WWYD online date being very pushy and making me feel uncomfortable!

[Bollocks2Covid]

I’ve been chatting to someone online after meeting them on Bumble about a month ago. Seemed genuinely nice and we had a lot in common but whenever we were going to me up something would always come up. I suggested maybe we leave it until after Xmas now because it’s not convenient and obviously Covid. He then suggested meeting yesterday and despite me saying it wasn’t convenient because I was seeing family he was pushy about it, I said I’d see what I can do. Family were here until 6.30 last night so couldn’t make it. I apologised but was ignored for two hours, then was asked if I wanted a boyfriend of a penpal whatever that means? He wasn’t nasty about it, but when I said a boyfriend he said ‘at least we are on the same page’ and normal conversation ensued.

Now he’s pushing to meet me today. It’s fucking Christmas Eve! It isn’t convenient for me as I have stuff to do! I genuinely don’t know why the hurry?! It’s making me feel so uncomfortable and a bit scared if I’m honest as he has my phone number and although he doesn’t know my address he knows where I live. He’s never given any indication of being dangerous, but he has tried to instigate sexting (don’t worry, not gone there!) with me and constantly tells me how lovely and wonderful I am without even having met me!

The chat is constant, he wants to chat to me constantly and as I’m never done this kind of thing and have been single a long time I just don’t know what’s normal and what’s not?

Any advice greatly appreciated. I don’t want to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone but I fear I’m going to have to if this doesn’t stop.

He sounds like a mixture of keen on you and horny and this is causing him to act inappropriately.

Ffs. The apologists astound me.

He's a pushy, entitled prick who acts accordingly.

It’s making me feel so uncomfortable and a bit scared

Why wouldn't you want to cut him off? There's no scope to build a healthy relationship with someone who frightens you, is coercive and ignores your boundaries - all before you've even met.

Why have you continued it to this point?

Of course none of that is normal.

Red flags this early? Run.

I’d tell him he’s pushy, that his behaviour doesn’t work for you and wish him luck then block. He sounds creepy and hugely pushy. I try to give the benefit of the doubt as sometimes tone in text can be lost…but he sounds like he’s hassling you.

I suppose I keep hoping he’ll get fed up and move on. Obviously that’s not happened yet. I’m not the most assertive person at the best of times.

All abusers seem nice in the beginning, like the lure on a fish hook - that's why you have to pay attention and act when you see all these glaring warning signs.

He’s got a point though in asking whether you want a boyfriend or a penpal - to be chatting for a month and not able to find the time to meet up is a bit poor

Completely disagree with this - we are all busy and the OP doesn't have to prioritise a complete stranger, she has already said that attempts to meet up have been thwarted. More odd imo to want the constant texting (and sexting) with a stranger that he does than to just put a date in the diary for the new year and crack on with it when the time comes. But regardless - the pen pal comment is passive aggressive and would be enough to make me knock it on the head outright.

OP, you can definitely do better and you don't owe him anything.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He sounds like a mixture of keen on you and horny and this is causing him to act inappropriately.

Ffs. The apologists astound me.

He's a pushy, entitled prick who acts accordingly.

Quite. Imagine him when they meet up, keen and horny but op says no so he acts "inappropriately" lucky escape I reckon

@Bollocks2Covid

I suppose I keep hoping he’ll get fed up and move on. Obviously that’s not happened yet. I’m not the most assertive person at the best of times.

So just block him number. This is when you're perfectly reasonable to ghost someone

The chat is constant, he wants to chat to me constantly and as I’m never done this kind of thing and have been single a long time I just don’t know what’s normal and what’s not?

What's normal isn't the issue. Relationships aren't about 'normal'. They are about meeting your needs and the other person's needs. You can look for someone who wants to be whipped with cheese graters if that's your thing! Your need is for time and space. He's not offering that so bye bye.

You need to find your assertiveness because this kind of boundary pushing isn't rare.

You know the answer already op

@Bollocks2Covid

I suppose I keep hoping he’ll get fed up and move on. Obviously that’s not happened yet. I’m not the most assertive person at the best of times.

The quickest way for him to get fed up is to have to supply of attention from you. Give yourself the best Christmas present and just block him. He's a stranger. A pushy, rude, boundary ignoring stranger. Block him. Otherwise you're going to spend Christmas with his messages pinging through, wasting your energy on trying to construct the 'right' reply when it doesn't matter what you say - as long as he's getting responses, he thinks you're interested.

Please just block him. And then have a lovely Christmas!

Block him. But be clear about your boundaries in future. Most people will not wait around a month to meet up, and your dithering responses will make him question if you're actually looking for a relationship at all.

Write this one off, but be more clear in the future.

The handy thing about old is that the loons quite often show their batshittery before you even see them in the flesh!!

Just block him!

One of these works wonders 🖕🏼

@Bollocks2Covid

I suppose I keep hoping he’ll get fed up and move on. Obviously that’s not happened yet. I’m not the most assertive person at the best of times.

You've never met him, you are never going to meet him - surely this is an ideal target to practice some simple assertion on?

"Sod off you pushy twat" would do it :)

Or you can even just BLOCK without comment. No confrontation, nothing to assert, just the luxury of never having to hear from or deal with him again.

Here's a book you might like to buy yourself for christmas OP -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

@CorrBlimeyGG

Block him. But be clear about your boundaries in future. Most people will not wait around a month to meet up, and your dithering responses will make him question if you're actually looking for a relationship at all.

Write this one off, but be more clear in the future.

Who says it was the OP "dithering"?

She wrote that whenever they were about too meet, something came up.
She didn't say who for.

@Bollocks2Covid

I suppose I keep hoping he’ll get fed up and move on. Obviously that’s not happened yet. I’m not the most assertive person at the best of times.

Please work on this before you continue with the dating, otherwise you could end up with someone low level abusive that you don't get rid of, which then ramps up and becomes mentally more difficult to leave.

It's always risky rejecting men because you don't know how they will react - will they come after you? just go away nicely? will they stalk you?

With OLD, you need to stay on the OLD's messaging system versus giving your phone number, because when you do reject them, they can't access you.

If you stay on OLD, you will be rejecting men constantly because there are so many nut jobs on there.

My online dating rule was to meet within a week if I was interested as the men who wanted to ‘chat’ for ages also did the avoiding meeting or excuses then stood me up etc and any pressurisation or negativity via text/message that made me feel uncomfortable I just moved on.

You are there to meet someone, not for a penpal, there is a reason these men want to chat endlessly and it’s not Because they think you’re fab (sorry) it’s hard but put yourself first be assertive and know what you want. And get it (I’ve been with my boyfriend 3 years we met within a week via bumble)

Something genuinely did come up each time. I had to go for a Covid test, then I was in close contact with several people also with Covid. Just a general life got in the way.

Now he’s pushing to meet me today.

You really need a stranger on the internet to remind you you don't need to put up with pushy people? Honestly ?

Here goes.

He might be fun or charming or whatever but the thing to look out for when you are getting to know someone is how they are when things are not going their way. Do they handle it gracefully? This is so important I can't stress enough. This is who he is.

If he is pushy when you don't have time for him, that is a giant neon sign that he is making life uncomfortable on purpose for you. He is training you to please him.

Do you want a trainer, or a boyfriend? A boyfriend would share the good bits and bad bits of your life snd make them both better. A trainer will train you to put your own desires second to his own.

Which is not a way to live your best life.

Say sorry, this isn't working out for me.

I keep hoping he’ll get fed up and move on.

Oh dear, do your self a favour and have some agency in your life. I agree he has the making of an abuser. You don't have to hope he will go away, you can tell him to leave. Now.

Give your self the best early Christmas present ever. Enjoy.

The penpal vs boyfriend comment is really controlling and entitled. You don’t owe him anything you know. Just ghost him and move on with your life.
And sorry this is blunt, but I think you need to work on your boundaries before you continue dating else you’re going to continue to attract controlling men. There is no way you should even be entertaining continuing with this man or questioning whether you’re in the wrong here.

Send him this

It's Christmas eve, I am too busy to meet up, I'll be available after Christmas if you still want to meet up. If you have an issue with this, then it's probably best we don't meet up at all.

Then block.