AIBU - Husband won't tell me his plans

[scaredsadandstuck]

For context our marriage is on its knees. If we last another year it will be a miracle (we haven't talked about it, but I want to separate, I'm pretty sure he doesn't). Anyway, H has a job working shifts, sometimes he can do his job from home, sometimes he needs to be at his place of work. The criteria for when he needs to be at work and when he can be at home seem opaque (to me at least - maybe not him). He's due to be on call for 48hrs from tomorrow morning. He can't/won't tell me if he's going to be physically at his place of work or at home. He is vague about it: he's not sure, he needs to look into it to see who else is around, maybe he'll go, maybe he won't, maybe he'll go for some of it. AIBU to want to know what his plans are? Do I sound like hard work? Or is it basic courtesy/ good communication to tell your partner when you will and won't be home? Obviously I think the latter. If it makes a difference we have two kids - one older primary age and one early teens.

He's really weird and completely out of order. Of course where he is has an impact on you and the children. Can he really not see that?

It's basic courtesy and he's acting like a prick.

Is there reason to be suspicious of him or his behaviour?

Sounds like hes waiting on others.

When we do on calls we don't always know til the day if we'll have to go in.

@Stichintime and @JSL52 yep I totally get that. It's more that he's not really making it clear if that's the issue or not. And he's quite senior now so there are probably only one or 2 others to liaise with on it.

My gut is that he's being deliberately a bit difficult, probably because he finds my questions about it annoying (he doesn't like planning - he finds it hard poor baby).

But why do you need to know? Would it make a practical difference, ie you want to invite someone around for a coffee?

Is there any chance he’s seeing someone and not sure if he will/won’t see them tomorrow ?
If not, he’s being a dick. Surely as a couple you discuss this stuff.

@layladomino

But why do you need to know? Would it make a practical difference, ie you want to invite someone around for a coffee?

See that's the thing I guess I'm asking. A part of me thinks I am being controlling/hard work about it. I guess I just like to know what's going on! I don't like there not being a plan.

I dont know hour to hour what I’m going to be doing when I’m on call.
There’s also a lot of technically i don’t have to do something but it may look bad if I don’t go in for example but then it may turn out that it’s completely acceptable later on to not go in when I get more info/the day changes. Which I imagine could look weird in your position.
I tell DH to assume I won’t be around. We make plans accordingly. Then if I am around it’s a bonus. Or I try to guess what’s most likely and tell him that, But I get it wrong often so that makes me feel bad. Sometimes it’s best to say nothing at all.
I do my best for the family and Dh knows this. Because he knows I’ll always do what ever I can for us, and tell him anything I actually know he can then just accept that it’s the nature of my job, and that’s how we pay half our bills.

I do imagine if we were struggling it would be an added stresser though. Maybe he feels a pressure to not give you the wrong answer, or that if he commits to a yes or no and then it changes you’ll get mad.

“But why do you need to know? Would it make a practical difference, ie you want to invite someone around for a coffee?”

This. There may be all kinds of ways in which he’s behaving badly but this doesn’t appear particularly sinister to me. It’s your shared home so surely he’s entitled to be there or not there without confirming to you. Obviously it’s different if you’re planning childcare around each other but he’s on call anyway so presumably it not about wanting him to look after children. I work mainly from home but occasionally fyi the office but would be a bit surprised if my DH started demanding to know precisely what my movements would be.

“I do imagine if we were struggling it would be an added stresser though. Maybe he feels a pressure to not give you the wrong answer, or that if he commits to a yes or no and then it changes you’ll get mad.”

This is very fair. I think the fact that it bugs you so much is chiefly a reflection of the state of your relationship and the fact you’re not getting on generally.

But isn't it normal to tell your partner if you're going to be out?

@GoodnightGrandma

Is there any chance he’s seeing someone and not sure if he will/won’t see them tomorrow ? If not, he’s being a dick. Surely as a couple you discuss this stuff.

Yep I think it's just normal family/couple conversation to know roughly what the plan is. I don't need every last detail - I'm not trying to micro manage it down to the last minute, just "I'll be in the office for my on call for next 2 days" or whatever.

I really doubt he's seeing someone else but it's always possible. If he is she must be either a) more disorganised than him or b) more frustrated with him than me 🤣

For me, it would be extremely aggravating not to know, because it impacts on meal planning, shopping, and planning my week. It's common sense and courtesy.

At the beginning of the weekend, I find out DH's evening meeting calls, when he plans to go into the office, and DD's shifts for her job - it makes everyone's life a lot easier!

@Dery

“I do imagine if we were struggling it would be an added stresser though. Maybe he feels a pressure to not give you the wrong answer, or that if he commits to a yes or no and then it changes you’ll get mad.”

This is very fair. I think the fact that it bugs you so much is chiefly a reflection of the state of your relationship and the fact you’re not getting on generally.

Yes agree. It's probably a symptom of the underlying issues.

I really don't think there is anything sinister going on - I think he's being obtuse to be slightly irritating as he's probably as pissed off as me about the state of things.

To be clear though - I am not demanding to know precisely what his movements are - just a general idea of whether he's going to be here or not.

Maybe it's resentment on my part as the nature of his job means that I don't have the same freedom to play things by ear. A lot of the I can't just decide to go somewhere at the drop of a hat and I always need to plan stuff around his shifts etc.

[quote scaredsadandstuck]**@Stichintime* and @JSL52* yep I totally get that. It's more that he's not really making it clear if that's the issue or not. And he's quite senior now so there are probably only one or 2 others to liaise with on it.

My gut is that he's being deliberately a bit difficult, probably because he finds my questions about it annoying (he doesn't like planning - he finds it hard poor baby).[/quote]
Understand, but sometimes you can't plan especially on calls.
Although I understand you're annoyed.

I'd be annoyed too. Just because I like a bit of time to myself at home. If my DH was working from home I might make plans to go out. If he's going to go to the office I'd rather make use of that precious alone time but I wouldn't be able to cancel plans.

@Christmasismyoyster

I dont know hour to hour what I’m going to be doing when I’m on call. There’s also a lot of technically i don’t have to do something but it may look bad if I don’t go in for example but then it may turn out that it’s completely acceptable later on to not go in when I get more info/the day changes. Which I imagine could look weird in your position. I tell DH to assume I won’t be around. We make plans accordingly. Then if I am around it’s a bonus. Or I try to guess what’s most likely and tell him that, But I get it wrong often so that makes me feel bad. Sometimes it’s best to say nothing at all. I do my best for the family and Dh knows this. Because he knows I’ll always do what ever I can for us, and tell him anything I actually know he can then just accept that it’s the nature of my job, and that’s how we pay half our bills.

I do imagine if we were struggling it would be an added stresser though. Maybe he feels a pressure to not give you the wrong answer, or that if he commits to a yes or no and then it changes you’ll get mad.

I totally get this and completely understand that being on call is quite stressful because of the uncertainty (and the whole "don't technically have to do this but looks bad if I don't" resonates). I do have a lot of admiration for it, as you can tell it drives me a bit nuts just being married to someone who does it - I couldn't do it myself!

I'm with your dh tbh.
I'm not sure why you would need to know.
You know he is working, so he isn't available for your plans, whatever they might be. I would infer that the fact you say "on call" means that he has to respond to whatever evolves during those 48 hours, so even if he currently thinks he might be wfh at the moment, something could happen that means he needs to go in (or to site or wherever he needs to go). I presume at that point, he'll shout that he's off to the office / factory / site / emergency at that point. However, I can't see that it makes any difference to you and your plans as he is working anyway.
So I think YABU, and agree with pp who said if your relationship is very broken anyway, then a) you "nagging" him about something he can't be sure about at this stage anyway, is incredibly irritating, and b) him being irritated with you over what you perceive as being a reasonable question is annoying you - this isn't the issue at all, but once the relationship is broken, then everything the other person does is irritating.

I think the thing is though, I am super aware and appreciative of everything DH does to make up for my uncertainty and lack of reliability
I am apologetic when I don’t know the answer to questions for schedules or when my plans change 5 times in a day, I notice the effect it has on him
He in turn knows how stressful it is to me to not know what I’m doing day to day and that I can miss out on things or struggle to plan, if I feel guilty for being unreliable or letting him down etc. And that it’s my job it’s how we pay the bills so it’s out of my hands for now!

It doesn’t sound like either of you are appreciating it from the other side, Or trying to make it easier on each other.

Does he have an office at home or is in the dining room? If he has an office I really don’t think it matters at all. If it’s the latter then I can see why it would be annoying.

I often don’t know what I’m doing day to day though with being in or at home. I must drive my childminder mad (DD only goes if I’m in the office, I drop her myself if WFH but still pay regardless).

If he can’t tell you his plans, then switch it up and say, I’m just letting you know x is coming for a coffee on Tuesday at 12, make sure you work plans fit around that.

It's strange that he won't tell you - but I don't see it changes anything. If he's at work (whether at home or out the house) he's not available to you and DC so does it really matter where he is?

However, I don't really see this as the major issue - surely if you no longer want to be with him whether he is in or our the house is neither here nor there?

You know he is working. So you know he can't be disturbed. Shouldn't matter if he is in his office working or at home (as long as he has a room to work from).

Just do you own thing with the kids

Where does he work from if he is at home, OP? Is he out of the way?

Sorry that you're having such a difficult time - I can imagine that's tough going.

I'd work on the assumption he won't be around unless he actually says he will be and go about my day as though he wasn't there.

I know it's hard to take that step but there's no point hanging on by your fingernails. You already know it's over. If you mentally separate it may be easier to physically separate