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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm not sure what to think

37 replies

buggeritallupwhydontya · 26/12/2021 14:56

I went to a friend's house for dinner with my partner (2.5 years, not living together) on Christmas Eve and we got home at 2am. I drove - 1h15m trip either way. He slept in the car on the way back. Once home, he was feeling amorous but I said no because I just wanted to go straight to sleep. We both have high sex drives so although his is higher than mine, I don't reject him often at all. The next morning I got up early to feed the animals, had a coffee and then hopped back in bed hoping to get another hour's sleep. He made advances again and I said do you mind if we don't right now, I want to sleep a bit more, and I could tell he was put off. He tried again a few minutes later and I pulled away and he got up and sat moodily on the opposite side of the bed for a while. Then I tried once more to sleep and instead we ended up chatting a bit and he started caressing my thighs. I said maybe later and he again withdrew with a pus on his face and stopped chatting. Then after a few minutes he just turned and went on top of me and we ended up having sex. I still wasn't up for it but I can only say that I froze. I froze and didnt make a sound except to say yes when he asked me if he should come. Since then I've been rolling it around in my head and it just doesn't feel right. He didn't hurt me. He did ask a few times if I was ok but I was frozen and I didn't respond. I'm so confused about this, I don't know what to think. He's still at my house but he's leaving this afternoon and a part of me is counting down the seconds. We haven't been as huggy or as chatty with each other as we would normally be. Maybe it's just me. I really don't know. I don't know why I'm writing this here either, maybe just hoping to get some outside perspective on this??? Am I right to feel so off??? Should I say something to him??

OP posts:
kelseypops · 26/12/2021 18:41

Gosh I'm sorry op. Reading your thread reminds me of this happening with my exH. Usually when drunk, usually wouldn't take no for an answer so I would just give in....and froze like you. It was only when i left that I realised it was rape.

He also used to just randomly grab my boobs whenever he wanted which I hated and felt completely uncomfortable with. Invading my personal space.

Keep posting on here op, it will help you get through the next few days/weeks. I'd also confide in someone in real life who you can trust.

Lots of love, so sorry x

Nogardenersworld · 26/12/2021 18:43

This man believes you owe him sex.
You ‘should have told him earlier’ he had a bad nights sleep ‘because of you’ you said no repeatedly and he did it anyway. Surely he would know you have frozen. My DH would certainly know something was up. But he carried on. He even said he felt like he was forcing you. Surely having sex with someone not up for it Is the least sexy thing you can do. Why would you want anyone you care for to feel forced into sex. Why wouldn’t you stop.
and then for you to tell him you felt uncomfortable and him to blame you!! I’m angry for you. Again if I told DH I felt uncomfortable or unhappy with anything we had done he would be sick. But this man blamed you.
Please leave him and be safe

buggeritallupwhydontya · 27/12/2021 00:31

Thank you again for your responses. You are giving words to the thoughts I'm trying not to think.

It's still rolling around in my head. As someone said before, the confusion stems from this happening in what was, up till now, a really lovely relationship. I did have to talk to him once before about him getting moody when I rejected his advances - he was in a huff with me for hours so I broached it and we talked about how it felt like pressure to me, and very unsexy. He was very apologetic and told me he didn't realise that's how I felt. I thought no more of it until his moodiness yesterday morning and then he went and did that.

I think I will talk to someone tomorrow but not one of my friends or family.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2021 02:15

So basically he escalated from the first time where he was just moody to the second time where he was moody and then he acted on it.

And the first time he pretended not to realise his behaviour was not OK. And now, he is trying to make you out to be the unreasonable one.

He is getting worse and worse.
If you let him back into your life he will think 'aha, I got away with coercive, manipulative behaviour twice now, what else can I do?'. He is an abusive, plain and simple. And it would escalate.

It's disgusting that there are men like him in the world and always horrifying to discover its people close to us. But it's a story as old as time. God once thought lucifer was a great fella all together....see how that worked out. We are all capable of being fooled by shitty, evil people.

Cast them out and continue to shine your shine though op. You are better than him. You deserve only good people in your life .

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2021 02:25

He is fucking horrible. Don't ever see or speak to this man again. He has shown you who he really is, even before this happened.

immersivereader · 27/12/2021 02:25

Get rid of him immediately op. Do not see him again.

immersivereader · 27/12/2021 02:28

He was very apologetic and told me he didn't realise that's how I felt.

^

Confused

No?? You say no, he pesters, and he doesn't realise that's not appealing??

Reverse the situation. Do you think he'd realise how he felt?

What a waste of space.

SpindleSpangle · 27/12/2021 02:44

Women freeze because they are trying to avoid being killed by men in anger. The freezing is an involuntary appeasement of sorts, in a dangerous situation.

You can keep this man out of your life, OP. I wish you well Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2021 03:01

He said then in the morning I was all cranky and he felt like he was forcing me.

So at the time this was happening, he knew you didn't want it and that he was 'forcing' you. And, knowing this, it did not occur to him that doing so was wrong and that he needed to stop immediately. That is really all kinds of fucked up and shows a profound lack of respect for you, and your right to body autonomy.

I don't care how 'nice' the relationship has been up until now, he has just shown you a really, really bad side of himself wrt his sexual morals and his belief that his dick is entitled to whatever it wants, when it wants it. And it makes me wonder how many other women he's done this to. I cannot believe you're the first.

I'd seriously reconsider this relationship.

RantyAunty · 27/12/2021 03:10

PPs have already said the important things.
Please text him to fuck off and block him.

I hate those types that keep fucking pestering and pestering trying to wear you down. No means no.

Newestname002 · 28/12/2021 02:38

I'm so sorry this has happen this you, @buggeritallupwhydontya.

Whatever you decide to do next, please change your locks if he has keys to your home. Don't rely on him giving you his set of keys back - keys are easily copied. 🌹

Colourmeclear · 28/12/2021 12:36

This is a quote by Judith Herman which has always summed up my confusion:

“in practice the standard for what constitutes rape is not set at the level of experience of women’s violation but just above the level of coercion acceptable to men.”

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It doesn't sound like he's the kind of person to listen to your own experience. I think attitude to sex is very important that you are in the same ball park, similar to finances etc but it sounds like he isn't.

It's up to you where you head next. I would set very clear boundaries etc. My partner is very respectful and I have some boundaries that are probably weird to others such as not instigating sex in bed, if we have been drinking etc because of my past. We still have sex that we both enjoy within the parameters of what feels comfortable to me. My partner loves me and only wants sex if I want it too. If I'm frozen because of trauma etc then he stops, asks me if I'm ok, gives me a hug, tells me he can tell I'm not ok, brings me tea, reminds me that I can always say no. There are good men out there. I think sometimes we think we have to settle for someone who isnt horrific as if unwanted sex is a sort of price to pay for being in a relationship. It shouldn't be.

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