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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband always pestering me... HELP

36 replies

Aust98 · 26/12/2021 01:33

Hi All,

Been together 10yrs married for 4. Youngest child (1yr) caused me severe back pelvis problems which I still have and am in agony almost all day every day.

My grandmother just passed last month, I found a lump in my leg the day after (currently awaiting an unltrasound) also been under investigation by my GP for possible early menopause and am also awaiting a liver ultrasound due to blood results

We're constantly arguing because I never feel like doing it lately. I am burnt out physically and emotionally and he just doesn't seem to get it. I've explained it to him a million times and he just gets mad and says I don't care about him. I've tried to ignore him, i've broken down in tears and explained how he makes me feel by doing it, It's constant like every day, when he's not trying it on he's groping me or he's making sexual jokes or sarcastic comments about me not going near him.

The truth is the more he carries on like this the more I don't want to go near him.

I don't know how else I can approach it but I have had enough and really need some advice, how would you handle it?

OP posts:

Graphista · 26/12/2021 01:39

Ltb!

He's a selfish arrogant sexually predatory creep! Why are you still with him?!

I'd have booted him far sooner!

Snugglybuggly · 26/12/2021 01:41

Seconded
LTB

GregTheEgg · 26/12/2021 01:56

Urgh he’s a sex pest with no respect for you as a person - he clearly doesn’t give a shit about your health, mental or physical, and just sees you as a gatekeeper to the vagina he thinks he owns. Please do yourself a huge favour and leave him. He is awful. I don’t care how good he is in any other way. Any man who treats you as a collection of holes for his own enjoyment rather than a person with your own needs and feelings should just fuck right off.

WhatAreYourThoughtsHmmmmm · 26/12/2021 02:01

Every kind of wrong.

He should be supporting you and trying to make your life easier not harassing you.

Ditch him. (I know it’s easier said than done).

Shoxfordian · 26/12/2021 06:30

Think seriously about whether you want to stay with someone who treats you like a defective sex doll not a person

GoodnightGrandma · 26/12/2021 06:32

He is a sex pest. Kick him out.

Gretaburley · 26/12/2021 06:33

Uuugh!
My dgm was not allowed to ever get pregnant again after my uncle was born in the late 30’s. So my dgd left her alone because he loved her and didn’t want to endanger her health.
As a decent dh should.

autieok · 26/12/2021 06:44

He's really handling it badly. It seems like he's taking your lack of interest personally and it's become a battle for him. It's hard to say what to do if you have already sat down and explained you need space, time and support. He should be trying to build you up not make things worse. I wonder if there's any books/online articles he could read to try and better understand

TwilightSkies · 26/12/2021 07:09

If you are burnt out he should be trying to support you and make your life easier.
Sounds like he doesn’t care about you as a person, only what he can ‘get’ from you.

Original poster

Aust98 · 26/12/2021 19:06

Thank you all,

He is taking it very personally but also just point blank fails to see where I'm coming from.

He says I don't understand how he feels and I do BUT the more he goes on the more I can't bare him. It's just a vicious circle. He's been like this for ages now but this past year has been the worst.

I had a c-section and a matter of days later he's asling me when I will be on again because he has needs, I totally lost it at that point and he must have backed off for a week or 2 but that's about it.

I am honestly miserable and can't see it lasting much longer if he doesn't change

OP posts:

Original poster

Aust98 · 26/12/2021 19:07

Asking*
OK again*

OP posts:

Wombat69 · 26/12/2021 19:11

Plain nasty & abusive.

Why haven't you already told him to permanently fuck off somewhere else?

Tell him a wank sock gets more respect.

EvilPea · 26/12/2021 19:15

I had one like this.
It’s coercive sexual assault/ abuse
How many times have you engaged in sexual contact to get him to just shut the fuck up?
How many time have you had sex when you’ve not wanted to because it will ease the nagging?

I’m so sorry. It won’t get better

wastingtimeagain · 26/12/2021 19:15

@autieok

He clearly doesn't want to understand OPs point of view. OP speaks English and he understands English. Its not hard. All of us have managed to understand OPs point of view from one short post.

He doesn't want to understand OP or to support her. He just wants a shag.

Its that simple and that revolting. He's not a good man.

Calamitydrayne · 26/12/2021 19:17

This isn't going to be a popular view but sexless relationships are rarely sustainable unless both of you feel the same way. It's ok that you don't want sex but it's also not a crime that he does. It is unfair that he pesters you for it but it's also unfair that he is expected to have no sex life and not even have an opinion about that. I think you need to look at splitting because rather than just seeing him as the problem the reality is that this isn't really fair on either of you. It isn't wrong not to want sex but it isn't wrong for him to want a sex life either.

EvilPea · 26/12/2021 19:20

I can tell you what it’s like on the other side. It’s great. I have sex when I want to, no moans when I don’t, just a cuddle.

Imagine never having to have his great oaf of a body poking and groping yours. No more worrying about what your wear incase he thinks “you’ve dressed up for him”. You can just look nice because you want to.

Good luck. He doesn’t give a shit about you. Why should you him?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/12/2021 19:24

I've explained it to him a million times and he just gets mad and says I don't care about him

Next time, respond 'No, I don't anymore actually. I'm fed up with being repeatedly sexually assaulted and blackmailed. You've got half an hour to pack and you'll be hearing from my solicitor in due course'.

tarasmalatarocks · 26/12/2021 19:48

The fact you use the words ‘doing it’ OP shows me that’s how you feel about it, something to be endured, not something to need or want at least not with this man. Don’t feel bad about it, if you arent wanting sex at the moment that’s your prerogative and to be honest I’m not sure I ever would with someone who sounds like he treats you as an ‘on tap’ prostitute

autieok · 26/12/2021 19:52

@wastingtimeagain I just wonder if because he's taking it personally he's not listening to op? I'm not justifying his behaviour at all it's appalling and if op wants to leave him it would be entirely justified. But if she's looking for ways to get through to him I was trying to think of a way.

Elieza · 26/12/2021 20:20

He says it’s you that doesn’t care about him.

It’s actually the reverse.

He just wants a warm body in which to deposit his bodily fluids. You are convenient.

I had one of those. He was like a dog on my leg. I LTB and feel a lot of relief. No more fear going to bed because I know what would be his agenda.

Just leave. It’s so freeing.

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2021 20:29

Whoa... just get rid of him op. He is vile.

I'd actually be worries that he might attack me considering how little he seems to care about your personal autonomy.

And btw, sex is not a need. Food, shelter, living pain free, those are needs. Getting his hole is a desire. And why the fuck anyone would put their wife's needs ahead of their desires is beyond me. He is a sicko. Get rid.

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2021 20:29

*would not put

EvilPea · 26/12/2021 21:04

It's ok that you don't want sex but it's also not a crime that he does

No but it is a crime to coerce someone into sex and sexually assault them.

I’m not saying op should run to the police reporting it. But let’s not downplay what she is living with.

SocialConnection · 26/12/2021 21:35

It constantly amazed me how crass men can be about sex. They don't get that for women it's consenting to having something put inside us. Or that this can hurt. Especially following childbirth, surgery, illness etc. Or that so many factors can say no - we are not currently at the optimum point for doing something that could lead to pregnancy.

The sense of ownership, entitlement, rights, needs to be catered to etc. 😬

me4real · 26/12/2021 22:09

How I would deal with it- separate from him.

He's sexually coercive including assaulting you, groping you without your consent.

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