He treats me like a dog he hates.

[bexxboo]

For 5 years I have put up with my daughters father treating me like a dog he hates.

At least that's how he makes me feel. He confesses his undying love for me via text late at night when he's drunk.

When I was pregnant and living with him and his mother, he moved his friend in and they secretly started smoking crack together.

A few weeks after I was moved into a 2 bed flat with my daughter as we were unsafe.

I went back time and time again because I loved him. Even though he treated me with no respect.

A few years on, I'm still having to deal with his shit even though we aren't officially together and I live on my own with our daughter.

He made a point of ignoring me all of Christmas Day, because we had a disagreement in the car regarding his mother.

He says I don't make any effort with him bla bla bla.

He walks around in hundreds of pounds worth of clothing from JD sports yet always misses payments for CSA. He puts clothes, cannabis, and his mum before paying me.

He is lazy with seeing our daughter, I have let him see her at my flat in the past but all he would do is sleep on the sofa. He only wants to be a father when it suits him. Christmas Eve he was too poorly to spend it with us, yet showed up at mine the next morning hungover, fell asleep. He promised he would be here early to watch our daughter open her presents.

Every single time we have gone out as a family, he has turned on me. Even when I try my absolute fucking hardest not to upset him, he always finds something. It's like he hates me, and he doesn't see me as a person.

On our daughters birthday I had to leave the meal at Pizza Hut to go and have a nervous breakdown in the car because he's such a nasty vile cunt. When I went back to sit down he completely changed tried to hold my hand and apologies.

Every Christmas is his prime time for being a cunt, no idea why. It's like he doesn't have it in him to not shit on the day. The only reason I spent it with him is I wanted to be with my daughter all day, he picks her up at lunch to go to his dads so I tagged along as I couldn't hack yet another Christmas without her, she's only young once.

My questions here are:

1. What the fuck is wrong with my stupid fucking head?
2. Why won't he leave me the fuck alone if he hates me so much?
3. Why does he tells me he loves me, yet his actions suggest the absolute opposite?

I feel like he is getting in the way of me moving on with my life. He makes me hate myself, like actually hate myself. When I was living with him and his mum I wanted to top myself. I would lock myself in the bathroom and punch myself in the head.

I just want him to be normal so we can co parent. I'm stronger now than I was then, but he just won't let me be.

I've put in an application to move to another town so I'm not living in the same town as him or his mum, or his friends who report back to him my every breath and fart.

I've been beaten up on a night out because of one of his admirers.

He makes me so beyond angry there are no words to describe the seething hate I have for his personality. How has completely infatuation turned into this?

Please stop criticising the OP, and imagine what her life has been like both as a child and now.

Have you contacted any support services yet OP?

I just want him to be normal so we can co parent.
He is never going to be, & you need to accept this as a FACT.
Let go of any fond dreams that he will ever behave decently.

I'm stronger now than I was then, but he just won't let me be.
Guess what? - not his choice to make.
You can be whoever you want to be, wherever you want to be. He doesn't get a say in it.

Why won't he leave me the fuck alone if he hates me so much?
Because personality-disordered people needs victims who will give them their 'supply'. He wants you in his life because he has invested the time in learning how to control you. He does not want to relinquish control.

I have let him see her at my flat in the past
Start with this.
No more visits to your home. He doesn't even put one foot over the threshold.

You next move is physical - so good you are moving to another town.
As you say he is lazy about parenting, you may find that you can fade him out of your life.

In the meantime - block him on everything expect email, & only communicate with him via that email, & only with regard to him picking up/dropping off your DD.
You seriously need to disengage from this man.
Shouldn't be hard - he's a waste of space.

@bexxboo, you won't cure your loneliness by trying to have a relationship with him, and I agree with a PP and advise you not to focus on men at all until you've done the freedom programme. Look for social groups, clubs, etc in your area and try those instead of hoping this waste of space will come good.

He is not a puzzle for you to solve. He is a problem for you to avoid.

Brilliant, @DropYourSword

Firstly GROW UP. You want this crack smoking thug in your daughters life?
Secondly STOP BEING A DOORMAT and give your head a wobble love. Stop wondering why he treats you the way he does (obviously a degenerate) and move on, think about your kid fgs. Can you do that? Put your kid first?

This! In spades! Wtf is the matter with you?

Learn some self respect and put your child ahead of everything. Do you want her growing up thinking that this is how she can expect a man to treat her or do you want her to think she's worth more? Because right now she is impressionable and you are teaching her that this is normal and OK.

Get him out of her life as much as possible and stop going back to him. Limit the time you let her spend with him and stop spending your valuable time with him! Stick up for yourself and stick up for her! It's not OK for her to see and hear this shit.

I hope all the PP who have popped their heads over the parapet to scold OP are feeling all grown up & self-satisfied now.

Unless you have been in a coercively controlling relationship with a junkie whose entire family joins in the control, & unless you had a heroin addict for a mother, you are a bunch of sanctimonious frauds who don't know what the fuck you are talking about.

OP - you are brave - you have survived this man until now.
You are resilient - you are making plans to move town.
You are clear sighted - despite your own background & despite your current enmeshment, you are seeing the signs, interpreting them correctly, & beginning the process of disentangling yourself from this fuckwit & his awful family.

You should be feeling very proud of yourself.
Please, please, don't allow false pride to be the thing that stops you from reaching out to WA, police, social services ... & anybody trustworthy in real life.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, & all those agencies will be happy to support you.
I can tell you another thing - agencies love a "self-referrer" - i.e. a person who actively reaches out for help, because she is ready to receive & act on it.

You can do this.
Ignore the smug haters, they don't have a clue how much you've managed & how strong you are

I think some people here have grown up with a silver spoon in their mouths.

You guys have no idea the type of person I'm dealing with.

For example, he has only payed me twice in the past 4 weeks, and told me if I dare go to CSA he will make sure he is payed in cash.

I try to be reasonable but even when we are only discussing our daughter he is still a nasty abusive little prick.

He didn't let me know a time when he was picking her up today he just shows up, or he will not call me all day then pick her up really late in the evening so he doesn't have to look after her.

My daughter tells me he stays in bed while his mum looks after him, and also takes her to the pub.

Today he spent £100 on toys for her for Christmas...which is why he can't pay me my £50 maintenance.

Last time we fell out about child maintenance I had his mother on the phone telling me to lay off him and he deserves a life.

This is the woman who also doesn't mind her son sniffing coke at home, she let him smoke weed in high school. She has condoned his behaviour from a young age, yet I am the problem. She also lies to me about where he is when my daughter is there, he constantly leaves her with his mum while he pops out and does what he wants.

I used to actually live with these people.

@ChargingBuck

I hope all the PP who have popped their heads over the parapet to scold OP are feeling all grown up & self-satisfied now.

Unless you have been in a coercively controlling relationship with a junkie whose entire family joins in the control, & unless you had a heroin addict for a mother, you are a bunch of sanctimonious frauds who don't know what the fuck you are talking about.

OP - you are brave - you have survived this man until now.
You are resilient - you are making plans to move town.
You are clear sighted - despite your own background & despite your current enmeshment, you are seeing the signs, interpreting them correctly, & beginning the process of disentangling yourself from this fuckwit & his awful family.

You should be feeling very proud of yourself.
Please, please, don't allow false pride to be the thing that stops you from reaching out to WA, police, social services ... & anybody trustworthy in real life.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, & all those agencies will be happy to support you.
I can tell you another thing - agencies love a "self-referrer" - i.e. a person who actively reaches out for help, because she is ready to receive & act on it.

You can do this.
Ignore the smug haters, they don't have a clue how much you've managed & how strong you are

Thank you so much.

No people really don't understand.

I have come a million miles from where I was.
I do suffer from complex PTSD, anxiety and depression now which I never had before I met him.
He knows how to hurt me, and he does it constantly. When I'm with him he is nasty, when I shut him out he is worse. I feel like a prisoner, I have literally tried everything.

You can’t fix him, stop trying

He doesn’t love you

Focus on you and your child and making life better. Stop looking for a man to enhance it. It isn’t good. Maybe look at doing the Freedom Programme to break the cycle of dependence on your horrible ex.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

“Every single time we have gone out as a family, he has turned on me. Even when I try my absolute fucking hardest not to upset him, he always finds something. It's like he hates me, and he doesn't see me as a person.“

No, no, and no —- you do not go out as a family and have to try your hardest not to upset him.
He is using you. He is using his daughter. All he cares about is himself.

Sorry to sound harsh but your daughter needs you as she only has one decent parent. Get away from him, as far as you can and block him on everything. Do not let him know where you live.

You can have a decent, happy life with your daughter —- please don’t waste it ( and her childhood) on this pathetic excuse for a father.

I’m so sorry you’ve been so badly damaged by his horrible behaviour OP. You can break the cycle for you and your child. All the very best

What you need to get your head round is that you are not powerless in any of this. You are keeping yourself stuck. When you keep putting up with shit from people you are teaching them how to treat you. Get help and therapy for yourself. The only person who can stop you from keep going back is you. If your dearest friend had posted what you have, what would you be telling her to do?

There are loads of single mums that have met someone else. He most likely has self esteem issues and is putting you down to make himself feel better. He will never see what he has done, as you've put it, as he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He sounds a vile nasty piece of work. I'd rather be lonely than be someone like that. BUT you won't meet anyone else if you're still involved with him anyway.
I'm sorry you're having such a shit time but you've made a huge brave first step to a better life. I hope you get to move soon. Everything he's being a shitbag at the moment just keep the thought in your head that it won't be forever and that smile inwardly to yourself. Hold on in there.

I feel like a prisoner, I have literally tried everything.

You stop trying, & you set yourself free.
Soon, you will be living in a new town, away from his malign influence.
This will give your mental health an immediate boost.

And when you are ready, look into therapies like CBT & EMDR for the C-PTSD. They can be very effective, & you CAN heal

ChargingBuck Exactly, I will never understand why people pile on a person in this situation.
Maybe they think they are delivering tough love or a wake up call. Maybe it comes from a well intentioned place but it shows ignorance.

Bexxboo. You sound brave to me. You have already moved out to protect your daughter and are asking the questions that lead to deeper freedom.
I wanted you to know that I am a single mother and I have not tried to meet anyone else

However, I have never been lonelier than when I was being damaged by someone who said they loved me but acted as though they hated me.
There is so much better than this waiting for you.

@Blackopal I'll never understand what I did to make him treat me this way. In the beginning we were head over heels for each other. But every now and then he would stop talking to me for no reason, then come back to me, then discard me, this went on and on.

Things definitely got worse when I was pregnant, it was almost like he resented me for falling pregnant.

@ChargingBuck I have had CBT and have been on antidepressants since 2016.

I think I'm going to give CBT another go as I do need extra help, I don't feel I many people I can really lean on.

The worst part is having to be a good happy mum while I'm breaking apart inside because of what he has done to me.

I never knew people like that existed before I met him.

Thank you for your kind words x

bexxboo

Men like this seem very complicated to the people around them. A complex person who takes alot of understanding and decoding.

In fact, they are not unique at all. They are abusers/narcissist's/personality disordered people who have nothing to give but this well trodden path of building someone up and then throwing them down.
None of his behaviour is about you, it's only about him and he uses you to make himself more powerful to feel better about himself.

You know you did nothing to cause it, one day you will understand you did nothing to deserve it.

I would recommend reading a book by Lundy Bancroft called 'Why Does He Do That?'
I guarantee you will find your daughter's father described in the pages.

Sadly OP, one of the keys is realising that he never really loved you. This type of person never really loves anyone but themselves.

Lindy Bancroft's Why does he do that? is excellent.

A shorter, simpler and more hard hitting book is Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, upon which the Freedom Programme is based.

You are trying to be rational with someone who has no rational
Thought. You priorities your dd and her needs. He isn't capable of that. You can talk reason and beg but he doesn't have it in him. He might fake it from time to time but it is a performance.

I know how hard it is to stand up to these type of men. They have manipulated and got you where they want you.

My ex left years ago now. Walked into new high paying job new flat and gf/ow. He wasn't paying any child support and came and screamed at me because I'd stopped paying his mobile phone bill at £100 a month which he was claiming on his expense for. He real thought I was in the wrong to stop paying his bill on my limited income whilst he wasn't contributing toward supporting the children.

It took me far to long to stand up to
Him. Because he had conditioned me.

Once I started taking control you see them for what they are. It is a big tantrum because you have taken their favourite toy away. Money through CMS. Contact was at x time on x day. You miss it. You wait until the next time. He had no respect for my time. I was meant to just sit around and wait for him to grace the children with some of his precious time.

He was furious I took
This line. I could envisage him down the pub telling anyone and everyone how hard done by he was that I was stopping him seeing his children. He would of lied and said he was paying his way and was a reasonable man. That's on him. I know the truth.

I stopped engaging. I stop chasing him about seeing his children. I stop asking for child support. He either did the right thing by the children or he didn't. Anything I said or did wouldn't influence that. So I stopped. This was for my well being. The less I had to do with him the easier it became.

I also don't cover for him to his children. I don't bad mouth
Him. If he is a no show I just tell them I don't know why and we busy ourselves with something else.

Sorry this is long. But I was where you are. Still emotionally manipulated by my ex. For the children's sake you keep doing the right thing. Actually it was determentLe to them and me. And once he realised he lost that control over me he now has a much more respectful approach. I communicate in a business like way. Don't respond to anything with emotion. Just fact. The children. Will be ready at x time.

It is a hard line to take and he won't like it. But for you and your dd well being you will be in a much better place for taking control of your situation.

[quote bexxboo]@Blackopal I'll never understand what I did to make him treat me this way. In the beginning we were head over heels for each other. But every now and then he would stop talking to me for no reason, then come back to me, then discard me, this went on and on.

Things definitely got worse when I was pregnant, it was almost like he resented me for falling pregnant. [/quote]
Bexx, NOTHING you did made him treat you badly.
He treated you bady because he is abusive. It genuinely is that simple.

You could have been a saint, an angel, a 'surrendered wife' - anything - & he would STILL have found ways to control, manipulate & abuse you. So stop thinking any of this is down to you, ok?

Pregnancy is a known trigger point for escalating abuse.

Best wishes with the CBT, & look into EDMR too - a very different way of dealing with the residue of trauma.

Also, something like yoga or pilates - floorwork type exercise that you can do at home for free. I find re-engaging with my body, even for a qick 10 minute boost, can have positive impact on stress, anxiety, or persistent unwelcome memories: it's a very quick way of re-aligning the mind/body connection & grounding/soothing myself.

@unicornsarereal72 More power to you, your story of survival & rebuilding is ace

Well I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth with lovely supportive parents and ended up in a similar relationship in my twenties which thankfully due to my background I was able to leave and we had no children but it wasn’t easy even for me with every advantage so op is doing so well keep detaching.

One thing you need to get straight is these men never ever change.

I left a narcissist when my daughter was 1, I've been on my own with no money from him for 12 years. It was the best decision I made.

Yes you probably need the money from him but is it worth it? What you need is to stop advocating for him, your child does not need this malevolent person in their life and neither do you.

You will only start to heal when your life is one without him in it.