My child isn't like me she's just like my mum

[itscomplicatedlife]

It's taken some adjusting, me and my mother were like total opposites, I am quiet, introverted probably a bit boring tbh but like a set bedtime and quiet, can work alone happily. My mum extroverted, talked a lot, loud, sat up most nights until early hrs, liked a very late until midday lie ins, cracking sense of humour, a lot of fun!

Issue is my.m Daughter is turning out to be exactly like my mum and nothing like me or my DH! We few so drained it's been quite hard as we both work full time and it's been exhausting, she rarely ever napped, age 2.5, up early etc but I'm just shocked, its like myself and mum all over again, she found me hard to relate to as did I to her! Has anyone else had the same happen to them and found it really hard to adjust to??

@OnwardsAndSideways1 Yes she could change massively, I can imagine she will mellow out one day in years to come it's just hard to imagine that atm as things just haven't really changed much but at least the sleeps improved it was so bad!!

@PferdeMerde I think swift is just saying how they chnaged from like one extreme to another not so much the goth part just went form quieter to more outgoing party girl

She's not like your mum, or you - she's 2. You don't act the same way now you did aged 2, neither does your mum. She's being a typical toddler.

I think the point is just be open to her changing, my dd used to run around like crazy as a toddler, now it's hard to shift her out of bed. You talk a lot about defining yourself through your mum but really that's quite irrelevant, you need to just allow her to be herself, which I'm sure you are doing. It's hard in the toddler phase to imagine them being very different but mine have been, not sure why.

Thanks all, just needed to chat here, was finding today very difficult but throw teething and conjunctivitis in on Boxing Day too doesn't help the motivation at all 🤦‍♀️ but this has helped!

But what struck me from your description is that she isn’t extroverted and chatty and social? She’s actually hugely introverted isn’t she? Just that when she’s forced to socialise instead of retreating inwards, she lashes out?

Having a clear independent character aka not wanting to wear the clothes set out for her is a LONG way from staying up late at night at the pub, yes? In fact she sounds nothing like your mother. She sounds like she might do well with a fixed quite rigid routine. She doesn’t like change. She finds it overwhelming which is why she tries to control the small things. She also sounds like she has some sensory issues.
I think the comparison to your mother is a bit of a red herring.

That’s nothing: My DD is like my MIL looks wise and my DH personality wise. Nothing like me or my side of the family at all.

@lynntheyresexswappers My mum could be quite a moody and very unagreeable character a lot do the time, she reminded me of soem moody toddlers and like my daughter perhaps this is why she's featuring as a comparison to me, age 2.5 full swing tantrum stage too doesn't help you see the wood for trees and we're all ill again just felt so drained 🤦‍♀️

Hey OP, just to say that since this is in your thoughts a lot, please don't tell her.

My mum always said (and still says) that I reminded her of her mum, who she had a very unhappy relationship with. My eyes, facial expressions, personality, the way I am generally. It was never a compliment and I knew it - but it's nothing I can fix either. I just annoy her by existing sometimes and it's a horrible sensation.

Please don't let your little one grow up like that too!

@LuchiMangsho We think she
Is extroverted but could be wrong, she mostly welcomes new people with hiding or crying but when shes in the house and comfortable with soem friends and family she's very loud and her enegry knows no bounds, nursery say she's one of the livelier ones and has a lot of friends, described her as the mother hen type goes round checking on the others apparently

Yes I think she is very independent, and agree on the sensory thing too I have considered this also definitely, she notices the quietest sounds, she'll say what's that?? And stop and listen and I find it's something I'd never notice like some background sound. She hated loud things. Yes I think you're right I don't think she copes will with change, what does that mean do you think??

Someone mentored possible autism, I think perhaps this may be worth looking in to but hard to tell so young maybe, I don't relent know what that is. But yes perhaps she is more predominantly introverted with soem extroverted characteristics.

@@Frankii Aww im sorry, please don't get me wrong I loved my mum very much she had a lot of lovely dimensions to her but she had a personality disorder and was very hard to live with it wasn't her fault she had a traumatic upbringing and she just lost her way a bit, she liced and was how she only knew how to be. Atm the toddler isms remind me of the bits of mum i found hard to be around but she reminds me also so of the good parts but I'd never feel compelled to tel her she reminded me of the bad parts of mum I wouldn't x x

DH and I are both fairly quiet and introverted, DS1 is very similar to us but DS2 is completely different - loud and outgoing. I find it quite fascinating that the DC are so different and it’s particularly noticeable as they’re very close in age. DS2 looks quite like me otherwise I would wonder if he had been switched at birth 😀 I think that he must take after my dad and MIL.

It sounds like your mum is very immature (not necessarily an all bad thing). Maybe your mum is in some ways similar to small children.

To add on a serious note, we really struggled with DS2 when he was little. DS1 was very calm, slept well, behaved perfectly when we were out, whereas DS2 was like a hurricane and playgroups were a nightmare - screaming fits and biting other children - going anyway out of the house was awful really. However he’s 9 now and has really calmed down with age, I commented to DH yesterday that I wouldn’t have believed that our crazy toddler would have turned to the child sitting engrossed making his Christmas Lego.

Also to add, I’m not in the habit of comparing DS2 negatively to DS1, they each have their own strengths, which we really appreciate.

Yes, @itscomplicatedlife, my DD was so wild I thought she might have 'ishoos'. She used to scream when she was happy and scream when she was tantrumming. A lot of screaming. She would run riot. She kicked her door and broke it (it was flimsy but still!) when she was 3. I was dreading the teen years. But suddenly at 5 she became much calmer and has been ever since. She's now 13 and we have the occasional mood but she's just such a delightful, hardworking, grateful child. I have 2 others (boys) who were easier toddlers but difficult since about 8 or 9. Who knows how it will go? It's also sibling dynamics, so any children you may or may not have will also affect her character and behavior.

@MsBishyBarnaby I used to wonder that of myself with my parents as I'm so differnt to them 😂 🧐 x x

@Franklyfrost She could cope with little children better than me if say, more childlike by nature for sure x

@MsBishyBarnaby That's good to hear, mad eh how 2 can be so so different! I do remember my aunt telling me her first was like mine a total hurricane, bad sleeper and tantrums etc but when she had her second he was totally differnt! Just a lottery and just got to hope the difficult bits we can find ways to get better at managing in time 🙏

@MerryMarigold wow so interesting to hear! We don't have any siblings tbh I don't think we could cope with another anytime soon it's been so draining! Had the first been differnt experience id have the energy no doubt to go again but atm I def don't! 🙄😱 but this has given me hope that it could get so much better! The age she is doesn't help for sure that's got to improve at least fingers crossed!! X

Bloodyhell.

I thought you were talking about a teenager at first but she's only a toddler? You are putting so much on her at such an early age!! I have known a toddler who was very energetic and developed into a calmer, studious older child.

At this rate any issues she might develop might be a result in her picking up what her anxious parent is thinking.

If she turns out like your mum you will already have a head start on this - you will at least have some sort of clue what might work for her when she's older.

[quote itscomplicatedlife]@lynntheyresexswappers My mum could be quite a moody and very unagreeable character a lot do the time, she reminded me of soem moody toddlers and like my daughter perhaps this is why she's featuring as a comparison to me, age 2.5 full swing tantrum stage too doesn't help you see the wood for trees and we're all ill again just felt so drained 🤦‍♀️[/quote]
2 year old are tyrannical maniacs - I PROMISE it gets easier. My son almost drove me insane, but he calmed down loads when he hit 3. Have a handhold and a glass of wine - solidarity!

My wife and I are both nice normal people, as are all four of our parents, and all of our grandparents (pretty much), and as is our first child. My wife did have a great uncle who was a psychopathic (and homosexual, fwiw) criminal big band manager who went missing, presumed murdered, in the 1950s.
Guess who son no.2 seems to be taking after? You never know what you’re going to get when it comes to the genetic lottery!

Christ, she sounds like a typical toddler to me. Chill, enjoy her and don't try and put her in a box. She'll likely be her own person and not like either of you.

Oh bless her she is just 2! There is a reason it's called the terrible twos.
Usually behaviour is communication, I'd be spending more time trying to connect with her and work out what it is she needs to feel at her most settled.
She's very little and it would be very rare for a two year old not to be emotionally reactive/ loud/ full of energy..they have very immature reptilian responses because of the stage their brain development is at.
Some of what you've put seems really to be distancing between you and her and I would really really try to stop comparing her negatively to yourself, she's a baby. And to stop comparing her to someone with a personality disorder who you have a very difficult relationship with. That's not going to be good for your bond and her development.
Perhaps she will have a difference when she is older, but perhaps she is just being two and needs acceptance where she is at.

DS is like this. A total party animal and thrives in large groups of people. Would be the one still dancing when the sun came up. Adores socialising, really extrovert.

Not like DH and I!

Bit of a shocker really, he's like a mix of my brother and my BIL