Am I being gaslighted?

[Happyfaceemoji]

I’m so confused. I’m divorced long time ago and not dated as kids were small but I’ve been with my DP just over 2 yrs. He moved in a year ago just after Xmas and it was all lovely. But I think I’m going mad. I’ve gone from feeling totally in control of my life to doubting myself. I work, I pay my mortgage and bills and I wouldn’t say I was stupid. Every time we argue it escalated into him saying it’s over and he is leaving. Followed by him making up and staying. (Kids never witness anything by the way, always when they aren’t here). Recently he has even gone as far as going to stay at a mates for a night or two. I honestly can even recall the reason for the argument but it’s generally because I’ve said or done the wrong thing in some way. Texted my ex too much about the kids, gone out with mates Snd not come home early enough. I used to have a large circle of friends and we’d meet up regularly but I’ve stopped going out, even with covid allowing. I dread any invite and mentioning it to my DP as the comments are generally things like oh going out again oh I hardly see you anymore. I am always the one that makes up and reaches out the olive branch as he can literally sulk for days. I can’t stand being emotionally shut out, I feel abandoned. I don’t know if all the lockdowns made it all worse as obviously stopped seeing people then. I never invite friends over either unless there is a special birthday I can use as a reason maybe. I always feel the fights are my fault, the few times I have fought back and stood my ground he comes back with comments like I don’t like you or criticises me for being bossy or boring or says I’m never here, I hardly go out at all now. If anyone come to do any work in the house he accuses me of flirting with them. I had to find a female tutor for my daughter as when I mentioned there was also a male one he kept asking if they were texting me and how often and did I enjoy the attention. It was degrading.
And I don’t even understand why because I’ve never given him reason to ever doubt my fidelity. And lastly and this is what I am really upset about is that after the rows we have make up sex and I think this is almost the reason why he picks on me… but the last row I didn’t want to have make up sex, I tried to avoid it by turning away etc but he persisted and carried on. I didn’t say no. But my body was saying no snd I feel so fucking useless that I was so weak. And I feel confused and I have literally no one I can tell or talk to. Even when he’s being nasty to me I’m still there saying do you want lunch? Like an idiot. I asked him for a cup of tea and he handed it to me and said I have just spat in that, I’ve never been treated like this. But the kids are attached and I feel like a failure. I don’t really know what I’m
Saying except I had to write this down

OP - send this thread to your friends.
Change the locks.
Throw his stuff out for him to collect
Get him out.
Get the police if needs be.
I agree with your assessment of him arguing with you in order to have sex his way (make up sex).
Get help from women’s aid.
Get him out

“OP - send this thread to your friends.
Change the locks.
Throw his stuff out for him to collect
Get him out.
Get the police if needs be.
I agree with your assessment of him arguing with you in order to have sex his way (make up sex).
Get help from women’s aid.
Get him out”

Terrific advice. You’re in a horribly abusive relationship. You’re not overreacting to his abuse - if anything you’re under-reacting which has been your coping mechanism. It’s great that you’ve seen this horror for what it is. Deep down men like this hate women. He doesn’t see you as fully human. He sees you as his possession. This is learnt behaviour. He probably grew up watching his father treat his mother appallingly. Don’t give him the chance to teach this to your children. As for his respectable public face - that means nothing. It’s common for abusers to cultivate a very different public image.

You will likely need therapy to recover from the trauma of this particularly since you will have learnt to see yourself through his lens. He will likely make it difficult for you to end things so get as much RL support as you can. Please get out as soon as possible - this man is destroying you emotionally and psychologically and he may soon start on you physically.

His attempts to reel you back in with protestations of love can be roughly translated as, "Shit, she may have just rumbled me when I gobbed in her tea and if she chucks me out I lose my free accommodation and sex AND I then have to spend time and effort finding a new victim to headfuck. Much easier to lovebomb this one into keeping it going."

OP you are not alone: plenty of smart, successful women fall prey to fuckers like this. There will be something during the course of your younger years that has left you vulnerable to this kind of exploitation. And abusers are very good at detecting and seeking out suitable victims.

Please don't kid yourself that just because the shit doesn't erupt in the presence of your kids, that they don't know that there is something going on. You are feeling upset, conflicted, confused, broken and uncomprehending of what the hell is going on with this man, his treatment of you and your reaction to it. These chaotic feelings are taking up all your emotional energy, leaving you feeling broken and depleted. Your kids will most definitely feel this even if they can't name it.

I don't know if you feel strong enough to change the locks and just chuck him out or whether you worry about giving him time to sort himself out with somewhere else to live. You could contact the police to report the coercive control so that if he kicks off when you throw him out, you can call them and they will have you prioritised in their system. Doing this will provide the back up and support you need in order for you to feel strong enough to get this piece of scum out of your house and life.

Has cocklodger gone yet?

Hope you're ok OP?

You're making the mistake of thinking there is something more important than your feelings. There isn't. There's no external set of rules to say how sensitive you should be, so you can't be over sensitive. There's no right or wrong. All you can be is you, and if a relationship with somebody makes you feel that perhaps that's wrong, then the relationship is wrong.

Respect your feelings. Don't try to change them, ever. They are signposts. They will direct you to what you want (ie to be happy/content) which is, after all, only a feeling in itself. If someone makes you miserable, there's no need to focus on what name to give to the way in which they make you feel miserable. There's no need to judge whether you are right or wrong to feel miserable. The fact is that even if there were a set of rules that said that his behaviour shouldn't make you feel miserable, you still would, because you are who you are, and you have your emotional responses in your own way, and nobody, not even you, can control those. You can only control your reactions. And if you have a very dramatic emotional response to someone, you can still calmly say 'I don't like this, so I'm putting some distance between us.' And that's all you ever have to do, to have good boundaries.

If you think it's you going a bit mad, have a think about how many people make you feel like this. It's usually very easy to identify the toxin. If it was you, you'd feel this way in all arenas of life, and respond in this way to lots of people. But I'd bet my piano that it's only him who makes you feel this way. Isn't it?

There's a reason for this, and it's not your fault. It'll trace back to your childhood.

@TheFoundation what fantastic advice, so eloquently put

And abusers are very good at detecting and seeking out suitable victims

No, they're not. They try it on everybody, and stay where they're put up with. They don't have some special power to 'seek out the vulnerable'. They do what every healthy person does, and find a position that makes them happy. The only different is that they remove the moral rectitude.

Don't credit abusers with special powers. All they do is look for what they want, and hang onto it when they get it. Their strength isn't in hunting out victims; it's in not caring about hurting people. Only people who dismiss their own hurt can be victims. Everyone else that abusers try to find happiness with will walk away as soon as the hurt starts. No questions. 'It hurts, I'm leaving.' No questioning about why it hurts, or what the specific cause of the hurt is.

He sounds horrible. You haven't lost yourself. The reason you see there is a problem is because strong you is still in there fighting. You are going to have to let her out a little.
I've seen someone in my family radically changed by domestic violence. So much so that even after he died she has never recovered. I've come to terms with that now and help the person she is now. Don't let that be you. Possibly your children aren't around much because they pick up on him being nasty. Or he is nasty to them but they think you are happy and don't want to upset you.
Kick him out, change the locks and never let him back in.

Oh, sweetie, this 'man' is a controlling, gaslighting, emotionally abusive arsehole. Why are you putting up with this??

Get rid of him. Nobody gets to tell you when to go out, who to see, when to get back in - his reaction tells you everything.

The Freedom Programme might be helpful.

Of course he doesn't contribute financially 🙄 not even bills? The food he eats??

You're g taken advantage of. All abusers follow the cycle of being nasty and nice to keep you confused and on your toes.

He doesn't love you.

Thank God it's your house. You can tell him to leave at any time.

The dc will get over it. They want you to be happy.

A relationship is meant to make your life better, to make you happy.

Think how sorted you felt before you met him. Think of all the friends you had. You're cutting yourself from all these friends just to please him. And is that making YOU happy?

Also, I bet the kids aren't as fond of him as you think. Or not for the right reasons. They act like it because they are intimidated by him, same as you. Do all of you a favour and remove them from that.

Some kids are great at faking it. I know I was. I did everything I could to keep the peace between my parents. Whatever it took, just so there was no tension. My parents rarely fought in front of us but you could feel stuff was going on. It hung in the air.

So long as the house is yours I don't see why you can't show him the door. Tell him to get lost.

Agree with all the above plus.. finally Imagine one day when he’s safely out of your life and you quietly tell him “the day you told me you spat in my tea was the day I started cleaning the loo with your toothbrush..” 🤣😈

Reread the two posts by TheFoundation a few before this. Keep rereading them. Reread them them whenever you feel conflicted or confused by this twat.

Also, read the opening post of the thread stickied at the top if the Relationships Board entitled "Right, listen up everybody". It, too, is fantastic.

@Happyfaceemoji just as an after thought, I'd recommend you reach out to your lady friends. I thought I'd lost most of mine over the last few years too but they have just been amazing. I literally messaged my main three and they embraced me straight away and made me feel so much stronger. If your feeling overwhelmed as I'm sure you are , do message someone. You'll probably find like many of mine they never liked him either and will help you with morale support. I had to post because I've been thinking of you like everyone else. You've got this darling, you deserve to be happy as do your children. Keep us updated xx ps this page and all you lovely ladies are amazing - all the best for 2022 we've got this