To reach out to ex best friend years after a huge fall out?

[fifitheflowerpot]

Had a fall out with my best friend when we were both at uni. This was 3 years ago. Prior to this we’d been best friends since we were 16 and she really was a great friend. My memories with her are probably the happiest I’ve ever felt (cringe I know!)

When she got her first boyfriend the dynamic changed and we stopped seeing each other so frequently as all her free time was spent with him and she began to let me down on plans. We ended up in a drunken argument and nasty things were said on both sides- namecalling insults etc. We blocked each other on all socials and that was the end of the friendship.

The combination of moving back to my hometown recently and photo memories of us coming up on my phone has made me reflect a lot. I feel really guilty about some of the things I said and sad how our friendship ended.

Would it be weird for me to message her and apologise? I’m not going in with expectations we will be friends again as I seriously doubt that will happen but I just wanted to reach out to say I’m sad how our friendship ended and say sorry?

Would this be really strange? Do I leave this in the past?

I think it sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to do - indeed, I would think it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do even if 10 or 15 years had passed.

As you say, you're not going in with any expectations and it's not like she's a romantic ex-partner where you might be massively treading on toes if you suddenly resurface.

She might rebuff you but is that worse than passing up on the chance that in fact she's delighted to hear from you and you're able to re-start your friendship? If you don't reach out, you will never know if there could have been a reconciliation.

And even if she rebuffs you and shows no interest in further contact, you will have had a chance to express your sorrow and regret at how your friendship ended and I think that will be a source of comfort to you and her. And you will know that at least you tried.

In my last few weeks at uni, I had a massive falling out with the person who had been my absolute closest friend throughout uni. Fortunately, social media wasn't a thing back then (the early 1990s) so we weren't able to compound things and perpetuate the bad feeling by blocking each other on social media and similar types of acting out.

Several months later we did get back in touch and we became friends again - it was a shadow over our friendship for a while and we were probably not quite as relaxed around each other as we had been but we were still both glad to be back in touch and on good terms.

But even despite that, it remained a huge regret to me that we had fallen out when we should have been spending our last few, post-finals weeks celebrating together. She and I discussed it very recently - I said how much I regretted it and she said the same. It felt good to have finally said it - even nearly 30 years later :).

So - no, it wouldn't be strange - it would be human and appropriate and, whatever the outcome, I think it is likely that you and probably she too will feel better that you've done it.

I think it would be a lovely thing to do, as your friend, with the passage of time, maybe thinking the same as you, but you also need to be prepared for her to either ignore you, or give you a piece of her mind, depending on how she feels now about what happened.

I have been thinking about doing similar but am too nervous of rejection

Close friendship breakups can be worse than romantic breakups

This happened to myself and my childhood best friend
We were best friends from 13-17 lost touch after we had a stupid argument then out of the blue she got in touch when we were 20
It was like nothing every happened and now we are both 41 and this feels like a lifetime ago
Defo reach out to her ❤️

"I have been thinking about doing similar but am too nervous of rejection"

@cogsmede and @fifitheflowerpot - this is one of the joys of being older (early 50s in my case). In time, you learn that, with something like this, the regret you feel for not having reached out when you wanted to lasts longer than any hurt you might feel about reaching out and being rebuffed.

In my 20s and early 30s, I was very inspired by the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. With something like this, a really helpful way to approach it is to do what you can to put things right but learn to let go of the outcome. You can't control how the other person will react. But you can control how you approach this. So if you approach it as @fifitheflowerpot suggests - saying - I'm really sorry we fell out; I'm sorry for what I said and did wrong; I miss you and would like to be friends again some time if that's possible - then you've made your best contribution to mending the friendship.

If the other person rebuffs you, at least you will know that you did what you could to mend the friendship.

But if you don't reach out (and assuming they don't either), you will never know whether this is something which could have been put right.

Go for it. She will probably be really happy to hear from you x

Definitely go for it. You have nothing to lose and loads to gain.

Definitely give it a go. Sometimes friendships go through really rough patches where you just have to leave each other alone for a while, then pick up again when enough water has flowed under the bridge.

Do it. Life is so very short. Even if she doesn't want to rekindle the friendship, you'll know you've said sorry and left it in the right way.

Thank you everyone for your messages! It’s confirmed I need to do it so I’m going to have a glass of wine and send her a message. If she tells me to do one then at least I’ve tried and won’t have to keep thinking what if!

Let us know how you get on

Let us know the outcome! Are you still blocked? How do you plan to contact her?

Me and my best friend had a big falling at 19. We reached out again when we were 26/27 and have been best friends again ever since. Now 36!

I think it would be the right thing to do and also a lovely thing to do. Do it with no expectations and make sure you make don't make any excuses but you might find your friend is only delighted and apologises to you too and ye can go back to being friends again and hopefully you'll start 22 with your friend back or at least, with a clear conscience! You'll know you tried anyway and what more can you do!
I wish you all the best OP!

It sounds like the risk could be worth it. But do be prepared for the fact that she might react badly and make you feel even worse.

I tried doing this after a misunderstanding has led to a friend calling an end to our friendship. She gave the impression that this was temporary and she just needed some space for a while.
Six months later I got I touch to see if we could move on, and her brusque rebuffing was almost worse than the initial withdrawing of her her friendship.in my head I'd thought that she'd have got over this thing (she'd not been in a good place at the time, and I knew from others that she was now doing a lot better emotionally).

Finding that she still felt the same way, plus the things that she said, hurt a lot.

I hope you have better luck. But do be prepared for it to reopen old wounds.

@saraclara this was my concern too. I don’t mind if she ignores or gives a blunt response but because of the nature of how we fell out with both of us saying hurtful things to one another I’m not sure how she will take it. I don’t hold a grudge and I’ve forgiven her for stuff she said to me. The things I said to her in the heat of the moment I didn’t mean but I know there’s a big chance she won’t see it like that. I just hope she doesn’t react too negatively i.e a nasty response

Some of the comments on here have made me feel hopeful, I’m still sipping wine and trying to build up courage I wasn’t sure if to send a friend request first and see if she accepts before messaging to test the water - not sure if that would be an indication or not or whether to just bite the bullet and do it!

I did this.

I was horrible to my friend. I messaged her, apologised, and we are firm friends again. Had been about 10 years.

I fell out with a friend over something daft years ago. I think about 5 years had passed when the phone rang on new years day and it it was her. We are now back in each other's circle. It takes a strong person to pick up that phone. What's to lose by trying?

Do it OP. Either way you will know you did the right thing.

Trouble with FB is that she might not see your message. Anyway you can get hold of her number ?

Yes, if you're trying to message her on FB and you're not FB friend she's unlikely to see it. It will go straight into a hidden folder that most don't even know exists.

If you have any other way of contacting her, I'd use that instead.

OP, and anyone in a similar position, please do try and contact them.

Its a slightly different situation but years ago I lost touch with my best friend, no massive falling out but it was mainly my fault things drifted. I always planned to get back in contact when my life was more together. Weeks turned to months turned to years. Before I knew it 15 years had passed. And then I finally got to a point where I thought maybe it was time to reach out, to send a Christmas or birthday card. Only then I found out she'd died a few months previously. Very unexpectedly, she was only in her early 40s. It's 5 years on now and I still haven't really grasped that I'll never speak to her again, she was a wonderful person, so alive. So please while you can, take the chance. Don't leave it too late.

I've had this a couple of times. First time a good friend and I went on holiday and fell out. Never spoke once returned. About ten years later I wrote her a letter apologising and seeing if she'd like to catch up sometime (it was a friendly letter). She never replied.

Another time a friend and I had drifted, but I really valued her. I spent ages finding her on social media, she accepted my friendship request but then ignored my message .

So I guess I haven't had great experiences trying to repair old friendships, but it's worth a try. You may just get ignored.

Thanks everyone for all the comments. It makes me feel hopeful reading other people’s experience!

Sorry I worded my post badly I meant I’d send her a request and if she accepted then I would message but she might not accept if she’s unsure why I’m even requesting! I do have her number still but I’m not sure if she is still using the same one

Put the number in your phone and see if you can see her WhatsApp picture OP !

Yes, get back in touch, I've made up with friends years after falling out. Often you just pick up where you left off, not arguing but back to the good friendship you used to have.

@TheCatShatInTheHat thank you! Just tried this and photo that comes up is from 3/4 years ago so unsure if it’s an old number or if she just hasn’t updated the photo in all that time