Inlaws-the bane of my life!!

[emptypurse]

Sorry if this gets long!
DP and I have been together 3 years and have a 17 month old DS.
When DP and I first got together I was really close to his mum and loved visiting/having her visit but I didnt get on with his Dad (they are seperated and both remarried )
His Dad is a horrible man in my opinion and treats DP like dirt, He is always looking down his nose at him and telling him what he should be achieving and doing with his life but never praises him for what he has, luckily we only have to put up with him every 3-5 months and the odd email inbetween visits but it always gets me down when we do see him. DS wasnt planned but was a welcome suprise to everyone except FIL who said he was too young to be a grandad (he is 56 and retired!) and has only seen DS about 6 times since he was born and never interacts with him when he does bother to visit.
MIL on the other hand was over the moon at the news and was forever thanking me for this wonderful "gift" they lived just over an hour away and would visit every couple of months but she would phone a couple of times a week and we would chat for hours.
DP and I have had our problems in the past have nearly split a few times, about 5 months ago I was watching tv and DP was upstairs on the computer and when he came down I didnt notice so he started shouting at me that I didnt love him and that I was a bitch! Cue arguement! I told him he was pathetic and he stormed out of the house and threatened to kill himself! I talked him round and he came home but I was very angry with him for his behaviour and told him that I wanted out of the relationship, I text his mum and said i was sorry that we were over and that I hoped she would remain part of DS life, they were supposed to be visiting the next day and obviously this got cancelled.
DP begged me not to go and we eventually talked everthing through and agreed to stay together.
The next day I found out that MIL had sent DP a text saying that " I was always calling wolf and she was fed up of it"
DP spoke to her and told her that the text had upset me and she said that I was "like the daughter she never had" That night I couldnt help myself and looked through DPs phone and found other messages saying stuff like "call her bluff" and "let her sulk" that had been sent weeks and months before! I was so hurt because I though we got along, MIL phoned the next day and I didnt pick up because I didnt know what to say to her and then she rang over the next couple of days but I wasnt in, The next thing I know is that I get a text message saying " I have tried to contact you several times to no avail, i stand by what I said, wont try again I thought we had a good relationship but obviously not"
This caused a big arguement between DP and I and he said "If you wont speak to my mum then I dont want you in my life" and we split and I moved 2 hours away to live near my mum and dad.
Dp followed me down and begged for another chance and apologising and in the end he moved down here to start a fresh.
The problem is that I am still not speaking to his mum and she is still slagging me off behind my back! SHe sent a message to DP saying that i was cruel to deny him his family- I have never stopped her seeing DS and even suggested to DP that he invite them over and I would go out so they could see him but she wouldnt come and still wont!
We are now getting christmas cards from his side and I have been left off them all and DPs aunt rang him yesterday to say that his Mum has started drinking heavily! So the whole family are blaming me when I did nothing wrong!!
I just dont know what to do because this is starting to put pressure on our relationship cos I feel DP isnt standing up for me but also cos DP is stuck in the middle!

Congratulations to anyone who has got this far!

What do you think I should do?

well thanks for all the messages I have biten the bullet and wrote MIL an email (its easier to say everything I want without getting emotional and forgetting stuff and also no chance of saying the wrong thing)
I have explained how hurt the messages made me feel and pointed out my side of things including how DP is at fault for his lies and for telling her stuff, then I have apologised for my part in prolonging the problem and for making her feel she cant see DS (and explained that I never meant to do that) and for my part of trapping DP in the middle of our arguement.
I have also suggested that we meet up soon so she can see DS and we can talk face to face and end the feud.
I sent it to DP first and he said that parts sound harsh but that she does need to know how I feel and he said he is proud of me for taking the first step.
DP will forward it later as she is working till 630pm and shares her email with her husband so if he gets it first he will either send a stupid reply or delete it (DPs words not mine) and I start work at 4pm, plus this way DP can ring her and tell her to check for it.
SO I guess I just have to wait and see what happens now.
I have told DP that I am trying to resolve things and its down to her now and that if she throws it back in my face I wont try again. DP agreed that it was fair to say that and will support me if she carries the feud on.

Good for you!

I would put in a letter and post it. No way would I trust Dp to send it unaltered.

I don't think you need to try again with her. She will never change. Its not just the fact that she's betrayed you (although that is a big thing), its more the fact that she seems to think that she has this role as "matriarch" or something, where she is a major role player in your marriage. This is not normal at all. HEalthy parents take a back step and allow their children happiness and the chance to make a go of it and to make their own mistakes. Its fine to offer help when needed but not to be so involved. She is making your marriage all about her because it seems that she's the kind of person who needs the limelight on her. FGS, she should get a hobby, get out more get her own life.

I'm not saying you never have to see her again, I'm just saying you definitely need some breathing space from her. Yes, I'm sure she'll pull out all the stops- go on about how you'Re keeping her from her grandchild etc etc, but you'll just have to say that you think that you need time to work on your marriage and even though you know that grandparents are important, it is far more important for your marriage to work. If you split up from DP that is the worst thing that can happen to your children and you want to try everything to make sure that doesn't happen.

Oh, I just read that you sent an e-mail. Okay, we can just wait and see how it pans out. Hope I'm wrong and it turns out okay for you regarding her.

Hi Sakura,
Yeah I caved and sent her an email mainly for DPs sake as he is stuck in the middle and also for DS as I dont want him being raised into this agro.

I was at work all evening but she has left a voicemail saying she wants us to have the relationship we had before and that she wants to forget the misunderstandings.
There was no apology for her behaviour and its not going to be how it was, Im prepared to get on with her and have contact but I will be very guarded with what I tell her now and wont allow myself to get sucked in by the nicey nicey act-its like they say once bitten twice shy.

At least this time I know what im facing so it should be easier.Plus I have told DP that he is not to tell her stuff about our relationship so that she hasnt got any ammunition (sp?)

Agree with prickly and sakura. You need to set boundaries and forget the "friendship" side of things. Not realistic after everything that has happened and not necessary either. IMO the key ingredient in a MIL/DIL relationship is mutual respect. You respect that she was there first and has her own relationship with her son and (lesser extent, and subject to boundaries) grandchild. She respects your position and watches what she says and does. Sometimes if people treat each other cautiously and at arm's length for a long enough time a kind of friendship can develop naturally based on trust and proven understated support. It all depends on how you behave and the character of your MIL. Not easy, classic case of actions speak louder than words. Good luck.

Well empty purse.

She sounds flaky to say the least HOWEVER you did get on at the beginning. This changes everything but I wouldb't say she is really interfering, merely taking sides with her son - which is unfortunate.

Learn your lesson - be nice to inlaws but never forget there is no blood bond.

I have this from my MIL. There are definately 3 people in my marriage - and things alot worse since birth of first ds. I plan to now stop this - she won't like it, but I'm not going to have my life influenced by a person like that.

Be firm but polite. Get your marriage back on track. She sounds a bit of a desperate prat to be honest, nothing more.

i think you've dealt with this perfectly, actually; you've been the bigger person and made the first move and without putting any ridiculous sabotaging 'provisos' on that people often do, they say things like "I'll talk to her but only if she apologises for this or that"....you've realised that you have to be pragmatic and accept that if she is willing for a fresh start as well then that's as good as it's going to be.

And to keep in mind that you're going to be a bit more emotionally distant from her is a really good idea. Best thing you've done though is make your DP realise that he must not involve his mum in your relationship; at least you've got a fighting chance of it all working now. Good luck.

Yes provisos are ridiculous. But boundaries are essential.
It sounds like it should be fine if you are going in with a "wizer", less trusting approach. I would just be wary of her. Just because she is a MIL does not give her some apparent right to treat people as she likes.