Why do I feel so angry about being ghosted by a friend who was annoying me anyway?

[PatsArrow]

Sorry for weird title.

I'm not sure what I need from this thread but I just feel I need to get it out. Sorry if it's long.

I'm nearly 50. I've had a very close friend (gay man) in my life for over 23 years. He's about 5 years older than me.
We are in the same freelance creative industry. I have a dh and children. He doesn't have a partner (never has) or any close family, so he's always put a lot of effort into friendships.
Over the years I've seen him act in a very 'high maintenance' way with other friends. Always expected lots from them. Held them to his perceived rules of loyal friendship. I've seen him cut people off completely for very minor 'wrongs'. It always made me a bit nervous, but he always told me he couldn't function without me. I was his heart and soul etc. Yeah. Looking back - a bit too intense.
Increasingly over the past few years my friend has been using me for career advice. Often phoning me all hours of the day to moan about a work problem, moan about his agent, moan about his latest project. His worries about this and that. I've spent hours counselling him, giving advice - only for him to ignore it. In a few weeks time the same moans would start again and the whole thing carries on.
His incredibly high threshold for deeming gifts 'worthy' was beginning to grate on me too. I would worry more about his birthday or Christmas gift than anyone else. He would always decide randomly whether something was 'beautiful' enough. It could be for whatever reason and you could never guess. He would declare the gift a triumph or a 'Miss' like an emperor putting his thumb up and down. It used to make me really anxious.

In the past few years both my parents have died. My mum died very suddenly in the first lockdown. I sat up with her as she died at home. It wasn't peaceful. It was incredible distressing. Her death was shit, her funeral was rushed and tiny. I came home feeling completely numb and shocked. I could barely talk. During the week my mum was dying he phoned me twice a day every day. Every time I declined the call and texted saying I couldn't talk. The day after my mums funeral I was out for a walk (in shock) and he rang my mobile and I answered. He asked if I wanted to talk. I said that I didn't think I could speak yet. Instead of giving me time or hang up he said "oh dear. Poor you. Well, you'll never guess what's been going on with me! Work has been so stressful" and he proceeded to talk at me for a hour.....and I let him.

Now 18 months on.....from that day he's never contacted me. Only once, on his birthday he FaceTimed me (I don't FaceTime). I texted him to say sorry I missed the call and he said he'd phoned me by mistake. Nothing since then. That was in the Spring.

Now, since then I've been having counselling. My counsellor has helped me see what a weird and unbalanced friendship this was. I'm very relieved not to think about his feelings or his bloody Xmas gifts for once. However, what I can't get over is why?
WHY is he ghosting me?
As far as he's concerned I'd never expressed any annoyance with him. Why has he dumped me now?
Is it as selfish as he literally realised that my attention and emotions were elsewhere for a few months (grieving) and he's fucked off?
I feel really angry.

Honestly. I'm confused. I guess it was my turn to be cut out? Not for any reason I can think of though. Is he angry with me that my Mum died??? I'm glad he's out of my life, but honestly stunned that over 20 years of my life has been lost on such a shitty person. I almost feel like I've been gaslit and just woken up from a toxic relationship.

That's all I think. Has anyone else been through similar? I feel really numb about it all. It's definitely left me being weary of new friendships, and I always have made friends easily.

Am I being dramatic?

You weren’t your usual available self, therefore you’ve been deleted from his on call friends list maybe?

I had a friend who fell out with people with alarming regularity, I always knew one day it would be my turn. Doesn’t make it hurt any less though.

So sorry for your loss

Your friend is toxic. I'm sure he had his good points but the bad outweighed the good.

This year I slowly backed away from a very close friend who I realised is very selfish and self centred. She has her good points and i don't regret my friendship because it served a purpose. I realised this year that i shouldn't be anxious about her knowing that I was spending time with other friends. It came to a head when I realised that she is jealous of the time I spend with my boyfriend even though I have plenty of other time to spend with her.

It is a relief op. I do miss her at times and she has been there for me when I've needed her, but it isn't a healthy relationship.

I am guessing he cut you off because you weren’t meeting his needs but the thing is his needs are completely outside of the bounds of normal friendship needs. That sounds like a completely unbalanced and very one sided friendship. It is confusing though when something like that ends because you can see that it wasn’t right

Yes I’ve been through similar except not to that extreme. Friend very much life of the party but very much all about her, would constantly be cutting people off whilst I remained over many years - then eventually the tables turned on me and I saw it from the other side! Once I wasn’t able to provide the attention I was cut off.

Just have to put it down to friendship with a narcissist! It can be a lot of fun but not a long term thing. It sounds like you really are better off without him so I would just move on, don’t take it personally.

Yes, you no longer serve a purpose. He cannot dump all his shit on you anymore. He's not a nice person and I don't think the reason is any deeper than you no longer being available. He's a very selfish person.

You feel shit about it because you hoped he wouldn't treat you like this.

Some people are just fickle and move straight onto a new listening ear as soon as the last one is no longer available. I'd be surprised if the friendship was as deeply rooted for him as it was for you. We've all encountered people like this who talk about nothing but themselves. I had a similar friend and got so sick her endless misery and doom and gloom that I dropped her. To this day I still miss the nice bits of the friendship and often wonder how she is, but I wasn't unique. She had made lots of friends who all dropped her in the end for the same reason.

He sounds like a raging narcissist, you were no longer fulfilling your function as narcissistic supply, he moved on to someone who would. You’re very likely feeling that his treatment of you is unfair and unjust, and you want this to be acknowledged. The thing is, there’s no point with a narcissist. They’ll never see your point of view because to them, it’s simply irrelevant. In fact, that you could even have a point of view would be an impossible concept for most of them.

Sympathies, OP, dealing with narcissists is a head fuck.

You feel shit about it because you thought that he wouldn’t do that to you.
As long as you were nice enough, accommodating etc.

Also you let him stamp all over your boundaries to keep the peace and as soon as you served your purpose e dumped you without a backward glance.

Sorry op.

He’s not a nice man.

Thank you for all the replies. As horrible as it is, it helps to read stories of other toxic friends.

Yes, I'm just beginning to learn about narcissism. It's a bit of a revelation as I come from a fairly normal family and haven't really come across it before. Not in a way I recognise anyway.

I think I've just driven myself mad with thinking - why does he think we're not talking anymore? Has he even noticed? I have a feeling he's somehow angry with me. Then I realise I almost want him to try and tell me why so I can be angry. But then of course, he's a narcissist so I haven't even crossed his mind.

The things I used yo go out of my way to do for him, it's embarrassing. I'm glad I can see this, but his it's painful. But yes, I also feel free.

Best thing I did was phone my own agent and tell her that I never wanted to work with him again. She has made it so. It was marvellous and freeing!

You weren't available to jump when he said jump, and therefore you were no use to him. He would love to know that you are racking your brain wondering what you did wrong, and I beg you to just start being grateful you weren't stuck with him for life.

You stopped being his adoring audience. You stopped serving a purpose for him. It’s as simple as that.

I've seen him cut people off completely for very minor 'wrongs'. But I bet you rarely saw him analysing and angsting about it the way you are now 18 months later. So as for why he thinks you’re no longer talking, I’m sorry to say he probably barely gives you a second thought these days.

It’s quite bewildering being on your side of the relationship and coming out of it and then looking back. Shame, disbelief, hurt. None of it is your fault though.

I honestly think that some people just don't understand the madness of grief. Particularly that of losing a parent. We lost my mum in law, it's the anniversary next week, two years. It was horrendous. We could barely function.

I'm sorry you had this experience but really happy you sought counselling.

Sorry to hear about your mother OP and try not to give the ‘friend’ anymore headspace. Some people are givers, some takers and most are a mixture. It sounds like he’s very much a taker.

I have a friend who got divorced 6 years ago. I was there for her, listened to her say the same things about her ex over and over again, had her kids for her so she could have some time to process it all, helped her with lots of issues arising from the split. To this day, she still turns every conversation around so it’s about her, usually it’s still about her ex and how hard her life is (it’s not). I’ve suffered close family bereavements since and she barely acknowledges it. I have distanced myself although we do remain friends but it’s so much easier dealing with her in small doses rather than the toxic, suffocating relationship we used to have.

You just have that lingering feeling of, 'what was that about ?'

Been there when friendships or relationships have ended.

His response to you when your mother died is shocking to say the least. Ultimately you will think, 'well, fuck off then' as far as he's concerned.

Look up, narcissistic injury. I suspect that's what happened when your Mum died and you stopped being his source of supply. You had something more important than him for once.

I'm not surprised your response is, 'all I've done for you and you've got the bloody gall to ditch me ?' (Oh, and a word to the wise, narcissists do not explain themselves. They never will. As far as they are concerned they are above criticism and do nothing wrong. Other people's hurt feelings are not their problem, even if they are the cause.)

His attitude towards gifts is very telling. With the gifts having to be good enough, like an offering at the high altar !

No wonder you feel free now. Sorry, he sounds like an emotional leech.

I was friends with a girl for about the same length of time. Friends since college, same beliefs, shared the same issues. We were really good friends or so I thought. Our friendship unravelled over about a year. To this day I don't know why. She was getting increasingly flaky. Conversation was like pulling teeth. I think our friendship just ran it's course.

He sounds horrible. He used you for counselling/advice etc., and expected you to be there for him at all times. Then, you had a terrible time and couldn't give him what he demanded from your relationship. You weren't allowed to grieve. What about him? How dare you? So, he dismissed you. You were of no use to him.

Forget him and be grateful. He quite clearly stressed you out with his attitude/s especially with presents. Don't stress any longer. No doubt he has other people to do his bidding and be dropped when he decides.

YOU ARE FREE!

Its sad sometimes to lose a friendship, but its much harder when you :-

(a) REALISE they were jerks/difficult/impossible/even dangerous all along - but you ignored the signs and tried to think the best of them, or;

(b) you messed the friendship up yourself by drammatic behaviour.

Recently, I had a friendship I ended quietly (semi-ghosting) and feel it was the right thing to do and have no regrets in that the friendship was genuine but I had a couple of issues with them and I had to end it. It was all fairly genteel and no hard feelings and no regrets.

However, another friendship I ended because I suddenly realised a spiteful, jealous aspect of them that I could no longer ignore. It was quite hard to end and she was difficult about it - maybe I even felt a little bit scared of her. She could be charismatic but I think she was emotionally unstable and though I kept my distance, I regret letting it become a friendship that I never should have.

Narcissistic people, unstable people - they can be fun ! But these days I can't be doing with the drama and the way they mess me about and (sometimes) make me feel like rubbish. Ultimately, they're not worth it, even the fun times.

Just guessing OP, but perhaps the reason you're annoyed/upset etc is that you suspected deepdown that this person had issues which made them not-friendship material, but your good heart overlooked it, and now you feel a bit of a naieve chump, taken advantage of even.

I’ve been there too OP. I understand the hurt and confusion. What helped me was asking myself what I got from the friendship and how did I not see it for what it was?

My ex-friend would also ‘drop’ other friends for minor infringements, I realised that I’d felt I was ‘special’ and someone who really mattered to her and this was fulfilling a need for me. I believed that I was a ‘true’ friend and would be treated with kindness (even though she never showed a lot of kindness). Ex friend was funny and good company and I willfully disregarded the fact that she actually wasn’t very nice.

The whole situation made me reassess friendships - my friends are there for me in good and bad times. They are good people who treat others well. I focus on them and put the effort in for them. Anyone else is an ‘acquaintance’ and I can enjoy their company but never get emotionally involved.

How you stayed friends with someone like this for 20yrs is astonishing.

He's done you the ultimate favour

I'm so sorry about your mum OP

By the series of events - it seems that you have ghosted him (unless I am reading this wrong)?

He was the last on to call you - you haven’t called him either - so could be a stand off?

However my observation is that he doesn’t have a partner and you were fulfilling that role for him. It also sounds quite borderline/emotionally unstable with the daily demands, the splitting black / white thinking and then devaluing you.

But I wouldn’t worry about him - I am glad that your “annoying” feeling has escalated to “anger” - because that’s exactly how you should feel with they way you have been exploited for years and abandoned when you needed love and support.

Maybe you are angry with yourself for being scared and allowing the annoying things to pile up as well as feeling needed/special to him in some way.

But these are unusual and complex personally types (or disorders) which you rarely come across and are impossible to navigate - so how would you know?

You’ve been stung and dropped and that hurts. Allow yourself some self compassion after the exhausting and futile dance he led you on.

Well done for tackling this in therapy - the anger is good, and well done for taking practical steps with your agent. Concentrate on your own grief and processing the traumatic experience of losing your mother so suddenly and brutally.

You have made some space for yourself and people in your life who are radiant and mutual friends.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate these replies. It's really interesting to me, and you speak many truths.

Just guessing OP, but perhaps the reason you're annoyed/upset etc is that you suspected deepdown that this person had issues which made them not-friendship material, but your good heart overlooked it, and now you feel a bit of a naieve chump, taken advantage of even

This is very true ^ of how I feel. I feel like I've woken up and yes I feel really stupid. My husband never warned to him but tolerated him politely. Now I know why.

I'm new to the idea of narcissism so I'm going to do some reading.
My friend was very clever. At the beginning of our friendship he was super fun, funny and attentive to me. He was a delight at a party. People used to flock to him because he was funny and charming. How he used to confide in me and tell me how much I meant to him just reeled me in.
Over 23 years we've had lots of fun, great laughs....but in reflection it was always doing something he wanted to do, how he wanted to behave, how he wanted to spend money on. Even on my birthday we did things he wanted to do, but he convinced me I wanted them. It was a slow slow burn.....drip drip of attention and 'good times' mixed in with "I'm so misunderstood and depressed"
In the last 8 years or so it's been more of the "woe is me" than the fun but by then I couldn't see it for what it was.

I've just remembered on his 50th birthday he had a massive go at me. For what? Because I hadn't booked him a surprise holiday to New York. Apparently any true friend would have known that's what he wanted and would have fine it gladly. Honestly. I even apologised for him having a shit birthday. God how pathetic of me.

As for me ghosting him, yes I suppose I have. However I was grieving and not really concentrating. After a few weeks of him not phoning the realisation came over me that I was enjoying not speaking to him. The fact that he's never rung me though is very telling. He used to ring every other day with a crisis.

So yes I'm FREE. I'm glad, but left angry. With myself more than anything.

I totally understand how you feel and like others have said you are most definitely better off without so called “friend”. Extremely selfish behaviour from him over the years, and was his support for you when you lost your Mum? It appears non existent.
I had a so called “friend” use me too for a couple of years when they were new to the area. I did so much for her, then she started making it difficult to see her, she was always busy, couldn’t fit me in for a coffee, always had an excuse. It took me a while to see what was going on, that she was trying to dump me because she had made other friends and I was no longer required. It really hurt being used like that, I have no idea what I did wrong, I suspect nothing, I just wasn’t as popular as who she is hanging round with now. This all feels like stuff that happens when you’re a child, and yet we are grown women/men. Ridiculous to treat people that way.

Anyway, it’s their loss. I wish you all the best. I’m sorry you lost your Mum, mine passed away many years ago and you never stop missing them, you just learn to live with the loss. Hugs X

He sounds toxic. Be happy in the realisation that you don't have him in your life. He acted appalling on the phone when your mum died.
Sod him, instead of being upset and angry, try and put that energy into spending time with decent friends/ family. X