Sorry for weird title.
I'm not sure what I need from this thread but I just feel I need to get it out. Sorry if it's long.
I'm nearly 50. I've had a very close friend (gay man) in my life for over 23 years. He's about 5 years older than me.
We are in the same freelance creative industry. I have a dh and children. He doesn't have a partner (never has) or any close family, so he's always put a lot of effort into friendships.
Over the years I've seen him act in a very 'high maintenance' way with other friends. Always expected lots from them. Held them to his perceived rules of loyal friendship. I've seen him cut people off completely for very minor 'wrongs'. It always made me a bit nervous, but he always told me he couldn't function without me. I was his heart and soul etc. Yeah. Looking back - a bit too intense.
Increasingly over the past few years my friend has been using me for career advice. Often phoning me all hours of the day to moan about a work problem, moan about his agent, moan about his latest project. His worries about this and that. I've spent hours counselling him, giving advice - only for him to ignore it. In a few weeks time the same moans would start again and the whole thing carries on.
His incredibly high threshold for deeming gifts 'worthy' was beginning to grate on me too. I would worry more about his birthday or Christmas gift than anyone else. He would always decide randomly whether something was 'beautiful' enough. It could be for whatever reason and you could never guess. He would declare the gift a triumph or a 'Miss' like an emperor putting his thumb up and down. It used to make me really anxious.
In the past few years both my parents have died. My mum died very suddenly in the first lockdown. I sat up with her as she died at home. It wasn't peaceful. It was incredible distressing. Her death was shit, her funeral was rushed and tiny. I came home feeling completely numb and shocked. I could barely talk. During the week my mum was dying he phoned me twice a day every day. Every time I declined the call and texted saying I couldn't talk. The day after my mums funeral I was out for a walk (in shock) and he rang my mobile and I answered. He asked if I wanted to talk. I said that I didn't think I could speak yet. Instead of giving me time or hang up he said "oh dear. Poor you. Well, you'll never guess what's been going on with me! Work has been so stressful" and he proceeded to talk at me for a hour.....and I let him.
Now 18 months on.....from that day he's never contacted me. Only once, on his birthday he FaceTimed me (I don't FaceTime). I texted him to say sorry I missed the call and he said he'd phoned me by mistake. Nothing since then. That was in the Spring.
Now, since then I've been having counselling. My counsellor has helped me see what a weird and unbalanced friendship this was. I'm very relieved not to think about his feelings or his bloody Xmas gifts for once. However, what I can't get over is why?
WHY is he ghosting me?
As far as he's concerned I'd never expressed any annoyance with him. Why has he dumped me now?
Is it as selfish as he literally realised that my attention and emotions were elsewhere for a few months (grieving) and he's fucked off?
I feel really angry.
Honestly. I'm confused. I guess it was my turn to be cut out? Not for any reason I can think of though. Is he angry with me that my Mum died??? I'm glad he's out of my life, but honestly stunned that over 20 years of my life has been lost on such a shitty person. I almost feel like I've been gaslit and just woken up from a toxic relationship.
That's all I think. Has anyone else been through similar? I feel really numb about it all. It's definitely left me being weary of new friendships, and I always have made friends easily.
Am I being dramatic?