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Original poster

WWYD online date being very pushy and making me feel uncomfortable!

83 replies

Bollocks2Covid · 24/12/2021 13:39

I’ve been chatting to someone online after meeting them on Bumble about a month ago. Seemed genuinely nice and we had a lot in common but whenever we were going to me up something would always come up. I suggested maybe we leave it until after Xmas now because it’s not convenient and obviously Covid. He then suggested meeting yesterday and despite me saying it wasn’t convenient because I was seeing family he was pushy about it, I said I’d see what I can do. Family were here until 6.30 last night so couldn’t make it. I apologised but was ignored for two hours, then was asked if I wanted a boyfriend of a penpal whatever that means? He wasn’t nasty about it, but when I said a boyfriend he said ‘at least we are on the same page’ and normal conversation ensued.

Now he’s pushing to meet me today. It’s fucking Christmas Eve! It isn’t convenient for me as I have stuff to do! I genuinely don’t know why the hurry?! It’s making me feel so uncomfortable and a bit scared if I’m honest as he has my phone number and although he doesn’t know my address he knows where I live. He’s never given any indication of being dangerous, but he has tried to instigate sexting (don’t worry, not gone there!) with me and constantly tells me how lovely and wonderful I am without even having met me!

The chat is constant, he wants to chat to me constantly and as I’m never done this kind of thing and have been single a long time I just don’t know what’s normal and what’s not?

Any advice greatly appreciated. I don’t want to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone but I fear I’m going to have to if this doesn’t stop.

OP posts:

dumplings1 · 24/12/2021 15:20

That would really put me off too, it's Christmas, dating isn't a priority for most this time of year it's not you it's him, this is why I'm holding off until the new year.
Suggesting if you wanted a boyfriend or pen pal, what a cheek, a date doesn't mean you'll be anything to him.
Probably hoping for a quick hookup didn't work in his favour so turned nasty.

Keep to your standards, a decent guy won't be pushy.

itsacovidthing · 24/12/2021 15:30

The pen pal thing I see it a lot on online dating profiles. I get it. A lot of chat. Text. Then disappear. It's annoying.

However anyone who feels the need to put that on their dating profile doesn't get a chance... it's an instant no from me. Because it's already a list of demands and expectations. No this. No that. Bla bla bla.

This is supposed to be his best side. His most charming side to entice you onto a date!

Above all else. It's online dating. My golden rule is if someone makes you feel uncomfortable just block and move on. Listen to yourself.

ElectraBlue · 24/12/2021 16:33

I think there are two separate things here:

He is making you feel uncomfortable, so you should cut contact with him and block him. Also personally I would have already stopped interacting with this man as soon as he tried to initiate sex talk before even meeting you.

But in general I would say that in the world of online dating waiting a month before you meet is way too long. The best way to do this is to exchange a few messages to assess basic compatibility and try to spot red flags then to arrange to meet for a coffee. Don't waste more than a week/10 days messaging without meeting. They are a lot of time wasters on online dating sites/apps who have no intention of ever meeting and just enjoy the attention/ego boost. You don't want other guys to think you are one of them...

Also don't give your phone number too early, Again I always feel unless we have agreed to meet and set up the date, in which case it makes sense to have a number to call if you are delayed or can't find the venue, there is no need to give a number before that as interaction can be done through the dating site/app. I also stay clear of anyone who wants to spend time using Whatsapp for inane chats...

AlfredsMistress · 24/12/2021 16:45

@ChargingBuck

He sounds like a mixture of keen on you and horny and this is causing him to act inappropriately.

Oh fucking hell, the twat is behaving inappropriately & there is no excuse for it. Nothing "caused" him to bully & harangue OP expect his own entitlement & character defects.

Exactly. He isn't just keen on OP and horny. He's an entitled, pushy twat looking for wank fodder, with the potential to become nasty and or stalkery.

OP hes a STRANGER to you. You owe him nothing.

Yummypumpkin · 24/12/2021 17:06

Oh please pop back OP as I'm worried you've gone to meet him!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/12/2021 17:15

Ugh. Suppose his wife is at her mother's until Boxing Day, then.

I really hope you've blocked him and haven't gone for what he will inevitably expect/demand/possibly force 'because it's Christmas'.

Cyw2018 · 24/12/2021 17:20

When I did OLD I was seriously looking for a relationship and got sick of time wasters, and men whose internet persona didn't match up to the reality, so I would push for meeting up fairly quickly as a means to filter.

It sounds like you and him have different ideas about OLD, and that is fine, bit it does mean that you are unlikely to be compatible.

Time to move on.

Earwigworries · 24/12/2021 17:23

I think he’s trying to bring things to a head … if you don’t meet him he’ll move on … he’s not interested in a genuine relationship just sex/ sexting and he’s not being very pleasant about it either .. just stop communicating with him .. be surprised if you even need to block him

Closetbeanmuncher · 24/12/2021 17:32

He sounds like a mixture of keen on you and horny and this is causing him to act inappropriately

Really??..

This guy is practically a walking red flag. I would say it isn't working for you and block.

Original poster

Bollocks2Covid · 24/12/2021 17:32

@Yummypumpkin

Oh please pop back OP as I'm worried you've gone to meet him!

No I’ve not gone to meet him! He did message me earlier to say ‘all finished for Xmas’ but I’ve not yet responded and am not going to. He’s definitely not got a wife, he’s divorced. Not sure why though. He said it was because she went off him, but I’d quite like to hear her side of the story.

OP posts:

Coffeetree · 24/12/2021 17:33

In general a month is a long time to go without any meeting, no matter how busy life is. If I were in his shoes I admit I would also want to know whether the other person wanted a relationship or a pen pal.

It's not clear whether you had plans with him yesterday, which you then cancelled. Why did all the earlier plans fall through?

But now unfortunately he's having a hissy-fit about it all and being a pushy jerk, so yeah I'd throw him back.

In future I'd recommend meeting someone after an initial exchange, then you can see if there's chemistry.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/12/2021 17:39

Definitely cut him loose.

But also consider whether you have time for an actual in-person relationship. Chatting for a month, pushing it back...did you really want to meet him? Or do you just like the idea of having a guy to message when you're bored? I would never feel guilty about wasting some online guy's time, because you can bet he is messaging other women too but...it doesn't seem as if you wanted to move it into real life interaction.

SarahBellam · 24/12/2021 17:54

@Bollocks2Covid

Something genuinely did come up each time. I had to go for a Covid test, then I was in close contact with several people also with Covid. Just a general life got in the way.

I don't think you did really want to meet him, not deep down. Chatting for a whole month without meeting shows you are ambivalent at best - even with things getting in the way there must have been a few evenings/lunchtimes you could have done if you'd really wanted to. When I met my now DP on OLD I was going through the busiest time of the year in work, doing 7 day weeks, but I made the time because I REALLY wanted to meet him. That said, I can see why you're ambivalent. He does sound pushy, though I understand why he'd ask if you wanted a relationship or a pen pal (even if it flaws rude) and he does sound like he's making you uncomfortable. I'd just send him a brief text to say it isn't working for you and you wish him all the best, then block and delete on everything.

Yummypumpkin · 24/12/2021 18:10

Oh good OP. I had one like that once.

I didnt meet him as I had an awful cold.

It turned out he was relying on the romance and erm festivity of the season to erm...sweep me off my feet.

I love the not replying move, in this case.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/12/2021 18:21

OP following everyone's advice, do you feel able to just block him? I really think you should do it! Then you can just crack on with Christmas without getting messages from him or it stressing you out.

Pebbledashery · 24/12/2021 18:39

Blocking him would take all of five seconds.

Suzanne999 · 24/12/2021 18:50

Sounds very iffy to me and your gut instinct seems to be all is not as it seems. Trust your instincts and walk away. Life is too short to fill it up with weirdos.

DeeCeeCherry · 24/12/2021 19:00

You dont even know him yet youre scared to say thanks, but no thanks?!

You need to work on your boundaries before dating or you'll likely find yourself in a pickle somewhere along the line.

In the meantime just throw this one back fgs its not as if you owe him anything. The man's a stranger.

billy1966 · 24/12/2021 22:12

@DeeCeeCherry

You dont even know him yet youre scared to say thanks, but no thanks?!

You need to work on your boundaries before dating or you'll likely find yourself in a pickle somewhere along the line.

In the meantime just throw this one back fgs its not as if you owe him anything. The man's a stranger.

Absolutely.

You desperately need to work on your boundaries as you are very vulnerable if you can't block someone you haven't even met.

Block him.
He's bad news.

Do the Freedom programme to help educate yourself.

ChargingBuck · 25/12/2021 10:32

He’s definitely not got a wife, he’s divorced. Not sure why though. He said it was because she went off him, but I’d quite like to hear her side of the story.

OP, you need to work on your credulity as well as your assertiveness.

There is no "definitely" about his claimed marriage & divorce.
All you know about this man are the words he has typed on a screen.

ChargingBuck · 25/12/2021 10:35

Seconding Billy's recommendation of The Freedom Programme -

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

DillonPanthersTexas · 25/12/2021 10:36

The instant you feel uncomfortable you should call it a day. You owe him nothing.

TheOccupier · 25/12/2021 10:57

@Bollocks2Covid

I suppose I keep hoping he’ll get fed up and move on. Obviously that’s not happened yet. I’m not the most assertive person at the best of times.

That's not how men like this operate. It's a game to him now. You've repeatedly said not now but soon, he thinks you're playing hard to get and he just has to keep pushing. You need to shut it down.

Pinkbonbon · 25/12/2021 11:02

Total predator. You called him out, politely, on not wanting to meet and then showed you were extra accommodating (or to his sort, a pushover) by offering more time. And so he turned things round on you and is now making out YOU are the time waster. It's actually gaslighting. And he us also testing your boundaries by pushing.

Tell him to fuck off and block. He has 'abusive piece of shit' written all over him.

And wanting to talk online so much is not actually a good thing. It doesn't mean he really likes you. That's a mistake I've made too, trust me. It means he needs you to be thinking about him 24/7. Because he is a narcissist who needs attention and can't stand his projects having other things on their mind (like their family, at christmas).

SimoneSimone · 25/12/2021 11:05

He likes you, you've been chatting for a month and haven't met yet? Understandably he is getting impatient. Still he is likely to give up and ditch you anyway if you can't make time to meet him, so I think you are safe to let this fizzle out.

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