AIBU - Husband won't tell me his plans

[scaredsadandstuck]

For context our marriage is on its knees. If we last another year it will be a miracle (we haven't talked about it, but I want to separate, I'm pretty sure he doesn't). Anyway, H has a job working shifts, sometimes he can do his job from home, sometimes he needs to be at his place of work. The criteria for when he needs to be at work and when he can be at home seem opaque (to me at least - maybe not him). He's due to be on call for 48hrs from tomorrow morning. He can't/won't tell me if he's going to be physically at his place of work or at home. He is vague about it: he's not sure, he needs to look into it to see who else is around, maybe he'll go, maybe he won't, maybe he'll go for some of it. AIBU to want to know what his plans are? Do I sound like hard work? Or is it basic courtesy/ good communication to tell your partner when you will and won't be home? Obviously I think the latter. If it makes a difference we have two kids - one older primary age and one early teens.

Your questioning may well lead him to think you are seeing someone else and want him out.

Are you?

He's on call, how can he know when or if he needs to go in ahead of time?

I think you are perhaps making this mountain out of a molehill because of how you are generally feeling about the marriage.

If you want to make plans without him then do it.

DH sometimes works from home and sometimes works on location. As long as I know his working hours then it's up to him to manage his working day.

Sometimes I think people think a partner WFH means they can conveniently expect house jobs to be done, or children to be entertained, or the WFH can 'just' do A,B,C. Other times it seems people get irritated at a partner WFH because they don't want their partner around during the day.

If he's on call then he's on call and I wouldn't factor him into your plans or family plans.

@TheReluctantPhoenix

Your questioning may well lead him to think you are seeing someone else and want him out.

Are you?

It has occurred to me that he'd think that! But no, I'm not.

It would piss me off too OP. Fine to say "I plan to go in the office in the morning but I may end up coming home early if it's quiet" or similar, but to deliberately be evasive is annoying.

What it sounds like is a marriage completely and utterly dead. Over. Done.
It’s now in the nasty territory

Before the atmosphere at home for the children becomes truly intolerable OP, start getting the wheels in motion for a divorce

I'd stop asking him and just make plans as you want.

If he's working in the middle of your living room and disrupting everyday life, then I can see why you'd need to know. But if he works in a separate room, what does it matter if he's at home or not? I hate having to account for where I'm going to be all the time. I'm much happier being flexible. So if my spouse kept pushing me on it, I'd just be even more vague to frustrate them.

Can you just assume he is going to be out of the house during his shifts? And then just plan around that? Or would that create different problems (e.g. he eats the leftovers you were planning to have for lunch, works in a room you need to go into for housework, thus messing up your cleaning schedule, insists on absolute quiet so you can never plan your vaccuuming, I am totally not saying my husband does any of these things ).

If the problem is that his shiftwork places an extra burden on to you that it doesn't place on him, then you might not be able to change how he manages his shifts, but you could maybe "exchange" a privilege so that it feels more balanced and less like you are being dragged around as if you were his rag doll. For example maybe you could get a cleaner or send the ironing out to be done by someone else. I think feeling as if the two partners in the marriage are not sharing the burden equally, is what feels so blah. It's not the absolute value of "blah-ness" itself that's so disheartening. If you are both in the same boat then you can deal with it. It's when you feel like you're being treated like the less important partner, that's when it gets miserable.

DH is back to working from home now but had been going in part time. I am always at home, he would tell me what his plans are but if he couldn’t because he “had to see who else was in” or whatever, that is a good enough explanation for me. It doesn’t impact my day whether he is at home or not really. So seems a bit of fuss over not much.

If you're clear that the marriage is over (which you appear to be) but haven't said the words to him yet, it's more likely that he's suspicious of you and your reasons for wanting to know if he's out of the house or not.

Stop messing him around and he'll likely be less of an annoyance because at least then he'll know where he stands, rather than having an idea that you're planning something, don't like him at all and now seem to be very keen on having him out of the house.

Your husband sounds like a petulant teenager. How grossly unattractive.

Why are you that bothered if you are going to be leaving him? Keep it as a record for the divorce.

He may be acting awkward because you want to know. I'm assuming that you'd prefer him to go out so assume he's not then if he does, you can be happy.

He sounds immature and childish. Just stop snaking him. Make your own plans and if he misses out, then that's on him.

@layladomino

But why do you need to know? Would it make a practical difference, ie you want to invite someone around for a coffee?

OP can't make any plans to do anything at all if she is presumed to be default parent rather than her husband seeing them as a team of two equally responsible adults who need to plan their time openly so arrangements for childcare and chores can be made sensibly and fairly.

If he never lets her know when his shifts / social stuff will be, she will presumably have to ensure she's available for all childcare / chore related stuff that needs to be done in case he isn't around.

He's being a dick:

@youvegottenminuteslynn but unless I've misunderstood, OP knows he's unavailable and working, just not the location he's working from. Therefore there shouldn't be any childcare to plan. It's assumed he's not around.

I don't expect my DH to tell me if he's going to be WFH or in the office each day and I don't tell him. I mean I might mention it if it means I'm going to be back late and there's another knock on effect (like impact to dinner) but if I'm going to be back without impacting him I would probably only mention it on the morning I'm going in. But he doesn't see me when I work from home anyway as I'm in my office, so it makes no difference to him, and vice versa.

Thanks for all the responses. Those of you saying get divorced are right - we should. Those of you saying that I just need to forgot about what he's doing and plan regardless are right too. Yes it's also true I would rather he wasn't here - I'm much more relaxed, happier and nicer to my lovely kids when he isn't. And I agree with those of you who said he's being childish and not seeing the impact on me.

And the impact on your children OP

[quote cloudchaos]@youvegottenminuteslynn but unless I've misunderstood, OP knows he's unavailable and working, just not the location he's working from. Therefore there shouldn't be any childcare to plan. It's assumed he's not around.

I don't expect my DH to tell me if he's going to be WFH or in the office each day and I don't tell him. I mean I might mention it if it means I'm going to be back late and there's another knock on effect (like impact to dinner) but if I'm going to be back without impacting him I would probably only mention it on the morning I'm going in. But he doesn't see me when I work from home anyway as I'm in my office, so it makes no difference to him, and vice versa. [/quote]
Ah ok in that case I've misunderstood I think!

OP,

Get your paperwork organised and see a solicitor.

Your marriage is clearly over.

It is very normal to have this type of conversation.