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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant, splitting up, might need to abort, I'm so upset

38 replies

Tornapartmum · 29/12/2021 13:15

My dp and me haven't been great for a couple of years, we already have a three year old, we've nearly split up multiple times but to be honest things weren't unbearable and neither of us wanted to lose our child half of the time so we've kind of plodded on. I know we're going to split up eventually but I guess I thought it'll be a few years down the line. We got pregnant again, which I realise now was hugely irresponsible. I'm around 6 weeks. We had a huge argument, unrelated, and to be honest it just made me realise what am I doing. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't even like me, who thinks so low of me, so he said piss off then, leave. I said I can't afford another baby on my own so I won't be able to go ahead with it and he turned on me again calling me a killer, a murderer and I feel so upset. I've sat in the car and cried for hours. How am I meant to decide if I keep this baby. If I stay or go. I don't know what move to make I just feel totally broken

OP posts:

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 13:20

OP,

This is a time to be practical.
Bringing another child intobsuch an unhappy, volatile situation is madness.

Terminate the pregnancy and reach out for support to leave with your 3 year old.

I feel very sorry for you but unfortunately being practical is important when your options are so limited.

Do you work?

Original poster

Tornapartmum · 29/12/2021 13:23

I think that's what I need to do, too. My heart just feels broken this baby is so wanted and I so want my three year old to have a little brother or sister, mine are my rocks, but it just doesn't feel right to bring them into this.

I have a decent job, part time and flexible around kids but I only earn around £1k a month now I'm part time. I don't have savings though, and I share dps car and house but they are in his name. I called the wedding off as things were so uncertain, so I don't have much protection.

I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:

SSCCLL · 29/12/2021 13:27

You’re not an idiot. These types of situations are difficult and there’s not one right answer. You need to do what you feel is best for you and your 3yo and know that is why you’re making the decision. Sending love

Yacarita · 29/12/2021 13:29

Oh God OP please do not abort a much wanted baby!! You would surely regret it for the rest of your life. Your partner sounds horrible but don't let him take your baby away from you. I know how hopeless and devastating everything can look during a horrible argument like this Still I am sure that things will also look different again (whether with your partner or separated but with a new sense of hope for your baby) and you will be glad that you kept your baby.

PeaceONoeuf · 29/12/2021 13:32

Not everyone regrets a termination, the op should make the right decision for her. I think it would be madness to have a baby now with no relationship, limited finances and a need ti get stable again. Not to say you shouldn’t, but you also don’t have to stay pregnant if you don’t want to.

Aworldofmyown · 29/12/2021 13:39

You have a little time to decide what to do with the baby. But first of all make arrangements to split, do you own a house together?

GrazingSheep · 29/12/2021 13:42

do you own a house together?

No. She says it’s his house and car.

pollyparrot45 · 29/12/2021 13:43

If you want this baby then you can do it & you don't have to stay with him.

If you don't want to do it alone then that's okay too.

Decide what you want to do first & then you can make practical plans.

The truth is that you will survive without him, whether that's with 1 or 2 children. You can and will be happy again.

Do you have any real life support you can draw upon at the moment whilst you clear your mind.

Take a deep breath, you have time to think about this.

Sending Love &

GrazingSheep · 29/12/2021 13:45

You need to start looking for somewhere to rent on your own. Would you be able to increase your work hours? You may also be eligible for benefits. And don’t forget to include child maintenance.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/12/2021 13:48

If you want to continue with the pregnancy, continue. You would be eligible for support with housing and would receive benefits that would make it possible to have a reasonable standard of living, plus maintenance. You absolutely do not have to terminate because of financial reasons.

However, if you do not want to have another child with this man (and I can see how you could be reluctant to tie yourself to him for another three years on top of the ones you will have as a result of your existing DC when he's prepared to throw you out and then starts dictating what you do with your own body), then make the appointment so you have the choice - you do not have to continue to termination if you ultimately decide against it.

dumplings1 · 29/12/2021 13:48

It's a difficult situation, only you know what you can cope with. Think which solution brings you most relief to move on.

Dery · 29/12/2021 13:52

@SSCCLL and @PeaceONoeuf have nailed it. There is no one right answer in this situation. You don't have to stay pregnant if you don't want to but you also don't have to abort.

If your partner is abusive, then you may well only want one shared child with him. You only have to see the threads on here about trying to co-parent with an abusive ex to see how hellish that scenario can be (although better than staying with an abusive partner). On that basis, it would make very good sense to limit the number of shared children you have with this man.

If, however, it is your relationship which is dysfunctional rather than anything inherently toxic in him, then perhaps having another shared child would not be so problematic, though obviously you would be starting from a position that you're separated which would mean that you would be having to do more to look after your baby in the early months than would hopefully be the case if you were still in a shared household. And of course he may turn out to be hopeless at co-parenting, in which case you'll be a single mother to two children rather than one.

I think you would be entitled to child maintenance from him (for your current child as well as any future children with him) - you should look into that - and there may be other benefits which you're entitled to as a single mother.

This is such a difficult situation to be in, OP, but whether you decide to abort or maintain the pregnancy - both decision will have consequences and both are potentially correct decisions. You will be right whichever you decide to do.

Momijin · 29/12/2021 13:53

Having another child, going through pregnancy, birth, baby and toddler times will set you back many years. It will be so much easier to get your life back independently without a baby.

Dery · 29/12/2021 13:53

Missed several posts - @pollyparrot45 has said what I wanted to say much better than I did.

Original poster

Tornapartmum · 29/12/2021 14:38

It would make it a lot harder, at the end of the day I'm 27, I've got a decent job with progression opportunities and I'm doing a part time degree through work, my three year old is happy and settled and has two parents that love him dearly.

Leaving is going to be difficult enough with that, my job, my degree. I just don't see how I will manage with two kids. I've worked hard to start building my future and I feel like in one fell swoop I could totally destroy it.

My partner is a good dad, I just think a young child, a worldwide pandemic, work, study etc has just been a lot of stress. I think we've handled it badly and there's become this level of volatility between us, that when we argue over something minor it all comes out and is quite toxic. It's just the things he said, he must mean that deep down, and if that's the case I don't want to be with him. I'm not perfect but I'm a good person and I want to be with someone who loves me. It almost feels like too much has been said to keep ticking along as I'd planned.

Being a single mum of 2 at 27 just isn't the life I envisioned for myself. I really feel like I don't have much choice. It is just hard because my child is more important to me than anything, I had made my peace with staying until he was older, until I'd got myself further with my studies, my career, my savings. If me and dp were getting on, parenting well together and staying together for however many more years I felt like I could justify another. I now just feel like the most selfish person ever.

OP posts:

Dery · 29/12/2021 15:09

Being selfish is given a bad rap but when it comes to major life-changing decisions which will impact more on you than anyone else (and having a second baby will inevitably impact more on you than on anyone else), it is appropriate to be selfish about them.

That said, it isn't necessarily the case that your partner means things spoken in anger any more than you do. You say you've both managed stress badly and the early years of parenthood are hugely stressful even for good, strong relationships but the fact that you've been on the cusp of splitting for years does strongly suggest that this relationship is over. Bringing a second child into the relationship would only increase the stress for the next few years so things would likely get even worse. Your partner won't like it - and he doesn't have to like it - but you've clearly thought this through carefully and concluded that having an abortion would be the wisest decision in the long run.

Whilst nothing can be taken for granted, your age is certainly in your favour in terms of the likelihood of being able to have further children in the future if that is what you would like to do.

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 15:35

OP,

You are NOT being selfish.

You are trying to be realistic and practical.

You and your child are living in a volatile situation.

Your priority is the 3 year old you have, and providing him with a secure upbringing.

You are doing all you can with work and studies to build a secure, stable future for you both.

It is NOT selfish to be practical.

Notamaidenname · 29/12/2021 15:44

Just to go against the grain here
Could you get couples therapy? Do you want to be together and to work it out?
You say it’s just difficult times - could these be worked through?

If not, and you’re not happy just leave, whilst your child is too young to think it could be their fault, or to have to grow up where the relationship modelled to them isn’t one of love.

It does sound like one child would be easier for you to get back on your feet and if that means you can be happier healthier and more secure for your 3 year old that’s absolutely not a selfish decision to make.
Don’t look for our permission op, do what your gut says is right for you and your DS

rarge · 29/12/2021 15:47

You want to abort mostly because of finances? You really need to look into what support is available. Childcare subsidies, grandparents, your work.

If you're on a low income, youll get UC, especially if you're partner leaves and you're below the threshold

rarge · 29/12/2021 15:49

Leaving is going to be difficult enough with that, my job, my degree

Really look at what they offer, maybe a crèche, grants. Uni will allow you defer or even continue if you want

I totally get it's a difficult situation as you'll be a single parent. If the help isn't there, do what's best for you and your DC

SunflowerTed · 29/12/2021 16:40

@PeaceONoeuf

Agree with you

BackBackBack · 29/12/2021 16:50

OP if you don't want the pregnancy - for whatever reason - then my advice would be to terminate. I would tell him you had a miscarriage. If you terminate early then it should be pills at home so he won't know anyway.

It is not selfish to be practical and to want to prioritise your existing child's security when your financial position is precarious.

GrandmasCat · 29/12/2021 16:56

Ok, First of all, before you take any decision, go to entitledto.co.uk and calculate your entitlement to universal credit if you split. If you work enough hours, even part time, you may get extra support to cover nursery costs or afterschool clubs further down the line.

Don’t go ahead with a termination unless you know it is absolutely right for you, you cannot decide if it is while you are so affected by the arguments so, step back, take things easy for a few days and once you feel calmer decide what to do with a level head.

Society programs us to think raising children alone is a catastrophe, but honestly, it is much easier to raise happy children alone than raising them in such a toxic environment with a partner tripping you down all the time.

Splitting up is not a failure, it takes more guts to leave than to stay. If your relationship has been like this for a year, it might be a good idea to start organising your stuff in preparation for a better exit: calculate your expenses, entitlement to additional help, draw out a plan on how you will get you and DC through this, save, increase your hours at work, etc. so… if saving the marriage doesn’t work, you can start your new life with the right foot when you are ready.

WhatScratch · 29/12/2021 17:16

There isn’t a wrong or a right answer. You’re the one who has to figure out what’s the best option for you right now. Yes, you’d be entitled to more support as a mother living on her own. On the other hand, you have a child who is already entitled to free nursery hours and will start school in the next year or so giving you some free childcare so you can work. What would you do about childcare and working if you had another child?

In an ideal world you’d continue with the pregnancy but all you can do is try to look at how things would be for you and your 3 year old if you have another child. Where would you live? Would you have enough money? Do you have any family support? You’re in your 20s and still have more fertile years ahead of you. You have to make a decision you can live with.

From what I’ve read on another thread recently, there may be a bit of a wait between you contacting BPAS and the date you’re given for an appointment. You’re still well within the window for a medical abortion (tablets) at the moment. If you think that this is something you may need to do, calling now would give you an idea of how long the waiting time might be (so you don’t run over the cut off for a medical procedure) and might help you make your choice one way or another.

Whatever you choose, be kind to yourself. You’re trying to do the best thing in a difficult situation

JovialNickname · 29/12/2021 17:30

Just a note - don't let his horrible emotive language "killer" "murderer" or whatever have any bearing on your decision. This is just him trying to hurt and bully you. Make your decision calmly based on the reality of the situation, not on a cruel guilt trip.

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