I am a ‘killjoy’ and ‘miserable’ etc. Your husband needs to deal with this,it’s cruel. My experience has left me with so many self esteem issues - I’m 33 now and still struggle.

My DS1 is a big extrovert and I LOVE it. He is so loud but I’m so happy he’s himself and loving life.

@MrsCremuel That could work really well for your son. Your quieter more introverted nature will allow him to shine. If he wants over extroverts to bounce off, he can always turn to his peers for that.

I think your husband needs to get over himself. He's the one who's behaving in an embarrassing way, showing up his own lack of self-esteem. (A person with good self-esteem would not feel embarrassed by another's good but loud behaviour). He is not laid back, he is uptight.

But, he could do with some good earphones and a hobby that takes him outside in the evening. Loud, repetitive noise can be hard to bear.

Why do you think being 'spoilt rotten' is a good thing? Do you mean 'doesn't want for anything, materially'? Is it just a turn of phrase? 'Spoiling' is giving too much and especially, the combination of material excess and emotional lack, is very damaging.

@Elieza hi, no our son isnt badly behaved at home or at school. He never has been. His issue is with being very loud mainly. Almost like tourettes, repeating things over and over for example.
He doesn't cause any issues in class as he loves school and learning, he tries to mask it as much as possible and hold it in. He will occasionally blurt out an answer.
When he's at home in his safe place where he can relax, that's when he is at his loudest. He's even loud alone upstairs, singing chatting to himself, opera singing, beat boxing for example. It's the constant noise that is very wearing.

hello OP, I personally couldn't stay with someone who didn't like our own child. sorry to be blunt.

It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t like his son. Just he finds his behaviour difficult. TBH I would too. Hours of loud singing? That would be hard for me.
Can you agree what is acceptable going forward? Find ways for your son to “show off” his amazing extrovert self? (Hobbies?) Get husband to find some quiet time? Walking? And set some boundaries about what is ok at home?

I'd find that behaviour knackering too, but I think I'd label it differently - I would see that as having an annoying child, and that being partly a behaviour issue and partly something I'd have to wait for him to grow out of. I wouldn't think of it as me "disliking" a child, as I generally don't really think you can make such a final decision on someone whose character isn't fully formed.

Have you considered soundproofing your son's room?

It is fine to ‘not like’ your own child for periods of time, as long as you still love them. I suspect many parents feel this way but just won’t express it.

And compromise is the key here. Your husband needs to increase his tolerance level and your loud son does need to tone it down a bit, especially at times when it is inappropriate to be noisy.

Firstly, about the ADHD. The assessment doesn't sound very high quality if they were unaware of hyperfocus. My DD with ADHD can absolutely concentrate on things she finds interesting (unfortunately schoolwork rarely falls into that category!). Are you aware that ADHD results in a lack of serotonin so those with it are often constantly seeking sensory input? That may explain the constant singing, shouting etc. DD plays games like Minecraft and Roblox and needs a lot of physical activity daily - BMX and swimming work best.

Would DS benefit from doing music theatre?

Regarding your husband, are you aware that ADHD and ASD are often co-morbid and highly heritable? Going through the assessment process for our DD was a real lightbulb moment for my DH.

Two good books are 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and The Explosive Child. They have great advice on how to like the child you have and how to help siblings.

Left untackled, this situation could be damaging for everyone in it. Please get help!

@Frazzledfiona

Husband would never ever go to therapy of any kind. I already know and have told him that we won't see much of him when he's older because we will be too boring and miserable for him, but husband is happy about that because he doesn't want to be around it!! He spoils him and treats him nicely, and he would always have his back over everything. But it's just this clash of personality. Right now son is playing with friends on the PlayStation in his room, he is being very laughy, singing etc and husband getting cranky and annoyed because he can hear him. It makes me really sad. We have a daughter age 7 who is much quieter. He has no issue with her whatsoever

Then LTB

Now

@Wolfiefan

It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t like his son. Just he finds his behaviour difficult. TBH I would too. Hours of loud singing? That would be hard for me. Can you agree what is acceptable going forward? Find ways for your son to “show off” his amazing extrovert self? (Hobbies?) Get husband to find some quiet time? Walking? And set some boundaries about what is ok at home?

He actually said that he didn't like him

Not even didn't like the behaviour. Didn't like his own son.

So I assume your DD is Golden Child?

Doesn’t mean he’s not saying it because he finds the behaviour difficult.