Marriage isn't the cause of abusive relationships!
In terms of finances and legalities you're better off married than cohabiting
There have been a few threads recently to counter the abusive/shitty husband ones people don't tend to post when things are going well - they've no need to
That said ime sadly there are few truly decent and fair men out there.
Even the "good guys" are often lazy!
marriage unlikely to last now.
Divorce rates are increasing not because men are worse than in the past but because women are less trapped financially now! That's a good thing.
What we now need to happen is for men (as a class AND individually) to cop on and start behaving better!
The relationships I know of in real life where the men are the better husbands/partners are interestingly (though not surprisingly I don't think) the ones where the men were single parents with care for at least a period of time and/or were sahp at some point. Seems experiencing things "from the other side" gave them an education!
The rest of the ones that I know that are decent partners/spouses were raised either by no nonsense single mums who were determined their sons wouldn't be like their dads OR like the aforementioned were raised by lone parent fathers or fathers who at least for a time were sahp
@GoodnightGrandma many of us now WOULD class your stbxh as abusive - abuse doesn't have to be physical
I'm the child of an abusive marriage (all kinds of abuse) and I would say the mental abuse is FAR harder to deal with
A forum isn't an accurate cross section of marriages.
I agree to a point - but then approx half of all marriages end in divorce, couples that cohabit are even more likely to separate and then if you add in the ones where the women don't leave (societal pressures, financial entrapment...) then I reckon yes men are generally pretty shit at relationships!
My ex wasn't abusive...until he had an affair then he turned very nasty!
Not a person I recognised or even his own family recognised! His dad is one of the decent men I referenced. His 1st marriage split due to her affairs (plural) he continued to fully be part of his kids lives and bought a house in the next street to be close to them he also continued to pay half the mortgage and child maintenance of a decent amount (way before csa) so my ex hardly followed that example!
He was raised by a single father (his mother had died in the war in a bombing raid)
Ex emptied the joint bank accounts in the days after I booted him out, took the family car literally in the dead of night, took the computer and other valuables when he knew I was out with dd at a medical appointment - leaving me and dd stranded in the sticks with no transport and no money for basics!
but her mother is often saying she didn't really want kids.She had a good career writing articles for a magazine but it was just expected you got married next step is kids without really thinking it through.
Choosing to be child free is becoming easier.
I once worked with a woman of an older generation (I'm 49, if she's still around she's in her 90's now) who confided in me that partly how she knew her husband was the right person for her was he also didn't want dc. But they still told people it was because they COULDN'T to get the parents etc off their backs!
Might be considered disgusting by some not by me as I understood the pressures women were under in those generations.
I'm an unplanned pregnancy myself! Which is difficult to come to terms with considering the marriage that followed the shotgun wedding ended up abusive. While not actually my responsibility it does feel...difficult
I agree what's needed is lots of education! What a healthy relationship looks like, what's abuse and how to withdraw from a relationship that isn't working (for whatever reason) but that also needs to be shored up with better incomes and working conditions for women - especially mothers inc single mothers (we're still way behind on this!)
Education needs to be in schools as too many children aren't getting good examples/education at home
Actually I also think another reason why it SHOULD be taught in schools is so that children can recognise and possibly disclose abuse.
If abuse had been something discussed at school in my day I might have reported the csa as well as the other abuse and been safer than I was. As it was I left home as soon as I could (I was 17) and never went back! I didn't disclose to anyone until I was in my 20's as I didn't truly understand that what I had experienced was actually abuse (it was framed as discipline in terms of the physical and mental abuse and love in terms of the csa)
Also, if you are in a relationship with someone not abusive, it is also about understanding the value of it and the value in making the effort to keep the connection between you. It does require effort even with a great person, making time for them, consciously making the effort.
Absolutely
In hindsight I also married too young - 22 - even though we'd been together almost 4 years. You change so much in your 20's!