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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH needs me to overlook everything and sick of it

43 replies

IWasFunBeforeMum · 24/12/2021 20:00

Just an opportunity to vent - I'm not going to leave him etc. We have 2 kids under 3 and he's a good dad, just a real half-job Harry with literally zero common sense.

Everything that needs doing has to be discussed. If there's a job that needs doing I'd just occasionally like it just to be completed without involving me.

He tested positive yesterday so I'm already cross because he went out on Sunday "to see the lads" and now Xmas has had to be changed. May not have caught it then obviously.

Tonight I ask him to sort tea as he'll be around.
"What shall I make?" 🙄 God forbid he think for himself. Makes toad in the hole because I mentioned that and he has no thoughts for himself. Makes gravy. Turns out he used an Oxo cube? Didn't do potatoes "because recipe didn't tell him to".....
Put 10 (!!!!) sausages in, again, because recipe said to with no thought he was only making for 2 adults and 2 toddlers and should adapt recipe accordingly.

This all sounds pathetic but it's a snapshot of examples of my daily life with him. Nothing is ever just sorted or done. He involves me (I don't try and get involved, I'm not anal or controlling I actually try and look disinterested so it just gets done!) I have to overlook everything or it's not completely done..it's exhausting. It's like I have 3 small people to mind over. Some days I simply don't respect him because he never does anything for himself.

OP posts:

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 24/12/2021 20:07

It sounds like you don't respect yourself enough to get involved with someone like that in the first place. He's a man child and will never grow up and think for himself. He sees you as his mummy/housekeeper. I'm sorry, it's a shit situation for you and I'm even sorrier that you think that's all you deserve.

PurpleDaisies · 24/12/2021 20:07

We have 2 kids under 3 and he's a good dad, just a real half-job Harry with literally zero common sense.

So on what basis is he a good dad then?

Nothing is ever just sorted or done. He involves me (I don't try and get involved, I'm not anal or controlling I actually try and look disinterested so it just gets done!) I have to overlook everything or it's not completely done..it's exhausting. It's like I have 3 small people to mind over. Some days I simply don't respect him because he never does anything for himself.

Why are you letting him get away with it? If he’s done a rubbish job, send him to fix it. If he’s trying to involve you, stand your ground and don’t let him. You’re enabling him to be shit.

Do you think he’s like this in work? It sounds like he’s comfortable doing a crap job at home because he knows you’ll bail him out. He’s taking advantage of you.

JovialNickname · 24/12/2021 20:14

Sorry to play devil's advocate but none of that sounds bad, only that it's not what you would have done? So he went out with friends, people are allowed to do that now and most want to see mates for Christmas. He asked you what you wanted for tea, and made it. He didn't double carb your meal - the Yorkshire pud is the carb portion surely, don't think most people have it with potato. You sound like you only want things done your way, then he asks you to try to meet your standards, then you get cross with him. And what's wrong with leftover toad in the hole anyway, it will get eaten, the world won't end over it x

RunningFromInsanity · 24/12/2021 20:18

If he can hold down a job, he is more than capable to organise his personal life too.

IncompleteSenten · 24/12/2021 20:20

What good dad stuff does he do?
That's good dad as in above and beyond, not basic parenting. Stuff that would have people telling you what a great mum you are if it was you doing it

Original poster

IWasFunBeforeMum · 24/12/2021 20:53

I often feel like mummy/housekeeper to him, but not had enough I want to have our kids share 2 homes. It's not shit, but it could be better. It's not about something being done how I want it, it's about me needing to be asked is this right, is this enough etc. Just gets draining I suppose...

OP posts:

startled · 24/12/2021 21:10

Could be habit that he feels he needs your input or lack of confidence on his behalf , try answering with you decide and leave it to him
Is he trying to get away with not doing something correctly so he might not get asked to do it again ?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/12/2021 21:49

I dont think the examples are that bad either. He made toad in the hole from scratch. Instead of carbs he increased the sausages. Stock cubes are concentrated meat juices and not dissimilar to gravy granules. You say you're not controlling but youre moaning about how he cooked your dinner which sounds completely edible to me

Christmascakecakecheese · 24/12/2021 21:59

I never do potatoes with toad on the hole.

Anyway it must be frustrating that he has little initiative but I don't think it's something that can be changed easily.

pastypirate · 24/12/2021 22:06

It's mental load stuff isn't it. Mental load issues have made me hate my partner even though he is largely a nice person.

Rangoon · 24/12/2021 22:11

It doesn't sound that good to me. You can't rely on him for anything. It doesn't get better either. Has he always been like this with absolutely zero common sense? Is he generally stupid in everything? I don't have any advice. My father was a bit like this and it drove my mother crazy. In fact an ability to adult was one of the key things I looked for in a partner and my husband is totally dissimilar to my father. I am not sure why other posters are minimizing this maddening behaviour.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 24/12/2021 22:13

Is it strategic incompetence? Does he really just want you to do it?

billy1966 · 24/12/2021 22:19

Life is easier if he asks you everything.

Why anyone would find a man like this attractive is beyond me.

Start saying "figure it out"

Sort your contraception out.

Tell him to shape up and cop on.

Marriages like yours don't last usually as women just grow to loathe this type of man.

Just too tedious.

I hope you work.
If you do, sort your finances so you have options.

HerRoyalNotness · 24/12/2021 22:22

@pastypirate

It's mental load stuff isn't it. Mental load issues have made me hate my partner even though he is largely a nice person.

Yes it’s this. I’m in same position. Just got asked if we had stuff to make biscuits. Look in the fucking cupboard like I would. (Said a bit nicer as child was there) FFS. Have had it.

I understand OP

PurpleDaisies · 24/12/2021 22:35

Just go out or put headphones on when he’s doing his jobs.

FabriqueBelgique · 24/12/2021 22:38

I relate strongly OP. I now tell my family members “You need to use your brain because mine’s busy!”

crestar · 24/12/2021 22:49

Completely over the top on your part.

Potatoes are definitely not a requirement for this meal.

You sound picky and judgemental along with many of the other contributors on here.

Don't take your advice from Karens on Facebook (or Mumsy net)

GentlemanJayFab · 24/12/2021 22:53

You need to be careful what you wish for. If you can do it better then do it yourself.

tarasmalatarocks · 24/12/2021 22:53

Fascinated by those of you who have partners who cook proper fresh meals from scratch (and aren’t chefs) do laundry, think to clean bathrooms, and genuinely share the load — I have honestly never encountered a bloke like this who was in my opinion remotely fanciable— where the hell did you find them— I’m not disbelieving you but I can honestly say after discussing it with my mates, none of us has encountered it through our selection of life experience.

Annike4 · 24/12/2021 22:54

If he is using an oxo cube to make gravy and doesn''t think or know how to reduce recipe ingredients down to match the number catered for, then he doesn't KNOW the basics of cooking, does he?

It sounds like you ask him to do things and seethe while he fails at it.
This won't make life any better. Divide up labour according to strengths. He can't be bad at everything!

PurpleDaisies · 24/12/2021 22:55

@tarasmalatarocks

I made it clear I expected a partner who did their fair share of the housework. That took some working out on the early days of living together and it’s not always perfect but mostly we’re a good team.

Hadalifeonce · 24/12/2021 22:58

Could you pretend you're talking to one of your children, and say 'I don't know, what do you think?'
It used to work with my children, it may work with him.

GrumpyPanda · 24/12/2021 23:00

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Stock cubes as "concentrated meat juices"? Bwahaha. Ffs they're not demiglace. Check the list of ingredients on these things - if they contain one percent of meat-based

CatNamedEaster · 24/12/2021 23:00

Hey crestar, too excited to sleep waiting for Santa?

PurpleDaisies · 24/12/2021 23:00

@Hadalifeonce

Could you pretend you're talking to one of your children, and say 'I don't know, what do you think?' It used to work with my children, it may work with him.

I wouldn’t treat him like a child. He isn’t.

I would remind him that he is an adult with a brain and he is more than capable of using it to solve whatever problem he has without expecting you to step in.

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