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Original poster

Complete head mash

27 replies

Downandfrustrated · 28/12/2021 09:44

I am really sorry in advance this may be long.
I have been with my partner nearly 2 year, I am use to parents living with me in my home. Me and my first sons dad was married and then My youngest dad moved into my house. We both have had bad experiences with our ex's cheating and putting us into debt. My partner was living in a two bedroom flat (his daughters visit every Sunday and Monday.) me and my kids in the end have been staying pibabky 5 nights a week at his. We have dinner at my house (he works until 10pm) and bath and in pjs then literally go over to sleep. They sleep in his daughters room when they aren't there when they are we make up beds. I have to drive 20 minutes to get there: anyways.. he has now bought a 4 bed house so his kids have w room each and their is a guest room which my kids stay in. I have literally helped with the house move, done a majority in my own in the end as he's just been diagnosed with a groin hernia. Now though although I still have a key when it comes to Sunday and we are leaving to stay at my house and I'm like I will see you when,, he's just like I'll check my work rota and what's happening with work and things. I just don't know if I am perhaps being paranoid. He is also saying he wants help with the fuel costs extra for the house: but I am the one who drives to his house; I shower at his sometimes but I cook my kids tea and do their baths at my house. I obviously can't afford to run my house and the extra fuel to see him plus also give him money. He has a well paid job extra bu my he's saying his costs have gone up. But do have mine. We can't afford for me to move in as my wages wouldn't cover what I would need to pay towards the bills let alone then the stuff my kids need: I also need the stability of my house for my kids.

Christmas my kids went to their dads, he didn't have his kids so we went good shopping. I had £45 in vouchers I had saved from Tesco so I spent that and the rest of the shopping was £80 so he started to whinge when I went ti take some of the bits back ti mine so I sent him money towards the £80! I was meant ti pick the kids up at 4.30 Boxing Day so would have had Christmas lunch with him and his girls Boxing Day before getting my kids. However I had to collect one early. So I spent all this money on food for what. As I didn't take my son back because his kids were doing presents abs thungs and I would have felt horrid my son watching. He's now whinging that he thought Christmas would be different this year and he wouldn't have just been him and his girls yet he never said to go back with my son once they have opened presents.

My birthday he didn't come over as it's like a £50 taxi ride when he finished, I threw my toys out the Pram and said I don't want to celebrate anymore so quite literally we never did. I knew the gifts he bought me (as he hit them in Disney) but never gave them to me.. abs then for Christmas gave me other bits instead of these items from Disney. We have had his birthday and I spent hundreds, as bought bite over the year, took him out for a meal with his kids, am I just wasting my time or am I expecting too much. He's the type of dad though who although has the money too only spends £50 on the kids Christmas and is nothing extravagant because he feels they don't need it and it's a waste: he's very frugal et times. So him buying me one main present and a couple little things I y ferstand couke just be the way he does things.

He's also got me onto fetlife and I have been talkimh to someone in there who can seem to offer me what I want, without even me saying the things I look for in a relationship. I just don't know whether this is swaying my judgment or what.

I like to live with someone, I like their full attention, I just don't quite get why he's keeping me distant atm: I have a key to the house and he always rings me when he's on his way home and sends me photos that he's in his own, as I freak out due to my ex. And he knows how that all feels too.

My head feels a mess, I am meant to be his Domme etc but all that is just out the window right now because I just don't know where I fit in anymore. I feel he has this house and everything has changed and I don't like it: I hate not feeling as wanted anymore x

OP posts:
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 09:54

It sounds like it's not working out and that is OK x

Aprilx · 28/12/2021 10:28

Your post is quite hard to understand and I don’t know if I got the full story. But what comes through is that this just isn’t working, I would call it a day.

ilssagain · 28/12/2021 12:14

It's very long and difficult to read.
I never thought I'd use this phrase but "Give your head a wobble"
Fucking hell - you have two children. They are your most important responsibility.
What kind of life is this? They get fed and baths at their own home and instead of sleeping in their own beds in their own home, they are carted over to some bloke's house where they sleep either in his kids' beds or on makeshift beds of some description, while you (presumably) shag said bloke who has got you on to "Fetlife" and you've met someone on there who might be a better bet.
On top of that you're forking out money for food for this fucker, most of which you don't get to eat. Now he wants money towards bills because you're staying over several nights a week and you can't afford that on top of running your own home and paying for the fuel to drive there.

Fucking hell.

You should stop this nonsense immediately. Your children need to be in their own home and to have the stability there (as you do mention once in your post). End this relationship and concentrate on your children and their needs.
Your behaviour is completely irresponsible.
And this "relationship" is going nowhere. He's only interested in the sex. If it was anything more serious there would have been discussions about possibly moving in when he bought the new house. And just because your kids can now sleep in the guest room it does not mean that this is an acceptable arrangement.
I still can't get over the fact you feed and bathe your kids at your place and drive them to his in their pjs. Absolutely ludicrous.

Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 28/12/2021 12:25

We couldn't afford for me to move in yet, talked about in a few years I would once I can work more hours and earn more. I am restricted to school hours due to childcare, and I wouldn't receive any form of financial
Help if we lived together due to his wage. But they don't take into account the maintenance he had to pay.

Durn lockdown he stayed with us the majority of the time but now with thungs reopen we started to stay at his due to his work hours. I think my issue is I expect too much from people xx

OP posts:
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 12:44

Your kids need stability I don't think he can give it to them

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 12:45

Durn lockdown he stayed with us the majority of the time but now with thungs reopen we started to stay at his due to his work hours so are you living together but without formally living together? I'd just reign it in a bit and focus on your kids.

Ovenaffray · 28/12/2021 12:48

Jesus what a mess.

Get off fetlife and concentrate on your own kids please.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/12/2021 13:37

Your issue isn’t that you expect too much, it’s that you appear so desperate for a man in your life that you’re willing to accept any old shit from anyone who gives you the time of day - whether that be this man you’re messing around with or the new one who’s thrown you some scraps of attention on Fetlife - and are also willing to drag your poor DC from pillar to post in getting what you want.

Dump this man. Get therapy. Be single. Work on your boundaries. Put your DC first. Learn to recognise what a healthy relationship looks like.

GrazingSheep · 28/12/2021 13:44

Your poor children
Is there anyone else they can live with until you sort yourself out ??

JSL52 · 28/12/2021 14:36

Your poor kids.

Owlink · 28/12/2021 15:08

Just take in this one idea: put your children first.

Ovenaffray · 28/12/2021 15:34

I thought from your previous post it was your partner’s mother was buying the house and if it was just him there was only charging him half rent but if you moved in she was going to be charging full rent of £900 a month?

Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 28/12/2021 15:50

@Ovenaffray
So the house was £260,000.. he had £60000 he has put straight into the house which was always hidden away from the woman he is divorcing: his mother has bought the house and as soon as his divorce is finalised he will be buying it off his mother. She is technically renting it to him until he then buys it off her. So if he is on his own in the house she will charge him the £450 but if I was to move in she would charge £900 per month rent and then it'll be expected we both buy it off her. All such a complicated way: if I was him I would have done the divorce then bought the house straight away into his name. I get he wanted to move out the flat but he has had 3.5 years to file for divorce: but waiting for the wife to file so then can try to claim back the debts she left him and it'll be easier on record to show she left due to adultery. We saw he bought the house as it's just easier and technically it's still his either way cx

OP posts:
SailingNotSurfing · 28/12/2021 15:50

Stop putting your sex life above your children's stability and happiness.

End this charade of a relationship and concentrate on making positive, happy memories with your little boys.

I'm not saying deny yourself a love life, but there must be a man out there who isn't going to treat you like some kind of sexual commodity.

Ovenaffray · 28/12/2021 16:27

His hiding of that amount of money won’t be well looked on by the family court.

Ovenaffray · 28/12/2021 16:28

And it is not easier on record to show she left due to adultery. The courts do not give a shit.

Nosnowthisyear · 28/12/2021 17:27

It’s a complete head mash reading that, let alone living it.

Bananalanacake · 28/12/2021 17:28

Why can't you have a relationship with him without living with him.

Ovenaffray · 28/12/2021 17:31

I’m not quite sure what “we saw” in your last sentence means but technically I’d his mother bought the house and her name is on the deeds, it’s her house.

Your posts are quite hard to follow. Apologies.

Ovenaffray · 28/12/2021 17:32

*if

Ovenaffray · 28/12/2021 17:38

Also this is a man who, by your own account, has been dishonest and hidden a large sum of money from a previous wife.

Why the fuck would you trust him?

Shallysally · 28/12/2021 17:38

It all sounds like very hard work OP. I couldn’t be bothered with his pettiness over money, if he is like this now, how will he be if you live together?
Would he be controlling what you spend?

Also, you need to work on your confidence and assertiveness. It’s no good saying that he didn’t ask you to go back when his DC’s had opened their gifts, sometimes it has to come from you to make the suggestion.

I’m not surprised your head is mashed, take some time out to regroup.

CPL593H · 28/12/2021 19:36

I think you are confusing "domme" with "doormat". Your poor kids.

Calamitydrayne · 28/12/2021 19:44

@TinyLittlePandaSneeze

Your kids need stability I don't think he can give it to them
Doesn't sound like their mother can either.
LUCCCY · 29/12/2021 09:02

You take your kids to sleep in another mans house 5 nights a week? You seem a bit too invested in him and not your children. Confused