Reluctant sex

[Toastedteacake47468]

Not sure if this is best on this board or relationships, but here goes….

There are times that I don’t want to have sex (tired, unwell, busy, low mood etc). It isn’t all of the time. Boyfriend tends to initiate sex when he wants it, and if he has decided he wants it then it is basically happening, even if I’m not in the mood. He basically cajoles and nags until I give in. We’re probably not quite at the level of non-consensual, but we’re not particularly far away and I feel like the situation is gradually escalating.

Without leaving the relationship (not an option at the moment), what is the best way to address this with him? It’s making me miserable and resentful (and therefore even less willing to be intimate on other occasions), but I don’t think he realises how much of an issue it is.

Has anyone experienced similar and actually found a solution and been able to salvage the relationship? Or are some men just ‘like this’ and I can choose to put up or leave?

I’ve not discussed this with anyone as I don’t want people we know to have a poor opinion of him.

I think you will get more traffic on the relationship board. But I can take a wild guess at what the wise women there would say: consent that is not enthusiastic is not consent. This is not okay.

Thanks @Bookrat, I’ve asked for the thread to be moved.

I know this isn’t ok, I just don’t know what to do about it. I’m nervous to start the conversation but I want something to change.

@Toastedteacake47468

Thanks *@Bookrat*, I’ve asked for the thread to be moved.

I know this isn’t ok, I just don’t know what to do about it. I’m nervous to start the conversation but I want something to change.

Why can't you leave the relationship?

Any man who treats a woman (and one he is supposed to care about) as his personal sex doll has no respect for her and will not change.

How about 'stop fucking touching me when I say no. No means no you utter cuntwamble!'

Also, sex is supposed to be for mutual pleasure. If either he or you don't want it when the other person does, then it should stop being relevant immediately. If they aren't into it - fuck off, leave them alone and have a wank. Any normal, decent human being knows this.

You shouldn't need to educate someone into not being a disrespectful, mysoginistic cunt. And tbh...its not possoble to do so. Soneone respects you or they don't.

Also, you are saying is that his creepiness is escalating. So really op, you need to be thinking about getting out now. Every other woman in an abusive relationship (which is what you are in a sexual coercion is abuse) will tell you they can't leave 'right now' but the truth is most of them could if they a. Wanted to b. They found out how to go about it and c. They set about taking those steps.

You absolutely can ditch this bastard if you want to. If you need help with the how, hopefully we can help you here. Womens aid are a good place to start too.

I’m in a similar situation. Have absolutely zero attraction to my husband now and never want sex. When he initiates it i accept it reluctantly 80% of the time to avoid any atmosphere/sulking afterwards and 20% of the time I feign a reason not to.

Boyfriend is a rapist
Also your husband is @HonestlyFFS

Both of you should have happy lives without having to put up with this shit; take some steps to leave as soon as you can and consider telling the police

Ummm, but extreme. I give in. He does not force and wouldn’t.

*bit not but

He's a rapist. If he cared about anything you felt or said he wouldn't be raping you. There is no discussion you can have that will fix it.

Why can't you leave?

Surely being pestered until you give in is a kind of forcing. Coercion isn’t consent.

Also, it’s so easy to say “leave your husband” but it’s rarely simple. I have no money of my own and kids are happy. Sorry Toastedteacake, didn’t mean to hijack your post!

Why can't you leave him?

@HonestlyFFS

Ummm, but extreme. I give in. He does not force and wouldn’t.

Rape is not about the use of force. It is about the absence of legally valid consent.

Consent is only legally valid if actually communicated (not assumed) and freely given without pressure or coercion by someone who has capacity to consent.

"Giving in" to coercion is therefore not consent.

If you are scared to say no to sex, then it’s non-consensual. Non-consensual sex is rape.

Are you scared to just tell him how the pestering makes you feel the next time he tries? What would his reaction be?

Why can’t you leave him OP?

What would happen if you said no to sex you don’t want? Are you scared of him?

I hope you don’t get advice on how to tolerate this because I hope there aren’t loads of women on MN living this sort of awful life. That’s what it is. It’s not okay, it’s not normal, it’s not something any woman should be putting up with.

I think you should speak to him outside the bedroom when you're both calm and alone.

Alternatively you could think about telling him with a couples counsellor there.

The fact you're worried about raising this with him is really not good and you should seriously consider leaving him.

Can you really not leave him OP?

Your comment that it’s bordering on non-consensual is disturbing.

If you are going to stay for now, you need to have a hardcore conversation with him about boundaries, and that when you’ve said no, you don’t want to hear anymore from him. Coercion is not OK. And then just keep repeating no - but honestly, I’d get rid.

Why can't you say no to him? Why can't you leave the relationship? Why can't you say 'Stop fucking touching me. I don't want you to, and if you keep banging on, then I will never want to shag you again'?

Could you say to him.

"I don't want to have sex right now. Do you really want to have sex with me when I don't want to?"

As a man I can say that nagging and cajoling for sex is gross, lame and quite rapey.
Your problem seems to be that you and your partner are not on the same page concerning each other’s sexual needs, and that is quite a serious baseline on which long term romantic (for want of a better word) relationships are built.
It seems two people will never be on exactly the same page about everything; household accounts, housework, childcare, etc etc. But sex is a biggie. And pestering your gf for sex is something that should be grown out of by the early/mid 20s at the latest. Tbh It’s not very manly.

I’ve got nowhere to go at the moment (financially and practically), I’m working on that side of things but it will take a little time.

We’re not very good at talking at all really, not about anything important or personal anyway. He has a temper but has never been, or even hinted at any physical violence, but I’ve always been very nervous about potential conflict (in any circumstance) so I tend to avoid raising anything that might start a row.

I don’t think he considers that I’m not consenting. I believe that he thinks that I’m ‘playing hard to get’ or just need persuading.

We’ve been together for years but this behaviour has only started since our baby was born. Do you think it’s about jealousy?

Thanks @Animood that sounds like a good way to phrase it.

It could be about jealousy/insecurity in relation to the baby, but tbh it really doesn't matter right now why he's doing it. That's something he needs to recognise and address, you are not responsible for solving that for him.

Oh my god this is unbelievably disturbing and you know it.

Why don't you just wince in pain and say it's too painful to see if he still instigates it with you?

If he has no consideration for you or your feelings then you might as well be a blow up doll for all he cares.

If you feel you are just a receptacle for him to dump his ejaculate then you need to get out of there before he wrecks your mental and physical health.