Is it all fellas? Do most people settle?

[Coffee4685]

I caught up with an old school friend today. Both of us united by the fact we’re likely going to break up with our long-term partners over issues to do with compatibility. Me and my mate are 31 FWIW. Neither have children. He’s a gay man and I’m a career woman with no kids.

Both of us were agonising over the fact that separately we’re with really nice men, but that there are fundamental things that make the relationships hard. Both wondering ‘is this it?’

When I hang out with women my own age i often hear tales of how their male partners have been inconsiderate/lazy etc. It’s always spoken about in a ‘that’s men for you’ kind of way and secretly I feel quite despairing when I hear how fed up they are. I see similar stories pan out on these boards and often wonder why people put up with the things they do. Aren’t relationships meant to be easy for the most part? Or am I being terribly naive?

In my case my partner chose not to go on a trip that I had bought us for Xmas, meaning I have lost a fair bit of money. I was inconsolable about this two days ago and he’s made some amends but I have been querying the relationship for a while for other reasons. Outside of those reasons I can see he’s a brilliant guy.

In my mate’s case, his partner is not interested in sex and they bicker non-stop.

So this leads me to wonder: how do you know when it’s worth working out versus either you move on? Selfishly I’m looking at 2022 and feeling pretty daunted by another year of WFH and what feels like Groundhog Day, especially without my partner in the equation. I live alone and can’t bear the thought of making a real mistake.

Do you go with your heart or your head? And is it the majority of relationships that seem to bring about stress and irritation for the woman involved - or just the ones I’m hearing about?

TiA

Most people don't go around talking about their fab partners and how lucky they are - well some do (like on insta) and are universally ridiculed, especially on Mumsnet . But moan about your partner and there are loads of sympathetic people willing to tell you to dump him or what have you.
Your partner is a separate entity and it's never 100% roses. But If your partner does not fill you with a warm feeling that allows you to overlook any irksome differences then maybe it is time to move on.

Isnt there a saying along the lines of single men and married women are under the most stress?

I absolutely believe that marriage/live-in relationships are stressful. Ive been married before - never again. I dont want anyone forever in my personal space, me feeling I have to get up and 'do stuff' because they're around etc

Ive been with DP for 5 years. We have a happy loving relationship, share a lot business, holidays, some finances etc. But we dont live together we live 15 minutes down the road from each other. Bliss. It works well.

I'm not afraid of being alone, or without a man if it ever came to that. I don't think its a case of do you choose head or heart. Its about being your authentic self, and not letting fear of not having a partner draw you into staying around for the sake of that as, you're then inflicting misery on yourself

I'm 46. I've never settled down because, although I've met men I've liked and whose company I've enjoyed, I've never met anyone I wanted to settle down with - who I wanted to share my life with.

Until recently.

I've known him for 4 years and we've only been together a few months but I can honestly say I've always known I didn't want to be with previous men long term (my previous 'relationships' have never lasted more than a few months) but I couldn't imagine my life without him.

I've never been scared of being on my own. I have 2 children who I have raised largely alone and I have a career etc and we're fine. But I see a lot of women (and men, tbh) who are so desperate to settle down and be married that compatability doesn't even seem to be part of the equation. I know very many people in unhappy marriages and I've never wanted that for myself.

I was always content to be single if the right person for me never came along and now I believe he he has.

I also know that if it didn't work out for any reason, I'd be ok on my own and there is strength in being in that position. I would never stay where I didn't feel happy or fulfilled.

Drawing on the experience of friend's and family, I think most of them are together (living together/ married) due to shared financial commitments and/ or school-age children. A lot of them say things like they would leave if there was a lotto win, or they are putting money away for that rainy day when they do find the courage to get out. Some are waiting for the kids to leave home, or waiting to be swept away by Prince Charming. On the outside, they are fairly stable people with good jobs, nice family backgrounds etc, but when you dig deeper there is often brooding resentment about some issues in their partnership. I only know two people who are in relationships that I look upon as being truely happy and compatible. A few of my friend's stay in relationships where I would have left at an instant, in their shoes, as the drama has been unreal. Some people have a different tolerance to stress and conflict to others. Personally, I dumped my boyfriend today and it feels like a huge weight off my shoulders. Women who stand up for their rights, their happiness and well-being are often tagged as 'needy', 'a diva', 'a drama queen' etc...often by people who envy their independence and resilience I suspect. I personally won't accept consistent bad behaviour off a dating partner as it signals years of misery and settling ahead. I know other people who seem to settle just to have someone around, for sex/ money etc. Singledom is much happier than being stuck with someone who takes you for granted, or abuses you.

I don't what the majority of relationships are like but I've been with my DH going on for 20 years and we're still really compatible and I've definitely not settled.

Just a question about that trip you mentioned, did you not discuss it with your DP before booking, to see if he wanted to go?

I don't think 'most men are like that' it's only on Mumsnet that you seem to read about some awful partners, in RL (in my circle anyway) I don't know of any men who are particularly lazy or useless with their own DC.

No one is perfect 100% of the time, relationships aren't always a bed or roses but at 31 why are you even considering 'settling' to .. in fact relationships aren't everything ... being happy and content in your own company is very liberating.

Been with dh 30 years.

TBH I’ve always loved the idea of being alone (am a serious introvert), but love dh dearly and enjoy his company enormously, and he’s prfectly capable of making himself scarce if I need space, so being together is worth giving up some of my space for.

I don’t feel like I have settled in even the tiniest way.

Realistically I don't think many marriages are sustainable. Both people change a lot over their lifetime. If I compared myself with just 10 years ago, I want different things and I've changed so much. I'd imagine it's the same for many people.

And sometimes you change in a way that doesn't suit your partner and vice versa. And that's excluding the other possibilities (eg: they turn out to be a wanker).

I live the idea of marriage but I all practicality...it doesn't usually work with one person from marriage till our deaths. More likely than not there will come a time where you just don't work well together anymore.

Its like we're all on a bus journey, its our bus and our journey and other ppl might get on and keep us company from time to time but ultimately if they hinder us getting to our destination or if they stop being good company...kick the fuckers off. Because its your bloody bus.

Please don't settle, surely you're worth more than that.

BTW what's a 'career woman'?

I'm in my mid-40s. I married a nice man who had issues in my early 30s thinking he was a good catch but it fell apart 6 years ago when I realised there was no way he was going to deal with the issues. I know a lot of people who have been in similar situations to me. Of the people I know who are happy, they met relatively young and came from really stable families. I've since concluded that it comes down to what people are taught as children and know what they want. Basically, by the time you get to your 30s all the best men are taken.

@pinkyredrose

Please don't settle, surely you're worth more than that.

BTW what's a 'career woman'?

I would imagine someone who doesn't want to have children because of their job and ambitions career wise, obviously you can do both but as a parent it's more difficult ( if you're a good parent it can't not be imo because your kid will always take priority)

@AryaStarkWolf in short, sort of. bf is always talking about doing spontaneous trips. I couldn’t get him to tell me anything he wanted for Xmas and he asked for experience gifts, things that we could do together. Given that he was home I booked the gift as a mini surprise (but with a heads up) thinking I had absolutely nailed it. Then his family came to visit at the nth hour and he decided it was too much hassle/cost etc.

@pinkyredrose I am financially solvent and have moved with my job a fair bit. In short, it wouldn’t be another person’s financial situation that would keep me tied to them (I’d like to think). I’m not looking to start a family; I’d prefer to grow my job prospects

@FriedTomatoe

"Of the people I know who are happy, they met relatively young and came from really stable families." This is something I've observed too.

@Coffee4685
"So this leads me to wonder: how do you know when it’s worth working out versus either you move on?"

I think when you look at your partner and just wish they were different... I know this sounds incredibly simplistic but for me it was a gut reaction/feeling. I just no longer wanted to try and make it 'better (between myself and my ex husband). Basically, I didn't care and want him out of my life as soon as possible.

How do you evaluate compatibility? For different people it's different things; physical attraction/life goals 'projects' children/marriage etc.

@HereComesTheSpiderman

I agree about finding and recognising someone to share a life with - I think this is difficult to find.

I'm a single mother by choice, and until I'd got pregnant for me it was all about escalating a relationship to the point of having a family...now that I've achieved it albeit alone, I'm sort of confused what it is that I'd be looking for if I were to date again...

[quote Coffee4685]@AryaStarkWolf in short, sort of. bf is always talking about doing spontaneous trips. I couldn’t get him to tell me anything he wanted for Xmas and he asked for experience gifts, things that we could do together. Given that he was home I booked the gift as a mini surprise (but with a heads up) thinking I had absolutely nailed it. Then his family came to visit at the nth hour and he decided it was too much hassle/cost etc.

@pinkyredrose I am financially solvent and have moved with my job a fair bit. In short, it wouldn’t be another person’s financial situation that would keep me tied to them (I’d like to think). I’m not looking to start a family; I’d prefer to grow my job prospects[/quote]
Ah OK, that was pretty shit of him in that case, that would annoy me too

The world wants you to settle. The world doesn’t want you to have standards. Your female friends want you to moan along with them about lazy partners and shit men who wash their hair with shower gel want to take you on a walk date so they can screen you. Just look at any dating thread where women will call you an GoLdIGgEr if you expect a man to impress you by booking a table at a nice restaurant as opposed to letting him drag you around Hyde park like a beagle then try get you back to his for a takeaway and a grope.

Everyone hates a woman with standards who knows their self worth- who rejects being shackled to someone unless they actually add value to their lives.

So don’t settle- go be with someone who is your cup of tea who follows through with plans, who books massages for you, who arranges lovely dates and makes you feel utterly loved. Anything less comes second to a life of beautiful solitude with friends, pets and hobbies.

@Suprima Very well said.

I don’t think you should ever settle but I think a lot of it comes down to upbringing. My childhood was okay but my relationship with my mum eroded what little confidence I had. When I met DH I was in my early 20s things were good but throw life and children into the mix (especially children with severe disabilities) makes life very difficult. Things aren’t perfect, for me I’ve had to make large compromises and if it wasn’t for the children I’d consider leaving what would only be an okay relationship 15 years down the line. I think things are difficult if you have children. It’s maybe not as straight forward. I also think some relationships require compromise and for some people that’s more than in other relationships.

I was desperately unhappy with feeling insignificant, was very low, and simply couldn’t see my life carry on in a misery. I ended it on a balcony on a holiday in Corsica when ex DH couldn’t be arsed to plan anything and was yapping on about his hobby, which he had become obsessive with. Something just broke. 4 years on and I’m so much happier. He’s still the same lazy man. I’ve gained a lot more confidence and feel stronger.

@Fadingout has your husband made similarly large compromises?

All I see is compromise in everyone's relationships. Either by the woman or by the man.

I settled with someone cos I was desperate to be a mum. My DC is the best thing in my life so it was worth it. I'm single now and cant see me having another relationship, past experience was 80% shite.

He would say has he. He’s given up some of his sport (one was a sport that would take up a day and the other because he’s injured). Otherwise not nearly as much as me. His career has advanced and mine has died though has mildly come back to life it’s a huge compromise because it fits with the kids but is badly paid and my boss isn’t brilliant. I’ve become a carer really. But we are financially secure which is something.

We've been happily married for 16 years Thank God.

I went with my heart and we've grown closer together. Lots of love, passion, respect, appreciation, many common life goals, values, and interests. These are the basics for our happy relations.

But I understand different things are more important for different people.

No one is perfect. No relations is ever perfect. You'll know it's your True Soulmate and your True Love when you meet him.

But with age people can change too. So there is never a guarantee people will stay the same for life like in their 20s and 30s.

I agree it should be better in relations than without them.

"Everyone hates a woman with standards who knows their self worth- who rejects being shackled to someone unless they actually add value to their lives.

So don’t settle- go be with someone who is your cup of tea who follows through with plans, who books massages for you, who arranges lovely dates and makes you feel utterly loved. Anything less comes second to a life of beautiful solitude with friends, pets and hobbies"

^ this nails it.

I was divorced for 15 years before I met my second husband. I had so called 'friends' tell me I would never find anyone because was "too fussy".
I watched people divorce, marry, remarry and divorce again.
Sometimes I was lonely, but never as lonely as I was in my first marriage.

Some women are scared that if they "raise the bar" they won't find anyone but I think the opposite is true.

Suprima
The world wants you to settle. The world doesn’t want you to have standards. Your female friends want you to moan along with them about lazy partners and shit men who wash their hair with shower gel want to take you on a walk date so they can screen you.
Just look at any dating thread where women will call you an GoLdIGgEr if you expect a man to impress you by booking a table at a nice restaurant as opposed to letting him drag you around Hyde park like a beagle then try get you back to his for a takeaway and a grope.

Everyone hates a woman with standards who knows their self worth- who rejects being shackled to someone unless they actually add value to their lives.

So don’t settle- go be with someone who is your cup of tea who follows through with plans, who books massages for you, who arranges lovely dates and makes you feel utterly* loved. Anything less comes second to a life of beautiful solitude with friends, pets and hobbies.*

This x 100

On the basis that there was only ever one bloke who was perfect, and they crucified him, everybody ‘settles’.

My DP isn’t perfect, and I am very far from perfect but we are first & foremost best friends, we have made it work for 25+ happy years and we are still together long after many people I know married their ‘soulmates’ then divorced them.