Is he abusing me or is he right my head is a total mess
There's a big lesson here for you, which will stand you in good stead in this situation and others in the future: whether he (or anybody else) is abusing you, if your head feels like a total mess in the relationship, YOU LEAVE. You don't analyse their behaviour, you don't spend your time working out who is right or wrong. You remove yourself from any person or situation who you feel is messing your head up.
There are lists of behaviours that constitute 'abuse' online, you can find them if you google, but the problem is that everybody is different. So, one thing may be abusive to you, but not abusive for most other people. I had a friend who couldn't bear to be stroked gently on the arm (because she was sexually abused as a child by someone who used to do this as a precursor to abusing her), so when she met a man who did this, affectionately, she had to ask him not to do it. He told her not to be silly, and that he wasn't doing anything wrong, and he carried on. So she left him, because in that instance, stroking her gently on the arm was abusive. The only way to judge it was that she told him it made her feel bad, and he carried on doing it. There are no external rules or guidelines to say that that behaviour is abusive, and most people would say it wasn't, but it made her feel bad, and he knew that, and continued to do it.
Don't look externally to find out if somebody's behaviour is acceptable to you. Nobody can tell you. There's no set of rules. Your feelings are your rules. If you say to somebody 'I feel bad when you do x/y/z', and they keep doing it, then they are prioritising that behaviour over your wellbeing, and anybody who makes that choice doesn't respect you, or deserve your company.
There are many people who will overstep your boundaries, but most, if you tell them they're doing it, will apologise, and stop doing whatever it was that upset you, because their priority will be 'not upsetting people around me'. Remove anybody from your life who prioritises something else.
It was useful to me to separate fault from responsibility. If somebody makes you feel crap/abuses you, the fault is theirs. But the responsibility to fix how you feel is yours, and it's not by changing that person, it's simply by creating distance between you and them. It's a much less confrontational approach than 'Maybe I'm wrong to feel this way, I'll try to get my feelings in check/not be so sensitive, maybe this would be ok for other people and I'm just being silly etc' It involves a lot less 'hard relationship discussions'. All you have to do is tell the person, calmly and seriously, that you feel bad when they do x/y/z behaviour. From that point on, they get one chance, and if they repeat the behaviour, you leave, with no need for explanation.
Get away from this man, and start doing things for you. You are responsible for your own wellbeing, so if you're choosing to stay around people who make your wellbeing feel shot to pieces, how do you expect to ever feel ok? Take responsibility for yourself; start taking actions that make you feel better, rather than questioning why you feel the way you feel.
There's a very big, life changing lesson you can give yourself for Christmas here: trust in your feelings. Let them guide you. They are your heart. Respect them, and you respect yourself.