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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H has every short temper - normal?

43 replies

Mc3209 · 28/12/2021 09:01

NC for this, and apologies, this will be long. I can't see the wood for the trees and I would appreciate some outside perspective.

Background: we have been married 2 years, together for 6. DH is 10 years older, we both work full time in high pressure jobs, I do more out of hours/weekend work on top of normal 8-5. We have DS who is 14 months, I wanted the baby more than he did, he just kind of compromised to appease me. My son is the best thing that has happened to me, he is in nursery full time and I do 95% of childcare outside of nursery.

DH always had a shorter fuse than me, he is highly strung and gets wound up about the most trivial of things. Think throwing a temper tantrum when taking out recycling, or trying to complete an online form and autocorrect gets in the way, or TV remote not doing its thing for whatever reason. He swears, throws things (but hasn't broken anything yet), occasionally even sort of jumping up and down in rage. This is a grown man in his 40s. He does it in front of our son too. Sometimes he gets annoyed when DS wakes in the night (we cosleep, that's the only way we can get sleep at night) and I have to tell DH to cut it out. I deal with all night wake ups, but because DS is in our bed, sometimes it wakes DH.

He is getting more critical of me too. My driving, my cooking, some of my opinions. Just as an example, he criticises me for letting my 14 months old DS feed himself (and create a mess in a process as little children do). Apparently I am following a fad and should be spoon feeding only to avoid mess. He doesn't have experience or educational background to back up his childrearing controversial views. He thinks he is a god's gift to humanity and everyone else are plebs.

He is workaholic and would prioritise work over anything. We have a cleaner coming once a week, and I do in between tidy up/laundry/quick hoover/mop. He cooks about 3-4 days a week and occasionally sorts out the dishwasher.

I am tired of constant tantrums and swearing from a grown man, even though they are not really directed at me. It doesn't set a good example to our son. What worries me is that gets irritable with DS, and although he doesn't really spend one on one time with him much (only when I am working out of hours/weekends), I don't want him to have a go at a young toddler for doing normal toddler things.

He does have good qualities. He is loyal, he is very good with our joint account finances (we each have our own in addition to the joint pot), he has a good sense of humour when he is calm.

I don't even know what exactly I am asking here, but would be very grateful for your opinions. Normal/not normal?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mc3209 · 28/12/2021 09:02

Oops, NC fail.

OP posts:

BuddhaAtSea · 28/12/2021 09:04

No, it’s not normal. I would be out like a shot.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2021 09:04

He is an appalling example of a man for your child. Don't raise your baby in such a dysfunctional, abusive environment.

Gooders1105 · 28/12/2021 09:05

I don’t see what is really positive about the marriage. Your pluses mentioned at the end of the post do not outweigh the huge negatives. He sounds grim.

Goinghome20 · 28/12/2021 09:08

He does sound selfish. Is he able to appreciate the impact of his mood on others?

It sounds like you are carrying all the weight of parenthood. Was it a unilateral decision to have your son? Does he actually want a family? If so, he needs to step up and be a father to his son and get some anger management support so your family atmosphere becomes more healthy.

GrazingSheep · 28/12/2021 09:12

You say you both work full time in high pressure jobs. He’s a workaholic. You do extra hours after work and at weekends.
Is work a huge pressure point ?

GrazingSheep · 28/12/2021 09:14

Was it a unilateral decision to have your son? Does he actually want a family?

He had a child to appease the op. He didn’t really want one.

thecatsinthecradle · 28/12/2021 09:19

No, not normal.
Sounds a little bit like how my DH used to be until he was diagnosed with high blood pressure. He was put on medication and honestly it has changed our lives. He's the man I married again. It may be worth checking

violetbunny · 28/12/2021 09:22

I think it's irrelevant whether or not he was ambivalent about kids. Ultimately, if he chose to have one, he should shoulder the responsibility that comes with it. And that includes not creating a negative atmosphere and modelling poor behaviour for his child.

You know deep down that this isn't a good environment to bring up a child in OP, otherwise you wouldn't be posting. I'd be having serious words and if there is no improvement, I would be out of there. It's awful behaviour and absolutely a dealbreaker.

EarthSight · 28/12/2021 09:32

He does have good qualities. He is loyal, he is very good with our joint account finances (we each have our own in addition to the joint pot), he has a good sense of humour when he is calm

Is that it? That's the bar? Fidelity and ability to sensibly manage finances are incredibly important. Having a good sense of humour helps too.

However, if these are the only good things that first come to your mind, it's not good is it? Why did you choose him? Was it whirlwind romance or did your head rule your heart and you settled because you thought he was dependable? How old were you when you met him and did you settle in order to have children?

Although it is apparently common, having children with someone who has to compromise is a mistake. In fact, there was no compromise when it comes to having a child (unless you wanted two children and he only agreed to one).

You wanted something, and you got it. He might have already known that he didn't have the temperament for children but had one anyway. Now he thinks he can leave the childcare all to you and that's fine, but it's not.

He's always had this short fuse and I'm wondering how you could have found a man like that sexually attractive. Didn't watching a grown adult lose it like that with the smallest if things turn you off? It's like watching a toddler.

The atmosphere must be pretty bad right now and he sounds like he's unhappy. I think you both need to ask yourselves how you can improve your son's environment.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2021 09:32

Did you grow up with a similar parent to your now H?. What have you learnt about relationships to date?.

How can you be helped here into leaving your (and in turn your child's) abuser?.

This is not a home for you or your child to be living in. Such men really do not respond at all positively to being told to being told what they are doing is wrong because he already knows and does not care. All he cares about is his own self.

And you are with this man because.....

happytoday73 · 28/12/2021 09:33

Honestly it all sounds very stressed and very, very busy. He just sounds ratty and unhappy with life at the moment.

Do you both get any down time at all? It really doesn't read as if either of you do.

He is a workaholic who didn't really want a child so the shift will need to be from you...(am sure will be told off for this comment) but If you want to make a change to the family dynamic this is best way.

8-5 is longer than many standard hours but then you do more on top at weekends and evenings. Why? Do you really really need the money? Can you do a different job that us standard hours or p/t?
I'm just suggesting this might release the pressure on the whole household now you have a child.
By the way... Keep the cleaner up if reduce hours... The idea is to give everyone downtime not fill that space

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2021 09:37

Animals are loyal OP and seeing a comedian on the tv would make you laugh. That's an extremely very low bar you've set for yourself right there.

He is angry at you because he is at heart abusive and not because he is angry.

I would also think that he behaves quite differently around and to people in the outside world; to an abuser you see the image of the nice family persona is all important to convey. It is behind closed doors that his true nature emerges.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2021 09:39

May I ask why you name changed for this thread?. Have you written about life with him under another name before now?.

LessTime · 28/12/2021 09:48

I don't know how old you are but can you imagine living with him for the rest of your life. You will spend you whole life walking on eggshells.
The most important thing should be the welfare of your son. If you bring him up in a home where someone is behaving like then he might end up feeling anxious all the time. What is going to happen if you husband directs his anger or frustration towards your son? What about when your son is a teen? Teens can be very annoying to anyone let alone someone with anger issues.

I'd seriously consider leaving

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/12/2021 09:53

I am 8 years on and have posted a thread on the impact this has had on my ds. Don't delay like I did.

Original poster

Mc3209 · 28/12/2021 12:40

Thank you for your insightful replies, I appreciate your honesty!

To answer your questions, I am early thirties and he is early forties. We met at work, the hours are not too bad in the reality, it's just a nature of the field we are in. There is an option of going part time, but I'd rather not take it at the moment for career reasons (I am pushing for a promotion), but I will if that's the only option.

I was always open about wanting children, he didn't have to marry me if he really didn't want them, but given I was the one driving 'children conversation' I don't mind doing most of the childcare.

Before we had a baby, I didn't notice his temper so much. I always knew he was a grumpy bastard, but wrote it off as a personality quirk. Now I need someone who doesn't throw a tantrum at a slightest inconvenience, as it is a balancing act with work and childcare, and I don't have anyone else nearby to rely on. I guess I have a much lower tolerance for that nonsense now.

My name change failed 😬 but yes, I did moan about him a bit on housekeeping threads when I was on mat leave.

OP posts:

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 28/12/2021 12:46

I’m sad for you that his good qualities include ‘good with joint finances’
I mean honestly, that’s scraping the barrel
He sounds like a grumpy bastard with anger management issues and he either needs to shape up or fuck off

PersonaNonGarter · 28/12/2021 12:50

He’s a knob though.

So depressing to keep reading threads like this. You are clearly and intelligent professional woman yet you have taken on all this work and he still gets to be a dick to you on the grounds that ‘he has a short fuse’. What kind of DCs are we raising to think this is ok?

I am a lawyer. I watch other female lawyers taking this stuff on just as you do, OP. It’s crazy. You need to get out and meet someone better.

moremoony · 28/12/2021 12:54

It’s just not liveable is it? You get to decide how you want your life to look. As he gets older the criticism and tantrums aren’t going to improve. I’ve got one like this and my kids are older and it’s a shit life. He dictates the mood of the house. I’ve lost my spark due to the eggshell treading of never knowing when a foul verbal tirade will come out of his mouth. He thinks he’s above the law in all things. I should have left him years ago when I had youth and energy on my side. I’m too old and tired to start again now. My life is over. Yours doesn’t have to be. For gods sakes get out. Get out while you can and live a peaceful anger free life. Control your own environment. Run your own happy household. You have this one chance. Don’t let him and his temper destroy you. You can do this.

CJSmith2019 · 28/12/2021 13:03

@violetbunny

I agree. A serious conversation needs to be had. A grown man jumping up and down in temper is not something anyone needs to put up with. Neither you, nor your small child. I doubt he behaves like that at work.

Monr0e · 28/12/2021 13:13

You are already teaching your DS to Salk on eggshells to appease this nasty man so he doesn't lose his temper. Telling your 14 month old to cut it out when he wakes in the night.

No, it's not normal, not even close to normal. What kind of message are you sending your dc? What kind of environment are you hoping to raise him in? One where he can't act like a normal child for fear of setting his dad off again?

mumofEandE · 28/12/2021 13:16

It will only get worse - you will be constantly walking on eggshells and, even sadder, your DS will also either a) behave like his dad b) live in fear

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 28/12/2021 13:16

I'd be out of that relationship faster than a rat down a drainpipe.

Original poster

Mc3209 · 28/12/2021 14:04

Looks like I need to make some changes. I don't want my son to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour.

@Monr0e I didn't make it clear, I was telling my DH to cut it out. I should have worded that better.

OP posts:

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