Husband seeking to punish…

[Aries77]

Hi all, huge backstory to this (concerns allegations of verbal abuse against me and him making me very unhappy over last few years over his behaviour with mr and stepkids, are in therapy) but I would be interested in your views on this situation.

H and I not talking (due to his silent treatment of me) except for childcare (and this was basically therapist forcing him). He has invited me to a theatre trip with our ds aged 5 and dss and called it a ‘family trip’. I was surprised to be invited given he is not speaking to me. We are supposed to talk every night re childcare, so he says ‘ I have invited you to the theatre but it is as my guest, so you have to follow my rules and that includes not telling ds what to do’

Am I being obtuse or is he basically destroying my authority with my son and/or continuing to punish me for my ‘verbal buse’ (for the record I have apologised profoundly and have sought help. Therapist says it’s because in deeply unhappy and frustrated and my situation) while pretending to be nice and arrange family activities together? I can’t bear the fact that he is now trying to disempower me in front of my son.

Say "no thank you".

And dont elaborate.

The nerve of him saying you would be his guest and would have to submit to his rules 😵 such a power move. He wants you to knuckle under.

My therapist is not concerned about our child. H just keeps saying that he couldn’t handle being screamed at and it’s better that I say nothing when he’s in control of a situation. He just keeps going ok about how I am verbally abusive despite my apologies and not going it, and despite the therapist comments to both of us snout the source of it. It’s like he’s using it to punish me now forever.
H also has an ex wife with whom he has a very acrimonious relationship with,and our situation id not helped by his ex absconding and leaving dss with us full time, she is not in touch and hasn’t seen her child for at least 2 years

@UserBot absolutely aware of this. He presented it to me as family event which o accepted snc later told me of his ‘conditions’, probably after he’s told ds I am coming do that ds is upset if I don’t go

Did you react like that because of abuse? Have you read about reactive abuse. Regardless it all sounds horrible. He has pit you in an impossible situation. If you don't go he may tell your son you don't want to spend time as a family. If you do go he expects you to follow his own crazy rules.

Couples therapy is not recommended if it is abuse. Could you get some counselling alone?

I am minded to plead illness on the day or just go for the show and leave. It is a a massive power play

Yes, you are ALLOWED to split up.
You are allowed to be a family with you and your son from now on.

Xxx

@Coffeesnob11 - yes I’m aware of that. H always comes into therapy cries a bit and says ‘ I want to be a better husband and Parent’…but I would think these therapists recognise abuse?

I wouldn't say it's 'borderline abuse', I'd say it is abuse.

Abuse is about a pattern of power and control, not losing your rag on one occasion due to prolonged stress.

Or they will when they read about this…I’ve emailed the therapist

Umm just say no it really doesn't matter if ds is disappointed it's a fact of life really and if he uses that as a stick to beat you with say (to yourself) that it's your choice to not engage with his behaviour and don't engage with it

Ah the crying. It’s part of a pattern to establish control and paint the other person as the bad one.

@user15364596354862 - we’ve had a few of these rows and now he keeps saying it’s verbal abuse and almost like I owe him. His behaviour is more subtle.

[quote Aries77]@Coffeesnob11 - yes I’m aware of that. H always comes into therapy cries a bit and says ‘ I want to be a better husband and Parent’…but I would think these therapists recognise abuse?[/quote]
No.

It depends on their training, qualifications and experience. The term 'therapist' covers a wide range from people who've done basic counselling courses to those who are qualified and regulated psychotherapists to clinical psychologists with doctorates.

Many people operating as 'therapists' are incapable of recognising coercive control. Some will have had training in coercive control, some won't. Some will be capable of recognising it in reality, some won't.

Even then, it is still specifically advised that joint therapy should never be conducted where there is abuse in a relationship because it is so easy for the abuser to use the therapist as a pawn to perpetuate their abuse. It is considered dangerous.

@Wolfiefan - yea he started crying as the therapist was recounting something about helping a child fall asleep…he was so moved by it…

[quote Aries77]@user15364596354862 - we’ve had a few of these rows and now he keeps saying it’s verbal abuse and almost like I owe him. His behaviour is more subtle.[/quote]
Coercive control is subtle.

Reacting to prolonged abuse does not make you the abuser. Although it is a common tactic of abusers to push their victim to breaking point and then blame them.

You may want to consider seeking support from a specialist organisation like Women's Aid or the Freedom Programme.

I would cut the therapist out now. You recognise abusing power play, don’t feel like you need a therapist to validate that, don’t wait for permission to see fucked up behaviour for what it is. Abusive relationships are not suitable for therapy.
You have seen everything you need to, it’s irrelevant that this guy knows how to switch it on for the therapist.

@user15364596354862- one of the therapists has lots of qualifications in counselling psychotherapy and acts as witness in court cases concerning conflict regarding children, so he may be coming at it from a child centred approach. The other specialises in stepfamilies (which is initially what I thought was the route of our issues)

@Onlinedilema

Tell him no, you are not going.

This. And you need to divorce for your sake and your child's.

Is it your child or your stepchild?

him making me very unhappy over last few years

I assumed from your OP you were separated!

Just separate and once you do then you won’t need to do things as a family.

It’s time to put your son first and realise it’s not a healthy environment.

Therapy generally isn’t recommended where there is abuse.

@Theunamedcat - dss lives with us full time as does our son aged 5.

I’m assuming I need to find a new therapist and do some work alone. Trying to extricate myself from this situation whilst trying to get the best for ds is going to be tricky, so need to be careful in how I navigate this. H can be very manipulative and knows what I would want from any separation/divorce snd will use thus against me so need to tread carefully

God, why are you putting up with this shit and being sad for years? Divorce him now for your sanity and for your dc.

He sounds awful. Emotionally abusive.

It's not recommended that you do counselling with an abuser either.

Must be exhausting dealing with all the mind games.