Are there actually people whose interactions with family are not driven by FOG (fear, obligation or guilt)

aremyfeelingswrong · 2021-12-25T04:35:37+00:00

Just that really... I'm honestly struggling to make sense of it. Everything in my own family is pure fear and guilt, with my in laws I do everything out of obligation. But nothing is wrong as such in either family, no substance abuse or violence or anything like that. Is it not normal to feel fear obligation and guilt towards family? Are there people who relate to their families and even in laws without feeling these at all?

Skittles98 · 25/12/2021 04:45

Are you okay, OP?

Don't spend time with people you don't like. Life's too short!

To answer your question, there are. I love my family and would see them more if I could. I think this is the usual.

BlusteringBoobies · 25/12/2021 04:57

Agree with the first poster OP. This sounds incredibly sad and when I look at my group of friends, it is unusual for FOG to be the driving force.

I adore my family (parents, sibling) and equally my in laws. No expectations, grateful to see each other, easy to say 'no thanks' if you don't want a visit from or to them...

I am due my second and I know my DPs and PIL will circle around me and DH, take the dog out, look after DS1, come in and tidy, visit without needing waiting on, go when asked. I don't think I'm the exception but I may just have a very unusual group of friends who are all in similar happy family relationships.

Justilou1 · 25/12/2021 05:02

Am wondering the same. I was excited up until my 17 year old daughter lost her shit and told me how much she hates me. I thought we were doing okay. There’s a lot to unpack and now I can barely eat or sleep.

Original poster

aremyfeelingswrong · 25/12/2021 05:15

Thank you so much for asking if I'm okay Visiting in laws and I'm feeling so unsafe, I can't sleep as full of anxiety and racing thoughts. But because there's no actual reason to feel unsafe I just end up feeling more guilty and hence feel more obligation as I'm sure they pick up on my discomfort and will see me as rude. I just can't picture how people relate to family feeling fully at ease and safe.

Justilou

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Lottapianos · 25/12/2021 05:15

Absolutely tons of FOG in my family and DP's family. I think it's very common, but there's nothing 'normal' or healthy about it if you know what I mean. I know some people who have pretty relaxed, genuinely warm relationships with their family - there are stresses and irritations but they are generally pretty relaxed around each other. I just can't imagine that being the case in my family. It's really sad and frustrating but after years of therapy and a lot of grieving I have pretty much accepted it

Yuledo · 25/12/2021 05:59

We are lucky. Yes.

MintJulia · 25/12/2021 06:31

That's sad OP. Do your PILs try to drive a wedge between you and your dh? That's tough and I always hated it. My ex-MIL was vile so I used to stay with my family until she went home.

Now I just have siblings and their dcs, plus my ds. We all see each other whenever we want to. Lots of hugs and no manipulation.

sweetbellyhigh · 25/12/2021 07:18

I think it's incredibly common to feel less than comfortable in family situations, yes. And it can feel isolating because the popular myth is that families are kind and supportive, especially at Christmas.

Of course any big event highlights the difficulties in relationships so it's no wonder you are feeling very anxious right now.

You can change it though. Not everything all at once but as they say, the first step is to acknowledge you're not ok with what's going on. Not feeling comfortable on your own home is a very good indicator that something needs to change.

Tell us what's happening.

Bouledepetanque · 25/12/2021 12:26

I think it's to do with lack of emotional intelligence and emotional immaturity which is extremely common. All you can do is become self aware, work on your own maturity as needed and hope the others around you will follow suit. For those that don't, set firm boundaries.

Echobelly · 25/12/2021 12:36

FOG is not normal, and I'm sorry you're going through it. It shouldn't be acceptable.

I guess there can be a little obligation and guilt within 'normal' relationships - not ideal, but not necessarily terrible either - but there should never be fear.

Can you explain a bit more what is making you feel this way? Anything people say or do?

Original poster

aremyfeelingswrong · 25/12/2021 13:03

Thank you, I really appreciate everyones replies. Merry Christmas too

PIL are quite manipulative yes but not outright vile or anything. In fact they are very generous and they do make an effort. Not driving a wedge between me and DH, that must feel awful to have to deal with. I think its my own family of origin that somehow has left me with an ingrained feeling that family = threat. I still don't understand exactly why. What steps can I take to change feeling so scared? I don't want to do injustice to my DH family or spoil the Christmas mood.

Its nice to read that some have such loving families who they genuinely want to see more of xx

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Justilou1 · 25/12/2021 13:58

Maybe you need to get some counselling. If your family was dysfunctional and always had a big blow up at Christmas (especially if you were the scapegoat) you are probably experiencing increasingly heightened levels of anxiety, expecting this to happen at inlaw’s place. It probably won’t. You will be highly self-conscious and insecure (potentially clumsy abd tripping over words, etc…) Just breathe and get through this. They want you to enjoy yourself,

Original poster

aremyfeelingswrong · 26/12/2021 10:16

Thank-you @Justilou1, yes I will have to process this more for sure.
In the meantime what would be reasonable please- I'm losing my own ability to think straight. AIBU to feel this way when there's no objective reason, and therefore it's right I feel guilt and need to make up for it somehow to DH (aka more obligation?!). Or AIBU to put myself through this when for whatever reason and until I've worked through it more this just is how it feels at this time. W DH BU for not being understanding that this is hard for me and I'm already trying my best. (I definitely am making an effort to be here more and be cheery but inside I feel panic). What would others do in this situation

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Dozer · 26/12/2021 10:20

Suggest the ‘stately homes’ threads!

Plenty of family dysfunction other than the most stereotypical, worst bad stuff!

Dozer · 26/12/2021 10:23

So are your current problems: you’re visiting your in laws, feel you’re doing so primarily out of obligation to DH/the in laws, experiencing difficult feelings due to your family history, and DH doesn’t ‘get it’?

Justilou1 · 26/12/2021 10:32

Just stop “trying” and allow yourself some time out (bath/shower/bedroom) to just wallow for a bit. Own what you’re really feeling and be genuine. The fake “trying” isn’t going to help.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 26/12/2021 10:40

I've never felt unsafe around family including in laws, sometimes have to assert boundaries around DS with them but DH is pretty good at picking up on that stuff anyway so I never feel alone or unreasonable. My brother is lazy and selfish, but when he was just laying on the sofa after dinner yesterday while everyone cleared up, I just threw him a tea towel and said you're not getting away with it this year, even the DC are helping and he got up and helped in the kitchen, he's just a chancer. If they are nice people just be yourself, and confide in your DH that you feel uncomfortable not because of anything they've done but because it's a dynamic you're not used to. I think you also need to explore with a professional where these feelings come from with regards to your own family. If you can get a better understanding and develope.coping mechanisms with them, it'll make PIL seem a breeze.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 26/12/2021 10:41

You also never need to feel guilty about feeling any way you feel

Badbaddog · 26/12/2021 10:43

I love my DC and my DF, also my DFIL, and feel no FOG whatsoever. They are the people I enjoy spending time with the most. My DBs are pretty annoying but I just keep out of their way. No fear or guilt there, perhaps some obligation.

It sounds like your relationships feel transactional eg you feel guilty about feeling this way about ILs so you feel you will have to ‘make it up’ to your DH. What does this even mean? I’ve never understood that phrase. Why not just let it pass?

If you show you are uncomfortable they are more more likely to be concerned for you than just write you off as ‘rude’, surely?

I would suggest you access counselling re your family of origin (FOO) as the negative effects of interactions with them are what is driving your interactions with everyone, even your DH. Keep way from FOO while you do this.

Good luck OP 💐

Tinylittlecabbages · 26/12/2021 10:46

I don't speak to my FOGgers anymore. I do speak to and spend time with the family I like and love, who like and love me, who I trust with mine and my children's physical and mental health. Just like friends, why would I spend time with people who leech my energy and destroy my self esteem? If I wouldn't accept it in a friend or partner why would I accept it in a parent or sibling?

Lottapianos · 26/12/2021 10:51

'Just like friends, why would I spend time with people who leech my energy and destroy my self esteem?'

It's a very good question. It's quite incredible how often we repeat the same unhealthy patterns with family members who are absolutely no good for us emotionally. I'm currently doing the same myself but have sworn that this will be the last time

coffeeisthebest · 26/12/2021 11:11

Your feelings are never wrong @aremyfeelingswrong. You have learnt this distorted belief within your family of origin and by the sounds of it something has shaken it up within you and now it is asking to be heard. Do what you need to do to get through Christmas, forgive yourself for feeling disconnected, and then commit to therapy to emerge from the FOG. In essence it doesn't matter if what you are experiencing is normal or not, this is about you. The FOG will keep you wondering and comparing. Sit in therapy and look it straight in the eye. Good luck.

Original poster

aremyfeelingswrong · 26/12/2021 13:49

@Dozer

So are your current problems: you’re visiting your in laws, feel you’re doing so primarily out of obligation to DH/the in laws, experiencing difficult feelings due to your family history, and DH doesn’t ‘get it’?

Yes exactly this

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Original poster

aremyfeelingswrong · 26/12/2021 13:51

@Badbaddog

I love my DC and my DF, also my DFIL, and feel no FOG whatsoever. They are the people I enjoy spending time with the most. My DBs are pretty annoying but I just keep out of their way. No fear or guilt there, perhaps some obligation.

It sounds like your relationships feel transactional eg you feel guilty about feeling this way about ILs so you feel you will have to ‘make it up’ to your DH. What does this even mean? I’ve never understood that phrase. Why not just let it pass?

If you show you are uncomfortable they are more more likely to be concerned for you than just write you off as ‘rude’, surely?

I would suggest you access counselling re your family of origin (FOO) as the negative effects of interactions with them are what is driving your interactions with everyone, even your DH. Keep way from FOO while you do this.

Good luck OP 💐

Thank-you @Badbaddog this sounds spot on. I will try and explore where it is coming from.

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Original poster

aremyfeelingswrong · 26/12/2021 13:55

@Tinylittlecabbages

I don't speak to my FOGgers anymore. I do speak to and spend time with the family I like and love, who like and love me, who I trust with mine and my children's physical and mental health. Just like friends, why would I spend time with people who leech my energy and destroy my self esteem? If I wouldn't accept it in a friend or partner why would I accept it in a parent or sibling?

I think I would just feel incredible amounts of fear, guilt and obligation, I guess is the answer! Its inspiring to read though that you managed to free yourself from any FOGgers x

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