What am I doing wrong?

[twominutesmore]

Two things happened today that made me realise that there must be something wrong with me. But what?

I'm mid 40s and have been divorced for five years after a long marriage to xh, who I met at university.

I haven't tried to meet anyone else and am quite happy on my own but equally, in all of my life, nobody has ever shown any interest in me. They did at university, but not one guy since then has shown even a flicker of interest. Not when I was married, and not since.

I know I'm attractive - slim, pretty, good career, nice house, friends seem to find me funny and good company. I'm not bragging, just trying to explain that there's no obvious reason.

It's never bothered me really. First I was married and then I was happily single.

But today I met a friend in a similar situation to me and she talked about how difficult it is to fend off all the married men who come on to her. She talked to me like this must happen to me too but it doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not interested in married men but still felt a little pang of - what's wrong with me?

Then met another friend. Divorced for a year, same age, less attractive (trying to be objective for an honest response). She wasn't looking for anyone but was approached in a coffee shop and now they're happily coupled up. I'm thrilled for her and she deserves it. But in five years of many coffee shop visits that's never happened to me, or anywhere else.

I don't know why it's bothered me but it has. Maybe I'm not as happy on my own as I thought and feel jealous. Is there something wrong with me? Do I send out fuck off signals? Do I ignore or not notice if someone is interested? Something else I haven't thought of? Please be kind. XH cheated on me with a friend for years before I found out and I don't have a lot of confidence left.

Not wanting to piss off all of MN, but as an old old woman now I think I can say it. I was absolutely stunning in my younger years and yet I found it really difficult to attract men. I have a joke with an old friend that I could not even get laid in those days. The reason - I cannot flirt. Being beautiful will not necessarily attract men - in fact I think it might frighten them off if you are not all smiley as well.

I think your friend is the unusual one here OP! Meeting a man in a coffee shop (or similar chance encounter) is rare IMO.

This is an interesting one as I've been both.

I was single in my 30s and was a bit of a man magnet. I'd say I'm fairly attractive, slim and came in to contact with lots of men as part of my job. I laughed a lot, was friendly and a bit of a flirt. A lot of these men were married which was actually a pain as I really wanted to find a single man and get married.

Fast forward to now, I am married, a bit podgy and rarely get any interest. I'm happily married and don't come into contact with many men. Colleagues will comment on men and I'm a bit oblivious really. I went to a party not so long ago and got chatting to a married bloke about the same age as me and he clearly liked me. It was quite funny to feel like that person again!

What's your appearance like? Do you make an effort when you go out? I literally wouldn't pop to the shop without looking decent (not so much now!). I was also friendly and chatty with everyone (again not so much now!).

I hear you op and sometimes think 'what is wrong with me' having been divorced for 10 years A couple of short relationships under my belt in that time, went no further due to myself not wanting to involve any one in my children's life.
In all this time I have done old on and off, I probably go out for an actual date once an year. No one I am attracted to ever messages and I have never had any 'dick pics'
I have never been randomly approached by men in real life either.
I am not a supermodel, but would describe myself using all the adjectives you have used.
I am happily single but think there should be at least a couple of men beating a path to my door rather than a barren waste land.

Interested to hear from people who have experienced similar.

Flowers - i do make an effort with my appearance. I love fashion and shopping, hair cut and coloured every five weeks, don't leave the house without make up. I actually get lots of compliments on my appearance and regularly get told I look younger than I am.

I don't think it's my appearance really. I think I am probably aloof and standoffish. Awful to think I might come across as disinterested and unapproachable when actually I love people and chatting. I just repel men apparently

Maybe I need to try OLD. Although I can't imagine flirting without laughing, or responding to flirting without thinking he's winding me up. Think I always lacked confidence but more so since the way my marriage ended. But I suppose, if I've decided that I don't want to be alone forever, and men aren't battering my door down of their own accord, I'll have to try.

@SmallElephant

I think your friend is the unusual one here OP! Meeting a man in a coffee shop (or similar chance encounter) is rare IMO.

I know. It's like a Mills & Boon story. But she's lovely and deserves it. I wonder how many times I can engineer reaching for the same item in a supermarket as a handsome stranger before I'm equally successful.

This is a very useful thread. I’m in a similar position. Have you asked your male friends for feedback? Mine say I come across as intimidating because of my looks and dress sense. Interestingly, women very easily approach me to ask where I got a particular item of clothing or accessory. Being in C London, I’m yet to be approached by a nice man.

I was going to suggest trying old. At least your intentions are clear then

Op there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
When I was single friends were forever telling me that I would 'just meet someone.'
The scenario of sitting in a coffee shop, a handsome man comes in asks if the seat across from me is free, we get chatting, he is very awkward, he accidentally spills his coffee over my dry clean only suit. He then offers to pay for the dry cleaning. On the way we pass a nice clothing shop, we go in he picks up a yellow dress and announces that I would look wonderful in it. I reply yuck! I never wear yellow he says well I should....... The rest is history.
No never, ever happened.
Perhaps I'm writing the next Met Ryan and Tom Hanks Roncom.

I for one am certainly not going to start wearing make up to attract a man whenever I leave the house. I am usually mistaken for younger than I am and I put that down to my natural look. I have good skin, so mascara is as far as I go. I would also need to purchase a whole new wardrobe as I would describe my style as comfy casual, jeans etc.
Good luck with OLD if you decide to go down that route.

If you wanted to become less aloof (though there's nothing wrong with being so) I think you could change it through practice. Give yourself a target of talking to more strangers - say good morning on a hike, comment on the weather at the bus stop, choose the manned check-out at the supermarket and chat a little. Not with men you're interested in, just any stranger at all. Sometimes the other person is standoffish, so it goes no further, but other times they are delighted for a bit of social interaction.

Sad to say it but I never got hit on while I had black hair. I’m of Spanish descent so it suits my skin tone etc but the minute I had it dyed blonde I got shouted at in the street by a bunch of morons.

I had a lot of luck with men when I was in my 20s with very short cropped hair, but as an older woman I become invisible when it’s short!

Do your friends and you have similar hair styles?

l think most men are lazy now when it comes to dating, alot of them rely on the woman making the first move, you also find that some men who will openly approach and flirt with you, say at the supermarket, will do the same to lots of other women as well in similar situations.
l work in a supermarket and the amount of men that come in and openly flirt, then you see them at the weekends doing the family shop with the wife and its like they' re a completely different person, zero eye contact, head down, meek as a mouse. So maybe your not actually missing out on alot.

"Have you asked your male friends for feedback?"

I don't really have male friends.

"Give yourself a target of talking to more strangers."

Yes, I think I'll try this. I am usually eyes down and in my own little world I think.

"Do your friends and you have similar hair styles?"

Yes, we do actually.

"l think most men are lazy now when it comes to dating, alot of them rely on the woman making the first move,"

Oh dear. I can't imagine being brave enough for that.

Think I'm going to try OLD. I've lurked on enough threads to be very fearful and sceptical but think it's the best option. As pp have said, at least your intentions are clear.

Hi op. I've never had any problem attracting men yet one of my best friends who is absolutely gorgeous and lovely is long term single. She's shy and an introvert whereas I'm very friendly and chatty. I am also proactive in meeting people (when moving to a new area) and did OLD when I decided I wanted to start dating and in my life of work and kids there wasn't much opportunity.

My friend won't speak to strangers and won't do online dating. It would make her so uncomfortable that it would literally make her feel sick. Which is a shame but there is nothing that anyone can do. When she was younger and worked with single men, she always had offers as they got to know how she really is. She now works mostly on her own so doesn't get a chance to work with people. She doesn't like parties so no chance of her meeting men in an environment that makes her comfortable.

I’m very similar OP, I’ve never been ‘chatted up’ in real life as I’ve always been tall, bespectacled and a bit posh-sounding, plus now I’m old (59) and fat! However, OLD gave me the chance to try out the more open persona that is the real me, and I had an absolute ball. I was there for ‘sex, dinner and holidays’ as the last years of my 30 year marriage were sexless and I wanted some company only, not a full relationship. I met some extraordinary men and had some hilarious experiences. I really didn’t take it very seriously. I’ve settled down now with someone in a part-time relationship who accepts we will never live together etc. I have all my adventures without him but all my emotional recharging with him. It works for me. I never would have met him or any of the others hanging round Tescos or a coffee shop.

Momijin- yes I think I am probably very similar to your friend.

Badbaddog - I think you are living the dream actually. A part time relationship whilst living separately sounds perfect to me.

I feel inspired by all of the advice and stories here. I'm so glad I posted!

I'm not sure attracting married men is a good thing! Some people can sense emotional vulnerability/insecurity and prey on such women. Definitely do not aspire to be that.

The rest - it really is about being more extroverted or chatty, and not based on appearance. But if you're not this way inclined, you shouldn't try to change it. You'll prob just over do the friendliness and attract weirdos. Embrace your personality! One man loved it enough to marry you, you'll certainly find another.

You may have better luck in a hobby group where people can get to know you better. OLD may be a much better bet for you as everyone you'd meet in a coffee shop is also on an app.

You possibly come across as not being ‘open’ to being approached.