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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've left him. Don't know how to feel.

28 replies

gravybones · 27/12/2021 03:57

I left my partner today. We have a history of arguments which result in him being nasty and verbally abusive.

I had been building up with a bad mood, struggling to cope with Christmas. He was awful to me on Christmas morning, subjected me to a tirade of shouting and swearing before we had even opened presents. He continued to be awful to me, and to family throughout the day. Christmas Day ended with another argument, this time more my fault as I wanted to talk about what had happened that day and discuss his behaviour. He didn't want to and blamed me for bringing it up.

Boxing Day started with him being frosty with me. I tried my best to make conversation and get on with things. He blew up, blamed me again for arguing. Told me to fuck of, threw my things out of the car and told me to leave.

So I did. Then he sent me a long message apologising but saying he's sick of me criticising his behaviour. I replied that I'm afraid his behaviour is sometimes appalling and he needs to own up to that. That I needed some space to think. He replied "wrong answer. The space is permanent" told me he's packing up my stuff for me to collect and subsequently blocked me so I can't reply.

I don't know how to feel or what to do. I feel partly desperately sad at the thought of losing all that we had. And partly relieved that I no longer have to go through it any more.

OP posts:

BourbonScreams · 27/12/2021 04:12

He's trying to manipulate you. Leaving him is the right idea, in a few months the sadness will be gone and replaced by permanent relief and joy that you're free from the abuse. It'll be difficult but you were strong enough to leave, so you're strong enough to stay away. None of this is your fault. Absolute best wishes

Youaremypenguin · 27/12/2021 04:15

His behaviour is totally unacceptable and leaving him is exactly the right thing to do. Its always really hard to begin with. But you will look back and thank yourself.

BourbonScreams · 27/12/2021 04:15

Also: try looking up DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender - often victims of abuse can identify strongly with this pattern of behaviour from their partners.

Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 04:19

Thank you for replying. I woke up with an image of his face in my mind, and forgot what had happened for a moment. Then remembered and felt really sad.

I have put up with the verbal abuse for so long. But I just hoped that things would get better. He's changing jobs soon, and I hoped that the change would improve things for us.

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GiantHaystacks2021 · 27/12/2021 04:26

Yep.
You did the right thing.
Ditch him.

Holothane · 27/12/2021 04:30

Well done you’ve done the right thing.

Magenta82 · 27/12/2021 04:30

I know it is hard but I think it is for the best, a new job won't stop him being an abusive arsehole.

Have a new start in the new year. I always think it is good to spend a bit of time single, to get to know yourself and the person you are now, you will have changed since the last time you were single and will have different wants and needs. Good luck x

BourbonScreams · 27/12/2021 04:32

I understand. It's so hard as you imagine the version of him that you want him to be - loving and just a decent person, it's not much to expect. The sad fact is that he's not that and probably never will be, he's probably not even capable of it. But you haven't lost that idealised version of him because it never existed. All you can control is that he can never treat you badly like that again once you're shot of him. That's a bloody great start and once you're past the initial grieving you'll be so so much happier without him xx

Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 04:37

I do grieve for the lovely person I know he can be, and the wonderful times we did have together.

But the difficult times have outweighed the good times for quite a while now.

What I'm struggling with is the fact that this time it wasn't even that bad of an argument. We've had much worse. But it felt like the straw that broke the camels back - probably because it happened on Christmas Day. He couldn't control himself on that day of all days, couldn't just put things to one side and give me a hug

To be fair neither could I - because I was hysterical and crying. On Christmas morning

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Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 04:40

@BourbonScreams

Also: try looking up DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender - often victims of abuse can identify strongly with this pattern of behaviour from their partners.

Just read about DARVO. Yes he does this a lot. He will initially deny his behaviour and tell me it was all my fault.

Afterwards however he will reflect and own up to his behaviour and apologise. So the denial doesn't last forever, but it lasts long enough to be damaging.

He shouts, swears, calls me a liar frequently. It's exhausting

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BourbonScreams · 27/12/2021 04:45

Ah, sorry if I got some of that wrong. In my experience the abusive relationships start off so lovely, but once they know you're invested (emotionally or otherwise) they start to show their true colours.

It's exceptionally shitty to treat you and the family badly on Christmas, you're right. I'm so sorry he's such an arsehole.

Do you have family or friends you can spend some time with in the coming days? Having people around you who treat you properly might help remind you how bad things are xx

Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 04:48

I have an amazing family and friends around me. So I have lots of support.

I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I've allowed it to go on like this for so long. I've supported him and tried to help him change. He's had counselling which helped a lot, but he has given up on it and slipped back into his bad behaviour

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Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 04:49

I know I'm to blame for some of it - I have been moody, and I am critical of him. But I'm moody because I'm struggling to cope. And I criticise his behaviour because he behaves so badly towards others

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BourbonScreams · 27/12/2021 04:51

I totally understand the feeling of embarrassment I experienced the same. But try to consider how you would feel if someone you love told you this had happened to them - you'd be proud they got themselves out and glad you felt able to talk to them.

His apologising must make things much more confusing and upsetting for you (I'd wager that's what he intended) but if he was really sorry he wouldn't repeat the actions.

By the way sorry for spamming your thread, I just remember what you're going through and how hard it is xx

NdujaWannaDance · 27/12/2021 04:52

Maybe you have been over-critical. Maybe he's deserved every bit of criticism. Maybe you'd be far less critical in a different relationship because you wouldn't get so wound up by what, for you, is unacceptable behaviour. that makes you stressed and unhappy.

The bottom line is that you are incompatible and it's time to stop fighting it and face up to it.

I do grieve for the lovely person I know he can be, and the wonderful times we did have together.

Everyone always says this about someone who is abusive or grumpy. It's a given that he has a good side, or you'd never have got past a first date. But the odd glimpses of the wonderful him don't make up for all the times when it's hard fucking work. You deserve to be happy for more than 30% of the time. When you are tempted to go back and give it another whirl, just remember that.

You are simply wrong for each other and life is too short to expend precious mental energy on trying to change one another when you could be focusing on looking for someone you can be at peace with.

Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 04:56

@BourbonScreams

His apologising must make things much more confusing and upsetting for you (I'd wager that's what he intended) but if he was really sorry he wouldn't repeat the actions.

By the way sorry for spamming your thread, I just remember what you're going through and how hard it is xx

Please don't apologise! I really appreciate you posting especially at this hour of the morning. Thank you your support x

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Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 04:59

@NdujaWannaDance

The bottom line is that you are incompatible and it's time to stop fighting it and face up to it.

I do grieve for the lovely person I know he can be, and the wonderful times we did have together.

You are simply wrong for each other and life is too short to expend precious mental energy on trying to change one another when you could be focusing on looking for someone you can be at peace with.

Yeah it's hard to separate out the blame that he has put on me for being over critical- versus what is justified.

His behaviour is often appalling - I always call him out on it and he always eventually realised and apologises. But it's the need to blame me that is damaging. I'm not to blame for his behaviour

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Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2021 05:02

Honey he is not abusive because of anger.
He is angry BECAUSE he is abusive.

He abuses to maintain power and control that he already has. But he hopes that you will continue to excuse it as a momentary 'loss of control due to x y z'.

It's a trick. Don't fall for it anymore.
Don't make those bs excuses or let him make them.

You did right in getting shot. Read up on the cycle of abuse. Also on 'narcissistic hoovering' and 'the narcissist smear campaign' as these may be things he will now try to do.

NdujaWannaDance · 27/12/2021 05:13

I think that focusing on what is wrong with him and he might be able to change it if he really wanted to, is probably not helping you. Because somewhere at the back of your mind you are thinking he's broken and their might still be a chance for him to be fixed.

It's tempting to try again, if he promises to go back to counselling or promises to work on changing, but honestly, I'm not sure once a dysfunctional precedent has been set in a relationship you can ever go back. Perhaps he'd stand a chance of being a better person in a new relationship with a clean slate. You've both got ingrained patterns of behaviour in this relationship now and they will be really hard to change.

Better to just keep telling yourself you are incompatible and cannot make one another happy. It's that simple. If you see a dress in a shop that you fall in love with, then you try it on and it looks shit, you accept that it's shit on you and you walk away. You don't spend hours pulling at it critically, being annoyed about how the zip sticks and the bust darts are in the wrong place and wondering if you just altered it here and there and changed the belt it would be perfect.

You'd say 'This is a gorgeous looking dress, I love the colour and the style but everything about the cut is wrong and it just doesn't suit me.'

And that would be it. No more time wasted on trying to turn something wrong for you into something right. If only we could all learn to do the same with relationships.

You both have complaints about the other (yours sound more valid than his, but that's not the point) and it's time for you both to accept that you are flogging a dead horse and move on.

BourbonScreams · 27/12/2021 05:17

You're 100% right, you're not to blame for his behaviour. Not being able to tell if you're in the wrong is a big sign that he's gaslighting you - he wants to confuse you and tear down your confidence to make you easier to control and blame. Apologising while blaming you for his actions is massively victim blaming.

Also, @NdujaWannaDance is totally right. Even if he wasn't abusive, which he clearly is, and you were in the wrong, which you clearly aren't, such unhappiness is a clear sign that the relationship is bad and to run for the hills. There's so much better out there. And yes most abusers are nice some of, even most of the time, which is how they manipulate intelligent and strong people to stay with them. It's their terrible behaviour that makes them abusers, what comes in between doesn't really matter.

Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 05:19

I've tried to support him in changing his behaviour but he just can't. You're right about there being ingrained patterns of behaviour in our relationship now, we fall into that same pattern every time we argue. I'm as guilty of this as him - we are both utterly incapable of stopping the argument once it has started, until it becomes catastrophic

I've tried to walk away. But it's very difficult and doesn't always work. He usually runs away when we argue. He has left me countless times.

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Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 05:22

I honestly don't think I deserved it yesterday. I asked him whether he had anything to say - because I wanted him to just roll over in bed, say he was really sorry and wish me happy Christmas.

But instead he exploded into shouting and swearing at me, because I'd dared to ask.

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NdujaWannaDance · 27/12/2021 05:22

How long have you been together? Do you live together?

Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 05:24

@NdujaWannaDance

How long have you been together? Do you live together?

3 years. We don't techno live together as we each have our own house but we spend all our time together

I should have factored in some nights on my own to ensure we had regulars breaks. It was a mistake

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Original poster

gravybones · 27/12/2021 05:25

*technically not techno!

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