Inlaws-the bane of my life!!

[emptypurse]

Sorry if this gets long!
DP and I have been together 3 years and have a 17 month old DS.
When DP and I first got together I was really close to his mum and loved visiting/having her visit but I didnt get on with his Dad (they are seperated and both remarried )
His Dad is a horrible man in my opinion and treats DP like dirt, He is always looking down his nose at him and telling him what he should be achieving and doing with his life but never praises him for what he has, luckily we only have to put up with him every 3-5 months and the odd email inbetween visits but it always gets me down when we do see him. DS wasnt planned but was a welcome suprise to everyone except FIL who said he was too young to be a grandad (he is 56 and retired!) and has only seen DS about 6 times since he was born and never interacts with him when he does bother to visit.
MIL on the other hand was over the moon at the news and was forever thanking me for this wonderful "gift" they lived just over an hour away and would visit every couple of months but she would phone a couple of times a week and we would chat for hours.
DP and I have had our problems in the past have nearly split a few times, about 5 months ago I was watching tv and DP was upstairs on the computer and when he came down I didnt notice so he started shouting at me that I didnt love him and that I was a bitch! Cue arguement! I told him he was pathetic and he stormed out of the house and threatened to kill himself! I talked him round and he came home but I was very angry with him for his behaviour and told him that I wanted out of the relationship, I text his mum and said i was sorry that we were over and that I hoped she would remain part of DS life, they were supposed to be visiting the next day and obviously this got cancelled.
DP begged me not to go and we eventually talked everthing through and agreed to stay together.
The next day I found out that MIL had sent DP a text saying that " I was always calling wolf and she was fed up of it"
DP spoke to her and told her that the text had upset me and she said that I was "like the daughter she never had" That night I couldnt help myself and looked through DPs phone and found other messages saying stuff like "call her bluff" and "let her sulk" that had been sent weeks and months before! I was so hurt because I though we got along, MIL phoned the next day and I didnt pick up because I didnt know what to say to her and then she rang over the next couple of days but I wasnt in, The next thing I know is that I get a text message saying " I have tried to contact you several times to no avail, i stand by what I said, wont try again I thought we had a good relationship but obviously not"
This caused a big arguement between DP and I and he said "If you wont speak to my mum then I dont want you in my life" and we split and I moved 2 hours away to live near my mum and dad.
Dp followed me down and begged for another chance and apologising and in the end he moved down here to start a fresh.
The problem is that I am still not speaking to his mum and she is still slagging me off behind my back! SHe sent a message to DP saying that i was cruel to deny him his family- I have never stopped her seeing DS and even suggested to DP that he invite them over and I would go out so they could see him but she wouldnt come and still wont!
We are now getting christmas cards from his side and I have been left off them all and DPs aunt rang him yesterday to say that his Mum has started drinking heavily! So the whole family are blaming me when I did nothing wrong!!
I just dont know what to do because this is starting to put pressure on our relationship cos I feel DP isnt standing up for me but also cos DP is stuck in the middle!

Congratulations to anyone who has got this far!

What do you think I should do?

bumping because its about to fall of the page. To pissed to answer.

Did you ever challenge her on the text messages?

Has she said why she will not visit to see your ds if you are not there?

Have you ever found out what dp has been telling her about you? Why she was texting him saying "call her bluff" etc....

Sounds to me like there were 3 people in your relationship.. why in the hell did his mum have to know every going on in your marriage?

Sounds to me that the reason that both you and MIL aren't speaking to each other is that you both felt very hurt. You because you felt betrayed and she because when she attempted to talk to you about it, you didn't give her a chance.

You clearly got on very well in the beginning so I'd say that you should speak to her one to one. Explain how hurt you felt, but be prepared to meet her half way.

If I were in your husbands shoes I would hope that two people who love me would do their best to get along and not expect me to take sides.

I have never challenged her and too much time has passed now!

I did ask DP and he did admit that he may have been "economical" with the truth so I am annoyed at his part in it but I also thought that MIL and I were close enough for her to ask me my side before slagging me off!

She said she wouldnt visit because there would be an "atmosphere" how can there be when im not there!!
She then said she couldnt visit because her husbands MS was bad at the moment- which may be true but its only 2 hours away for gods sake and when we lived up north my mum used to visit us regularly and has osteoporosis (sp?) and 2 curves in her spine and shouldnt drive long distance but she still did it! OR why cant she come on her own

This is whats getting to me she says we wont let her see him but she wont come when invited- I cant win!!

you are both in the wrong.

Your dp is her son. If he's been slagging you off to his mother (and tbh from the texts it sounds to me as if he probably has) then she is of course going to take his side and stand up for him. If she was saying that you were always crying wolf then could it be that your dp has been telling her that you've threatened to leave on occasion?

As for you refusing to speak to her, that is your fault and she cannot be held responsible for that, esp as she did try to call to resolve things - you were the one unwilling to talk to her. so if things have gone too far to be resolve now then tbh I think you have a huge part to play in that.

You are both behaving like childre IMO and one of you needs to grow up and make the first move.

I HAVE made the first move by getting DP to invite her over to see DS and even offered to not be there

I know DP told her stuff that wasnt completely true and he knows that he was in the wrong but I also thought that MIL and I were close enough for her to speak to me about it instead of slgging me off behind my back especially as I have told her about DPs behaviour before and she agreed that he can be unreasonable

I only ignored the first phone call and that was because I was so hurt and didnt know what to say- the other times I was at work (and she knew that) I was going to write her a letter explaining how I felt but then I got the text saying "I stand by what I said" and then the arguement with DP happened

"I HAVE made the first move by getting DP to invite her over to see DS and even offered to not be there". no, that is not you making the first move, that is you getting your dp to do it for you.

You are both adults fgs, behave as such, that is by talking to each other not through your dp.

If you and your dp are to have a lasting relationship, then you and your mil will be in each other's lives for possibly the next 20/30/40 years. Are you going to always be out for that time?

You said your mil agreed that your dp's behavior could be unreasonable at time - is that not her slagging him off to you too? she was only agreeing with your dp in the same way as she'd agreed with you in the past.

I think this boils down to whether you WANT her back in your life or not. It seem slike you don't?

I guess it's not too late to write that letter ...

I know DP told her stuff that wasnt completely true and he knows that he was in the wrong but I also thought that MIL and I were close enough for her to speak to me about it instead of slgging me off behind my back especially as I have told her about DPs behaviour before and she agreed that he can be unreasonable

So if DH tells her about your behaviour (whether genuine or made up) and she agrees with him that you can be unreasonable then that is "slagging you off behind your back"?

But if you tell her about your DH's behaviour and she agrees with you that he can be unreasonable then that is a sign of what a wonderful close relationship you have (and not, presumably, "slagging him off behind his back")?

Frankly I think all three of you are unreasonable. Bad idea for a MIL to get involved in talking to one of a couple about the other's behaviour at all. Bad idea for the couple to talk to the MIL about it. Very bad idea for your DH to lie to your MIL about your behaviour. Very bad idea for your MIL to jump to conclusions about your not talking to her. Very bad idea for you then to overreact and start genuinely not talking to her.

When I said I have talked to her about DPs behaviour I didnt mean behind his back,He knows and was there at the time and his mum told HIM that he was unreasonable

Well thanks for being honest
Now I know that I should take all manner of crap that DP throws at me and then allow his family to throw somemore, and that its ok for her to tell the rest of the family blatant lies and for me to not get upset thanks for clearing it up!

for what it is worth, i have had a little of this.

firstly, you should phone her get it off your chest but also listen to her.

secondly, welcome her into your lives with open arms.

thirdly, dont tell her anything in the future and be firm but gentle that it is your relationship and marriage, you love him and ds and any advice needed, if needed will be asked for.

i found when i did this with mother in law things got alot better and now she knows she cannot go behind by back to my dh as she used to.

Agree with another poster about confronting her about texts and sort it out like two adults.

Do you want to discuss the situation with your mil?
If not, why don't you call her yourself and just ask her to visit? Then you may not have to deal with what has happened until you both feel ready.
Even if your relationship with mil never returns to how it was, it may get so your dp is not so stuck in the middle!

you need to grow up

your reasons for 'ending your relationship seem a little flimsy when you have a child; you are reacting to every little thing and not considering anyone else's point of view.

Apologise for your part in this mess, genuinely apologise to your dp's mother and mean it. Then work at your relationships, with your dp & his mother......that means talking to them honestly and seeing anothers point of view

for your dcs sake, try

one day YOU will be the MIL.....

To play happy smiley games with someone whilst writing "let her sulk", "call her bluff" behind her back is a mind f*ck. She obviously has no integrity. Its okay to not like someone, but not okay to be on the phone a couple of times a week with said person, pretending you're best of friends. And what on earth is your partner doing reporting every little detail of your relationship to his mother? Every little spat and comment? Talk about no breathing space!!

I think its a classic case of she will not let her son grow up. It sounds like she's living vicariously through him and has no life of her own (not your or her son's fault or problem BTW)She will accept you in his life as long as you tow the line. Your partners obviously loves you, but the pull towards his mother is so strong that he doesn't know what to do with himself. I had this with my DH. I told him "if you get rid of me, do your really believe your problems will be over? Because she will behave like this with the next woman and the next woman." I wonder how your MIL treated other women in his life, but I suspect it was the same. A big sign is if she thinks the exes were brilliant compared to you. Chances are she hated the exes too.

So, what to do? Well, its a really good first step to have moved away. The second step is to forget the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), take a step back and concentrate on your relationship. No child ever got messed up by not having a grandmother in their life, but it will affect your child a lot if their parents split up. So the focus of your energy should be on your relationship, not on this interfering woman. It might not have to be forever, but this woman needs her own life and to know that you have yours and are entitled to space.

thank you Sakura
That is the point I was trying to make if she was saying stuff about me that is fine - she is entitled to an opinion of her own, its the fact that she was being so nice to my face the rest of the time and telling me that I was the best thing to ever happen to DP.

DP has only had 1 other GF and she hated her too- infact the first time I met her, her last comment as I left was "your so much better than his ex "

I also found out that DP would tell her we had fallen out and she would ring for a "chat" and then she would report back saying "she didnt mention anything"
I just feel betrayed by this woman that I called my second mum and now I look back at every conversation and wonder when she was ever truthful with me.

I was always the one that did the inviting and suggesting we go there so she could see DS but now im accused of stopping access when I would NEVER do that.

I agree that the problems here have come about because she, you and your dp have allowed her to be too involved in your relationship. I think you and your DP need a serious agreement that you and he will not talk to her about your relationship - you need to be a strong unit and to build trust between you and to know that each can rely on the other to talk to each other about problems rather than going to his mum.

i also think she made an unrealistic expectation by saying you were like her daughter; when the chips are down, he is her boy and that is where her loyalties are, don't expect too much of that MIL DIL relationship...

but having sorted it with your DP I do then think you need to phone her or see her and communicate directly. No good can happen without grown up direct communication. I would tell her that you're sorry things went the way they did and basically you want to move on.

But you and dp need to ensure you keep her at a distance from the inner workings of your relationship...

emptypurse, I really understand where you are coming from, although I put up with a lot more cr*p from my MIL before I decided not to speak to her anymore.

Looking back now, it's difficult to decide whether I should've done it sooner, like you.
It would've saved me a lot of heartache, BUT, I can with all honesty say I did everything I could for us to have a relationship.

Like you, I was the one organising all contact (dh couldn't be bothered). Like you I thought we were close, I'd known her for 6 years and in that time I was the one she always called in an emergency (of which there were many - she's a depressed, alcoholic, hypochondriac(sp)).

When the proverbial sh*t hit the fan, I was the one she turned on and it was only then that I learned she had been talking about me behind my back for 6 years. Saying I stole from her. That I go through her things when she's not there, that I'm a bully. That I'm out to steal her son from her. (Her son btw avoids her like the plague as she is an extremely difficult person and if it wasn't for me they actually would've stopped speaking about 5 years ago!)

Anyway, the betrayal I felt was immense. There's no way you can describe it for other people to understand. I also now get the whole sob story that I am refusing her access to her grandson which is completely untrue.

What I'm thinking in your case though is that maybe you should try again with her. What happened wasn't nice, but it wasn't the biggest thing in the world either. In all honesty, I don't think this will be the last time, especially since she is drinking and you're getting the blame for it. But being the bigger person a few more times will make you feel (ever so slightly) less guilty when you DO decide to cut her out. Good luck chick.

EP, I think you need to have it out with your DP, the fact he is a lire, a mummy's boy, and not really much use.

He needs to tell his mother HE was the one calling wolf, grown ups don't go off and kill themself over a tiff.

As for the Christmas cards from his family, bin them they are just childish (see a patten here?)

Also if his mother is drinking thats her doing not yours. If she is such a weak person that she turns to the bottle when she is not getting her own way it is not your fault.

I would think long and hare about if you really want to be with this man and his mad family.

ISKKSC I did have to think long and hard about whether I wanted to stay with DP because he has played a huge part in this fall out but is also trying to pin it all on me, I do love him and he is better now we have moved down here and apart from this things are great between us.

I know I am probably making excuses for him but part of the reason he acts like he does is because of his childhood.
When his parents split up his mum had a breakdown and he lived with his dad who married an alcoholic and DP got treated like crap, there was a big custody battle over many years and both MIL and FIL kidnapped DP from eachother at different times!
When DP moved back with his mum she had remarried and a few years later her husband commited suicide (over money issues I think) this happened while DP was at uni and he worked his arse off so that he could pay her mortgage as she wasnt working.

He has told me he has told his mum the truth now about our arguements but I only have his word for that.

Wonkyangel I don know how to be the bigger person- I just dont know what I can say after all this time without wanting to shout at her for telling lies! and I dont want to make matters even worse because DS will start picking up on these things soon

Aargh, EP I had a long answer written up and accidently hit delete!

I think the first thing you need to try and do is get your dp on your side. I was lucky, my dh stood by me with everything.

Maybe you should write her a letter. But I don't think you should post it. Maybe you should both write to each other and sit down together, read the letters and respond in person. That way, you can ensure that you're not reading into things wrongly.

And agree to forgive and forget, write it down as a misunderstanding?

Do you want to be friends with her again?

I dont think we could ever be friends again because I couldnt trust anything she said but I want it to be sorted for the sake of DP and DS and for her to stop blaming with for stuff that isnt my fault (the drinking and not seeing DS)

I feel bad for DP because he is stuck in the middle but I also want him to understand my side of things.

I have said from the start that I will be civil and let them visit but she wont come unless things are sorted!

I will try and write a letter but im not really sure where to start

emptypurse, I agree with all the positive things that people have said.

I understand that your DP is stuck in the middle but I think that you ask him where his priorities lie.

I had to do this with my DH. It wasn't about choosing between myself and his mother, it was about what he wanted in life.

I asked him if he wanted us to actually have a relationship with a future, a good one without all the arguments about his mother, whether he ever wanted a good relationship with anyone if we split up, because his mother would be the same with any woman, and whether he wanted to lead his life as his own or did he want it to be ruled by his mother?

My DH thought long and hard about it and eventually started to put his foot down with her but it is an ongoing battle (a story for another time!!), but life is so much easier now that he doesn't let her dictate to him how to live his life and its just me and him in our relationship.

I think that you and your DP need to agree not to tell MIL anything to do with your relationship.

Maybe you could phone her and try to clear the air (do it in the evening so you can have a couple of glasses of wine beforehand for a bit of Dutch courage).

In future just try to see her as your DS's grandmother and DP's mother. Not as a friend of any kind.