In 39 years I can count on one hand the amount of people (men) I've felt a romantic interest in. Sexual attraction. Chemistry. Infatuation. I don't feel things easily. I just don't. It's not that I think I'm above people or up my own arse etc, I'm just a bit awkward I suppose. I'm absolutely fucking sick of people telling me I'm "too fussy" I'm bloody not! I have never had a long term relationship or a real partner. Some 17 year olds have a more credible relationship history than me. It's utterly pathetic. I have had my heart severely broken 3 times. Once as a teenager by a total bastard who cheated on me constantly (I was just a kid who was still learning) once in my 20s by a businessman who turned out to be a complete narcissist and once 4 years ago by a man who was a very good person but for whatever reason just didn't love me back / wouldn't commit to anything more than FWB so I ended it and walked away. Each experience took me years to recover from. Other than that I have been alone all of my life other than a string of dead end dates and non starters. So for me, love (or failure to find it) has caused me nothing but trauma, disappointment and a hell of a lot of pain. I am probably in the loneliest place I've ever been but I'm an introvert, I don't really need a lot of people and I very much like my own company so I can cope with it. It hurts though, because I have a lot to give, I have a whole heart dripping with love and I know I would be a great wife to someone out there. I don't particularly have a "type" physically or personality wise. I either want someone or I don't.
I met a man 18 months ago online. I knew pretty much straightaway I didn't fancy him but for me feelings often develop over time, it takes me a while to adjust to things and he seemed lovely so I gave it a chance. There was nothing wrong with him and nothing that bothered me or anything, I was just indifferent. However he really turned out to be a genuinely lovely man and he had all the same morals as me and we had a lot in common so before I knew it he was calling me his girlfriend and I just went along with it. I really, really wanted to settle down with someone and in time it became clear that he absolutely adored me. He introduced me to everyone in his life, was over the moon to have me by his side and for the first time in my entire life I was a priority to someone. I felt cherished. He is very proud of me for whatever reason. For the first few months I was okay to carry on as things were and I just hoped it would grow and the spark would kick in. I was so relieved to have finally found "shelter" I just focused on that. But I knew after a while he just wasn't for me. The chemistry just wasn't there and there were incompatibility signs (relationship wise, not friendship wise) I gradually started to recognise. I won't bore with the details but I'm very introverted and he's very extroverted. I was starting to snap at him and treat him like an irritant and we were both feeling like shit, him because he felt like he was doing everything wrong and me because I just felt like a cold, nasty bitch, which I'm not. So a while back I ended the relationship and was very honest and just said I really, really cared about him and I had hoped that things would grow for us but he turned out to be more of a friend to me than a lover and it wasn't fair on him to carry on. It was awful for him but it was awful for me too because it was yet another crushing failure. He was and still is completely heartbroken, which I still feel terrible about. I would never set out to hurt somebody and I'm so so sorry I fucked around without working out my true feelings first. Over the last 6 months or so we have remained good friends although I told him it would be healthier for him to cut all ties. He told me he really wanted to stay friends, I said it was in his court and I would respect his wishes either way. So we've continued to meet up and do nice, simple things together like pub meals and rock climbing etc. Things we both really enjoy. I know deep down he is hoping I'll fall in love with him. I won't and I've been honest about that - and he is now debating cutting ties and I really don't blame him.
However... I'm not getting any younger. I live a very isolated life partly by choice partly not. My friends care about me but I'm miles away from most of them and they all have families of their own. I have interests and hobbies but I'm not a "group" person. I am very, very unlikely to ever find a partner again unless I trawl through Tinder or something on the off-chance there will be one kindred out of 400 absolute twats, which I have zero interest in doing. So unless my boiler fucks itself and the gas man turns out to be my future husband or I get stuck in a lift with some random I'm fully aware I will spend the rest of my life alone. For the record I CAN be alone and single for anyone suggesting, but I really don't want to be. I understand relationships are not perfect and everybody has to compromise on things, everyone has faults. I'm not asking for Disney. It's just so sad that the one thing missing from this relationship is such a big thing. Chemistry. It's not feasible to compromise on is it? I know it isn't really. But other than that we could have such a great life together. We have loads in common, we have so much fun, he has no kids - I am not child friendly - and most men either have or want them. I have absolutely no intention of disrespecting or lying to him and telling him my feelings have changed, I just know he would still be with me even knowing I'm not in love with him. Part of me just thinks oh fuck it, just be with him. Stay in the warm. He truly loves me, I adore the life he's introduced me to (he lives an unusual lifestyle), I get on brilliantly with his friends, I've had more fun over the last year with him than I've ever had with anyone, we look after each other and cook for each other and make an effort to do nice things etc, he's been massively supportive over a recent health scare, we've had some lovely times, my parents adore him, his Mum and Sister like me, he would NEVER cheat on me or be dishonest etc, all the bullshit women rant about on here because of their piece of shit partners would never enter my life, everything other than this one thing is lovely. But no matter how well everything fits I would in a relationship that is warm but totally without passion. The intimacy feels wrong and unnatural and I feel a sadness knowing I have so many feelings and so much love and fire locked inside me that I wish I could give to him, I wish a magician could make me feel differently. I've answered my own question I suppose. There are some things that can be missing from a relationship. This isn't one of them is it 😒