Dealing with behaviour of partner' DS

[minxthemanx]

Been with lovely DP for 18 months- both very surprised to find happiness after bad marriages. We get on really well- my 2 DS age 15 and 20 think he's great and I've spent a lot of time with his 2 DS age 16 and 12. Generally get on very well with them. His younger DS has Adhd and mild ASD, older lad has mild ASD too. The younger one can be very challenging, with difficult behaviour. Their Mum struggles to cope with him and so he lives with DP alternate weeks. Over Christmas he has been utterly, utterly obnoxious to his Dad. Demanding, rude, swearing at him....DP is an incredible father who gives so much time and love to his boys. I have found it incredibly upsetting to hear him spoken to the way his 12 year old has done. This is nothing to do with Adhd or ASD - swearing and calling his Dad a xxxxjng dickhead at midnight because he doesn't get his own way about buying a new computer game (yes at midnight) has nothing to do with SEN. I've come away this afternoon feeling quite tearful- I hate hearing DP spoken to like this. He is a big, successful man who takes no shit from anyone in his professional life or elsewhere, but he doesn't seem to deal with DS appalling rudeness and lack of respect. At other times, DS is lovely and clearly adores his Dad. I feel I can't get involved and give his lad a piece of my mind, but it's really hard being a bystander. How has anyone else handled these things?

You need to stay completely out of it. You're the girlfriend, not the mum or even stepmother. It would be wildly inappropriate for you to interfere.

I guess if you have lots of experience you could support him to think about strategies for de escalating situations and maintaining a calm and consistent bed time routine.

I wouldn't get involved at the time but you could chat about it when DP is calm, rested and not actively managing a situation.

I agree this very much sounds part and parcel of ADHD and ASD.

My 17yo really struggles to keep emotions in. They will rage and shout at the smallest thing although now she is taking medication things have calmed.

The Christmas period has been very difficult for her though. She has found it very stressful having people in and out of the house.

What works for us (and it took a bit of time to learn this especially as she was only diagnosed last year - we had been treating it as behavioural issues) is to have a sage space. If she feels her anxieties rising she goes up to her room and either games or plays guitar. She isn't forced to continue being sociable. We joke and ask if she is peopled out and she nods and off she goes.

If you want to be supportive to your DH I would advise doing some learning around behaviours and triggers for ADHD. It's not like dealing with "normal" bad behaviours. Shouting, getting angry, raising your voice literally one decibel will escalate my girl into meltdown. She can't cope with it at all.

There is absolutely loads of info available online that you start researching.

And FWIW you sound like a very caring partner. It really does show through how much you care for the boys and your DP. Wishing you lots of luck!

My 13 year old daughter has ADHD and ASD. When she's angry or excited she swears. She doesn't comprehend that the language she's using is not acceptable because her brain doesn't process words that way.

Also, when she wants something she wants it right now Waiting appears to be actually physically painful for her.

Swearing and raging at 2am about not getting something she's just decided she has to have would be just an average day.

That sounds very hard and particularly for you to have to listen too but I am just going to comment on one thing you wrote, swearing at his Dad at midnight for being asked to leave his computer is absolutely autistic behaviour.

I have literally the most biddable seriously loving and easy going son with ASD and he gets majorly hacked off with telling him to get off his computer and calls us every name under the sun if we do it without giving plenty of warning. You might as well be asking an addict to hand over their crack cocaine and check out the response.

I think very strictly adhered rules around technology use work best because, well my autistic son anyway loved a good structured day to keep everything on the straight and narrow, and he loves a good set of rules to counteract any frustrations he might feel. It is hard but try not to take it personally.

@minxthemanx sorry it took me ages to put my reply together so I missed the bit where you said you work with children with autism! Aware my post could have come across a bit patronising. It wasn't meant in that way at all.

@loopyapp

It is 100% linked to his disabilities. Read up. Learn. Educate yourself. Impulse control, inability to moderate emotion and reaction to them. All part and parcel of the package of neurodiversity.

The honest to God best way of helping this child learn the.more socially accepted means of dealing with these issues is modeling the correct behaviour.

No amount of shouting, sanctions, punishment will change anything. Risk assessment and understanding consequences before the moment happens is just so hard for folks on the spectrum and learning it takes patience and perfect modeling.

I think the same. Too much stimuli over Christmas, and although midnight seems unreasonable to most to argue about a computer game to a 12 year old with ADHD & ASD it has to be THEN and NOW.

Start with learning all you can about the conditions then talk with your partner to act together, consistently. Be aware that the land’s puberty is kicking in and that will escalate a lot of behaviour. But this stage won’t last forever.

If you work with those with ASD then how on earth do you think mild ASD is a thing?

Many apologies as I realise I didn't word/put right info into first post. That's Christmas with 4 teenagers with SEN/medical needs for you - my brain is fried as I'm sure many of yours are. I refer to mild ASD in that he attends mainstream secondary, is very bright and sociable and to anyone that didn't know him, wouldn't appear to have ASD. It is pretty much at home that it's apparent. I don't need to 'read up' or educate myself as I've spent 30 years teaching kids with challenging behaviour and am currently enjoying the 2 week break from chairs being thrown around or being threatened. I know deep down that DP's son lashed out verbally due to exhaustion, over stimulaton and wanting everything NOW. Thank you for the (non flaming) posts that helped me get the right perspective. I just feel so sorry for DP - there are a lot of shit fathers in the world including my DS's dad, and to hear this remarkable man spoken to so obnoxiously- yes it is obnoxious, whatever the reason behind it, upsets me. I will quietly support in the background as he does with my 2. Think I just needed to let off steam and ask for advice supporting DP. Next week I will be back to the flying chairs and death threats so won't have so much time to think. Thank you for listening.

You've no right to say it's not due to his disabilities. I'm surprised you have lots of experience with kids who have disabilities as that's a rather odd statement to have made.

Their Mum struggles to cope with him and so he lives with DP alternate weeks.

This is also a very strange thing to say. Did you mean 'him and his son's mum are both equally responsible for their child and neither has more obligation to 'cope' than the other, so they share 50:50 care'? You could say your partner struggles to cope with his son, so he lives with his mum alternate weeks. But you didn't say that. You implied the mum is doing less than she should and your partner is 'helping' when he is just as responsible for his son as she is.

@minxthemanx

Many apologies as I realise I didn't word/put right info into first post. That's Christmas with 4 teenagers with SEN/medical needs for you - my brain is fried as I'm sure many of yours are. I refer to mild ASD in that he attends mainstream secondary, is very bright and sociable and to anyone that didn't know him, wouldn't appear to have ASD. It is pretty much at home that it's apparent. I don't need to 'read up' or educate myself as I've spent 30 years teaching kids with challenging behaviour and am currently enjoying the 2 week break from chairs being thrown around or being threatened. I know deep down that DP's son lashed out verbally due to exhaustion, over stimulaton and wanting everything NOW. Thank you for the (non flaming) posts that helped me get the right perspective. I just feel so sorry for DP - there are a lot of shit fathers in the world including my DS's dad, and to hear this remarkable man spoken to so obnoxiously- yes it is obnoxious, whatever the reason behind it, upsets me. I will quietly support in the background as he does with my 2. Think I just needed to let off steam and ask for advice supporting DP. Next week I will be back to the flying chairs and death threats so won't have so much time to think. Thank you for listening.

Oh bore off with the flying chairs and death threats shite are we all supposed to swoop in and offer you a medal now and ignore your ignorance?. I’m even more concerned by your attitude if that in fact is you’re actual job!

Gosh there are some vipers around today!!

None of this washes with me sorry. You would of mentioned your own sen children and your job field in your first post about your 'understanding' of autism/adhd otherwise

swearing and calling his Dad a xxxxjng dickhead at midnight because he doesn't get his own way about buying a new computer game (yes at midnight) has nothing to do with SEN

@minxthemanx To be fair I do know people/kids with ASD who do this and it is to some extent related to their ASD and how the family relate to it. For instance I know a boy with severe ASD who will kick off if he isn't bought the games/technology he wants as soon as possible. Bedtimes are particularly fractious and he can even get violent, and he's massive even though he's young so it's not good. I think how his mum relates to it doesn't help- she gives in eventually, so he knows he can just 'meltdown'/trash the place until she gives in and buys him the thing.

swearing and calling his Dad a xxxxjng dickhead at midnight because he doesn't get his own way about buying a new computer game (yes at midnight) has nothing to do with SEN

I beg as others have said to strongly disagree

If you are going to stay with the fellow I’d suggest you read up and research more

As this is what mine do! And yes I get judged for their behaviour and I’m learning more and more

If you can’t tolerate this or learn some acceptance and strategies it’s going to be very very hard

And sorry some post have been a bit , spicy
I’m actually relieved to read everyone saying ‘yeah this is normal’
I’m fairly new into our diagnosis and I can’t literally imagine bringing a man into this right now

To be honest the best thing you can do is butt out and not judge

He’ll have seen worse !

Your story doesn't wash with me either, I'm afraid. You have clearly touched a raw nerve for those of us with SEN children. If you have the experience you say you have, there is no way you would have written a post as ignorant as your first one. Parents of SEN kids are so used to being judged by other parents, we develop a keen sense if empathy for our peers struggles. Regardless, I'm glad you posted as it seems you have taken our responses on board and hopefully will be more compassionate with regard to your DP (and his ex-wife's) circumstances moving forward.

@loopyapp

It is 100% linked to his disabilities. Read up. Learn. Educate yourself. Impulse control, inability to moderate emotion and reaction to them. All part and parcel of the package of neurodiversity.

The honest to God best way of helping this child learn the.more socially accepted means of dealing with these issues is modeling the correct behaviour.

No amount of shouting, sanctions, punishment will change anything. Risk assessment and understanding consequences before the moment happens is just so hard for folks on the spectrum and learning it takes patience and perfect modeling.

This. I teac children with similar difficulties and as explained here hey get overwhelmed in these situations and their emotions are everywhere. Your dp probably understands this so doesn't take it to heart. A combination of Christmas and entering puberty is dynamite so melt downs are to be expected. Add in tiredness, late nights, lack of routine and extra sweets and it's a recipe for war. Also children with ASD can often get very attached to computer games so this will heighten the response. Trying to anticipate areas that will cause issues and block them off before its too late is helpful . But lots of compassion and understanding is called for.

It’s the modelling that I struggle with

It’s been fascinating how now Xmas is over and it’s just us it’s calmed right down
It’s lovely actually

I’m actually very relieved as what OP complains about so often here , it’s not that big a deal
Upsetting yes
But sadly par for the course

Last post didn’t make sense , sorry

I’m really surprised that you work with children with autism and don’t know that exciting events like Christmas can be overwhelming and lead to some pretty challenging behaviour.

Or for that matter that you claim it has nothing to do with his disability.

OK. Deep breath. This has clearly been difficult for you to see your partner being spoken to in this way and it sounds like you feel a bit helpless. You absolutely can help though - by modelling good emotional regulation yourself and supporting your partner when he finds parenting tough.

I have lived experience of ADHD and work with neurodivergent teens and young adults and can 100% confirm that ADHD can cause this kind of behaviour. As others have said, Christmas can be tough for ND kids - lots of routine changes, food changes, overstimulation, visitors, lots of things happening. Hell, it can be hard for ND adults too. I find lots of visiting or hosting very tiring and overwhelming and I have to space it out.

I would really encourage maybe updating your knowledge of more current perspectives on neurodiversity. Terminology like “mild autism” just isn’t used any more - I don’t know if your workplace still says this kinda stuff, but the world’s moved on a bit now - there’s some really great neurodiversity positive resources out there, particularly written by those with lived experience that frame it differently and explain how dysregulation and overwhelm affect ND people from their perspective. I’m trying to put this in a way that’s helpful and not shaming, because if you don’t know, you don’t know - you might not know those perspectives are even out there and might be helpful. Previously we didn’t have so much of that, most things about neurodivergence were created by neurotypical people from a neurotypical perspective and that’s very much what we were used to seeing until relatively recently.

Maybe stay in your own house when he has his ds for the week 🤔

I'm surprised to hear you work with kids with SEN because every training or support session puts a big emphasis on not taking their behaviours,meltdowns,swearing etc personally (easier said than done,but still a good reminder). So why are you making it all about yourself and taking it so personally when it's not even aimed at you?