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Original poster

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36 replies

Bee2728 · 28/12/2021 10:58

Hi, I’m 51 newly divorced and in relationship with a 57 yr old man. Everything is great except I have found that he follows hundreds of Instagram account of girls, many aged 18-27, and sends likes to their pictures. Is this something that is acceptable now in the digital age. It makes me very uncomfortable but I don’t know what to do about it.

OP posts:
snapsieplopp · 28/12/2021 11:09

Personally I wouldn't like it, he's way too old for one. Yuck

snapsieplopp · 28/12/2021 11:10

Just ask don't you think it's sad & perverted to be liking young girls photos?

InFiveMins · 28/12/2021 11:15

It's weird and would be a major red flag for me. I wouldn't be comfortable with it at all. Pervy.

WatieKatie · 28/12/2021 11:16

He needs to go OP.

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 28/12/2021 11:21

To me this is the equivalent of him winking at a random woman in the street because he fancies her. Very disrespectful and it would be a dealbreaker (and I speak from experience) for me.

BornIn78 · 28/12/2021 11:22

Ugh, another creepy letch.

Social media just helps to make it a lot easier to spot them a lot earlier.

Didimum · 28/12/2021 11:24

If YOU don’t like it then it isn’t OK. It’s perfectly acceptable to have a boundary like this. I would have too.

sunnyzweibrucken · 28/12/2021 11:25

Yuck. I have a male friend who is 50 that’s always looking at instagram pics of women at least 20 yrs younger than him. It really makes me think differently of him.

LetsGoThenSanta · 28/12/2021 11:31

I wouldn't like this at all. If they were his relatives, like grandchildren etc then it's a little different. But hundreds of random girls? He's 57 and they're 18- early 20's?
I really wouldn't like this.

fortifiedwithtea · 28/12/2021 11:39

Yuck, bin him. My dd2 was plagued by creeps like this. She had her settings on private. Her sport is ice skating, they compete in skirted leotards . I put in her bio, this account is watched by mum. I was constantly deleting and blocking friend requests.

So we changed her profile picture to a particularly ugly photo of family dog. That helped a lot. Still get the odd creep. I delete every request that isn’t obviously connected to ice skating . Dd only accepts skaters she actually knows.

Most common profile for creepy guys is white middle aged (Supposedly single) gun toting Americans with either zero or a handful of posts. Very few followers but follow hundreds of accounts.

MMmomDD · 28/12/2021 11:54

If it makes you uncomfortable - leave, if it’s that important to you.
It’ll eat you up otherwise. And by the sound of it it is making you self-conscious and insecure.

Looking at it from outside perspective - it’s most likely just that he’s been single for a while. Or he is feeling insecure about getting older and losing his attractiveness.

This to me is just silly things that ageing men do. It’s not the same as leering or winking to women on the street. I am sure he’d never do that. But Internet provides an anonymous platform. And those Instagram accounts are created specifically to create that sort of male gaze traffic. So - I think in his mind - these likes are giving him a bit of confidence boost. Bit of fantasy of being still young.

Sounds like it’s a fairly new relationship?

In your place I’d see how it all develops. And at some point I’d tease him about his Instagram following.
But personally I couldn’t be bothered with caring about it. Young people are more physically attractive than older people. So - movies, TV, Internet bombards us with visuals of them.

If her as chasing young women to date - that would be a whole different thing. But he is not.

Original poster
Bee2728 · 28/12/2021 12:18

Thank you all - he doesn’t have children so I guess maybe he sees it different to a parent. He is a fantastic partner in every other way and has had his own recent losses so maybe it is his fantasy world. I have been treated badly in the past and don’t want my trust issues to follow into this relationship. This relationship stuff in your 50s is soooo hard!

OP posts:
flamedancer · 28/12/2021 12:31

I'm 42 my ex partner was 32 he couldn't help but like every 18-20 year olds bikini pics. I found it a turn off considering my daughter was 21. He had to go.

LadyExpecting93 · 28/12/2021 12:41

I had a relationship with a man (brief) who done this... it didn't last long after I found out. He was also commenting on the photos (EVERY SINGLE ONE) like he knew them personally. He deleted all the comments and removed every single like when he knew I was snooping but it was too much and damage was done. It comes across as someone who is desperate.

Sonaftersonafterson · 28/12/2021 12:49

OP don't rush into a decision.

True, a lot of men do this. If he was single for a while before you, then I don't see an issue. He likes young attractive girls. That doesn't mean he is a paedophile, most men like the visual appeal of young women. Come on. We know this. He "liked" the pics. And?

If he was in a relationship, fine, it's out of line. If he wasn't, give him a break. He isn't commenting? Just a click because he liked the pic. I'm 43 and I will quite happily admit that the body of a lad in his 20s is gorgeous!!! Doesnt mean I want to have sex with my son of a similar age for fucks sake

How long have you been together? He should stop now he is in a relationship but if this was before you, drop it if he is lovely in every other way.

Original poster
Bee2728 · 28/12/2021 12:54

We have been together 9months - it was happening before and he is still liking pics now ….

OP posts:
dancemom · 28/12/2021 12:57

Sleazy.

Tomatobear · 28/12/2021 13:25

Eww no thanks. Next. There are better, less paedo-esque options out there!

DoleWhipFloat · 28/12/2021 13:28

It’s a bit gross. Well, it’s a lot gross.

When Instagram first made its appearance my husband joined as did I. I noticed that he started to follow some celebrity accounts of women who posted photos of them selves mostly half naked.
I told him that he could follow as many women as he liked, but I wouldn’t be sticking around to see who. He deleted them all immediately and that was the end of that. I have a very low tolerance for sleaze.

MMmomDD · 28/12/2021 13:49

Have you asked him? Or even mentioned to him that it bothers you?
I would guess that he doesn’t realise it’s an issue. And I am guessing he doesn’t know or care about what you look at online.
At 9mo into a relationship - I am guessing you don’t yet live together. And he is used to spending a lot of time by himself. I am also guessing that it’s a bit of distraction and a time fill for him.
Try talking to him. See what he says. If he likes you and the relationship is important to him - he’ll easily drop it.

However, OP - as we age we have to make peace with that. You seem to feel insecure because he finds young women attractive.

If he doesn’t click on the pictures - that won’t change. It’s natural. But it doesn’t mean he feels any less attracted to you.
Just have a scroll of some Sexiest Men Alive - and see that finding them attractive doesn’t change your desire for your partner.

TheTrinity · 28/12/2021 14:36

I would never be comfortable with this. Have you talked to him about it in a calm way? It's never too early or too late to establish what is unacceptable behaviour with each other. I'm quite a direct person and actually made an 'appointment' early on in our relationship to talk to my then bf about social media and learn about his and share my own view point and approach. If your man is 'leering' then it being the digital age doesn't make it ok.

Original poster
Bee2728 · 28/12/2021 15:59

I guess an uncomfortable conversation will have to take place ….. thank you all for your help …. Just wish it was all a bit easier to navigate!

OP posts:
QuestionNumberOne · 28/12/2021 16:01

He may try to turn it back on you: you’re a prude. You’re being controlling. It’s harmless.

So then you will know the sleazy idiot is not for you. Go into the conversation with some emotional armour on.

Original poster
Bee2728 · 28/12/2021 16:03

That is something I have thought about but if he does that I guess it shows he’s not interested in my feelings

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 28/12/2021 16:19

You should have the conversation. And you also should be prepared to admit your insecurities.
Because part of what you are going to be asking him is somewhat controlling. And it it routed in your insecurities.
But the question is - does he accept those as valid reasons to change his behaviour.
This is what relationships are about - accepting and compromising. Even if some things our partners ask us - are harmless in our opinion.

Thing is - you also need to be clear and honest with yourself. What are you going to be asking him? - not liking those pictures, or not even looking? And how far are you going to be going into checking it.
And - no one has mentioned the p-word. But I am guessing you’d also be uncomfortable with him watching it. As it’ll bound to be younger women there too.
Are you going to be raising that as well?
This conversation may open up a lot issues with boundaries that probably need to be discussed.

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