Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Fed up with mother in laws effortless gift buying

36 replies

Crescentmoonstarsandsun · 27/12/2021 00:35

Am I cruel for not appreciating my mother in laws gifts to myself and my kids?
My relationship with my mother in law isn’t bad, we get along ok.
But after 13 years of knowing her, I really am struggling to say a simple thank you for her Xmas presents this year.
She isn’t rich, nor is she strapped for cash.
Well within her rights, she pays a lot of money to get her hair done all the time, new clothes etc, she earns a lot of money and lives by her self. None of that is my business I know.
But, thanks to my partner she knows every detail of my financial situation etc.
But I am frustrated at the fact she is so tight with money and gift buying. will always give gifts to my kids and myself that she has bought from the charity shop. There is nothing wrong charity shops, I love charity shops and always find lovely stuff! However, receiving a dirty, stained make up bag with broken zip containing sachets of moisturiser and shampoo freebies from magazines and used lipstick and a bottle of dried out nail varnish from like 1980 for Xmas, I can’t bring my self to fake a thank u anymore.
I don’t give to receive but I do appreciate effort.
I recently had to leave my job and don’t have a lot of money but I made sure I put money by to show the people I love at Xmas that I appreciate them.
And the worst of it all, she’s very needy and demands thank yous, pestering me on WhatsApp and saying condescending things like I’m a child that needs reminding to say thank u and be polite, and not once even mentions the presents I gave her. Am I rude or am I right?

OP posts:

AgathaX · 27/12/2021 00:51

If the present is as bad as you describe then I can see why a thank you might stick in your throat. However, for the sake of family harmony, could you manage a basic thanks?

Selok · 27/12/2021 00:51

Absolutely right, nothing wrong with you!

worriedatthemoment · 27/12/2021 00:56

I don't think a charity shop would sell that, they go through things donated
Why not just suggest going forward you aren't doing adult presents and that saves you buying and you understand if she doesn't wish to buy for your family but if she wants to get grandkids a selection box or £5 in money box would be lovely

2catsandhappy · 27/12/2021 01:34

Thank her for the thought not the gift.

Justwhy123 · 27/12/2021 01:42

I can totally empathise with this. I won’t list what I got from in-laws (outing), but I rcvd 3 very bizarre, cheap gifts. (All second hand). DH and both DC’s got some really lovely gifts.

I’ve never been good enough and with each year that goes by, it is a constant reminder that they just don’t like me.

SpacePotato · 27/12/2021 01:46

Why the fuck is your partner discussing your finances with his mother?

StanleyGreen · 27/12/2021 01:53

I think your main problem isn't your MIL, it's your DH.

StanleyGreen · 27/12/2021 01:54

@2catsandhappy

Thank her for the thought not the gift.

And what thought was that exactly?

Crunched · 27/12/2021 01:55

I would suggest to her that you no longer exchange gifts. Can you use your finances as an excuse to say, from now on, let's just do presents for up to 21 year olds or similar? It sounds like getting a thoughtless gift causes more upset than if you got nothing.

CallMeRachel · 27/12/2021 02:02

She sounds like my mother. Mean as sin, random charity shop finds like you describe are not suitable gifts unless you have pennies to spare.

It doesn’t sound like that’s the case though for her.

On the condescending messages asking to be thanked I’d just reply laughing saying I was waiting on her thanks first as manners are a two way thing. While we’re on the subject, I can see that you find gift buying challenging so can we agree to stop buying for each other now?

TealSapphire · 27/12/2021 02:08

My ex MIL was the same. Free beauty samples, toilet freshener, regifted crap she didn't want. It stings how little she thought of me, particularly when she was so generous with others.

I just resorted to giving her similar gifts - I don't think she was impressed

SpindleSpangle · 27/12/2021 02:25

This is a bit shit, OP. Points that occur to me, rightly or wrongly, are:

Charity shops don't sell that level of tat so she's not even purchased it from one. That's showing a fairly high level of contempt from her to you, to find and wrap that.

This may or may not be related to your DP's very loose talk with her about your private finances. How dare he? I'd be livid, bloody livid.

Your DP sounds as though he's not bothered that you are being treated like this by his mother.

As pp have said, tell the MiL you've decided to stop doing adult presents from now on, as it's too challenging for her / eco-damaging / expensive / whatever. And tell her now, not next December.

Rtmhwales · 27/12/2021 02:33

I have people in my family like this. I didn't bother to say thanks this year, just glanced at it in bemusement and set it aside. I'm sick of their lack of effort so they'll get a lack of thanks.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/12/2021 04:52

Yanbu

I would stop gifting entirely.
If you can't then via your husband I would give lists of specific items and pick incredibly cheap things (like £5 mark)

This does put my mils shit gift to me in context though as I'd struggle to thank someone for that.

Offmyfence · 27/12/2021 05:16

@worriedatthemoment

I don't think a charity shop would sell that, they go through things donated Why not just suggest going forward you aren't doing adult presents and that saves you buying and you understand if she doesn't wish to buy for your family but if she wants to get grandkids a selection box or £5 in money box would be lovely

My thoughts exactly, why would charity shops give space on their shelves for that stuff?

noirchatsdeux · 27/12/2021 09:04

I know the feeling, in recent Christmases I've been given:

A nail care kit from a pound shop...the clippers broke as soon as I opened them

Slippers from Primark - obviously meant for young girls (I'm in my 50s) 2 sizes too small. Funnily enough though they were her size...another regift, probably.

A regifted beauty set - where she hadn't even bothered to take the original gift tag off...

I'd rather get nothing.

I got my arse handed to me on another thread where I said I wasn't happy with my partner telling his parents all the details of our/his financial situation, but I agree with the posters on here that he needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. You aren't rude, you are right.

Disydoll12 · 27/12/2021 09:20

My MIL is exactly like this only she is quite wealthy. She not only gives my kids crap but she gives her son crap too. She no longer gives me anything and I no longer give her anything, leave it to my DH. He may give her a bottle of wine and some flowers but that is it, this year he gave her nothing. I couldn't care less.

She has gifted obvious charity shop goods, regifted gifts etc. No thought, no effort. I would be too embarrassed to hand over most of it. The majority of it is absolute rubbish.

HadEnoughOfBears · 27/12/2021 13:19

Charity shops dont sell stuff the way you have described.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/12/2021 13:28

If she’s actually giving you broken or half-used rubbish then I think you’re perfectly reasonable to simply hand it back and say “I already have a [whatever] that isn’t broken, I don’t need this.” She knows that she hasn’t given you a nice gift so there’s no obligation for you to pretend she has.

And then agree that you won’t exchange adult gifts from now on because obviously everyone is finding it too much like hard work to find the right things.

twoshedsjackson · 27/12/2021 13:42

You're probably too restrained/well-mannered to actually do this, but why not cheer yourself with the thought of this Facebook message:
"There's nothing like a well-chosen gift at Christmas, is there?"
Leaving unspoken the rest of the sentence: "And this is nothing like a well-chosen gift!"

Crystalvas · 27/12/2021 14:02

@AgathaX

If the present is as bad as you describe then I can see why a thank you might stick in your throat. However, for the sake of family harmony, could you manage a basic thanks?

For a stained makeup bag with a broken zip. Id be saying no thanks.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2021 15:06

@2catsandhappy

Thank her for the thought not the gift.

What thought?

That is absolutely insulting.

If you are strapped for cash or prefer to shop in charity shops you are perfectly capable of buying something clean (and in the case of makeup/toiletries, unused) for someone.

I'd be very tempted to look her straight in the eye whilst putting it in the bin.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2021 15:09

@AgathaX

If the present is as bad as you describe then I can see why a thank you might stick in your throat. However, for the sake of family harmony, could you manage a basic thanks?

MiL isn't bothered by family harmony so why should the OP be?

What does her son say @Crescentmoonstarsandsun

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2021 15:09

Presumably your man knows you've received this from her. What was his response?. He is key here. You do not get on ok at all; she hates your very being.

Narcissistic people are extremely disappointing gift givers. First, narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact, as a practical matter, the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2021 15:11

I would have got up and put that junk you received in the bin. That never came from a charity shop either; its some old stuff she's had lying around her home and decided to regift to you.

Flip

1 2