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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thoughts please

27 replies

Mickymackyboobahboo · 29/12/2021 12:08

Advice needed, been together 8 years have 6 and 2.5 year old. DP can have moments of anger, first time was when I was pregnant with first child,braked hard and said he hoped he hurt the baby as he hates me so much.
There are instances I suppose similar throughout, breaking things, thrown things on a couple of occasions at me. Gets in my face pressed against me. Said really nasty things sometimes. But he isn’t always like this just on occasions. In them instances I know it’s not right and hate it and am so upset but then after when he apologises ect I think ok it’s ok again now and it’s kind of just brushed under the carpet. We watched something recently and I had a realisation that maybe he is abusive. I said this about 3 months ago that I’m not happy and I’ve just realised that it’s not really right said I don’t want to be together and it’s been a complete emotional rollercoaster really, he’s been annoyed, he’s been crying, apologetic said it will never happen again. Been to a counsellor to discuss his emotions. And I just feel so confused, I feel like how can you just change suddenly. He’s been really helpful in the house normally never lifts a finger ever ever ever, literally. He said he didn’t realise it made me feel so bad and he was just frustrated and stressed but I just am confused. I probably have missed things out but if I wrote everything it would be a whole page long! Thanks

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 29/12/2021 12:27

You seem to have realised that his actions are totally inexcusable and you can't 'unsee' that.

While I don't believe people are incapable of change, I don't think such a massive 'change' can be achieved in just 3 months Hmm.

I'd be leaning towards talking to him and making it very clear that you will never tolerate anything like that in the future, and that if he wants your marriage to work, then he has to be prepared to work at it, every single bloody day.

Make it 100% clear, that the next time he's 'stressed' or 'angry', if you feel even a tiny bit 'threatened', or he says any 'nasty' things, that the marriage will be finished, and that NO amount of 'apologies' or 'regrets' from him would even be listened to !

Tell him that this is his one opportunity to change forever.

And mean it !

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 12:28

What a horror, wanting your baby dead.

Not normal behaviour.

You are in a highly abusive relationship as are your poor children.

Move forward with getting away.

He knows only too well thatvhis behaviour is wrong.

The damage to your children is just shocking.

Anxiety and mental health issues are rampant in people reared in a home like yours.

Your children deserve better than this nasty pig.

Get away from him and give your children a peaceful home.

Women's aid are a great source of advice and support.
Ring them.
Flowers

me4real · 29/12/2021 12:38

Very abusive. Please separate from him ASAP. x

Original poster
Mickymackyboobahboo · 29/12/2021 18:44

Ok, I think it is confusing because it’s not constant it’s every now and then x

OP posts:
user15364596354862 · 29/12/2021 18:47

Abuse is not ever constant. It is a cycle between niceness and cruelty designed to keep control of you. Abuse is about power and control not the incidents.

I think you would find the Freedom Programme helpful, but the priority should be exiting the relationship.

user15364596354862 · 29/12/2021 18:49
Elieza · 29/12/2021 18:49

That’s how these abusers work. They make you hang in there for the good days. And it seems worth it.

It’s not.

You deserve better and so do your children. If you had a daughter and she watched the behaviour and told you her boyfriend treats her like that what would you say? You’d tell her to dump him and get someone better.

You’ve seen now that he can control himself and be nice when he needs to. So why didn’t he do that before? Because he CHOSE not to.

Leave him. He will sook up to you and be all nice. For a while. But the nastyness will start again. He won’t be able to keep up being nice. He will get complacent. He will snap at you ir make a snide remark and will do it again and before you know it things are like before.

Get out now while you can. Seek help from womens aid if necessary. There is good advice on their website.

Original poster
Mickymackyboobahboo · 29/12/2021 20:29

When I kind of realised and I said I think your emotional abusive he said he’s not and everyone says things they don’t mean in arguments. And I’m delusional if I think people aren’t like that? I sound really stupid but I’m really not. It just seems like I’ve come into this realisation and I don’t know how to go about it now.

OP posts:
Elieza · 29/12/2021 20:55

Some people do indeed say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment.

But that’s not what this is about, is it. It’s more about him losing it during arguments and scaring you. Shouting that he hates you. I mean, what the fuck! That’s not normal and it’s not acceptable. He’s now gaslighting (ie pretending something isn’t happening when it is) in the hope that you will go ‘oh, that’s ok then’ and everything will be fine.

Until the next time when he gets a fit of rage and takes it out on you….

He has to admit to himself that his behaviour is bad before he can fix it. He’s not done that. He’s telling himself his behaviour is fine. That you’re over reacting. Trying to make it about your issues. Not him being unable to control his temper and needing anger management.

I still say consider your options. Sometimes being apart is safer for all concerned.

me4real · 29/12/2021 22:42

When I kind of realised and I said I think your emotional abusive he said he’s not

@Mickymackyboobahboo I don't think many abusive people admit to being abusive.

SecretRedhead · 29/12/2021 23:04

Abusive relationships are never shit 100% of the time. They sprinkle in good times, to keep us hoping it can always be like that. Those good times get fewer and further between though, because its SO hard to keep up the "nice person" act when their actually selfish abusive arseholes. It's just not worth waiting around for it to "get better" or "go back to the good days". It really isn't worth it.

SecretRedhead · 29/12/2021 23:23

@Mickymackyboobahboo about 12 years ago, an incredibly wise person posted this thread.

I read it while I was in an abusive relationship, and read it again with new eye once I had finally left (after 9 years). I go back to the thread sometimes and read the OP again, when I need to remind myself of its message. It is always worth a read.

Original poster
Mickymackyboobahboo · 30/12/2021 20:05

Thank you for your replies xx

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 30/12/2021 20:10

But physical abuse isn't constant. Or you'd be dead.

No wife abuser is violent every day.

No good man is ever violent.

You need to reframe your thinking.

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 21:13

What he thinks of his behaviour is completely irrelevant. Stop listening to his version of what's happening, and start listening to your own version. Take heed of your feelings. Think about how it makes you feel when he's horrible to you. Ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel like that, and then makes excuses.

You don't: nobody does. Anything apart from that simple fact is smoke and mirrors, and that's what abuse victims do. They don't face up to the facts of their feelings, and that their feelings will continue to be hurt if they keep spending their time with someone who hurts them.

The abuse is his fault, but fixing the situation isn't going to be something he does. The only way to fix it is to get away from him, and you have to take responsibility for that. Take responsibility for getting yourself into a situation where your happiness and safety aren't threatened. Whilst you make excuses for him, you are avoiding that responsibility, but looking after your own welfare is the most important job you'll ever do.

Original poster
Mickymackyboobahboo · 31/12/2021 13:05

I think sometimes I think is it that bad because it’s more verbal, will I make a big mistake and think omg am I doing the right thing and look back and think it wasn’t that bad because it’s intermittent. It’s such a scary thought being alone, because of fear of the unknown I suppose and money x

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 13:08

Being alone isn't very hard or scary.

You are alone a lot of the time. When you go out to work, when you sleep, when you make a cup of tea...in fact most of the time you are alone.

Genuine question: what scares you about being alone? You mention finance for one, but what else?

Colourmeclear · 31/12/2021 19:42

What does your gut tell you? What does your body feel?

My ex was horribly emotional abusive, he still made me a fancy coffee everyday. I thought that was enough to show he loved me. When all you have is crumbs you change your mindset to see them as much larger than they are. The temporary absence of abuse is not love, it's a threat.

mailpal · 31/12/2021 19:47

Sorry to hear your experiencing this.. I did too with my current husband many years ago when we were growing up, major red flags I probably should have left but was too naïve to understand what was going on, I thought it was normal arguments/tension..

Not normal..

He has committed to changing himself / as have I..

It's usually a lack of self worth and esteem that lets them get away with it or even try it in the first place..

Be firm, confident in yourself and your boundaries- tell him he needs help/therapist if he wants to continue.. have your boundaries be very strong/firm..

Do not tolerate any more abusive shit from him, no matter how often he is 'good' this is not acceptable..

Also be prepared to leave if he doesn't change.. I waited a long time, too long but he has changed for the better..

I'm now working on improving myself outside of our relationship.. a definite must!!

dramalessllama · 31/12/2021 20:03

The intermittency of his verbal abuse is designed to keep you hanging on for the next wave of "he's been so nice." It's an addiction - waiting out the bad for the next high.

I guarantee his sudden change in behavior is all an act because he wants to "prove" to his therapist that he's seen the light and is a changed man. He's hoping the therapist will proclaim him to be changed so he can weaponize it against you, once he reverts back to his abusive ways, and you call him out as being abusive again. He'll now have ammunition to debunk your gut feelings and cause you to question yourself yet again (gaslighting).

Anyone who says, "No, I'm not," when you tell him you feel like he's being abusive doesn't care about you or your feelings. It's all about him and how he views himself.

Original poster
Mickymackyboobahboo · 31/12/2021 21:41

I think maybe it’s being alone financially the main reason really because I’m pretty much completely dependent. So that’s probably the reason.
It’s so hard and I think when you think about the times that you’ve had that have been not nice and how awful it’s been in that moment, you then forget when it’s all ok and calm again. But then I think do I want to be in this forever where there could be a situation where it isn’t nice, especially when you’ve got children and then like I’ve read they grow up to think it’s normal. Which I don’t want x

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 21:58

Life shouldn't be patches of ok and patches of awful.

Have you done some sums?

There are benefits, maintenance from the father....could you work part time at all?

We are lucky to live in a country where there is a safety net of benefits.

Do you know what you would be entitled to?

If you start getting some facts, those facts can help quieten the voice of fear.

Elieza · 01/01/2022 11:16

What can you do to increase your own income?

One if your children is at school and the other is two and a half. Does that you get one go to playgroup or anything on a regular basis which could theoretically let you out to work part time, or are you expected to remain at home caring for him/her every day?

What’s your family situation? Would you parents help you to get away from him?

IamGusFring · 01/01/2022 11:29

DP can have moments of anger, first time was when I was pregnant with first child,braked hard and said he hoped he hurt the baby as he hates me so much

This man is a prick ! You have to leave him . He is dangerous .

user15364596354862 · 01/01/2022 20:17

It’s so hard and I think when you think about the times that you’ve had that have been not nice and how awful it’s been in that moment, you then forget when it’s all ok and calm again.

You are basically describing the cycle of abuse and how it keeps people trapped. Always hoping that this time they'll be able to be perfect enough to avoid another horrible incident...

Your financial situation can be changed - not overnight of course, but it can be changed. If you break the problem down into smaller chunks it may be easier to problem solve.