I’m so confused. I’m divorced long time ago and not dated as kids were small but I’ve been with my DP just over 2 yrs. He moved in a year ago just after Xmas and it was all lovely. But I think I’m going mad. I’ve gone from feeling totally in control of my life to doubting myself. I work, I pay my mortgage and bills and I wouldn’t say I was stupid. Every time we argue it escalated into him saying it’s over and he is leaving. Followed by him making up and staying. (Kids never witness anything by the way, always when they aren’t here). Recently he has even gone as far as going to stay at a mates for a night or two. I honestly can even recall the reason for the argument but it’s generally because I’ve said or done the wrong thing in some way. Texted my ex too much about the kids, gone out with mates Snd not come home early enough. I used to have a large circle of friends and we’d meet up regularly but I’ve stopped going out, even with covid allowing. I dread any invite and mentioning it to my DP as the comments are generally things like oh going out again oh I hardly see you anymore. I am always the one that makes up and reaches out the olive branch as he can literally sulk for days. I can’t stand being emotionally shut out, I feel abandoned. I don’t know if all the lockdowns made it all worse as obviously stopped seeing people then. I never invite friends over either unless there is a special birthday I can use as a reason maybe. I always feel the fights are my fault, the few times I have fought back and stood my ground he comes back with comments like I don’t like you or criticises me for being bossy or boring or says I’m never here, I hardly go out at all now. If anyone come to do any work in the house he accuses me of flirting with them. I had to find a female tutor for my daughter as when I mentioned there was also a male one he kept asking if they were texting me and how often and did I enjoy the attention. It was degrading.
And I don’t even understand why because I’ve never given him reason to ever doubt my fidelity. And lastly and this is what I am really upset about is that after the rows we have make up sex and I think this is almost the reason why he picks on me… but the last row I didn’t want to have make up sex, I tried to avoid it by turning away etc but he persisted and carried on. I didn’t say no. But my body was saying no snd I feel so fucking useless that I was so weak. And I feel confused and I have literally no one I can tell or talk to. Even when he’s being nasty to me I’m still there saying do you want lunch? Like an idiot. I asked him for a cup of tea and he handed it to me and said I have just spat in that, I’ve never been treated like this. But the kids are attached and I feel like a failure. I don’t really know what I’m
Saying except I had to write this down