Moved abroad with DP, came home, now back here and I'm miserable

[taloola224]

I moved to Canada last year with my fiancé. Similar quality of life, not a drastic change culturally. At the time I was all for it, very happy. I loved it. Even immigration wasn't that hard, I just applied for a common law working visa. DP did everything for me, organised flights, etc... We're currently living in his parents basement, pay them rent but it's not extortionate. We do have space of our own.

I came back to the UK for a week for Christmas. And leaving was so hard.

I do love Canada, the mountains, the lakes, the views. But I miss so much.

I miss people getting my humour, I miss my family, I miss everything being so simple. I can't get a car loan, let alone a mortgage. I have no credit and I'm not a permanent resident. I find people friendlier on the face of it, like strangers- But it's not as social, everyone is more self-contained. I don't socialise after work, no one goes to the pub, no one initiates social contact. And it's not just me being 'new.' I miss the raucous, pub trips, the smell of the rain (it barely rains here) and my friends and family.

Being home was so nice. I was sleeping, chatty and happy. Now I'm back, I just feel very on edge and raw.

I'm not happy in my job here and I'd love to do a master's, but I can't afford to do it here. I'm only in my mid-20s and I know I'm not a child and I've moved out, but I just miss my family, family life and everything.

My DP doesn't like the UK though. His grandma is Scottish, so he's spent a lot of time here and is adamant he doesn't like it.

I moved of my own will and I did enjoy it. But it's not home, I don't want to spend forever there.

It feels like my only option is ending it, unless he's more flexible about living in the UK

I can see him picking up on it. He looks sad when I mention I slept fine back in the UK and when I call the UK "home." I've told him I miss home, but not to the extent.

We don't have kids, a mortgage or anything, for context

I do get how you feel, we have been in Copenhagen 14 months (both british) and whilst many many things are better than uk, I do miss hearing english spoken around me, miss friends and miss the ease of familiarity and because of covid it’s not that easy just to ‘join things’ either —

@taloola224 you'll find that the longer you're away from the uk, the more it will drift from what you remember. It won't be home. That's the price of emigrating from somewhere...

tarasma- The language change must be hard. Canada is extremely cautious with covid and it's making it even harder.

physicskate- My head just says I should go back then, sooner rather than later. I have tried. I've made friends, gotten a job, given it a year, but all I can find is "fondness." I also sometimes resent my DP: I moved, I left my family. He has family in Canada, his parents, sisters and brothers. I don't expect him to leave them but part of me wishes he'd at least consider.

It's really hard, but I do think that your DP is right not to consider moving back to the UK if he already knows that he won't be able to settle. That would just move the issue to a future time, not fix the issue. You can't both go through your lives taking turns to be miserable. If you get married and start a family then you would have to pick a country and stay there longer term and that would make one of you permanently unhappy and resentful, which is the kiss of death to a relationship.

I think you have to consider your situation very hard. Is there anything at all that can be changed to make you like living in Canada? Are there things that are insurmountable, that can't be changed so that you will always be unhappy, for instance being away from your family?

If you're never going to be happy in Canada and he's never going to be happy in the UK then maybe it's kinder to both of you to split on good terms and both make a new life apart.

It's natural to miss home but you can create a new home. You're still young and if you're not going to get married and have kids then don't worry too much about deciding where you will settle.

My niece moved to Europe from Asia as a mid teen and is now studying back in Asia because she missed it the last 5 years. However, she has decided to come back to europe after graduation because she prefers to live here.

For now, take the opportunity to travel/enjoy things that are particular to Canada and make the most of it. If/when you love back to the UK, you won't want to have wasted your time in canada moping.

I'm a Brit living in Canada, been here for almost 13 years. It was tough at first but honestly now there's no way I'd move back to the UK. I'm married with kids and a house and mortgage though, so different situation to yours. For me the lifestyle, education, health care and affordability are amazing.

Not sure whereabouts you are in Canada?

I think one of you will always end up resenting the other so maybe it's not the relationship for you.

Oh, OP - I hear you.

I've been out of the UK for 10 years, settled in one place for five, and for a long time felt very much like you.

For me it was the grind of everything being about 15% harder because of its unfamiliarity –nothing drastic, but my brain had to work just a little bit more All The Time: scanning the shelves at supermarkets because my eyes didn't just 'know' the brands, making a joke about Wotsits and people looking at me blankly, not knowing where to go to register for something or other... I realised however 'settled' I got, I'd never be 'native' anywhere but the UK, and 'native' took on a whole new meaning for me.

But for what it's worth, a year is no time at all, and I'm much more 'at home' here now.

I wonder if you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to feel in Canada after just one year the way you did after 20+ years in the UK?

Is the problem Canada, or is the problem that it's 'new' and you're in a hurry for it to be 'normal'?

I wonder if you feel like you moved for him, but you're just 'making do' for you... and if so, what would you need to ask for / seek out to make Canada the place where you get to have everything you want?

Be gentle with yourself –and with your fiancé. Big life changes aren't meant to be challenge-free, no matter what the shiny success stories make it look like.

This is a tough one because it's not about you and your partner not being happy with each other, but ultimately the question of where you settle is a significant one in a relationship.

As some of the ex-pats on this thread have said, it may just be that one year is not really long enough for you to have built a firm base in Canada and if you stayed longer you would feel more settled.

I have known some very happy relationships where one partner settled in the other's country but, on the other hand, I have known other, initially very happy relationships which fell apart in the same circumstances. Especially if and when you start a family, not being near your family could feel really difficult.

You're not wrong for missing your family and feeling that you've given up more than he has for the sake of your relationship because, as things stand, you have. He's not wrong to want to live in Canada but you're not wrong in feeling that it isn't right for you long-term. All that said, if you're only mid-20s now, you have time to give it another year or so and you may find you change your mind and feel more settled in Canada.

Good luck, OP - this is no-one's fault and it's a tough dilemma to face.

If you broke up with your fiancee in, let's say, 5 years' time, would you resent the time that you have spent in Canada? Obviously, you might have put more roots down by then, but it's important. If you are planning to have children, you will be more vulnerable without your family there.

Have you moved to the country? It sounds like you would be happier in a large town or city with more of a vibrant or creative cultural scene.

I used to work somewhere too (in the U.K) where everybody clocked off and went their separate ways. It tends to happen more in environments where there's a lot of employees aged 35+ in particular. You especially see it in workplaces where a lot of employees are over about 45 years old.

People accumulate more responsibilities such as children and elderly parents, so they have less time to socialise. Also, they might already have enough friends so they are less open to making any more, and less interested in meeting new people. This really is a common thing in the U.K too. I'm just pointing that out in case you think the next 20 years would be radically different for you in a U.K workplace.

I moved to a non-English speaking country 4 years ago with my ex and throughout the 4 years I've been very up and down about how I feel being away from the UK. I was also in my mid-20s when I moved.

There was a moment two years in I was adamant I was moving back to the UK and leaving my then boyfriend, but I backed out and I'm so so glad I did.

It can definitely take time to feel settled and to establish a life of your own - I think this is the most important thing when moving with a partner. Have you tried Bumble BFF or joining interest groups? I know how it can feel to be with someone who already has family/friends around and it's rubbish, but the more socialising you can do without your partner, the better this is for your own wellbeing and your relationship.

With my ex no longer in the picture, I've realised that the biggest blocker to feeling settled was the resentment I held for my ex for not wanting to live in the UK. Being here single has made me realise how much I do really like my 'new' life and actually a lot of the feelings I had were towards him and not the living situation.

I also agree that moving during covid brings a completely different set of difficulties and it's hard to experience 'normality' at the moment. Perhaps next year you might find that things will improve on the friends/socialising front as things calm down a bit (I hope!).

But my best advice would be to give it time - try it out a bit longer and if you still feel like this in 1/2 years time then perhaps it's time to assess your options. It sounds like one of you has to make sacrifices on where you want to live and if you can't get past the resentment then I would address it with couples counselling.

Just don't forget to enjoy the opportunity you have to live somewhere different and to experience a different culture/country. It can be easy to forget that what you're doing is such a cool experience that not many do...

I think I would come home if things don't pick up by this time next year

Throw yourself into life out there as much as you possibly can and see how you feel in 12 months

I had to work overseas for my job and whilst I absolutely loved the country I went to I almost kissed the ground when I got back home

I think when you move away it takes a long time, more than a year, for a new place to feel like home. I moved to Ireland from the UK - the longer you live somewhere the more you see subtle cultural differences that you don't notice at first.

I agree it's so important to meet people and build your own networks - my tip is to look for other expats, or other people that have relocated to your area, as people born and raised somewhere often have ready made circles of friends and aren't interested in branching out.

If you are going to be happy long term you need to be satisfied with your career/life - could you do a masters part time? Or look for funding/scholarships?

Remember when you were home over Christmas it was the holidays, everyone was around, happy to see you,getting together and celebrating - that's not an accurate representation of the daily grind, normal day to day.

I think it's hard to leave family and friends behind, making your own family, but that's life whether you live 10 mins or 1000 miles away.

Aw OP. Go home. You are allowed to. You are allowed to end this relationship so you can be where you need to be.

Don’t let the desires of another person rule you and cast a shadow over your happiness. Ever.

I'd give it longer. A covid year isn't long enough to really assess the country or the people.

I suggest you keep a diary; just jot something down every day . It's an excellent way to track changing feelings.

I'd lived in England Wales and France before we moved to Scotland. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't feel just as much at home in Scotland, quickly find my feet, find my tribe, etc.

Scotland in 1972 was one bloody awful culture/social shock. I could not believe the sexism, chauvinism, patronage; from my lawyer, my doctors; from men and women my age who expected married woman to be servants and me to follow a stultifying urban code of acceptable behaviours, dress, etc. Or Sunday Observance.The endless differences and alienation. We knew nobody and had no family.
It grew on me. I made very longterm friends. It became home. I learned to love many of the differences and how to manage the others.
My old stomping grounds have changed so much they no longer feel like home and my extended family in the SE of England must have been stolen by aliens, poor things.

    I am eternally grateful we stuck it out long enough to fall in love with  a country we'll never leave.   Give yourself more time.

@QueenJeanie

I think I would come home if things don't pick up by this time next year

Throw yourself into life out there as much as you possibly can and see how you feel in 12 months

I had to work overseas for my job and whilst I absolutely loved the country I went to I almost kissed the ground when I got back home

Do this. Also, DO NOT have any children or get married or buy a house in that time.

Trust how you feel.

I moved to another country for love.
Things ended and I never really did adjust here.
Then covid came and I was trapped here.

Go home where your friends and family are. You don't have to give that up.

I know how you feel. Met DH on a year abroad and then moved here permanently. For the first few years, I kept thinking of home and how I wanted to move back. How I could never properly work here as it's a different language. No one gets my humour etc. But I stuck it out and a few years later, I realised I now love it here. Do I still miss aspects back home? Yes. But there are also aspects I don't miss at all and I've learned there's good and bad in every country.

It depends if you're willing to give a few years of your life to see if it grows on you or if that's time you'd rather not waste. Sounds like you're going to have to make a decision between your fiance and trying Canada for a few more years to see if it works or that being away from the UK isn't worth that and go home now.

You could move back now and I think most people would completely understand it.

Honestly, have you really put 100% into settling in? You said people don’t initiate social contact. Have you tried doing the initiating? Someone suggested interest groups or Bumble. I’d add on any community groups - even if it’s something you’d never normally consider doing. Making connections with people will help. Also, is there anything you can do to improve your residency status and get access to credit so you can have a car? Now you’re in the country and working? As someone else has said, could you look at grants or scholarships to do your masters?

I’d suggest setting a time limit of eg 8 months and saying to yourself that from 01/01 until x date I will fully commit to living here. I’ll talk to strangers, I’ll bake for bake sales I’ll fill in dozens of applications, I’ll learn French if it ups my points score for residency (or whatever other hoops you have to jump through.) I’ll do park run (or moose hurdling or whatever), I’ll join book groups, I’ll be so busy I’ll dream of a quiet evening in the basement. If after that you still feel the same you can move back to the U.K. fitter, with mad baking skills and knowing that you gave it your all but it just didn’t work.

OP - I married someone from another country and we were always in agreement on where we would live. You simply have to agree on this and be happy with the decision and if you don't, walk away now. I know quite a few international marriages and the ones that haven't lasted are the ones where one half is unhappy living in the other half's country. FGS don't stay with him, get married and have kids if you aren't happy living with him in Canada, if he's sure that's where he wants to be. It is FAR better to walk away now than to get married, have kids and be stuck there forever. I know it seems like a heartbreaking decision, but it's nothing compared to a lifetime living somewhere you don't want to. You tried it - good for you - but if you don't like it you need to leave.

Maybe you haven't given it long enough, but on the other hand, it would be better to split up and come home before life gets more complicated. We had two such relationships in our family. One has lasted 30 years and the family has only visited the overseas partner's home country twice as they have several children and it's far too expensive. Some of the partner's family members have visited the UK regularly, others have had very little contact.

The other pair divorced and their child became resident overseas. The child's father worked hard to keep in contact which meant several long haul visits every year.

From an older perspective, I have a number of friends whose grown up children ended up living a long way off. Several subsequently returned home in their 30s, but others didn't and my friends have a mammoth journey to make to visit their grandchildren. They aren't happy with how things turned out and have considered moving themselves, though that is hard with other family ties in the UK and Europe.

It is not an easy decision, but it is your life.

@QuestionNumberOne

Aw OP. Go home. You are allowed to. You are allowed to end this relationship so you can be where you need to be.

Don’t let the desires of another person rule you and cast a shadow over your happiness. Ever.

Absolutely agree. Life is just too short for this. I lived away from home for 9 years and it never got any easier.

I think it being the middle of the pandemic hasn't helped.
You say people aren't as social and aren't going to the pub etc - do you not think that's because of COVID and Canada's stricter laws about this? I have friends who moved to Canada 5 years ago and they spent the first 3 years constantly socializing with their new friends - going to the pubs, restaurants, bars, skiing, camping - having the time of their lives. They say that unfortunately at the moment there is fuck all going on as a lot of people have retreated into their own family groups or go out just with their partners.

I moved to a Central European country from the UK 12 years ago. I'm now a citizen of the new country and have had to renounce British citizenship. I've felt like I've belonged for the beginning and it does feel like home, but the last few months have been hard and I've been "homesick" for the UK (for the first time since I came here), mainly because we have very strict COVID measures here and it's just been going on and on with no end in sight. That has meant that most people have stopped socializing at all and the majority of my "hobby" groups have met very rarely (in between lockdowns and tough measures). I'm single and I've been pretty much forgotten about. Friends have drifted away, and yeah, I feel like shit and cry a lot. This is the first time this has happened in 12 years.

I think it's possible that you would like Canada and meet lots of great friends if it wasn't for COVID. It's really unfortunate that you've arrived when that's going on because it is hard to settle in a new country at the best of times and it does take quite a while to get to know people and build a life.
Could you give it another year and see how it goes? Once COVID restrictions begin to ease a bit more you will be able to get more of a feel for what it's actually like. Join two or three hobby groups - whatever you're interested in. Then at least you have things going on during the week to look forward to (if fucking COVID measures allow).

OP you've already considered and articulated the important stuff in your post. You've got no ties and you've got your whole life ahead of you, which is a blessing.

I say this as someone who's lived and worked half my life outside the UK in a number of places. Sometimes it just doesn't feel right and that's because it's not right for you.

All the best with whatever you decide!

I moved from the UK to Ireland with Irish DH. I know it's nothing like the distance to Canada, but there are cultural differences.

In my experience you need to give it at least two years, probably a bit more in these times of Covid.