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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm not sure what to think

37 replies

buggeritallupwhydontya · 26/12/2021 14:56

I went to a friend's house for dinner with my partner (2.5 years, not living together) on Christmas Eve and we got home at 2am. I drove - 1h15m trip either way. He slept in the car on the way back. Once home, he was feeling amorous but I said no because I just wanted to go straight to sleep. We both have high sex drives so although his is higher than mine, I don't reject him often at all. The next morning I got up early to feed the animals, had a coffee and then hopped back in bed hoping to get another hour's sleep. He made advances again and I said do you mind if we don't right now, I want to sleep a bit more, and I could tell he was put off. He tried again a few minutes later and I pulled away and he got up and sat moodily on the opposite side of the bed for a while. Then I tried once more to sleep and instead we ended up chatting a bit and he started caressing my thighs. I said maybe later and he again withdrew with a pus on his face and stopped chatting. Then after a few minutes he just turned and went on top of me and we ended up having sex. I still wasn't up for it but I can only say that I froze. I froze and didnt make a sound except to say yes when he asked me if he should come. Since then I've been rolling it around in my head and it just doesn't feel right. He didn't hurt me. He did ask a few times if I was ok but I was frozen and I didn't respond. I'm so confused about this, I don't know what to think. He's still at my house but he's leaving this afternoon and a part of me is counting down the seconds. We haven't been as huggy or as chatty with each other as we would normally be. Maybe it's just me. I really don't know. I don't know why I'm writing this here either, maybe just hoping to get some outside perspective on this??? Am I right to feel so off??? Should I say something to him??

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 26/12/2021 15:01

He raped you. Im so sorry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/12/2021 15:03

Am very sorry this happened to you. You did not give your consent for sex and you do not feel right because what happened to you was wrong.
Thankfully you do not live together, this will make ending the relationship somewhat easier.

I would contact Rape crisis as soon as you are able.

Quartz2208 · 26/12/2021 15:06

Oh you poor thing it must feel very confusing right now - because yes in spite of many clearly articulated no's he decided to have sex with you anyway and that is rape.

Freezing is perfectly normal and is a self defence mechanism this is not on you

motheroffour824 · 26/12/2021 15:10

I am so, so, sorry this has happened to you. You made your boundaries extremely clear. Consent isn't just "yes/no", it's body language too, and you were very clear with both. You have been raped, whether you choose to ultimately process it as such. I'm so glad he's leaving later, but with men like this it's very unlikely he will accept that he has assaulted you, let alone raped. Maybe confide in a close friend about this, you need some support, and please leave him.

buggeritallupwhydontya · 26/12/2021 17:19

Thank you for your responses. I half believe you're right and the other half is just confusion. It's been a lovely relationship with good mutual support and open communication up until yesterday. I believe if I had been able to tell him to stop that he would have, but I was just frozen. I wasn't even able to argue with him about it.

He's gone now and I'm going to see my parents. Before he left he brought up that I was cranky all day yesterday and I explained that I wasn't comfortable with how we had sex in the morning and was trying to get my head around it. He said that we'd had a lovely Christmas Eve and he was expecting to end it with sex but I didn't tell him it wasn't on the table, so he had a bad night and wasn't able to sleep. It was 2am by the time we got home and when he tried it on I said no, but apparently I should have told him earlier?? I often don't know that I'm up for it until it's right in front of me!!

He said then in the morning I was all cranky and he felt like he was forcing me. He said it's like taking him to a restaurant and not getting any food. Wtf?? Before he left he asked we're ok, are we? I just told him yes to not prolong the conversation but I'm not sure I want to see him again.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2021 17:28

Omg at your update op. He us fucking vile. Seriously he is disgusting. He basically told you he believes he has rights to your body any 5ine ge wants unless you give him fucking notice?!

He is a rape, mysoginistic piece of shit. And he is training you to feel as if you aren't allowed to say no.

Never let him anywhere near you again. Dumpnhim by text and tell him if he ever darkens your door again, you'll call the police. Then block him on everything and change your locks.

If you feel the need to speak with rape crisis, you can do that. Or even report him to the police. But I'm guessing just not dwelling on it will be better for your mental health. Get him out of your life for good though either way.

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2021 17:43

Seriously im still sat here in revulsion at that update op.

He felt like he was forcing you - yeah he knew you were not OK with the sex.

You told him it wasn't OK, he attempts to gaslight you by implying you saying no to sex would ruin Christmas eve. He then tells you that you have to give him notice not to have sex. And that he is the injured party because he didn't sleep well because he didn't have sex.

Just an utter monster op. I'm surprised you haven't noticed signs of what a pig he is before now tbh.

If I were you I would get evidence of these things he has said in a text form incase you want to prosecute at a later point.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/12/2021 17:46

I would leave a man who did this to me. I dont live with rapists.

BlueSlate · 26/12/2021 17:46

He raped you SadFlowers

You say you don't want to see him again. That's fine because you don't have to.

I wouldn't want to see him again either.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 26/12/2021 17:56

"He felt like he was forcing me", and then the restaurant analogy - bastard.

I'm sorry OP, but he knows exactly what he has done. The fact he is trying to justify it is beyond contempt.

Please get some support from friends/family and Rape Support if needed. Would you consider reporting? Please look after yourself - you are the only one who matters here.

CockSpadget · 26/12/2021 17:58

Wow, this is awful, and I'm so sorry for you. You told him several times that you were not up for sex, yet he carried on anyway. That is rape, there is no other description.
You're feeling confused, but if this had happened to a good friend or family member, what would you say to them? You would most likely tell them exactly what the other posters on here have said.
His words also tell you that he sees you as an object for his use and satisfaction.
Twisted bastard.

user15364596354862 · 26/12/2021 18:00

That was rape. I'm sorry. Please don't see him again.

Rape Crisis can be there for you.

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2021 18:02

Also, just a side note op, if it makes things more palatable for you to think of it this way:

a decent lover and human being doesn't shag someone until not only do they know they are up for sex but also, that they are really turned on. Sex is about pleasure for both parties. So why the fuck is someone trying to shag you when they think you aren't even comfortable? That in itself is messed up.

girlmom21 · 26/12/2021 18:07

OP you repeatedly said no. It doesn't matter than you didn't push him off or right him. Even if you believe it wasn't rape because he didn't hurt you (I know you haven't said that but you're not really sure what it was), he repeatedly disrespected your wishes and made you feel uncomfortable and questioning his actions.

With regards to him saying you should've told him earlier, maybe he should've pre-warned you that he was a massive bellend earlier.

PodgyMcPodgerson · 26/12/2021 18:10

Oh sweet he's raped you, end it. Don't explain why as he doesn't deserve anymore headspace from you, just block and delete and ask a friend to go and collect your keys if he has them and any of your things. They can return any of his stuff at the same time
And talk to someone about it to cement the fact that he is a manipulative, gaslighting piece of shit

billy1966 · 26/12/2021 18:16

100% rape and he knows well.

You poor woman.

You are meat to him.

Be glad he doesn't live with you.

Be glad you aren't married, nor have children with this piece of shit.

Women's Aid.
Rape Crisis.

You can decide if you want to report him, even if you don't want to go further.

He raped you and made a 100% conscious decision to do so.

You poor, poor woman.
Flowers

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 26/12/2021 18:18

I’m so sorry OP.

You will never be safe with this man again. That’s the long and the short of it. He knows he was forcing you and he carried on. He told you he knew. That tells you all you need to know.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 26/12/2021 18:21

Btw when he told you he felt like he was forcing you, he was telling you so that you would say “no, it’s ok, you weren’t forcing me”. And make him feel better about it because he feels bad. And then the next time he would do the same because you assured him it was fine. Don’t fall into that trap.

Hockeyboysmum · 26/12/2021 18:22

Awful awful update. Definitely never see him again. Even ignoring how disgusting he is youd never be able to relax around him ever again.he is vile and dangerous

wastingtimeagain · 26/12/2021 18:26

He said then in the morning I was all cranky and he felt like he was forcing me. He said it's like taking him to a restaurant and not getting any food

He's disgusting. He raped you and he knew he was raping you and now he's blaming you.

You can 100% be sure that if you keep seeing him he will rape you again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2021 18:27

He said then in the morning I was all cranky and he felt like he was forcing me.

He knows he had sex with you when you didn't want to have sex with him. Which is rape. So you don't have to be confused any more.

What do you want to do? There are emotional things like telling a friend or Rape Crisis. And there's practical like changing locks and passwords. Or nothing. That's OK too.

Theimpossiblegirl · 26/12/2021 18:30

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It is in no way your fault. He's an utter bastard.
He knows he raped you and he feels entitled to do so. He will do it again given the chance. Please contact rape crisis, you will need support.

totallyoutnumbered · 26/12/2021 18:33

Just here to say exactly the same as the other posters. This is most definitely rape and he knows it. I'm so sorry OP. Can you talk to someone IRL about this?. You must be so confused and in shock 😢

Fishlipandtoeface · 26/12/2021 18:33

Don’t know what to add but to say yes I agree with the other posters. And like another poster said freezing is a natural response - fight flight or freeze. It’s our ancient alarm protecting us so nothing to do with you thinking it was ok, in fact the opposite, your alarm kicked in. Please do not see him again.

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2021 18:40

I think the op is probably talking about confusion in the sense of, one day he is her partner who she cares for and assumes, cares for her. And the next he is this monster that she never would have expected and its just such a shock. A

nd unfortunately we tend to automatically look for ways to verify our original assumption about people we like being good human beings. But in this case, he really, really isn't. And I'm sorry but, he only cares about himself. And to treat a woman, any woman the way he has treated you op, shows clearly that he is nothing but a wolf that was hiding in sheeps clothing.

So don't be confused, anything up to that point was the disguise. Now you see the real him.

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