Husband seeking to punish…

[Aries77]

Hi all, huge backstory to this (concerns allegations of verbal abuse against me and him making me very unhappy over last few years over his behaviour with mr and stepkids, are in therapy) but I would be interested in your views on this situation.

H and I not talking (due to his silent treatment of me) except for childcare (and this was basically therapist forcing him). He has invited me to a theatre trip with our ds aged 5 and dss and called it a ‘family trip’. I was surprised to be invited given he is not speaking to me. We are supposed to talk every night re childcare, so he says ‘ I have invited you to the theatre but it is as my guest, so you have to follow my rules and that includes not telling ds what to do’

Am I being obtuse or is he basically destroying my authority with my son and/or continuing to punish me for my ‘verbal buse’ (for the record I have apologised profoundly and have sought help. Therapist says it’s because in deeply unhappy and frustrated and my situation) while pretending to be nice and arrange family activities together? I can’t bear the fact that he is now trying to disempower me in front of my son.

Yes it is. Tired of trying to normalise it

Fuck him and fuck this useless therapist too
Sorry I’m mega LTB today
But I’m now single and remembering all the Xmas with arsehole ex
Ugh

Good luck OP , it’s not easy but as I wake alone on Boxing Day , I’m so
Pleased we ended it

Sometimes you need to accept it doesn’t work anymore and end it.

Ok, so he is still behaving in a very hostile manner towards me and this is affecting my ds.
Tactically how to deal? Think he is pushing me to leave but I am thinking of getting a separation agreement drawn up whilst he is procrastinating?

[quote Aries77]@Coffeesnob11 - yes I’m aware of that. H always comes into therapy cries a bit and says ‘ I want to be a better husband and Parent’…but I would think these therapists recognise abuse?[/quote]
This sounds shit. I would say thanks but youve decided not to come, and he might like to share his holy plus one with someone else. Don't explain why, there's no need. Tell DS he's having a day out with daddy and you'll see him when he gets back and he can tell you all about it. In the grand scheme of things this theatre trip is going to be a minor upset if things progress to a separation and divorce.
Don't bank on all therapists or mediators or solicitors to be able to identify abuse, covert or otherwise. You need to back yourself from now on and your kids, and make some moves to get out of what sounds like an unhealthy situation for all of you. The kids will be ok. Divorce isn't a tragedy, but living with a d*ckhead like this for the rest of your life and letting your kids watch, definitely is.

@Aries77

Ok, so he is still behaving in a very hostile manner towards me and this is affecting my ds. Tactically how to deal? Think he is pushing me to leave but I am thinking of getting a separation agreement drawn up whilst he is procrastinating?

Try and keep busy, see friends and family, keep as polite as possible and take each next step as it comes. Most importantly see a solicitor asap xx

(Get as much information together as you can for this such as mortgage payments, rough income and expenses, any other marital assets and debts. If there's any helpful paperwork in the house you can photograph do that before it "disappears" if it hasn't already)

Ugh, there's nothing worse than someone forcing a situation that will be stressful and unpleasant, especially with kids around who will feel it. Tell him it's really not fair on the children to have limitations on totally normal behaviour (like talking to one another) and creating a stressful atmosphere when you are together, and better that he goes on his own if he still feels unable to talk to you.

what his he seeking to achieve here

To control your behaviour and undermine you, so you're not on an equal footing to him.

He is also trying to manipulate/mislead the therapist. These men often manage to succeed in charming them. Luckily, it seems like the therapist pretty much sees through him.

Think the therapist sees through him now as he had to intervene and speak to him about his behaviour, which did improve for about a day.
As another poster says above, he is seeking to control and this is what worries me in terms of divorce settlement etc. He will oppose anything I want on these grounds and I will have to negotiate carefully with him. Problem if tha he wants me to crack and leave the house to him, so someone is going to have to make a move in terms of commencing divorce/separation

[quote Aries77]@Theunamedcat - dss lives with us full time as does our son aged 5.[/quote]
Any particular reason why DSS doesn't live with his mother? Or does your H specialise in winning at all costs?

@NeverDropYourMoonCup
OP has already explained that.

You don't need a therapist at all. You just need to grow a pair and leave. If you don't you are adding to and endorsing the abuse your child is witnessing on a daily basis

I need to leave but nowhere to go. He won’t leave. Marital home needs to be rented out or sold, he won’t agree to either at this point.

OP you have to initiate divorce proceedings, then the situation with the house will be resolved.

This man is abusive and controlling, there is no point on trying to get him to do what you want.

You need a solicitor, not another therapist.

@Aries77

I need to leave but nowhere to go. He won’t leave. Marital home needs to be rented out or sold, he won’t agree to either at this point.

Play your cards close to your chest from now on and instruct a solicitor, they'll advise you on the next steps and make things clearer. You can't just stay because you have nowhere to go, you don't have anywhere right now but you will as things progress. The assets will be split, he won't suddenly become reasonable and he will continue to be a massive pain in your arse throughout more than likely but you will have peace behind your front door. It feels impossible, it's hard hard work but it's doable and on the other side there is a peaceful happy home for you and ds where you don't have to live like this.

I agree initiate divorce proceedings. With regard to the theatre trip simply say you aren’t going. Or just tell him no, you’ll go but his ‘rules’ are unreasonable and thank you very much but you’ll parent your son as much as is/isn’t needed as will he.

It does sound like this situation isn’t resolveable though, if this is his way of resolving it it’s not sustainable and you are better off seperating. Then you can both parent as you wish and do your own thing. Sorry to say but the current situation sounds a lot more damaging to your DS than seperating.

Take back control.

If you want to leave, then do so.
I don’t mean just take your stuff, your ds under your arm and go.
But go and see a lawyer to see how things can be organised re the house etc.. Dont take what he says for gospel.
Plan your income, where you could live etc..
And then do it.

He is t going to change. The counsellor is only a good idea when both parties are ready to make an effort. He isn’t.

@Aries77

I need to leave but nowhere to go. He won’t leave. Marital home needs to be rented out or sold, he won’t agree to either at this point.

Can you involve family in this?

@Aries77

I need to leave but nowhere to go. He won’t leave. Marital home needs to be rented out or sold, he won’t agree to either at this point.

You will need to get a SHL (shit hot lawyer) and leave the negotiating up to them. Don't try to negotiate or 'work things out' with him. There is no point. His modus operandi is to disagree with anything you say. Don't engage.

You need to see a solicitor now, before you finalize your plans to leave. You need to educate yourself as to how a divorce actually 'works' (the actual steps) and what you might expect as far as a fair settlement and child arrangements.

@AcrossthePond55 - absolutely agree with your comments re negotiation.

Any recommendations re SHL to deal with this type of situation? You have given me the comfort to get the ball rolling.

[quote Aries77]@AcrossthePond55 - absolutely agree with your comments re negotiation.

Any recommendations re SHL to deal with this type of situation? You have given me the comfort to get the ball rolling.[/quote]
I'm not in the UK, so no recommendations to give.

I suggest you start with organizations for women in abusive situations such as WA or Rights of Women. If you have any friends/relatives who have divorced abusive men, they may have recommendations to give you. But just be sure that they will keep your confidence.

[quote DameCelia]@NeverDropYourMoonCup
OP has already explained that.[/quote]
Ah, the 'absconding'. Interesting choice of words. Usually used in terms of somebody escaping from custody. Maybe also appropriate in the head of an abuser to describe their victim escaping from them?

Could her departure have anything to do with him consistently undermining her, not giving her permission to parent her own child, accusing her of being abusive, giving her the silent treatment and manipulating everything so that she felt she was going mad? And sabotaging her relationship with her child so that he was finally given what he had been working towards for years - sole custody of his property eldest child?

@NeverDropYourMooncup - actually she was the resident parent and one day she decided to go away and never returned. That is what I have been told. She hasn’t seen her children for 2 years and doesn’t call. From what I understand and saw, she behaved towards h as he is now behaving towards me - being difficult and obstructive regarding access. Of course there are two sides to every story so it’s likely I’ll never know the truth.

@NeverDropYourMooncup- the dss is not his eldest child. There are 2 older sc whom are now at uni