Is there any point.

[justgivein]

In getting married anymore. Seen so many threads about abusive husbands.

People can be abusive whether you are married to them or not, remember people only post when their relationship is bad, no one posts “my husband is so great” as they will be shot down and told they are gloating. Unless you are going to swear off all men then people can be abusive with or without marriage.

So many abusive relationships. So many men who beat their wives, treat them like shit. Only a few tell us about it on here. Most would not admit it because to stay in a marriage like that is like admitting failure. It's all very sad.
So many women trapped because they are financially reliant upon their abusers. So many children brought up watching their mothers being treated worse than a dog

I am happy. I was married to a man who thankfully is long gone so I know the difference between a good man and a bad one. My bloke is respectful and never calls me names or says anything about my figure. He would not dream of it.
He makes me cups of tea

I wish I had known about Mumsnet when I was in trouble. I would have dealt with it a lot better than I did.

How is getting married linked to being with an abusive partner? Aren’t these totally separate subjects?

Well people don't tend to post on here about their hally marriage. If it is bad enough that they need advice from strangers, it usually means it's bad.

My ex was abusive and we weren’t married so like I said unless you are not Going to date at all ever then men can be abusive whether you’re married to them or not

Do you mean because it's easier to escape a bad relationship if you aren't married? Also depends if you're having kids together. But yeah, as pp all say, marriage isn't what makes a man abuse their partner

I definitely wouldn’t get married again. I wouldn’t get so legally, financially and emotionally trapped to a person again.
But if you’re not going to marry, and you’re taking time off for children, you need to get yourself financially stable and get him to pay you’re private pension while you’re not earning.

@SleepingStandingUp

Do you mean because it's easier to escape a bad relationship if you aren't married? Also depends if you're having kids together. But yeah, as pp all say, marriage isn't what makes a man abuse their partner

Yes easier to split up. Along with my wife saying everyone she knows is divorced now and the threads on here just seems marriage unlikely to last now.

My DH isn’t abusive. I’m divorcing him because I’ve had years of drinking, putting work first, and spending beyond his means.
Not all marriages end due to physical abuse.

Yes. Decent men do exist.

@GoodnightGrandma

My DH isn’t abusive. I’m divorcing him because I’ve had years of drinking, putting work first, and spending beyond his means. Not all marriages end due to physical abuse.

Yes there are so many reasons why men are arseholes so why take the risk of marriage.

I willing be filling for divorce in a few weeks after being separated for 2 years!
I love my husband very very much, I loved being a "wife", I felt so proud.
He broke my heart. He walked out on me when I was pregnant and then abused me mentally.
But in reality he would've done this whether we were married or not, he just isn't the man for me and I'm happy to be not married to him!

Would I get married again? Hmmm.... I don't feel the need to anymore but at the same time of someone really stole my heart I wouldn't say no. It's so lovely to be so in love!

@Wednesdayafternoon

I willing be filling for divorce in a few weeks after being separated for 2 years! I love my husband very very much, I loved being a "wife", I felt so proud. He broke my heart. He walked out on me when I was pregnant and then abused me mentally. But in reality he would've done this whether we were married or not, he just isn't the man for me and I'm happy to be not married to him!

Would I get married again? Hmmm.... I don't feel the need to anymore but at the same time of someone really stole my heart I wouldn't say no. It's so lovely to be so in love!

But why would you risk marriage again after everything that has happened with your soon to be ex even if you do fall in love.

I feel trapped. I don’t want to be married anymore, but getting out of it takes so much time/money/emotion, when I think about it I feel a bit claustrophobic.

@justgivein well I'm not particularly looking for a marriage... but I accept that my marriage didn't work because he wasn't the right man for me. If I fell in love completely I would be open to the idea, but equally I'm happy not marrying. I suppose I just have to wait and see where my life takes me before I rule anything out!

A forum isn't an accurate cross section of marriages.

The important thing is to focus on understanding how to dismiss unhealthy relationships and recognise healthy ones. Once you're confident with that, you don't need to worry about generalisations like your OP, because your life will be all about your desires, your wants, your needs, rather than what others are doing.

@TheFoundation

A forum isn't an accurate cross section of marriages.

The important thing is to focus on understanding how to dismiss unhealthy relationships and recognise healthy ones. Once you're confident with that, you don't need to worry about generalisations like your OP, because your life will be all about your desires, your wants, your needs, rather than what others are doing.

Yes good points very well put.Interesting how some marriages last and others don't.My brother is well on the way to his divorce decades after he got on one knee.He said big mistake he should have waited like me not proposed after a couple of years. We have had our fair share of shit and some how come out the otherside now the kids are adults and we have less to stress about.When we were at our lowest point it was like the arseholes would come out of the woodwork and start hitting on my wife.Some even new she was married. One even invited us round for a meal and he was married too.My wife said he wouldn't let it go ,the flirting, but her being too easy going and it being in an office environment it was hard for her to deal with.Anyway coming from an old dog wait it out you can say no and get him to ask a couple more times until your really sure.I know a few people round my friends card table that are at it and are married. Yeah my little world I know not a good representation of all marriage I'm sure some are lovely.

My marriage was good, until it wasn’t. Not abusive but just over the years drifted apart, stopped communicating, stopped caring. We’ve been married for 30 years and will be separating in the new year. I don’t consider my marriage a failure at all - we’ve had many good times and two beautiful children. I think if we set the standard of a successful marriage as “til death is do part” we aren’t doing anyone any favours. I’m not the person I was when I got married and neither is he - that’s ok, people grow and change.

At this moment in time I don’t think I’d remarry, but who knows really.

I would never get married at this stage. Too risky!

I can understand people getting married if they want kids but once your are older it does not make much sense.

I have met too many creepy men and heard to many horror stories of marriages where the wife is treated poorly.

At least relationships are easier to end if there is no need to go through of the legal headache of divorcing.

@Jellycatspyjamas

My marriage was good, until it wasn’t. Not abusive but just over the years drifted apart, stopped communicating, stopped caring. We’ve been married for 30 years and will be separating in the new year. I don’t consider my marriage a failure at all - we’ve had many good times and two beautiful children. I think if we set the standard of a successful marriage as “til death is do part” we aren’t doing anyone any favours. I’m not the person I was when I got married and neither is he - that’s ok, people grow and change.

At this moment in time I don’t think I’d remarry, but who knows really.

Yes same here with the communication dying but then the kids started hitting the teens and i think we pulled together because of the obvious support they needed with an early unplanned baby starting with living arrangements then ending with the enivitable split being so young.My next one got up to things that were beyond stressful and my youngest needs a different kind of support to the over sociable previous siblings.But like yours they are all good kids and starting to find what life is really like with work etc.

But one of the lectures like many parents give their teens is my favourite about living together many years before marriage because it really is a minefield.

I sometimes self analyse why after I've stated to the kids or family and close friends that I'd marry the wife again ,why do I feel that way.I suppose we haven't changed a great deal over time except recently as my wife has been promoted to manager.

@ElectraBlue

I would never get married at this stage. Too risky!

I can understand people getting married if they want kids but once your are older it does not make much sense.

I have met too many creepy men and heard to many horror stories of marriages where the wife is treated poorly.

At least relationships are easier to end if there is no need to go through of the legal headache of divorcing.

Yeah too risky this is my point unless you really go years in a relationship to really get to know the baggage and red flags that can develop much later on..I don't remember thinking actually wanting kids it was just something you did like your parents. My wife I don't know but her mother is often saying she didn't really want kids.She had a good career writing articles for a magazine but it was just expected you got married next step is kids without really thinking it through.

But one of the lectures like many parents give their teens is my favourite about living together many years before marriage because it really is a minefield.

That just doesn’t make sense to me - the issues in my marriage wouldn’t have been apparent after “many years” of living together, depending on how you define many years. You’d be as well saying never have a long term, committed relationship - it’s the relationship that can be the minefield regardless of marriage.

I think it is to do with better education about what abuse looks like in the early stages. Everyone who has been through it - the love bombing which suddenly turns into profound disrespect for their partner and children - and then others - and then worsened abuse - can recognise it quickly, very early on in other relationships. This knowledge is frequently shared on here, it would be possible to teach about it at school.

I think it is also to do with knowing what emotional intimacy looks like and how it feels. I think that people brought up with emotional intimacy in their lives as children expect it in their adult relationships too, and knows what it looks like and how it feels. It is again much more likely that anyone who has experienced emotional intimacy as a child or eventually as an adult would pick up on things not being quite right far more quickly than those who hadn't.

Also, if you are in a relationship with someone not abusive, it is also about understanding the value of it and the value in making the effort to keep the connection between you. It does require effort even with a great person, making time for them, consciously making the effort.

@nbsorted

I think it is to do with better education about what abuse looks like in the early stages. Everyone who has been through it - the love bombing which suddenly turns into profound disrespect for their partner and children - and then others - and then worsened abuse - can recognise it quickly, very early on in other relationships. This knowledge is frequently shared on here, it would be possible to teach about it at school.

I think it is also to do with knowing what emotional intimacy looks like and how it feels. I think that people brought up with emotional intimacy in their lives as children expect it in their adult relationships too, and knows what it looks like and how it feels. It is again much more likely that anyone who has experienced emotional intimacy as a child or eventually as an adult would pick up on things not being quite right far more quickly than those who hadn't.

Yeah why not introduce children into the mix but not too young though.Good idea.Would have helped me sort my fucked up father out .