Was I mad to end this?

[ILoveSushi12345]

In 39 years I can count on one hand the amount of people (men) I've felt a romantic interest in. Sexual attraction. Chemistry. Infatuation. I don't feel things easily. I just don't. It's not that I think I'm above people or up my own arse etc, I'm just a bit awkward I suppose. I'm absolutely fucking sick of people telling me I'm "too fussy" I'm bloody not! I have never had a long term relationship or a real partner. Some 17 year olds have a more credible relationship history than me. It's utterly pathetic. I have had my heart severely broken 3 times. Once as a teenager by a total bastard who cheated on me constantly (I was just a kid who was still learning) once in my 20s by a businessman who turned out to be a complete narcissist and once 4 years ago by a man who was a very good person but for whatever reason just didn't love me back / wouldn't commit to anything more than FWB so I ended it and walked away. Each experience took me years to recover from. Other than that I have been alone all of my life other than a string of dead end dates and non starters. So for me, love (or failure to find it) has caused me nothing but trauma, disappointment and a hell of a lot of pain. I am probably in the loneliest place I've ever been but I'm an introvert, I don't really need a lot of people and I very much like my own company so I can cope with it. It hurts though, because I have a lot to give, I have a whole heart dripping with love and I know I would be a great wife to someone out there. I don't particularly have a "type" physically or personality wise. I either want someone or I don't.

I met a man 18 months ago online. I knew pretty much straightaway I didn't fancy him but for me feelings often develop over time, it takes me a while to adjust to things and he seemed lovely so I gave it a chance. There was nothing wrong with him and nothing that bothered me or anything, I was just indifferent. However he really turned out to be a genuinely lovely man and he had all the same morals as me and we had a lot in common so before I knew it he was calling me his girlfriend and I just went along with it. I really, really wanted to settle down with someone and in time it became clear that he absolutely adored me. He introduced me to everyone in his life, was over the moon to have me by his side and for the first time in my entire life I was a priority to someone. I felt cherished. He is very proud of me for whatever reason. For the first few months I was okay to carry on as things were and I just hoped it would grow and the spark would kick in. I was so relieved to have finally found "shelter" I just focused on that. But I knew after a while he just wasn't for me. The chemistry just wasn't there and there were incompatibility signs (relationship wise, not friendship wise) I gradually started to recognise. I won't bore with the details but I'm very introverted and he's very extroverted. I was starting to snap at him and treat him like an irritant and we were both feeling like shit, him because he felt like he was doing everything wrong and me because I just felt like a cold, nasty bitch, which I'm not. So a while back I ended the relationship and was very honest and just said I really, really cared about him and I had hoped that things would grow for us but he turned out to be more of a friend to me than a lover and it wasn't fair on him to carry on. It was awful for him but it was awful for me too because it was yet another crushing failure. He was and still is completely heartbroken, which I still feel terrible about. I would never set out to hurt somebody and I'm so so sorry I fucked around without working out my true feelings first. Over the last 6 months or so we have remained good friends although I told him it would be healthier for him to cut all ties. He told me he really wanted to stay friends, I said it was in his court and I would respect his wishes either way. So we've continued to meet up and do nice, simple things together like pub meals and rock climbing etc. Things we both really enjoy. I know deep down he is hoping I'll fall in love with him. I won't and I've been honest about that - and he is now debating cutting ties and I really don't blame him.

However... I'm not getting any younger. I live a very isolated life partly by choice partly not. My friends care about me but I'm miles away from most of them and they all have families of their own. I have interests and hobbies but I'm not a "group" person. I am very, very unlikely to ever find a partner again unless I trawl through Tinder or something on the off-chance there will be one kindred out of 400 absolute twats, which I have zero interest in doing. So unless my boiler fucks itself and the gas man turns out to be my future husband or I get stuck in a lift with some random I'm fully aware I will spend the rest of my life alone. For the record I CAN be alone and single for anyone suggesting, but I really don't want to be. I understand relationships are not perfect and everybody has to compromise on things, everyone has faults. I'm not asking for Disney. It's just so sad that the one thing missing from this relationship is such a big thing. Chemistry. It's not feasible to compromise on is it? I know it isn't really. But other than that we could have such a great life together. We have loads in common, we have so much fun, he has no kids - I am not child friendly - and most men either have or want them. I have absolutely no intention of disrespecting or lying to him and telling him my feelings have changed, I just know he would still be with me even knowing I'm not in love with him. Part of me just thinks oh fuck it, just be with him. Stay in the warm. He truly loves me, I adore the life he's introduced me to (he lives an unusual lifestyle), I get on brilliantly with his friends, I've had more fun over the last year with him than I've ever had with anyone, we look after each other and cook for each other and make an effort to do nice things etc, he's been massively supportive over a recent health scare, we've had some lovely times, my parents adore him, his Mum and Sister like me, he would NEVER cheat on me or be dishonest etc, all the bullshit women rant about on here because of their piece of shit partners would never enter my life, everything other than this one thing is lovely. But no matter how well everything fits I would in a relationship that is warm but totally without passion. The intimacy feels wrong and unnatural and I feel a sadness knowing I have so many feelings and so much love and fire locked inside me that I wish I could give to him, I wish a magician could make me feel differently. I've answered my own question I suppose. There are some things that can be missing from a relationship. This isn't one of them is it 😒

@tenredthings

Conversely you can have amazing chemistry with someone who really isn't great. Personally I rate friendship, companionship and compatibility higher than chemistry. I'm married 20 years and the chemistry fades, even if it was there in buckets at the beginning, but the relationship strengthens through all the shared experiences.

Thank you x

“More than likely youvwpuld have spent your life feeling like setting was missing. Constantly feeling alone even though you weren't. And perhaps even falling for someone else and realising you couldn't be with them because you'd shot yourself in the foot by marrying the other guy.”

THIS is exactly how I would describe it. It’s soul destroying and feels like a prison sentence. I have no regrets about ending my marriage last Christmas. I feel bad for him but it was obvious I was dying inside for a long time and, yes, my head was turned by someone else.

@tenredthings

Conversely you can have amazing chemistry with someone who really isn't great. Personally I rate friendship, companionship and compatibility higher than chemistry. I'm married 20 years and the chemistry fades, even if it was there in buckets at the beginning, but the relationship strengthens through all the shared experiences.

@tenredthings

I'm starting to think this is where I've been going wrong...and it's other lasting qualities that are more important for in a relationship

Bumping

I think there are plenty of couples who may not both feel that spark initially, but do build wonderful relationships together. Couples who may initially perhaps place more weight on other aspects, who are making a head rather than heart decision. Traditional in many societies and can work well, but doesn't sound like what you want. It sounds like you need to go looking for your romance, OP, otherwise you'll always be wondering "What if?".
You just need to put yourself out there and work on meeting people. It's a numbers game and, as you're fussy, you need to meet more people than others in order to have a fighting chance of finding someone you fancy. Tinder probably isn't your best bet as there's so much confusion over whether people on there are after a hookup or a relationship.
I don't think it's always necessary to have a long break between relationships. Sometimes you just need to pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and get on with it. Otherwise you might just mope around reading Barbara Cartland novels while your various Mr Rights (because there is never just The One) pass by on the other side of town.

@ILoveSushi12345

Thank you. The thing is... although I don't want Disney I have been in love before and fuck me even though it wasn't perfect it brought tears to my eyes. It was so powerful, so so real. I want that again. It felt completely and utterly wonderful. I want someone to walk into a room and for me to feel like wow I can't fucking believe that you are mine! I am so capable of this, for such few people. Even when they get on my bloody nerves sometimes. I want my heart to breathe if that makes sense. I have so very much to give, subtly so but just that look across the room. You know?

Reading this, OP, I do know what you mean but I'm not sure I value it that much nowadays -- that flaming passion you describe is a state that I associate with the gravitational pull of someone who makes me unsteady on my feet, who makes me lose my centre. It's romanticised in books and films, but it's actually not a particularly pleasant or reliable state of being, especially compared to the truly grounded joy you seem to have found with this man.

Thinking outside the box here, would he and you consider an open relationship? Be together for the friendship/love/support, but get the sex elsewhere? As it sounds like you are compatible on all levels apart from the sexual aspect.

It works for some….. Sorry if this is unhelpful, it just screamed out at me when I read your post.

I have to say the way you describe looking across the room with thoughts of 'wow you're really mine' is more the stuff of good movies. Don't get me wrong, it is important that both your needs are met but only you know how important each element is. The man you describe, your compatibility, the fun and enjoyment you had, that's the stuff that will carry you into old age. Does he make you laugh? Feel happy? Loved?

Sex is important but again this is a scale. It is for some the most crucial element, for others it is barely a consideration.

Love is not just romance. It is sharing a life with someone, sharing experiences and having someone in your corner. I would think long and hard about what you want into old age? Do you miss this man when he's not around? Do you look forward to spending time with him? Do you want to be with him?

There are no easy answers really. I think you will get a very eclectic mix of answers here depending on the stage of life and relationships but I suspect it will be the older women that have lived through a lot of relationship that might be the wisest. Sex changes as we age and relationships mature.

@tenredthings

Conversely you can have amazing chemistry with someone who really isn't great. Personally I rate friendship, companionship and compatibility higher than chemistry. I'm married 20 years and the chemistry fades, even if it was there in buckets at the beginning, but the relationship strengthens through all the shared experiences.

I used to think sex was the engine that drove a relationship, the glue that held it all together, etc etc. Now I think it's often the blinkers that make you turn a blind eye to all the crap!

I was slightly pissed when writing about Movie Love so was probably being a bit over the top, though it is true! The companionship I have with this man is the long lasting stuff, but the physical attraction isn't there at all. If it was even a third there I'd try to make it work but it isn't. I don't want an open relationship, you're either together or you're not. Plus a situation like that would destroy him.