H has every short temper - normal?

[Mc3209]

NC for this, and apologies, this will be long. I can't see the wood for the trees and I would appreciate some outside perspective.

Background: we have been married 2 years, together for 6. DH is 10 years older, we both work full time in high pressure jobs, I do more out of hours/weekend work on top of normal 8-5. We have DS who is 14 months, I wanted the baby more than he did, he just kind of compromised to appease me. My son is the best thing that has happened to me, he is in nursery full time and I do 95% of childcare outside of nursery.

DH always had a shorter fuse than me, he is highly strung and gets wound up about the most trivial of things. Think throwing a temper tantrum when taking out recycling, or trying to complete an online form and autocorrect gets in the way, or TV remote not doing its thing for whatever reason. He swears, throws things (but hasn't broken anything yet), occasionally even sort of jumping up and down in rage. This is a grown man in his 40s. He does it in front of our son too. Sometimes he gets annoyed when DS wakes in the night (we cosleep, that's the only way we can get sleep at night) and I have to tell DH to cut it out. I deal with all night wake ups, but because DS is in our bed, sometimes it wakes DH.

He is getting more critical of me too. My driving, my cooking, some of my opinions. Just as an example, he criticises me for letting my 14 months old DS feed himself (and create a mess in a process as little children do). Apparently I am following a fad and should be spoon feeding only to avoid mess. He doesn't have experience or educational background to back up his childrearing controversial views. He thinks he is a god's gift to humanity and everyone else are plebs.

He is workaholic and would prioritise work over anything. We have a cleaner coming once a week, and I do in between tidy up/laundry/quick hoover/mop. He cooks about 3-4 days a week and occasionally sorts out the dishwasher.

I am tired of constant tantrums and swearing from a grown man, even though they are not really directed at me. It doesn't set a good example to our son. What worries me is that gets irritable with DS, and although he doesn't really spend one on one time with him much (only when I am working out of hours/weekends), I don't want him to have a go at a young toddler for doing normal toddler things.

He does have good qualities. He is loyal, he is very good with our joint account finances (we each have our own in addition to the joint pot), he has a good sense of humour when he is calm.

I don't even know what exactly I am asking here, but would be very grateful for your opinions. Normal/not normal?

he was a grumpy bastard, but wrote it off as a personality quirk

A mistake many, many women make. These traits often get worse, not better.

What does he feel about him losing his temper like this? If he doesn't see it as a problem then I don't think there's much you can do. Some people are so invested in the idea that everything is everybody's else's fault that they think their grumpyness is entirely justified. Even if you would hand them a pill tomorrow and say 'Take this - it will make your life easier and more enjoyable' they still wouldn't take it because being bad tempered is a part of their identity, one they are almost proud of. Some narcissists are like this.

I can see why your patience is wearing thin. You are juggling a demanding job and childcare so when you see him behave like that you must not be very impressed with what you see.

Unfortunately he sees it as a justified reaction, and I am afraid he won't change.

Thank you for all your supportive words, it has given me clarity.

No, it's not normal. His behaviour is abusive. The good points do not outweigh the very serious points. Being a grumpy bastard is not a personality quirk - it casts a very dark shadow over everyone around and it works very badly with parenthood. Why did you want to marry a grumpy bastard? Didn't you think you deserved better?

I worked with someone who had a short temper. It was awful for my mood and quite a few people commented on the same. We worked shifts and when she wasn't around it was busy but calm. When we were on shifts with her we were on edge within half an hour. She was never angry at us, just the customers but just being around her brought everyone's mood down.

Totally not normal, and his 'good qualities' really don't outweigh his shit ones. He's setting a terrible example to dd and he sounds awful. You'll be walking in eggshells round him soon, if you're not now.

I'd seriously rethink your relationship.

I wouldn't have my dd growing up thinking that this is acceptable and how she should expect to be treated by a man in the future. No matter how much I loved someone.

So you work longer hours than he does, but you still do most of the childcare and most of the housework? Does he think that's fair?

You said a couple of months ago that you desperately want another child but your other half doesn't. Please don't have another baby with this man, who is abusive. It's unfair on the children involved and they don't have a choice, whereas you do.

Does he do this at work or in front of his work colleagues or friends? If not he can control it and chooses to be this way with you and your dc

To be fair, most of the housework is done by a cleaner. I don't like mess, so I do a quick fly around to make sure house is not a complete chaos in between. DH just doesn't really care about mess, it's as if he doesn't see it, he would quite happily do without in between tidy ups.

Yes, I've resigned the idea of a second baby, not with current DH at least.

Yes, he can be short tempered at work too.

Short temper isn't necessarily a male thing, you come across as many unpleasant women. However male or female nobody should need to put up with anger or abuse.

OP,

Not normal and not acceptable.

This will be having a huge affect on your child.

He will notice and not understand.

This type of behaviour will cause anxiety and depression later on in your son.

Don't stay in this relationship.

He is neither a good husband nor a good father.

@Mc3209

Unfortunately he sees it as a justified reaction, and I am afraid he won't change.

Ok. Then he would rather live that way, live with stressing out over small things than be able to process things in a calmer way.

That's his choice. He doesn't have to see his characteristics as an issue, but you also have the right not to like them or live with that.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

I'd be out of that relationship faster than a rat down a drainpipe.

Seconded.

Even if it was just 'he thinks he is gods gift' on its own and everything else was fine, I wouldn't stay with someone like that.

What you are describing is a narcissist (npd). Which is a sidestep from sociopathy.

Get yourself out of there. Your son shouldn't grow up seeing you tolerate this shit. Or he will think it is acceptable to treat and be treated similarly.

Seriously, run.

@Mc3209

Unfortunately he sees it as a justified reaction, and I am afraid he won't change.

Yes I used to be a bit like that when I was in my 20s. my then boyfriend made it very clear that he was shocked by my tantrum. I stopped and we have been married for 37 years now. He could stop if he wanted to.

My DH used to be like this a few years ago. It took LOTS of confrontations, conversations, me nearly walking out a few times, marriage counselling and him going to therapy alone for years to get to the point where he's a completely changed man and now very very calm. It was a lot of effort and I remember at the time MN unanimously told me to LTB but I hadn't yet felt like I'd given my marriage "everything I had" before calling it. I'm glad I stayed to see it work out. And that's what it's going to take. He needs to realise he's being a dick and how it's affecting you and your son. He needs to want to change or it won't work.