Moved abroad with DP, came home, now back here and I'm miserable

[taloola224]

I moved to Canada last year with my fiancé. Similar quality of life, not a drastic change culturally. At the time I was all for it, very happy. I loved it. Even immigration wasn't that hard, I just applied for a common law working visa. DP did everything for me, organised flights, etc... We're currently living in his parents basement, pay them rent but it's not extortionate. We do have space of our own.

I came back to the UK for a week for Christmas. And leaving was so hard.

I do love Canada, the mountains, the lakes, the views. But I miss so much.

I miss people getting my humour, I miss my family, I miss everything being so simple. I can't get a car loan, let alone a mortgage. I have no credit and I'm not a permanent resident. I find people friendlier on the face of it, like strangers- But it's not as social, everyone is more self-contained. I don't socialise after work, no one goes to the pub, no one initiates social contact. And it's not just me being 'new.' I miss the raucous, pub trips, the smell of the rain (it barely rains here) and my friends and family.

Being home was so nice. I was sleeping, chatty and happy. Now I'm back, I just feel very on edge and raw.

I'm not happy in my job here and I'd love to do a master's, but I can't afford to do it here. I'm only in my mid-20s and I know I'm not a child and I've moved out, but I just miss my family, family life and everything.

My DP doesn't like the UK though. His grandma is Scottish, so he's spent a lot of time here and is adamant he doesn't like it.

I moved of my own will and I did enjoy it. But it's not home, I don't want to spend forever there.

It feels like my only option is ending it, unless he's more flexible about living in the UK

I can see him picking up on it. He looks sad when I mention I slept fine back in the UK and when I call the UK "home." I've told him I miss home, but not to the extent.

We don't have kids, a mortgage or anything, for context

People in Canada definitely have a different social culture from the UK and it can be very hard to get used to. They are polite and friendly, but much more reserved in terms of making new friends. That was the case before covid - I assume it will be similar after.

It is easier if you live in a major urban centre like Toronto or Vancouver. If that's not the case, maybe you can convince your DP to move somewhere more lively and diverse? Then you could set a time limit on how long you're willing to give it a real go. And like PP I'd suggest not making any major life decisions during that time.

I think what's complicating this is you know you'll break up with DP. It's not as simple as not liking Canada and wanting to move back home. You said he has family there and doesn't want to return. So you know you'll be leaving Canada and him.

You still have time to meet someone else who wants to live in the same place you do. Let him go. Forgive yourself. You tried it, it turned out not to be what you wanted. Him or Canada!

I've tried- I have joined every Facebook group, social group and Bumble type app under the sun. I went away for a few weeks to "explore" alone when my partner had work commitments. I've been out, despite the pandemic. I have socialised outside of work, taken up hobbies, tried everything. But this feeling still remains and going home exacerbated it.

I think a big thing for me is seeing my sister having her first child- It's made me realise that I don't want to have kids away from my family, when I do have them. I want a future with my family involved and that's so hard from 3000 and more miles away! I didn't think about this when I moved- I was only 23. I'm so close with my family. I think about the fact that living there means I'll only see my family once a year or so, for the rest of my life. And that terrifies me.

Then it sounds like you already know what to do.

I moved to a different country a while ago and within a week I just knew it was right. Despite all the trials and tribulations that were to come, all the disadvantages of not being native, it was always 'right'.

Trust your gut, you obviously don't belong there. Move now before it gets complicated. You gave it a really good go.

That's the thing. When you're young, adventures away from home are what you want but ultimately if you have children, your family becomes more important again. I disliked living two hours from my parents when my children were young as they couldn't pop round for tea or to babysit etc or vice versa.

Sounds like you've made up your mind - I have always believed in trusting your gut feeling. Though it can't be easy if it means breaking up your relationship - unless you aren't fully committed to that?

I was all for ‘give it longer, wait and see’ until your last post OP, but I don’t think it’s Canada that’s the issue now, it’s that you don’t want to live abroad. That’s fine - there’s no shame in wanting to stay in your own country at all (hell I’ve travelled and somehow wound up raising my family 20 miles from where I grew up, something I swore in my late teens/early 20s I’d never do!). But I don’t think you want to live abroad, full stop.

Whilst you're making your mind up, make sure your contraception is bullet proof.

As someone who has been back and forth. Emigrating is difficult for everyone and there is always a heavy cost. However if you are living somewhere nice like Canada it is worth the effort.

England is like is sugar - you know it can be bad for you but it is fun and addictive.

I think a big thing for me is seeing my sister having her first child- It's made me realise that I don't want to have kids away from my family, when I do have them. I want a future with my family involved and that's so hard from 3000 and more miles away! I didn't think about this when I moved- I was only 23. I'm so close with my family. I think about the fact that living there means I'll only see my family once a year or so, for the rest of my life. And that terrifies me.

This changes everything OP. This is more serious than your original post where you talked about social life etc.
If this is how you feel about having kids away from your family then you should move back asap. If your DP does not want to do this then sadly it's over and that's a hard thing to have to face.
You've tried and it's not for you because you want a family and want to be around your own family while bringing up your children.

This is one of those instances where however much two people love each other, they’re just not compatible.

Your dp doesn’t like the uk, and wants to be in Canada near his family. You prefer the uk, and want to be there near your family. Neither of you are wrong, you just want different things. It could just be a case of this relationship sadly not being for you.

I married someone from another country and we live in a 3rd country and can’t afford to travel. It’s been 4yrs since I’ve been home and about 7 since we’ve been to his. He seems to think his little family unit is all he needs but I grew up with a massive extended family and have missed out on a lot and so are my kids. In hindsight I’d undo it all if I could.

@taloola224 having kids and being away from your family for the rest of you life is terrifying. If your siblings have more kids and as your parents get older, it gets worse. I’m in the UK, 6000km from my family and have been here for 10 years, I would move back home in a heartbeat, but I have children here. It doesn’t get easier. When I was your age, I stayed abroad; knowing what I know now, I would have never made the same decision for the reasons outlined in your second post.

Live where your heart tells you to live

Ah right. This isn't about countries, this is about your family. You can't do anything about that.

I'd say move home. It doesn't sound like you'd be happy building your future (kids etc) abroad and away from family.

I lived in Spain for 6 years. In the end I came home, since I missed my family. I'm soooo grateful I never got pregnant with my Spanish ex-boyfriend, since then I'd have been stuck in Spain forever (he would never have moved).

Now, years later, I'm back home, and love seeing my family interact with my toddlers. I loved my time abroad, but knew I didn't want to put down permanent roots there; it sounds like you're similar.

I’m currently in Canada, we came with my DH work. I’m in my 50s and although we are enjoying living somewhere different the distance of family of friends is very hard. We’ve found the same as OP, Canadians are very friendly, we have lots of random chats especially when dog walking, but it’s very hard getting to know people better and Covid really hasn’t helped.
We will make the most of being here for a few years, but I wouldn’t stay, my family and friends are just too far away and irreplaceable.
I do think having children helps to immerse you into a community, but Canada is a long way from the UK and prices of flights have really increased since we came here.

I would probably give it another year before you make any definite decisions, depending on where you are, there might be some expats to mingle with?

I’ve been in Canada nearly 10 years and have only 1 good Canadian friend, the rest are English. As other people have commented, Canadians are superficially friendly but much more reserved than the British.

I still get homesick btw, but I spend a good amount of time in England every year which helps a little.

I'm a Canadian married to a Brit and we've lived in both places. It can sometimes be really hard to be married to someone from a different country and culture, even when you agree on where to live. Honestly if it were up to me I'd advise my DDs not to marry someone from abroad. It is just easier.

Breaking up because you each want to be in a different place is completely valid. My cousin and his Scottish partner broke up for this very reason in their late 20s. It sounds like you really want to live in the UK, so you should do that.

Hi! Also from the U.K. and living in Copenhagen. I’ve been here a few years now and I’m still finding it a bit challenging despite having a partner from here.