Dealing with behaviour of partner' DS

[minxthemanx]

Been with lovely DP for 18 months- both very surprised to find happiness after bad marriages. We get on really well- my 2 DS age 15 and 20 think he's great and I've spent a lot of time with his 2 DS age 16 and 12. Generally get on very well with them. His younger DS has Adhd and mild ASD, older lad has mild ASD too. The younger one can be very challenging, with difficult behaviour. Their Mum struggles to cope with him and so he lives with DP alternate weeks. Over Christmas he has been utterly, utterly obnoxious to his Dad. Demanding, rude, swearing at him....DP is an incredible father who gives so much time and love to his boys. I have found it incredibly upsetting to hear him spoken to the way his 12 year old has done. This is nothing to do with Adhd or ASD - swearing and calling his Dad a xxxxjng dickhead at midnight because he doesn't get his own way about buying a new computer game (yes at midnight) has nothing to do with SEN. I've come away this afternoon feeling quite tearful- I hate hearing DP spoken to like this. He is a big, successful man who takes no shit from anyone in his professional life or elsewhere, but he doesn't seem to deal with DS appalling rudeness and lack of respect. At other times, DS is lovely and clearly adores his Dad. I feel I can't get involved and give his lad a piece of my mind, but it's really hard being a bystander. How has anyone else handled these things?

Have you spoken to your DP about how he feels about it? I would say it's not really your place to get involved or say anything to his son but your DP would probably appreciate some support

Yes I'm trying to support him and i've taken his Ds out for days out with my DS to give DP a break. I've just been a bit taken aback by the way his DS has spoken to him the last few days - he is such a good Dad and it upsets me to hear it. I think I'll just tell him how it makes me feel and maybe say if you heard my boys saying xxxxxxx to me, how would you feel? That's how I feel... etc. I don't want to be critical as he has a tough enough gig as it is, and he knows he has me with him, but it's horrible to listen to.

It is 100% linked to his disabilities. Read up. Learn. Educate yourself. Impulse control, inability to moderate emotion and reaction to them. All part and parcel of the package of neurodiversity.

The honest to God best way of helping this child learn the.more socially accepted means of dealing with these issues is modeling the correct behaviour.

No amount of shouting, sanctions, punishment will change anything. Risk assessment and understanding consequences before the moment happens is just so hard for folks on the spectrum and learning it takes patience and perfect modeling.

It is due to his disabilities. Christmas is shit hard for autistic people.

I think you should be very careful as this "This is nothing to do with Adhd or ASD - swearing and calling his Dad a xxxxjng dickhead at midnight because he doesn't get his own way about buying a new computer game (yes at midnight) has nothing to do with SEN" suggests you don't really know much about ADHD or Autism.

ADHD is about poor impulse control (among many other things) and emotional dysregulation - everything you described in your post is common in combined type ADHD.

The neurological deficits in ADHD cause global maturational delay. 12 year old is like to present more like 9/10 in many ways including problems with delayed maturation and impulsive demands, difficulty delaying gratification.

Parenting a child with ADHD is different. You learn to let the small stuff go (or the majority of your interactions with your child would be negative/criticising/correcting. You disconnect from the impulsive, emotionally dysregulated rudeness -it's not personal.

@Hawkmoth

It is due to his disabilities. Christmas is shit hard for autistic people.

Yep, this 100%.

Kids like this are totally over-stimulated right now and need our patience around being thrust into some very high NT expectations.

Agree with the others. Also with ASD/ADHD the usual strategies, eg removal of privileges, grounding, don’t work.
It’s really hard but unfortunately this is the reality for a lot of parents.
What does he say?

I totally understand where you are coming from but unfortunately this situation is for his dad to deal with. You can subtle support him in the situation by letting the lad know that swearing is unacceptable but as other have said it’s probs down to his Disabilities x

My asd 11 year old has been awful over Christmas, exactly as you describe obnoxious, swearing, shouting. It’s to so with demands of Christmas, over stimulation etc, in past years I would get really stressed and embarrassed, demand he apologise etc. This year we’ve been a lot more chilled and let him go off and do his own thing, leave the table at Christmas dinner etc rather than try and make him comply with social norms. It’s been overall one of the most relaxing christmases we’ve had

You can not be certain that it is "nothing to do with" his adhd or ASD.

It 100% could be.

You describe a pattern of behaviour that could result from becoming overwhelmed by stimuli, sensory overload, socialisation, changes in routine, differing expectations, ..... In fact just existing and living, let alone Christmas etc.

It can be impossible to see a 'trigger' or reason or understand exactly what has 'caused' such out bursts. And his DS may well feel devastated by his outbursts.

He may have reached his limit of dealing with relentless anxiety and stress so when the balance tips he may feel fear, anger and terrifying loss of control.

Another person saying that this sounds very like the issues you get with ADHD, the lack of emotional regulation and impulse control.

Times of heightened emotion and stress ( like Xmas) can be particularly difficult for dc particularly those with his dc's issues.

I would suggest doing some reading around how to parent dc with adhd, there are lots of good strategies around but it isn't always the same as other dc.

I agree with others who have said it is 100% about his disabled. There is no such thing as "mild" autism. It is a term that was coined to describe how a persons autism affects others. Not the severity of his autism.
Myself and my children have autism and christmas is a very difficult time and each of us copes differently with it. The change in routine, suprises (gifts), new/different expectations and a extra sensory issues due to decorations, excitement ect.
The only thing I would take issue with is the swearing. I however would not correct it as such but try and change the language used. Swearing and autism, adhd do not go hand in hand.
Talk to the child, set rules before hand and clearly set out what is to happen. Each night before bed and again in the morning we talk through the days events, build in breaks where they can let of steam. I read, 1 of my DC naps, another jumps on the trampoline, one plays guitar and another wallks around the garden holding a nerf gun.

Let your DP know you are there for him but do not pull him up about the things you have mentioned. Parents of disabled children often suffer judgement from others and feel like they are failing without a partner adding to that.

how do you know it's nothing to do with ADHD/ASD? I mean genuinely, how do you know? Do you know this kid like the back of your hand having seen him through 12 Christmases and all the resulting stresses and strains it puts on people with ASD? Know the struggles, know the strategies, know the solutions? Because hand on heart, it is the toughest time of my DS's year and the only reason we have anything approaching a nice time is because I've spent every single one of his 16 christmases working out how to make them better.

Beak out. You're not helping.

As a mum of an 12 year old autistic child, I can 100%
confirm that it is due to his disabilities.

Educate yourself if you want the relationship to go further.

Christmas is so hard for autistic people. As well as many other things most would consider 'normal'

Again...educate yourself. Please do not speak to your oh about how it 'isn't his autism'

You've been in their lives for a matter of months. Your partner has been there 12 years and will know his son inside out.

He sounds like a truly amazing dad by the way. Wish my son had the same.

Agree with this too:

"Again...educate yourself. Please do not speak to your oh about how it 'isn't his autism'

You've been in their lives for a matter of months. Your partner has been there 12 years and will know his son inside out."

If a new partner decided to give me their take on what they thought was really ADHD and what wasn't after a 12 year journey of parenting a child with this condition, I'd be distancing myself from them pretty rapidly.

Also just to add....

Again as a mother to an asd child, if I found out my ex's partner had been sticking her nose in and saying how my child's behaviour is 'nothing to do with his disabilities' I would be absolutely livid.

Being parents of Sen children is hard. So hard. We need a circle of understanding people around us. Most sen parents will no doubt tell you about the friendships they've lost and how isolated they can as no one really understands.

The absolute last thing we need is Dads new girlfriend stating the behaviour we struggle with the absolute most is actually nothing to do with asd/adhd.

I'm not saying this will get back to mum but you've said how hard she finds looking after her DS. That's absolutely heartbreaking as a mother. Why you can't see how his behaviour isn't related to his disabilities is beyond me.

Just be careful op

“His mum struggles to cope with him and so he lives with DP alternate weeks”…. That seems a very odd way to describe shared custody.

Perhaps he lives with him because he is his father?

He sounds like a good dad taking shared responsibility for his sons. Why should this ex “cope” all the time with two children with disabilities.

The behaviours associated with ASD and ADHD can indeed be challenging and unpleasant to witness at times. If your determined to see this child as rude and obnoxious rather than understand his needs your partner will do better without you. Educate yourself or move on love

*you’re

This post has really irritated me as a parent of a child with ADHD. The behaviours, as PPs have pointed out, are almost certainly due to to his ADHD and being incredibly overstimulated at this time of year.

My ExP had a GF (now Ex) who had the same opinions as you. In the end he couldn't bare her forcing her opinion what and wasn't related to his own child's neurodivergencies. Don't blame him to be honest, when I found out what she had been saying I was absolutely livid.

Educate yourself OP. This smacks of someone who hasn't even bothered to try to understand their P's children. In doing so you may understand how best to support your DP. Sorry to be blunt.

I think you need to be careful of your thinking. Firstly, do they really live with their dad alternate weeks because mum can't cope? Or do they have a 50/50 care arrangement where Dad does equal parenting?

And the behaviour you describe is most certainly ASD / ADHD. I can understand why you don't believe it, that's pretty standard for those parents who's kids don't have these disabilities. If you want this relationship to have legs, you are going to need to understand this and be prepared for it. There would be nothing wrong if you decide this gig is not for you, but don't go down the road of blaming an autistic kid for his behaviour and minimising his disability.

I would take a step back and spend less time with his kids.

Really pisses me off when people judge other people's children and their oh's parenting.

He's a good dad and knows how to parent his children. I have no experience of autism but even I can take a guess that all the stimulation and disruption of christmas and teens and autism may affect their behaviour!!

Stick to.parsnting your kids and d9nt judge or advise unless you're being asked and your qualified.

Ok sorry, will explain. My 2 boys also have SEN which is partly why DP and I get on so well as we both know the struggles. I have 30 years experience working with challenging kids. We've had holidays together with both sets of kids and my 2 have equally been a handful. However it breaks my heart to hear this genuinely amazing Dad calked a cxxxt by a 12 year old who hasn't got his own way over buying something. My original post was asking how people who have been in similar situations deal with it - I don't get involved as it's not my role but it still upsets me. Other than putting my arms round DP I'm not sure how to help. That's all I was asking.

And genuinely, thank you for the comments. It's helped with perspective. I work with autistuc kids and I'm well aware how difficult it is. I guess this is the first time I've had my own feelings in the mix- i love the bones off his Dad and hate hearing calked those names. He is an incredible, patient man who I want to support.