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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What am I doing wrong?

44 replies

twominutesmore · 27/12/2021 19:58

Two things happened today that made me realise that there must be something wrong with me. But what?

I'm mid 40s and have been divorced for five years after a long marriage to xh, who I met at university.

I haven't tried to meet anyone else and am quite happy on my own but equally, in all of my life, nobody has ever shown any interest in me. They did at university, but not one guy since then has shown even a flicker of interest. Not when I was married, and not since.

I know I'm attractive - slim, pretty, good career, nice house, friends seem to find me funny and good company. I'm not bragging, just trying to explain that there's no obvious reason.

It's never bothered me really. First I was married and then I was happily single.

But today I met a friend in a similar situation to me and she talked about how difficult it is to fend off all the married men who come on to her. She talked to me like this must happen to me too but it doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not interested in married men but still felt a little pang of - what's wrong with me?

Then met another friend. Divorced for a year, same age, less attractive (trying to be objective for an honest response). She wasn't looking for anyone but was approached in a coffee shop and now they're happily coupled up. I'm thrilled for her and she deserves it. But in five years of many coffee shop visits that's never happened to me, or anywhere else.

I don't know why it's bothered me but it has. Maybe I'm not as happy on my own as I thought and feel jealous. Is there something wrong with me? Do I send out fuck off signals? Do I ignore or not notice if someone is interested? Something else I haven't thought of? Please be kind. XH cheated on me with a friend for years before I found out and I don't have a lot of confidence left.

OP posts:
ThesecondLEM · 27/12/2021 20:00

You are sending fuck off signals with your assessments of attractiveness and may come over as arrogant.

Original poster
twominutesmore · 27/12/2021 20:02

Maybe. But that's not something I'd ever say to anyone in real life, just here, anonymously, to describe myself accurately. Believe me, nobody would ever describe me as arrogant.

OP posts:
ThesecondLEM · 27/12/2021 20:09

I'm sorry, not very kind of me.

I wonder if it's because people register their interest differently these days. Don't most folk meet online now? So your friend very much in the minority in her coffee shop encounter.

Get thee on tinder?

Pegasussnail · 27/12/2021 20:12

You are probably not flirting.
You've been through a lot. Maybe you are closed to the idea of meeting someone so you don't actually notice men who notice you Flowers

Original poster
twominutesmore · 27/12/2021 20:14

Oh don't worry, it felt wrong when I typed it!

Yes I suppose I need to start actively looking if I have changed my mind about being on my own.

Just shocked at how many accidental encounters I heard about today. A bit jealous I suppose.

OP posts:
2022beesknees · 27/12/2021 20:14

Are you well-spoken? I mean, do you sound 'posh' to them? They might think you are out of their league.

LondonCrone · 27/12/2021 20:15

OP, you may get strange responses — there are lots of people here with lots of chips on their shoulders about women who will admit that they’re attractive. But I’m like you, I’ve never had a dick pick or a married man come on to me. My friends have. I think some people are just perceived as more ‘serious’ than other people. I can certainly appear standoffish; I’m very clear that I’ve been successful in my career. for a certain kind of person this can be off putting — why would you send a dick pick to someone you knew would block and report you for it immediately, or proposition a woman you knew would reject you? It can be lonely — I’m approached very rarely in public because I’m intimidating — but when I am it’s by men who are serious, and serious about being with me. I’m single now, trying to put myself out there more and make my interest in others clearer. Maybe try the same, you might be surprised.

Original poster
twominutesmore · 27/12/2021 20:15

@Pegasussnail

You are probably not flirting. You've been through a lot. Maybe you are closed to the idea of meeting someone so you don't actually notice men who notice you Flowers
No I don't flirt. I feel ridiculous when I try. I imagine them recoiling or wanting to escape or laughing about it afterwards.
OP posts:
2022beesknees · 27/12/2021 20:16

Do you have RBF?

Original poster
twominutesmore · 27/12/2021 20:18

@2022beesknees

Are you well-spoken? I mean, do you sound 'posh' to them? They might think you are out of their league.
I'm not sure. I've never really thought about it. I think maybe well-spoken but not posh.
OP posts:
Original poster
twominutesmore · 27/12/2021 20:19

London - I've just asked one of my (grown up) children and he said I do come across as serious and a bit standoffish so I guess that's my issue. I'm not sure how I can change really. I didn't know I was doing it!

OP posts:
Original poster
twominutesmore · 27/12/2021 20:21

@2022beesknees

Do you have RBF?
Had to google it but based on what ds just told me, maybe! He says I don't look miserable, just like I want to have a serious conversation all the time. Bugger.
OP posts:
2022beesknees · 27/12/2021 20:22

Some of the great beauties have had RBF you know. Look at Liz Taylor!

RandomMess · 27/12/2021 20:27

I think the ones hounded by married men likely have an emotional vulnerability that the predators sniff out. Be thankful you aren't needy!!

I guess perhaps you aren't oozing sex appeal/flirting. Some women just do, some don't and it's nothing to do with attractiveness.

Original poster
twominutesmore · 27/12/2021 20:39

"I guess perhaps you aren't oozing sex appeal/flirting. Some women just do, some don't and it's nothing to do with attractiveness."

No I don't ooze sex appeal or flirt. I think my friend - nice man in coffee shop friend - just always looks really friendly and approachable and fun (because she is all of those things). I don't think I'd be able to change that radically. Maybe I need to make a concerted effort or resign myself to being single - which was my preference until today, but happy friend has made me think differently now.

OP posts:
Original poster
twominutesmore · 27/12/2021 20:41

@Pegasussnail

You are probably not flirting. You've been through a lot. Maybe you are closed to the idea of meeting someone so you don't actually notice men who notice you Flowers
I think I'd be surprised if I thought someone had noticed me. I'd probably think he was talking to me for a bet. No confidence at all really. Not a great combination of personality traits when I see them written downGrin
OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/12/2021 20:43

You don't need to resign yourself to being single you are just unlikely to get approached and chatted up in coffee shop.

ProudThrilledHappy · 27/12/2021 20:44

Some people just have a very open demeanour, I have a lovely (married) friend who is frequently approached by men in public or at bars. She makes and sustains eye contact and has great posture, she laughs easily. As students my friendship used to laugh at how easily this girl made friends, she could be in a pub alone for half an hour and would end up sitting at a table with a group of strangers laughing and joking.
I on the other hand have full RBF and very rarely make friends or get approached. I hate making eye contact with strangers and if someone tried to make small talk with me I would probably be monosyllabic in return!

Squeezyhug · 27/12/2021 20:46

Could you be coming across as defensive and aloof around men due to your previous treatment by xdh ?
It’s understandable but it will be picked up on.

Robin233 · 27/12/2021 21:28

@Squeezyhug
Agreed.
I wonder if the 'unconscious' vibe you're giving out is 'keep away I'm not letting anyone hurt me again'
Which is totally understandable.
I had the whole 'vulnerability' vibe going off after my divorce and hit on by married men.

gannett · 27/12/2021 21:36

OP, reading your first post I could tell you were: serious, precise, careful in how you come across, probably more of an observer than someone who jumps headlong into social situations, probably good fun once people get to know you which can take weeks if not months or years. Something about the way you write and your logical, analytical way of thinking.

I'm similar. If I get to a pub before my friends I'll sit there with my headphones on and read my book or phone. I have total RBF when I'm in public. At parties where I don't know many people I feel extremely shy and quiet, which comes across as standoffish. When I'm on my own in a cafe I feel self-conscious and have never been approached.

Blows my mind when I'm with friends who can just roll around a pub making friends with total strangers, strike up conversations with whoever's next to them and just be so relaxed and open all the time.

Approachability and social ease have nothing to do with looks at all. I'm sure people do notice you but they assume you don't want to talk to them.

I don't think people can really change this about themselves and nor should they. It's not the way you're going to meet someone and I don't think it's the way you even want to meet someone. You'd prefer to get to know someone slowly and actually build up a relationship with them before really relaxing around them.

Original poster
twominutesmore · 28/12/2021 03:25

Thank you everyone. Lots to think about. I think you are all right - I am aloof and unapproachable. What a shame. But something of an epiphany in lots of ways and now I can at least recognise it and work on it.

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 28/12/2021 03:39

Or maybe you haven’t healed after what you’ve been through and still carry the burden.
So rather than artificially making a concerted effort to be liked/approached, perhaps spend some time really looking into why you need to be so ‘serious’ and ‘in control’.
Hugs to you, I’m sure there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, from your post you sound like someone who’s company I’d love :)

Mermaidwaves · 28/12/2021 05:45

OP I'm the same! I never get approached. I'm the last girl picked to dance, the one left standing on my own at parties.

I'm very self conscious, convinced men would be chatting me up for a joke and I've heard about the disgusting 'pull a pig' game from male colleagues Angry and I'm convinced I would be the target of that. So I know I must be giving off pretty unapproachable vibes. It's like a vicious circle though and hard to break my mindset.

I reckon the right fella will appreciate your vibes though when you meet him.

gannett · 28/12/2021 08:01

@twominutesmore

Thank you everyone. Lots to think about. I think you are all right - I am aloof and unapproachable. What a shame. But something of an epiphany in lots of ways and now I can at least recognise it and work on it.
You shouldn't feel like you need to work on it! It's not something that's wrong with you, it's just how you are.

I'm a thousand times more at ease socially now than I was in my 20s, but that making-friends-with-strangers thing will never come naturally to me and I don't force it.

If you want to meet people/men, think about how to do it on your terms and in ways you feel comfortable with.

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